Out of the FOG - Working on Ourselves

Working On Ourselves

It sometimes surprises people who visit our site when we begin to talk about the need to work on ourselves.

But I'm not the one who is sick...

You don't need to be sick to work on yourself! The healthiest people in the world are often the ones who work the hardest on themselves - like Olympic Athletes. It's people who neglect themselves who are most at risk of getting sick. What's true for our bodies is also true for our spirits.

It's very common for people who have been in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder to have put all their own needs into a box and stuffed it away out of sight while they fight the fires of relationship conflict.

When our dreams are put on hold, it is common for resentment to build up towards the person whose needs are taking the priority. We don't mind doing that for a helpless baby or an injured friend - but if we're doing it repeatedly for someone who could just as easily do it for themselves our sense of injustice grows.

Over time, unchecked, that resentment has a way of creeping into everything we do. Like a poison spreading into our thoughts, our words, our body language, our tone of voice, our reactions. It's there and everybody can see it.

If - over a long time - our needs are not getting met, or our plans are repeatedly put aside while we are desperately trying to take care of someone else, it's hard to feel positive. We hold the abuser responsible for the abuse - but it's also common to begin to blame that person for everything that goes wrong - including the bad choices we have made too.

What happens when we blame someone else for everything bad in our lives? Hopelessness. Helplessness, Powerlessness. When someone else holds all the power - even though we may have given some of it to them - we eventually see no benefit to work on ourselves - after all, there's no point in building a house when you can see someone else lining up a wrecking ball.

Do you ever feel that way? - like there's no point in working on yourself? That's despair - and it may be a sign that you've been neglecting your needs for too long, giving your power to someone else and abandoning your post as the captain of your own ship - the ship that is you...

My Stuff and Your Stuff

One of the things that can be a great exercise is to try to look at your life objectively - and ask yourself - what is my stuff and what is your stuff?

Think about all the good things in your life for a while - forget about anyone else for a minute. How much of it is really yours to control? How much of it depends on you to maintain, build and develop? What will happen if you neglect it?

Think about the things you are most proud of. What would have happened if you were not there?

Think about your body, your work, your talents, your dreams. What are they worth?

That's your stuff.

Now think about the things that matter the most to that other person in your life. Think about all the good things in their life for a while - forget about yourself for a minute. How much of it is really theirs to control? How much of it depends on them to maintain, build and develop? What will happen if they neglect it?

Think about the things that they are most proud of. What would have happened if they were not there?

Think about their body, their work, their talents, their dreams. What are they worth?

That's their stuff.

Codependency and Enabling

Codependency & Enabling

A Codependency is a relationship in which an otherwise mentally-healthy person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected by an addiction or mental illness.

In her classic book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie asks: "Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent..."

Codependency is the tendency for the victim in an abusive relationship to form a second "enabling" half of a dysfunctional partnership. Unhappy with the status quo, yet fearful of the consequences of trying to detach or put a stop to the abuse, the victim can become just as dysfunctional as the perpetrator and end up "enabling" or perpetuating the abusive cycle.

Cleaning up behind someone, hiding their actions from public, absorbing the consequences of their bad choices, paying their debts, excusing their behavior are all manifestations of enabling. Enabling makes it easier for an abuser to go on abusing - at great cost to the direct victim and to the innocent bystanders like children, other family members, friends, acquaintances and ultimately to the abuser themselves - who is kept on life support in the dysfunctional system just enough to have no real incentive to change it.

Why should I go to see a Therapist? There's nothing wrong with me.

One of the great fallacies of our modern culture is that if you go to see a therapist it means there is something wrong with you, you are a weak person, you should be ashamed.

The reality is that many people who really do have a mental illness refuse to see a therapist too - for the same reason.

There is a stigma attached to mental illness in our society that really does us a disservice.

When someone breaks their leg, we don't ridicule them for going to see a doctor, getting a cast and taking a pain killer. . Why do we ridicule people when they get help for hurt on the inside? It's irrational. It's prejudicial. Who is the crazy person - the person who need s help and gets it or the person who needs help and doesn't?

One of the most brilliant minds that ever existed, Albert Einstein, once said: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." He was right..

I don't have a mental illness - do I?

This may surprise you. It's common for people who have lived with a personality disordered person to secretly fear that they may have some form of mental illness themselves. Perhaps they have seen themselves mimic or copy some of the behaviors of the person they are living with (a phenomenon often referred to as getting fleas). Perhaps they have seen their own anger at their sense of powerlessness and hopelessness occasionally boil up into acts of inappropriate violence, or verbal lashing out. Perhaps they have read the criteria for various definitions of psychological conditions or personality disorders and recognize some of their own behaviors in some of them.

