Circular Conversations

Definition:

Circular Conversations - Circular Conversations are arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no real resolution.

Description:

In Circular Conversations, both parties take opposing positions over an issue, dig in and reiterate the merits of their position. This typically continues until one (or both) of them becomes exhausted and stops communicating.

Circular conversations can last hours, days, weeks, months, years, even a lifetime. When you think about it for a moment, the only reason people would subject themselves to that is they retain the hope that at some point the other person will change their mind, see their point of view, learn something, recognize their mistake and be persuaded that they were wrong all along. Logic would suggest that after 2 or 3 times around the loop most people would give up, but many of us don't. We go over and over.

Circular Conversations often occur because the issue we are defending is a "bottom line issue" or represents a bottom line issue. Often, the argument begins over something superficial. For example, it may be about who should turn out the light or who should say "I'm sorry". The reason these become circular arguments is that the issue expressed often represents an underlying feeling, such as "I feel disrespected", "I feel hurt" or "I feel afraid". When we argue, we are often trying to communicate feelings but, because of the tension in the air and, because the other person is not validating our position, we often feel too vulnerable to express our feelings. Instead, we tend to abstract or represent our feelings in the form of a position, an issue or an event such as "You lied to me", or "You're being insensitive", or even, "I hate you". While we may say these things, we will not be satisfied until we believe the underlying feeling beneath our statements is resolved, addressed or acknowledged.

Enter the person with the personality disorder and you sometimes have the recipe for a never ending circular discussion. That is because the person with a personality disorder is not always able to see the same reality that you see. To a person with a personality disorder, the way they feel dictates to them what the facts are. This is sometimes described as "Feelings Create Facts". So to them, if they feel betrayed, then you are a betrayer. If they feel loved, then you are loving. If they feel afraid, then you are dangerous. If their feelings match up to your reality, that's great! You will be wonderfully validated, incredibly appreciated and deeply and sincerely loved. However, when their feelings do not line up with yours, then it is going to be a long night.

People with personality disorders have all the same human emotions as you do. They naturally want to be validated and accepted. The problem is that their representation of reality, while valid to them, is not always factual. They may start talking to you in a way that you can't accept, endorse or agree. You may discover that you just can't reach resolution. It won't change until they feel different, which might take a few minutes or a few years.

What it feels like:

Circular conversations are exhausting and frustrating.

Coping With Circular Conversations:

What NOT to Do:

• Don't repeat anything you have already said once.
• Don't explain or respond to a question that you have already answered.
• Don't engage in aggressive acts such as slamming doors or storming out.
• Don't try to get the last word.
• Don't wait for your feelings to be validated.
• Don't try to change the other person's mind. Their thoughts and beliefs and feelings are their own property.
• Don't try to manipulate the other person's feelings. Don't try to make them feel guilt, remorse, sympathy etc.
• Don't spend time describing the other person's behavior, feelings or actions. Focus on describing your own needs and feelings.
• Don't insist on agreement or consensus before the conversation can end. It's normal and healthy for two people to arrive at disagreement, different conclusions and different interpretations of the same events.

What TO Do:

• Recognize the pattern. Acknowledge that you are in a conversation that is just going around and around.
• Accept that feelings aren't inherently good or bad - they just are. The way you feel is just the way you feel. Feelings are a byproduct of circumstances, emotions, brain chemistry and a host of other things. You can't control the way you feel, neither can the person with the personality disorder. The way you feel is just a natural reaction to what you are experiencing.
• Switch from stating facts to stating feelings. Describe your own feelings not the other person's. Don't say "I feel like you are lying". That is not a feeling, that is an opinion. Say "I feel scared" or "I feel hurt". You don't have to say why, just say it. The wonderful thing about stating your feelings is that nobody can contradict you, although people might try. Nobody knows or owns your feelings except you.
• End the conversation, calmly and with your dignity intact. If you like, you can say, "I need a break" or "Let's discuss this later" and end it there.
• Get out of the way.
• If you can do that, you can break the cycle. Congratulations! You deserve a big pat on the back!

For More Information & Support...

If you suspect you may have a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.

• Support Forum - Read real stories. Ask questions.
• Top 100 Traits of people with Personality Disorders.
• Toolbox - Ideas for coping and common mistakes.
• Personality Disorder Glossary - Learn the lingo.
• Links to Personality Disorder-related sites.
• Books about personality disorders.

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