Abuse Amnesia - Abuse Amnesia is a form of denial in which a victim habitually "forgives and forgets" episodes of abuse when it would be more appropriate, and ultimately better for both parties, to hold them accountable for their own actions.
Description:
Abuse Amnesia is a form of "Lose-Win" where a Non-Personality-Disordered Individual (Non-PD) defers their own needs, often in an attempt to keep the peace, appease, win favor with the person who has hurt them, attacked them, violated their trust, stolen from them, damaged their property or broken their boundaries.
We use the term "Abuse Amnesia" to distinguish it from forgiveness. Some forms of forgiveness are "Win-Win" where the act of forgiving a person for a past wrong is good for both the forgiver and the forgiven. Forgiveness can allow people to correct past mistakes, learn from them, move on from them and grow. Forgiveness can also release the person who has been wronged to release their mental energy for more productive things. When you forgive someone you release them from the obligation to pay or make amends for what they have done.
Forgiveness is almost universally held up as a virtue in society. However, there are times when forgiveness is unhealthy and inappropriate. inappropriate forgiveness, or Abuse Amnesia often has the unintended effect that it perpetuates or feeds the Cycle of Abuse.
For example if you are caring for a small child, you have to teach them what is appropriate and what is inappropriate behavior and have consequences for inappropriate behavior. If they start hitting others or smashing objects the dishes or playing with matches it would not be appropriate to say nothing and clean up the mess for them. they are likely to repeat or even increase the amount of destructive behavior if you do. they may be putting themselves or others in danger. Instead, it is more appropriate to have them apologize, stop the behavior and help clean up the mess, depending on their age and physical ability. It may also be appropriate for them to face a consequence such as a time-out, the removal of a privilege etc.
The same is true in our adult relationships - especially when we live with people with personality disorders. If someone makes a big mess in our lives it is not appropriate to say nothing and clean up the mess for them. Just as for the example of the small child, you are teaching them that it's OK to behave that way and there will be no consequences. You may be putting yourself, and the person you are forgiving, in greater danger by doing that. It is likely that the behavior you forgave will be repeated, become more frequent or more damaging.
A woman who allows her partner to have affairs with no consequences.
A father who lets his wife abuse the children and doesn't report it.
A man who allows a previously abusive girlfriend to move back in.
A person who repeatedly gives money - or access to money - to someone with a addiction.
People with personality disorders often struggle to understand or empathize with the needs of others. Their decisions are frequently dominated by the feelings they have within themselves. They may have moments of surprising "clarity" when they spontaneously "get-it" or think about the effect that their actions are going to have on you. However, it is to be expected that the moments of clarity will be temporary. Much as in the example of the small child, you are going to have to take responsibility for your own world and your own safety - and that means you have to cut down on Abuse Amnesia.
For More Information & Support...
If you suspect you may have a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.
On Tuesday November 1, 2011, the Out of the FOG Website and Support Forum celebrates 4 years of providing information and support for those with a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder. Our site receives over 2 million hits per year and our support forum has received more than 68,000 posts from 2700 members. Thanks to all who support OOTF with your participation, time and gifts and help to make this unique community possible.
To increase our site performance we have moved to our own dedicated server. We hope this will provide faster, more reliable downloads and give us more flexibility over the functionality of our site.
We have just released a new version of the Support Forum on Simple Machines Version 2.0. We believe this version of the message board software will give us better protection from spam posters.
