"Always" & "Never" Statements - "Always" & "Never" Statements are statements containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.
Description:
As the self-contradicting adage says: "Always and never statements are always false and never true."
Always & never statements are used particularly frequently among people who suffer from personality disorders as they can fit neatly into the split black and white world of their thinking. They are most often used in accusatory, argumentative or self-pitiful gestures.
Examples:
You never listen to me.
I always give you what you want.
My mother never loved me.
You always have to have the last word.
I never get any attention.
You are always shouting and screaming at the children.
Clearly none of the above statements is true and yet they are familiar-sounding arguments
Always and Never statements are usually rhetorical in nature. People who use them rarely expect to be taken literally. However, it is also the case that they may be being dishonest about the facts while being honest about their feelings.
For example, imagine a person says: "You never listen to me!"
You could respond directly to the statement and reply: "Yes I do!" You may even venture into hyperbole yourself by claiming to "always" listen to them or that you have have listened to them "millions of times". You may even list all the occasions of listening that you can bring to mind. But you may have missed the real message.
Now go to the next level and listen to the feeling expressed: "I want to be listened to". Now you have gone beyond the hyperbole and are hearing something honest.
But you could go one step further and perhaps you will hear: "I'm afraid that you may consider me not worth listening to." Now you are approaching the heart of the matter.
Most of us use "Always" & "Never" statements rhetorically but we would be well advised to use of them sparingly - lest our own credibility be called into question.
What it feels like:
Always and never statements are popular delivery vehicles of FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt - in a dysfunctional relationship. They are often transmitted with the intention of:
Putting the recipient in a defensive posture. (Fear)
Making the recipient feel responsible for the problem. (Obligation)
Making the recipient feel sorry for the other person. (Guilt)
Always and never statements can leave you feeling invalidated, scrambling to justify your own behavior, unappreciated, disoriented and guilty.
What NOT to do:
If you find yourself on the receiving end of always and never statements:
Don't believe everything that is said in an always and never statement.
It rarely helps to get defensive and start arguing your case. This will probably lead directly to a Circular Conversation. When a person uses always and never statements, they are rarely interested in establishing objective truth. More commonly they are trying to produce an emotional response in the recipient.
Don't reciprocate with always and never statements of your own.
What TO do:
Try to see past the questionable "facts" to understand the feeling that is being communicated.
Objectively weigh the validity of any accusations you receive off-line when you are in a safe place with time to think.
Share your experiences with a trusted confidant or a therapist who can help you to see the gray between the black and the white.
Remove yourself and any children from any conversation which becomes verbally abusive or if a person refuses to stop talking after you have asked them to.
For More Information & Support...
If you suspect you may have a family member or partner who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.
Sep 1, 2010 - We have just completed the first of what will be an annual leadership nomination and election cycle. In addition to Gary being reconfirmed as site owner and MoGlow, Haggis & Aames being reconfirmed as Admins, Klarity Belle and 2bad were appointed as new moderators. Please join us in welcoming Klarity Belle and 2bad to the OOTF leadership team.
Jul 21, 2010 - We will shortly be bidding farewell to an old friend - our original "nook2.com" url. She has served us well! Please update all bookmarks and links to point to the new Out of the FOG domain at http://www.outofthefog.net
New Leadership Guidelines Posted
Jun 23, 2010 - New Out of the FOG Leadership Guidelines have been developed. These explain the process we intend to use at Out of the FOG to appoint new moderators, admins and site owners going forward. Our goal is to implement a consistent, transparent and sustainable process for leadership changes and to introduce a component of accountability.
