No matter if we're Chosen's or Unchosen's - after we have exited the chaos of living with a person who has a personality disorder, we all face the same challenges -
How will I survive on my own?
How do I make sure my next relationship isn't just a repeat of the last one?
How do I avoid bringing all my baggage into a new relationship?
Non-PD's - people who have experienced relationships with personality disordered individuals are often vulnerable to repeating the cycle of becoming abuse victims. There are numerous possible reasons for this. We may suffer from C-PTSD, we may never have had a healthy relationship modeled for us, we may have such low self esteem that we feel we do not deserve to be treated well.
In this page we explore what it's like to venture into the sometimes frightening world of relationships, and suggest a few ideas to consider to help evaluate if the new relationships we are getting into are healthy or dysfunctional.
Going it Alone/Taking Time Out
For a Non-Personality-Disordered individual who has spent years in a world where chaos is normal and there has been a dominant destructive or abusive personality in their life, the vacancy that is left once the relationship ends can be terrifying. Sometimes people feel a sense of panic and ask themselves questions like:
What if nobody wants me?
What if there's something wrong with me?
What if I'm getting too old and it's getting too late?
Why can't I find a normal relationship?
What if getting hurt and being abused are really just normal?
Being unsure about ourselves sometimes causes people to make mistakes when we hook up with someone else. We either do it too fast or we hook up with someone who isn't good for us.
Time to grieve
Grief is a normal, response to loss that normal, healthy people go through Grief usually does not all come out at once or in just one way.
The 5 Stages of Grief - The 5 Stages of Grief - Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression & Acceptance - were first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to describe a process which many people go through when dealing with a significant tragedy or loss.
When we first detach ourselves from a controlling or abusive personality, we begin to go through everything "for the first time" again. First birthday, first Christmas, first summer vacation, first Valentine's Day, first Thanksgiving. First Anniversary, etc. Each of these anniversaries has a way of digging up old memories and grief.
Subsequent anniversaries and triggering memories can bring back memories just as strong. It can be surprising sometimes to people who are grieving that many years later, they can be suddenly whisked back to the way they felt years ago and feel just as much pain and grief even though they have put distance between themselves and the loss. In general these grief triggers get father apart over time - but they can be just as strong when they come. This is because our memories contain information about feelings as well as facts. When we remember an emotional event, we remember how it felt as much as we remember what happened and when we recall that memory we actually feel those feelings again.
With each of these anniversaries, we get a chance to explore ourselves - what I am like, how I want to celebrate the holiday, where I want to spend my money etc.
Time to discover yourself
It takes time to stop relating to ourselves in terms of the other person with the personality disorder. It's common to hear people talk about a new love interest in terms of what they are not rather than what they are...
He's nothing like my ex husband
She's different from my mother
He would never act like that
She's much more loving than ...
Sometimes, when we come out from under the shadow of a dominant personality, we begin to grow. You never quite know how something that is growing is going to end up - it's a mystery. So it is an important gift to give to yourself to give yourself the space to grow and discover who you really are. You can do that a lot better on your own than you can in a relationship with someone else.
Time to be comfortable in your own skin
You have to be complete by yourself before you can be complete with someone else. If you find yourself wanting to be in a relationship that will "complete" you - that should be a red flag. When you go into a relationship it needs to be a mutual sharing of two people who give and receive. IF you go into a relationship expecting another person to rescue you or fix things for you then you are going in with a false expectation that will likely result in disillusionment.
Instead you want to go into a relationship where you are comfortable in your own skin - where you are not afraid to back away if things aren't great, where you are able to give as much as you receive and you expect to receive as much as you give.
There's an old saying that "misery loves company" If you are not content with who you are by yourself then you probably aren't ready for anyone else.
How Long is Long Enough?
The answer is different for everybody and there are no guarantees. However if you have been in a serious relationship or in a traumatic environment then at least one year gives you the chance to see an entire cycle of anniversaries, seasons and holidays. One year also gives you enough time to know what your "normal" is like - rather than what one of your "highs" or "lows" is like.
For others - living alone for good is the right choice. Many people find that the longer they get used to being alone the less of a need they feel for companionship.
Everyone is different. It is our hope that whatever you do, all your future relationships and friendships will be happy and satisfying and that your time alone will be just as happy and satisfying.
