Emotional Blackmail

Definition:

Emotional Blackmail - Emotional Blackmail describes the use of a system of threats and punishments on a person by someone close to them in an attempt to control their behaviors.

Description:

In a nutshell, emotional blackmail takes the form "if you don't do what I want then I will make you hurt". In order for emotional blackmail to occur there must be 4 things present - a blackmailer, a victim a demand and a threat.

The Demand - In order for emotional blackmail to occur, a blackmailer must be demanding something that the victim does not want to give them - otherwise there would be no conflict. So in order for there to be emotional blackmail there must be a conflicting interest between two parties.

In general the blackmailer is usually asking or demanding something which the victim regards as unreasonable. However, the level of unreasonableness can't be so great that the blackmailer believes that they will never get what they want . In general the demand is for something that the victim is likely to give up if enough pressure is applied. For this reason emotional blackmail patterns are often cyclical - with both the blackmailer and the victim learning over time what level of demand will be tolerated without retribution and what degree of blackmail it takes for the victim to comply.

The Threat - The blackmail may be a threat to hurt the victim directly, or more commonly will be a threat to hurt something or someone the victim cares about. This could take the form of damaging or destroying an object, an agreement, a relationship or a trust. This could include the blackmailer themselves - and so the blackmailer may threaten to hurt themselves to get what they want.

The Blackmailer - Although an emotional blackmailer is fighting for control over their victim, they often have little control over themselves. They may use dissociation to escape the guilt they would feel over the way the are treating another. They may feel desperate inside and justify their actions as a means to an end of soothing their own desperate internal pain. An emotional blackmailer is rarely cognizant of the extent of the hurt they are inflicting on their victim and ultimately on themselves or able and willing to "snap out of it" or see the error of their ways.

The Victim - In order for emotional blackmail to work there has to be a willing victim - a person who is willing to sacrifice their principles, values, goals and boundaries to "keep the peace", "turn the other cheek" and give in to the demands. Victims are often moralistic people, bridge builders - people who have compassion or pity on the blackmailer and are willing to go the extra mile for them. Victims may have low self esteem of their own and generally afraid to stand up for their own ideas and principles. They are caught in a vicious cycle as each time they yield something important to the abuser they suffer a loss of their own self-esteem and begin to fee more powerless, hopeless and trapped in their situation.

In their book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, authors Susan Forward & Donna Frazier invent the acronym FOG, standing for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being exposed to emotional blackmail when in a relationship with a person who suffers from a Personality Disorder. It is from this definition that our site - Out of the FOG derived its name. It is our hope that this site may help some navigate out of the FOG in their own lives.

Examples of Emotional Blackmail:

• If I ever see another man look at you I will kill him.
• If you ever stop loving me I will kill myself.
• I've already discussed this with our pastor/therapist/friends/family and they agree that you are being unreasonable.
• I'm taking this vacation - with or without you.
• Your family hate me. How can you say you love me and still be friends with them?
• You've ruined my life and now you are trying to stop me from spending money to take care of myself.
• I took the money because you always put yourself first and don't seem to care about my needs.

What NOT to Do:

• Don't give in to or reward emotional blackmail demands or attempts.
• Don't stay in a situation where there is a threat or an action of violence towards yourself or others.
• Don't allow yourself to be blamed for somebody else's bad behaviors or poor personal choices.

What TO Do:

• Recognize the characteristic of emotional blackmail and understand that to give in to the demands of a blackmailer is only going to make the situation worse.
• Recognize that you can't love someone else more by hurting yourself and that no-one who truly loves you will threaten or expect that of you.
• Recognize that the emotional blackmailer is not like you and is unlikely to respond well to reason, arguments or attempts at counter-manipulation.
• Work on your own personal boundaries and be willing to defend them.
• Remove one of the 4 components of emotional blackmailer - the blackmailer, the victim (you) the threat or the demand. Since you can't control the other person that usually means you have to detach yourself from them enough to protect yourself, your children and the resources and relationships that are precious to you. Then allow the blackmailer back in only to the extent that they cannot threaten or destroy what matters to you most.
• Call the authorities if there are any threats or actions of violence.

For More Information & Support...

If you suspect you may have a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.

• Support Forum - Read real stories. Ask questions.
• Top 100 Traits of people with Personality Disorders.
• Toolbox - Ideas for coping and common mistakes.
• Personality Disorder Glossary - Learn the lingo.
• Links to Personality Disorder-related sites.
• Books about personality disorders.

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