You don't have to have a mental illness to make bad choices. People make bad choices for all sorts of reasons. Anger, misinformation, despair, misguided ideas, fear, bad luck can all be valid reasons for making a bad choice. We make choices every day, some good some bad. It's our goal to make as many good choices as we can but nobody makes good choices all the time. Making bad choices is not a sign of mental illness - it's just a thing that happens - to everybody.

People are rarely at their best when they are hopeless and powerless. People often do and say things they are ashamed of when they are angry and abused. This is very common.

It is also very common that the victim of our poor behavior or our bad choices is not the person whom we hold accountable for our plight - but it is more commonly people who we perceive to be weaker than ourselves, from whom we fear little backlash. It may be a slow co-worker, a lonely neighbor, our children, an old person, a sibling, a friend. Bad stuff tends to take the path of least resistance - downhill.

You may be feeling ashamed of things you have said or done. You may be surprised at your capacity to be cruel, inconsiderate, destructive, mean-spirited, short-tempered, just plain ugly.

You are not alone.

Stinkin' Thinkin' - The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking by David D. Burns M. D.

Stinkin' Thinkin', also known as Stinking Thinking or Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - is a famous list of common negative thought patterns from The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D.

If you've been living for a long time with a person who suffers from a personality disorder, like many of us, you may have developed a very negative or pessimistic outlook on life. You may have developed a habit of interpreting problems as failures. Dr. David Burns calls this kind of negativity "Stinkin' Thinkin'"

Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking

Excerpt taken from The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D

1. All-or-nothing thinking - You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, "I've blown my diet completely." This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream.

2. Overgeneralization - You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the window of his car. He told himself, "Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!"

3. Mental Filter - You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the positive - You reject positive experiences by insisting that they "don't count." If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positives takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to conclusions - You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.

Mind Reading : Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.

Fortune-telling : You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, "I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?" If you're depressed you may tell yourself, "I'll never get better."

6. Magnification - You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick."

7. Emotional Reasoning - You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless."

8. "Should" statements - You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, "I shouldn't have made so many mistakes." This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. "Musts," "oughts" and "have tos" are similar offenders.

"Should statements" that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger and frustration: "He shouldn't be so stubborn and argumentative!"

Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. "I shouldn't eat that doughnut." This usually doesn't work because all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis has called this " must erbation." I call it the "shouldy" approach to life.

9. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." You might also label yourself "a fool" or "a failure" or "a jerk." Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but "fools," "losers" and "jerks" do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.

You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: "He's an S.O.B." Then you feel that the problem is with that person's "character" or "essence" instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, "This shows what a bad mother I am," instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman's husband beat her, she told herself, "If only I was better in bed, he wouldn't beat me." Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: "The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable." Blame usually doesn't work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It's like the game of hot potato--no one wants to get stuck with it.

Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking

Excerpt taken from The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D

1. Identify The Distortion: Write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the ten cognitive distortions you're involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.

2. Examine The Evidence: Instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.

3. The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.

4. The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you're about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.

5. Thinking In Shades Of Grey: Although this method may sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a scale of 0 to 100. When things don't work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.

6. The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you feel that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.

7. Define Terms: When you label yourself 'inferior' or 'a fool' or 'a loser,' ask, "What is the definition of 'a fool'?" You will feel better when you realize that there is no such thing as 'a fool' or 'a loser.'

8. The Semantic Method: Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for 'should statements.' Instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't have made that mistake," you can say, "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake."

9. Re-attribution: Instead of automatically assuming that you are "bad" and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.

10. Cost-Benefit Analysis: List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like getting angry when your plane is late), a negative thought (like "No matter how hard I try, I always screw up"), or a behavior pattern (like overeating and lying around in bed when you're depressed). You can also use the cost benefit analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, "I must always try to be perfect."

Depression and PTSD

It's almost inevitable if you have lived in an abusive environment for any appreciable length of time that you will experience some kind of depression or Post Traumatic Stress Effect or even PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You may have emotions that confuse you or frighten you. You may not be "yourself". For abuse sufferers, this is normal. It's not to be expected that a person suffer abuse and feel nothing afterwards or have no scars.

