Definition:

Everybody Gets to Clean Up Their Own Messes - Everybody Gets to Clean Up Their Own Messes is a principal that encourages us to take responsibility for dealing with our own messes and leave other people to clean up theirs.

Description:

There is a tendency in relationships with a personality disordered individual for the Non-PD to begin enabling the the neglectful or abusive behavior. This enabling often takes the form of the Non-PD going out of their way to compensate or try to cover up for the shortcomings of the personality disordered individual.

The incentives for doing this may be:

• In an attempt to demonstrate to a challenging person that the Non-PD really does care for them.
• Out of a sense of fear that abusive behavior may be triggered or escalated.
• Out of a desire to restore a sense of normalcy to the home environment.
• Out of embarrassment or shame at what others might think if they witness chaos.

The problems caused by this kind of cleaning up after a person who habitually creates a chaotic environment can be:

• Loss of self esteem for the person who does the cleaning up after another.
• Non verbal communication that the chaos created is acceptable to the victim and/or will not be challenged and therefore is "OK".
• Creation of an environment where the chaos creator is encouraged to escalate their behavior.
• Denial of the opportunity for the chaos creator to learn from their own mistakes.
• Communication to other dependent bystanders - siblings and children - that there is no hope of things improving.

Therefore cleaning up someone else's messes is typically a short term gain for a long term loss. It is a healthier alternative to use the rule, wherever possible that Everybody Gets to Clean Up Their Own Messes.

Examples

• A teenager gets a traffic ticket and his parents refuse to cover the cost but require him to get a job and pay it off.
• A woman has an affair and her husband refuses to blame himself for it.
• A man destroys objects in the home and his wife leaves and refuses to return until the mess is cleaned up.
• A parent begins swearing at her adult children over Christmas Dinner and one decides to leave and refuses to bear the responsibility for "ruining the event for everybody"

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For More Information & Support...

If you suspect you may have a family member or partner who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.

• Support Forum - Read real stories. Ask questions.
• Top 100 Traits of people with Personality Disorders.
• Toolbox - Ideas for coping and common mistakes.
• Personality Disorder Glossary - Learn the lingo.
• Links to Personality Disorder-related sites.
• Books about personality disorders.