This competitive or "win-lose" attitude occasionally turns malevolent and will lead the person who suffers from the personality disorder to seek ways to sabotage, manipulate or otherwise undermine the position of others whom they see as a potential threat.
One of the ways to do that is to try to steer people who are seen as a threat into conflict with others. This is a passive aggressive form of attack since it does not attack the person head on but makes use of a proxy. This is also sometimes known as triangulation.
When successful, the personality disordered individual gets a feeling of superiority or gratification from lowering the social status of a rival by having others attack them. This also has the effect of making the rival more vulnerable to a more direct attack from the perpetrator.
Examples of Triangulation/Divide and Conquer:
A woman lies to a friend claiming that another friend doesn't like her.
A parent shows favoritism to one child, creating a rivalry with the others.
A woman flirts with a co-worker in front of her boyfriend.
A boss tells a subordinate that the others don't respect him.
What it feels like:
When you are exposed to a divide and conquer attack it is very easy to get distracted by fears about what other people think of you. You might feel the urge to "clear your name" or "set the record straight". You might want to confront the people involved and even retaliate.
However, if you do that you have taken the bait. It is often the perpetrators hope that you will lose control and act out in anger or fear.
You are likely to be surrounded by fear, humiliation or concern.
Learning to Cope:
When dealing with a Divide and Conquer attack it's important to remember that only you have control over what you do, not the person who is provoking or baiting you.
As the adage says: "Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission."
What NOT to do:
Don't believe everything you are told by a person who suffers from a personality disorder. They may just be telling you something false as a means to an end.
Don't react quickly to surprising news. You have the prerogative to think for as long as you want and to react how and when you want.
Don't lose your temper or lose control of your emotions. You can't control other people but you always have control over your own words and actions and that is where you have the most power.
Don't sit still and allow someone to rain down on you insults or criticism in the name of another person. If the room is a painful place to sit, then it is perhaps a good time to go sit in a different room.
Don't make promises, commitments or contracts that will hurt your relationship with people whom you trust, you love, people whose company you enjoy, old friends, and trusted relatives. No-one who truly loves you will want to take healthy, supportive, positive relationships away from you.
What TO do:
Objectively verify anything you are told before acting on it.
Keep in touch with those you love and trust and tell them about any problems or issues you are hiving.
Maintain a healthy balance between family, friends, work and play. You need them all in the right measure to keep a healthy balance.
Politely refuse to engage in Divide and Conquer without starting a fight about it. Remove yourself from a conversation if it is an unhealthy or dysfunctional one.
Maintain your self-control. This is how you keep your power and demonstrate that you are not going to be manipulated like that.
Five years ago, a photographer, an engineer, a writer, an office manager, a grandmother, a graphic artist, a law student, a husband, a librarian, and a stained-glass artisan came together to connect a diverse, isolated population in search of information, support, and growth as they strive to cope with a family members, spouses or partners who suffer from a personality disorder. Since its launch on November 1, 2007, Out Of The FOG has grown from a fledgling discussion group with 10 participants, to a vibrant community of over 4000 registered members world-wide, with new members joining every day.
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