Knowing we are depressed, or suffering from post traumatic stress is one thing but doing something about it is another. It can be possible to know all the facts, even know the diagnosis, know the prognosis and the technical details and yet be powerless to fix it. We can even know we are depressed and suffering from PTSD but we can't just "snap out of it". If someone tells us to just "snap out of it" or "get over it" we may feel ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed or angry at them. Such advice, however well-intentioned can be as poorly timed as a comedy routine at a funeral. We can't just forget about it - not yet. Learn More about the Symptoms of Depression Here.

So what can we do? When it comes to PTSD and depression - it is strongly suggested that you should seek some professional help from a reputable therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. This is not the time for home made remedies or old wives' tales - any more than you can cure yourself from a ruptured appendix. There are times when you just need professional help and it is foolishness to think it will just go away on its own if you try to sit it out or ignore it.

But there are also lots of things we can do to help ourselves...

So How Can I Work on Myself?

Faced with those realities, there are a number of ways you can go:

You can deny it, or ignore it, or stuff it and refuse to acknowledge it.
You can hide it, disguise it, make excuses for it, justify it, explain it away, rationalize it.
You can be philosophical about it and say - well that's just who I am and I can't change it any more than a leopard can change his spots.
You can punish yourself for it, berate yourself, tell yourself you are worthless, defective, weak, ugly, not good at relationships, nobody would ever love you.
You can acknowledge it and you can get to work - on yourself.

Mourn

Yep - it's OK to mourn. Think about the way it should have been, could have been, might have been. Imagine your life if the abuser in your life had had a healthy mind, a sense of responsibility, a conscientious kind heart. Write it down. What dreams did you sacrifice? What pain did you swallow? Now is the time to cry. And when you are done, if you want to, cry again - that 's OK too..

Rant about it. Talk to a safe group of friends about it. Tell somebody what happened. Get it off your chest. Why was it wrong? What happened? How in the world did you put up with that for so long? Take a load off! Tell us your story!

There are lots of people here who have been there, who are still there - who are trying to find the courage to say: "I hurt!", "That was wrong!", "It didn't have to be that way!", "I deserve better!" The strange thing is we never get tired of hearing the stories of friends like us who have faced similar trials. Somehow we feel stronger when we hear from others who have faced or are facing the same struggles as ourselves.

Time Alone

The right amount of solitude can be a wonderful thing. Some people who are caregivers long for a break away from the demands of taking care of another's needs. To people who are constantly caring for young children, the chronically ill, the elderly the thought of a quiet walk on an empty beach is very appealing.

If that describes you - it's OK to take a break and let the world fall apart without you for a day, an hour - whatever is appropriate. You can't be strong for others unless you take care of yourself first. Human beings need rest. they need food, water oxygen and sleep. Studies show that non-stop caretaking has disastrous consequences on both the caretaker and the patient. Whether that's your kids, your aging parents, your best friend, your spouse whom you promised to love "in sickness and in health" - you can't love them well if you don't love yourself well. Time alone - in the right measure - can be a vital part of taking care of yourself.

Talk About It -Find A Friend (A trustworthy one!)

The old adage that "a problem shared is a problem halved" can be very true.

First - a word of caution. We have to be careful about whom we choose as friends. Many of us are only too aware of the risks of trusting others, given what we have experienced. Trust is something that needs to be earned, not given carelessly.

That said - it can be equally risky to charge off in the opposite direction and isolate ourselves completely from the world around us. Human beings are social creatures. We all need to feel the warmth of friendship. There's a reason why solitary confinement is such a harsh punishment. It makes people go insane. It's not wise to imprison ourselves or hurt ourselves in that way.

Just as there are people in the world who are apt to hurt us there are also good people who can bring life and joy and love into our lives. And if we haven't had the joy of a friendship with a kind person, we've got a lot to gain.

As the old saying goes:

"Make new friends and keep the old - One is silver and the other is gold"

Getting in touch with an old friend can be a wonderful gift to yourself - and to the old friend.

Making new friends - there's really no formula for that but a few things are true -

If you're sitting at home all day and not meeting anybody new you're not making new friends (except maybe online)

You're more likely to make friends with people you have something in common with. It's hard to make a friend in the grocery line or sitting in your car. So volunteer for a group activity, attend a club, take an art class, a dance lesson, go to a church group. Put yourself in places where you're comfortable to strike up a conversation with someone you're comfortable with. Avoid places that make you feel uncomfortable - so if the local roller disco is not your thing - give yourself permission to do something else - not nothing else.