An "Out of the FOG" Relationship...
Here are some things to consider if you want your next relationship to be one which helps keep you "Out of the FOG"...
Someone who is "good for you" - It's not wrong to think a little selfishly when entering back into the world of relationships. If you are still thinking 100% in terms of what you can give to the other person you have not reached a level of emotional maturity necessary to be getting involved with other people.
A Friend and a Lover - There's no denying that sexual attraction plays a very big part in selecting a partner and it is important - but t is equally important to choose a partner with whom you will be friends with when the thrill is over. What would you think of this person if they were badly injured in a car crash, had a long term illness, gained weight etc?
Kindness - does this person have a kind heart? Can they share, care and be good to you. Can you trust them to help you in a crisis. Will they forgive you when you screw up? Will they care as much about your heart as they do about heir own?
Emotional Stability - does this person have a stable track record? Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.
Financial Stability - is this person able to take care of themselves?
A person who you would recommend to your best friend - if this person is someone whom you would gladly set up with your best friend with no hesitation then they are more likely to be the kind pf person who you consider to be safe and good for you.
A person who will let you be you - Someone who doesn't demand that you change, lose weight, make more money, change your dress code, diet, job, religion, politics, habits, friendships, interests - who loves you for who you are -warts and all. Someone who understands that you aren't perfect and doesn't need you to be. Someone who encourages you to be the best "You" that you can be. Who cheers your accomplishments and sympathizes with your failures. Now THAT's what we're talking about!
A relationship that is consistent with the Non-PD Toolbox...
The Non-PD "Toolbox"
Definition:
The Non-PD "Toolbox" - The Non-PD "Toolbox" is a collection of ideas and responses to personality disordered behaviors that haveworked well in most cases.
Description:
Click on the links for more info on each topic:
Personal Safety - Personal Safety is a list of actions that are designed to keep situations from escalating and to make sure that Physical, Emotional and Verbal abuse is avoided or stopped at the first moment it begins to happen. It contains lists of 1. When to stop the conversation, 2. When to leave the room and 3. When to call the police.
Boundaries - Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissable ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.
The 51% Rule - The 51% Rule says that we need to consider our own needs just a little more that those of others in order to be able to help them effectively.
No Contact (NC) - Going "No Contact" means cutting off all forms of correspondence, communication and personal contact with a person who suffers from a personality disorder in order to protect yourself from recurring abuse.
Putting Children First - Putting Children First means making decisions based on "what is in the best interests of the children", regardless of the consequences for the parents and any other parties involved.
Situational Ethics - Situational Ethics is a philosophy which promotes the idea that, when dealing with a crisis, the end justifies the means and that a rigid interpretation of the rules, laws and moral codes should be temporarily set aside if a greater good or lesser evil is served by doing so. Understanding situational ethics in the presence of dissociative thought sometimes explains the apparently unethical behavior of people who suffer from personality disorders.
The 3 "C's" Rule- The 3 "C's" rule is a reminder to victim's of abuse that "I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it and I can't Control it.
The 50% Rule- The 50% Rule says that we are responsible for 50% of the things that happen in any relationship we share with a person who suffers from a personality disorder.
Everybody Gets to Clean Up Their Own Messes - Everybody Gets to Clean Up Their Own Messes is a principal that encourages us to take responsibility for dealing with our own messes and leave other people to clean up theirs.
Leaving Checklist - The Leaving Checklist is a list of things to prepare and things to consider before, during and after separating from a person who suffers from a personality disorder.
My Stuff/Your Stuff- My Stuff/Your Stuff is a thought technique of reminding yourself to separate what is really your responsibility, your concern and under your control and what is a personality-disordered individual's responsibility, concern and under their control.
Time Out - A Time-Out is a decision to temporarily disengage from an argument, conversation, interpersonal situation or conflict.
Therapy for Non-PD's- Once they have learned to protect themselves and emotionally detach from the personality -disordered individuals in their lives, many Non-Personality Disordered Individuals (Non-PD's) find that they benefit from spending time with a good therapist where they can be encouraged, learn more about themselves and learn ways to work on themselves.
Finding Supportive Friendships- It's important to find supportive people you can talk to on a regular basis who understand personality disorders and the the dynamics of being in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder.
