"Always" & "Never" Statements

Definition:

"Always" & "Never" Statements - "Always" & "Never" Statements are statements containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.

Description:

As the self-contradicting adage says: "Always and never statements are always false and never true."

Always & never statements are used particularly frequently among people who suffer from personality disorders as they can fit neatly into the split black and white world of their thinking. They are most often used in accusatory, argumentative or self-pitiful gestures.

Examples:

• You never listen to me.
• I always give you what you want.
• My mother never loved me.
• You always have to have the last word.
• I never get any attention.
• You are always shouting and screaming at the children.

Clearly none of the above statements is true and yet they are familiar-sounding arguments

Always and Never statements are usually rhetorical in nature. People who use them rarely expect to be taken literally. However, it is also the case that they may be being dishonest about the facts while being honest about their feelings.

For example, imagine a person says: "You never listen to me!"

You could respond directly to the statement and reply: "Yes I do!" You may even venture into hyperbole yourself by claiming to "always" listen to them or that you have have listened to them "millions of times". You may even list all the occasions of listening that you can bring to mind. But you may have missed the real message.

Now go to the next level and listen to the feeling expressed: "I want to be listened to". Now you have gone beyond the hyperbole and are hearing something honest.

But you could go one step further and perhaps you will hear: "I'm afraid that you may consider me not worth listening to." Now you are approaching the heart of the matter.

Most of us use "Always" & "Never" statements rhetorically but we would be well advised to use of them sparingly - lest our own credibility be called into question.

What it feels like:

Always and never statements are popular delivery vehicles of FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt - in a dysfunctional relationship. They are often transmitted with the intention of:

1. Putting the recipient in a defensive posture. (Fear)
2. Making the recipient feel responsible for the problem. (Obligation)
3. Making the recipient feel sorry for the other person. (Guilt)

Always and never statements can leave you feeling invalidated, scrambling to justify your own behavior, unappreciated, disoriented and guilty.

What NOT to do:

If you find yourself on the receiving end of always and never statements:

• Don't believe everything that is said in an always and never statement.
• It rarely helps to get defensive and start arguing your case. This will probably lead directly to a Circular Conversation. When a person uses always and never statements, they are rarely interested in establishing objective truth. More commonly they are trying to produce an emotional response in the recipient.
• Don't reciprocate with always and never statements of your own.

What TO do:

• Try to see past the questionable "facts" to understand the feeling that is being communicated.
• Objectively weigh the validity of any accusations you receive off-line when you are in a safe place with time to think.
• Share your experiences with a trusted confidant or a therapist who can help you to see the gray between the black and the white.
• Remove yourself and any children from any conversation which becomes verbally abusive or if a person refuses to stop talking after you have asked them to.

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For More Information & Support

If you suspect you may be related to - or in a relationship with - someone who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can about personality disorders and get support.

Visit our Support Forum to discover real life stories and discuss your own situation.

Explore our site to learn more about:

Common Traits of People who Suffer from Personality Disorders

Common Traits of those of us who live with them