Find A Therapist - (A good one!)

Here's a news flash - not everybody who calls themselves a therapist or has a certificate is going to help you. Think about your school teachers. All were qualified - not all were equal.

A good therapist is like a good coach. A good coach will find ways to motivate you to be the best that you can be - they won't fill you with shame or lie to you about the things you need to work on. They will be honest, they will know how to help you make the right adjustments. When you fall - they will be the first to shout "I believe in You - you can do it!" And when you succeed, they will be cheering the loudest on the sidelines.

Do something good for yourself! Find a good coach!

Hot Penning

Definition

Hot Penning is a technique of journaling where you rapidly write down whatever comes to mind on a topic without taking a break, stopping to think or slowing down to correct spelling & punctuation.

Description

Hot Penning is a technique developed by the Beginning Experience organization - a group that offers weekend retreats for people who are separated, divorced or widowed.

In hot penning, a person takes a blank notebook or sheets of paper and writes about a topic or answers questions about a topic. The key in hot penning is to write as much as you possibly can in a 30-45 minute window without taking your pen away from the page or stopping to reflect, think or analyze what you have written. Spelling, grammar, accuracy or appropriateness are all considered secondary. Just writing your thoughts down as fast as they come flooding in is the key.

Confidentiality is crucial in hot-penning, What you are writing is for your eyes only. You may later decide to share what you have written with others whom you trust, but there may be things you want to write about that you will never want to say to another living soul - and that's ok and important. Nobody reads your book.

Some amazing things get written during hot penning sessions. People discover things about themselves they never knew were in there. The Beginning Experience Group calls the pens "magic pens" - they are really just plastic pens but in the hands of a person who is pouring out their soul they become like magic.

Examples of Hot Penning Topics

Here are some example questions to get yourself started with Hot Penning:

How do I see myself - what are my main strengths and weaknesses?
How have I been treated best/worst by people who are closest to me?
What would I say if I were to write a final letter to a person who has hurt me?
What is my plan going forward?
What three adjectives woudl I coose to decribe myself and why?
If I could change one thing, what would it be?

Physical Exercise

OK this may come across like a guilt trip for some of you but the truth is that it's possible to feel better about yourself when your body and your mind work together. For some people that means decathlons and grueling workouts. For the rest of us mortals that means going for a walk, or riding a bike, a great stretch, even just stopping for a few seconds and trying a few deep breaths.

It doesn't matter how intense - just do something today to feel better physically.

Medication

There are a whole host of anti-depressants out there which can take the edge off when you're going through a hard time. You should consult with your doctor or therapist about what is right for you.

Find a Hobby

There's nothing quite like doing something you love to do. Do you have something you love to do? Can you write down 3 things? Often, when we are in the throes of a dysfunctional relationship, those are the first things that get thrown out the window.

Are you ashamed to spend time on your interests? Do you feel selfish to spend money on things that only you enjoy? Are you afraid of what people will think if you start being yourself instead of the person other people expect you to be?

Set yourself free - the real you.

Join A Group

Just as there are no two people alike - there are no two groups alike and so every group has its own dynamics, its rules, its strengths and weaknesses. There is little we can say in general.

That said - if you have ever experienced the joy of connecting with a group that shares the same vision - the same sense of purpose - the same journey that you do there can be an almost magic release of synergy - that energy that says the total is greater than the sum of the parts. There's nothing like it - and if you are so inclined you owe it to yourself to unleash the explorer within you and go find it.

Give to Charity/Volunteer for a Worthy Cause

Many of us Non's are givers. We are the cleaner-uppers, the fixers, the caretakers, the rebuilders, the conscientious ones. Many of us get a natural sense of satisfaction from helping someone. We feel drawn to relieve suffering, to lend a helping hand, to look out and worry about the underdogs of our society.

Of course that tendency has got many of us into trouble in the past. We have given to someone who has taken without saying thank-you. We have cleaned up someone else's mess when they were well-able to clean it up themselves. We have paid another's debt when they had the resources to pay it themselves. And many of us are disillusioned, angry and resentful because of that.

But deep down we still want to give, we need to give.

What we need is to find worthier causes. We need to start to give again to people who really are down on their luck - not just looking for a free ride. There is an ocean of need in our world, in our cities, in other continents, in our hospitals, our orphanages, our retirement homes, in refugee camps, in soup kitchens.

It can be a wonderful thing to discover that you have something to share that somebody else needs - truly needs. There are lots of reputable organizations that are looking for help. It's up to us to contact them and find our calling.