Hot Penning - Hot Penning is a technique of journaling where you rapidly write down whatever comes to mind on a topic without taking a break, stopping to think or slowing down to correct spelling & punctuation.
Making Choices - Choices are the opportunities we have to change things for the better - or worse.
Working On Ourselves - Working On Ourselves means taking some of our energy, time and focus off of the personality disordered people in our lives and restoring a more healthy balance where we spend an appropriate amount of time on improving our own situation, regardless of what the person who suffers from the personality disorder does.
Rules Of Relationships - Rules of Relationships are a series of ideas for non-personality-disordered individuals to consider when thinking about getting involved in romantic relationships.
A "Back to the FOG" relationship...
Life has no guarantees and there are countless ways you can get yourself into a messy situation. There's really no guaranteed formula for success or failure - but there are some situations with the highest probability of getting you back into the FOG...
Whirlwind relationships - if you're thinking about moving in, getting married or engaged within weeks or even a few months of getting involved that's a red flag. Take time to learn about a person before making commitments that you can't easily get out of. And give them a chance to get to know you. If a person is putting you under pressure to make a commitment before you get a chance to know them that probably means there's something very wrong with them that they don't want you to discover.
One way relationships - the ones where you are doing all the giving and they are doing all the taking. If your potential partner can't support themselves financially, emotionally or otherwise you've got no business getting involved with them.
Secretive relationships - the ones where you're forbidden by the other person from telling others about them - or about the relationship. If you can't tell all your friends and family all about this person and the things you have done and the plans you have you should be careful about getting involved with them. Think "Romeo & Juliet" all the way.
Performance Relationships - if another person doesn't love you just the way you are they don't love YOU - they love some fantasy. If they are always asking you to prove your love by changing your values, your habits, your interests, your dreams, your friendships, your goals in life they are trying to make you into something you are not and you need to move on. They don't have to love everything about you like your snoring or your taste in music - but they have to love and accept you - the whole package, whether you change or not. That goes the other way too - if there's something you want to change about the other person try to convince yourself that they are not going to change.
Stormy relationships - this may seem obvious - but if they hit you, hurt you or berate you before you make a commitment they are likely to do it much more often afterwards.
Runaway relationships - relationships that require you to leave everything about your former life behind may seem attractive if you're feeling depressed about your own life - but they rarely work out in the end. Take time to build bonds from within your life to their life and if you can't do that you probably aren't very compatible. Also - beware of long distance relationships as they can put you under immense pressure to make big commitments with a person whom you hardly know.
Charity cases - don't get involved with anyone you feel sorry for, anyone whom you feel you can "help" or anyone you feel would be better off if they had you. Likewise don't get involved with anyone who "just needs a little love" or "just hasn't had a fair chance in life" If you find yourself doing this you have a messiah complex and you are not in a good place to be getting involved with anyone. You are more likely to hurt them more than help them. This is not the foundation of a healthy relationship so much as a dysfunctional one.
Dependency Relationships - avoid any relationship where the person you are getting involved with is dependent on you for money, support, a place to live, a job, a car, whatever. And don't get into a relationship where you are dependent on the other person for those things.
Blamers - look out for people who don't take responsibility for their own mistakes - or who are quick to blame or accuse others for everything that is wrong in their lives. The way they talk about or treat others is a good indicator of the he way they will talk about or treat you.
Relationships that put you back in the Non-PD Recycle Bin...
The Non-PD "Recycle Bin"
Definition:
The Non-PD "Recycle Bin" - The Non-PD "Recycle Bin" is a collection of some of the most common reactions and responses to personality disordered behaviors that many of us have instinctively tried, sometimes over and over, but that have not been effective in most cases in helping improve our quality of life or the quality of life of those who have the personality disorder.
Description:
Click on the links for more information on each topic:
Abuse Amnesia - Abuse Amnesia is a form of denial in which a victim habitually "forgives and forgets" episodes of abuse when it would be more appropriate - and ultimately better for both parties - to hold them accountable for their own actions.
Amateur Diagnosis - An Amateur Diagnosis is when a non-qualified individual confronts someone whom they suspect suffers from a personality-disorder and shares this belief with them, usually in the hope that this revelation will help to improve the relationship or the situation.
Avoidance - Avoidance is the practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.
Circular Conversations - Circular Conversations are arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no real resolution.