Explore Music & The Arts

One of the things that happens to people who live under a repressive regime is that they hide their true selves under a facade of what will get them the least in trouble. Many people have forced themselves to fake interests in things that they do not really care about or hide their real interests just to keep the peace.

When you begin to emerge from a state of codependency, you may find yourself going back to your roots again - the songs, the sounds, the joys that you treasure from moments in your past that you felt really free. It can feel like a guilty pleasure at first - you may feel like it is somehow wrong to be so self-indulgent.

It's not. It's wrong to abuse people. It's never wrong to love yourself. Set yourself free.

Read...

Ever wondered when you were going to find the time to read the classics? Join a book club? Read a bestseller - a romance novel or a suspense thriller? Just Do It!!

People tend to find time for the things they consider important. If you consider yourself important you can begin to make time to do the things that YOU love. Not the things people expect you to love, or the tings that you feel as though you SHOULD love - what about the things you really DO love?

Make A List!

What are your dreams? What would you say is the reason you are alive - what is your purpose? What do you want to have accomplished before you die or you get too old or sick to do it?

Make a list!

And then do it!

Pick an easy thing first, just to get you started. Then try something more difficult. Take a risk. Take the road less traveled. Score out lines on your list. See how many you can get done in a day, a month, a year and score off the lines in your list. Reward yourself for each one you do. You'll be surprised how much you are capable of when you are determined.

Go See A Movie!

Ever seen a really great movie? How many great movies did you skip because you were too busy running after the needs of another? Enrich your world! Eat Some Popcorn!

Travel

Nothing can broaden your horizons quite like traveling to a part of the world that you have never visited before. It's hard to travel without meeting different people with different cultures than you - different assumptions, different hopes fears and dreams. Travel can be to a different city for a day or it can be to a different continent for a month - depending on your resources and your sense of adventure. Take that trip you always promised yourself you would one day. Take that trip you always dreamed of but never thought you would! Go visit a village in Ecuador, a refugee camp in Africa, The Pyramids or the Rockies or the Golden Coast or the Glaciers. Visit the town of your ancestors, or the birthplace of your hero. Walk on a beach, climb a mountain, explore a cavern, take a motorbike ride. Seize the day!

The 51% Rule - The 51% Rule says that we need to consider our own needs just a little more that those of others in order to be able to help them effectively.

A Word About Failure

We will fail sometimes. Everyone fails. The person who never made a mistake never made anything.

After we have endured great hardship in our lives, even small trials can seem like overwhelming defeats. It's easy to tell ourselves we're no good, we're weak, we're useless, worthless, doomed. We're just born losers.

Trials and adversity visit everybody. Even great heroes have endured great struggles. Sickness, an unexpected bill, the loss of something or someone we valued, an honest mistake, a poor decision, a disappointment. We don't know what it will be but we know it will be something.

Everybody gets up after they fall, but if we're honest, most of us will admit to spending a moment or two when we're down on the ground wondering if we should just stay there. Those of us who have been knocked down a lot might take a little longer to think about that than others. We may even contemplate how we can make drastic changes to escape our circumstances. If you're seriously thinking about taking your life, please call one of the numbers on our Emergency Page, see a therapist, a friend, a doctor, a pastor. It's easier to get up when someone is giving us a hand.

Times of failure and adversity are not there to prophesy the future - they are part of the temporal ebb and flow of life - and they happen - and just as certain as the tide comes in, it has to go out again.

Hard times will come sometimes, and those are times when it is good to have friends - to share on a support board like this, to call a trusted confidant, to check in with a therapist or to draw on a resource that we have tucked away for a rainy day. Those are good times to read our list of the things we are most proud of and reward ourselves for what good things we have accomplished. Those are good times to work on our list of things we want to accomplish, if we are able. Picture the worst case scenario - then the best case - then the middle case - and try to set reasonable expectations for what might happen.

And as sure as there are disappointments and failures - there will be good surprises and successes too. We promise!

And Finally...

You are the architect and author. You are the inventor and the creator, You are the magic that is waiting to be unleashed. You are uniquely endowed with gifts, with wisdom, with talent and with beauty. You have so much to give and receive in this world. There is so much potential in you. We have offered a few simple ideas here - but you can probably offer a hundred more, better, richer ideas for what you can be.

We wish you every success as you explore your world and work on yourself, and we invite you to share your own experiences on our Working on Us Board - so that we might be inspired by YOUR story...