Codependency - A Codependency is a relationship in which an otherwise mentally-healthy person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected by an addiction or mental illness.
"Control-Me" Syndrome - "Control-Me" Syndrome describes a tendency that some abuse victims and some people who suffer from personality disorders have to nurture relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or "acting-out" nature.
Denial (Non-PD) -Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen. Non-PD Denial is cycles of particular types of denial that people who live with or are close to personality disordered people are prone to.
Enabling - Enabling is a pattern of behavior often adopted by abuse victims which seeks to avoid confrontation and conflict by absorbing the abuse without challenging it or setting boundaries. The perpetrator of the abuse is thus "enabled" to continue their pattern of behavior.
Fix-It Syndrome - Fix-It Syndrome is when a non-personality-disordered individual frequently puts themselves in the position of a caretaker who is responsible for compensating for their personality-disordered loved-one's behaviors, cleaning up any messes created by their actions and fixing any problems arising from their mental health issues.
Fleas - When a non-personality-disordered individual (Non-PD) begins imitating or emulating some of the disordered behavior of a loved one or family member with a personality disorder this is sometimes referred to as "getting fleas".
Intermittent Reinforcement - Intermittent Reinforcement is when rules, rewards or personal boundaries are handed out or enforced inconsistently and occasionally. This usually encourages another person to keep pushing until they get what they want from you without changing their own behavior.
Imposed Isolation - Isolation from friends, family, peers and supportive communities is common among victims of abuse. Isolation is sometimes caused by a person who has a personality disorder who does not want someone close to them having close relationships with others. Isolation can also be self-imposed by abuse victims, who out of a sense of shame, fear, or guilt fear the consequences of what might happen if outsiders learn too much.
Lack of Boundaries - Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissable ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.
Learned Helplessness- Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe they have no control over a situation, even when they actually do have the power to change their circumstances, leading them into an unneccessary state of depression, where initiative, action or investment is deemed futile.
Obedience - In 1961 and 1962, Yale University psychologist Stanley Milgram performed a famous series of experiments which demonstrated that about 2 out of 3 people will perform a cruel action towards another person if instructed to do so by someone whom they regard as an authority figure. This demonstrated that most people are prone to doing something they do not want to do, even something they would normally regard as "wrong", just because they are told to do it by an assertive or authoritative person.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior - Passive Aggressive behavior is the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (such as through procrastination and stubbornness).
Riding The Emotional Elevator - The Emotional Elevator is a way of describing how people who suffer from personality disorders and those closest to them sometimes take a fast track down to different levels of emotional maturity.
Rescuer Syndrome -Rescuer Syndrome is when a non-personality-disordered individual mistakenly assumes that their own skills and qualities are adequate to cure or compensate for their personality-disordered loved-one's mental health issues, often disregarding medical or professional best-practice and attempts to cure the personality disorder through their own personal effort.
Stockholm Syndrome - Stockholm Syndrome is when a hostage, kidnap victim or abuse victim develops a sense of loyalty or co-operation towards their captor or abuser, disregarding the abuse or the danger and protecting or sustaining the perpetrator.
Thought Policing - Thought Policing is any process of trying to question, control, or unduly influence another persons thoughts or feelings.
For More Information & Support...
If you suspect you may have a family member or partner who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.
Dec 29, 2010 - Out of the FOG is moving to bigger digs! To accommodate our rapid growth, we are making preparations to migrate our support forum from Zetaboards to Simple Machines Forum (SMF). See the link below for more information about the move.
Nov 1, 2010 - Out of the FOG is 3 years old today! It's great to see our forum continue to grow and become stronger. Thanks to all of you who make OOTF a safe and welcoming place to learn about coping with a family member, friend or partner who suffers from a personality disorder.
Sep 4, 2010 - Out of the FOG just reached a milestone - we now have 1000 Members registered on our Support Forum. Thanks to all for being a part of OOTF and making this such a supportive online community.
Sep 1, 2010 - We have just completed the first of what will be an annual leadership nomination and election cycle. In addition to Gary being reconfirmed as site owner and MoGlow, Haggis & Aames being reconfirmed as Admins, Klarity Belle and 2bad were appointed as new moderators. Please join us in welcoming Klarity Belle and 2bad to the OOTF leadership team.
