Recent posts
#1
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Sounds awful, but will he ...
Last post by Call Me Cordelia - Yesterday at 09:46:25 PMYou maintained regular visits. You allowed them to make their own choices and live their lives as they saw fit. You are offering assistance to people you have a really hard time with. You opened yourself back up to a long-dead relationship with your sister for the benefit of your awful parents. You have a mountain of financial work ahead of you. You naturally do not like this state of affairs one bit.
I see a very kind and generous person here, Blueberry.
I see a very kind and generous person here, Blueberry.
#2
Chosen Relationships / Re: I just realized I am being...
Last post by sunshine702 - Yesterday at 09:39:34 PMI would never scan his face for "micro aggressions" and then Rage at him
He has mommy rage problems. And this was happening two years ago 2022
This is an abusive relationship
He has mommy rage problems. And this was happening two years ago 2022
This is an abusive relationship
#3
Chosen Relationships / Re: I just realized I am being...
Last post by sunshine702 - Yesterday at 09:31:14 PMAnd these blow outs are from him. That I am not volatile. I came on this board to get help with my mom's NPD only to discover his mom is also NPD and He is abusing me. Near daily
#4
Chosen Relationships / I just realized I am being abu...
Last post by sunshine702 - Yesterday at 09:23:48 PMThis is going to sound cluesless but I just realized I AM BEING VERBALLY ABUSED BY PARTNER!!
Reading that post from 2 years not understanding much about BPD but describing being raged at for "disagreeing" with him on my face. Being scanned.
This is a light bulb. Seeing that all these years later and realizing this is not ok
And I am being abused.
Badly.
Apt is Wednesdsy
Reading that post from 2 years not understanding much about BPD but describing being raged at for "disagreeing" with him on my face. Being scanned.
This is a light bulb. Seeing that all these years later and realizing this is not ok
And I am being abused.
Badly.
Apt is Wednesdsy
#5
Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Setting boundaries with BP...
Last post by Rebel13 - Yesterday at 09:13:50 PMQuote from: acupofcoffeeisallineed on Yesterday at 12:41:53 AMHi again Rebel13, thank you for this reply too. I was wondering a bit more about how you went with asserting yourself with people who start drama.
Hi again coffee-for-short!
Please know that it has taken me YEARS to get to the point I am at now with friendships, so please be very gentle with yourself about all this. It is so clear, from what you have written, that you are doing your utmost to be a kind, conscientious, good friend to "Melanie" (lol moglow), and she is not treating you with the same respect and consideration. Her behavior is squarely on her, not you.
I think you said it perfectly here, you just need a reframe: "She has high needs/expectations in a friendship and as I heal my codependent tendencies I ... think I can no longer meet those high needs/expectations. I really hope she can get those needs met by someone else or elsewhere as I cannot do that for her anymore. That does not mean that I am not interested in a friendship with her. I would like to maintain our friendship but be less close."
So let me reframe! When she brings the topic up again, you can say, "'Melanie', I've been thinking about this, and I don't want as close a friendship as you do. I'd be glad to interact with you socially but I'm really not up for a close friendship, and I hope you can find what you're looking for with someone else." If she persists, repeat as needed, say "excuse me" and walk away, or whatever you need to do to stay firm in your boundary. You don't have to be mean or mad, you can even say, "I wish you the best," and show that you're sad or sorry for hurting her feelings. But if it's the right decision for you, that's the decision you get to make.
In the more general sense, the old saying "an ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure" is applicable for these kinds of relationships -- avoiding getting into them in the first place is the best way!
Here's a great quote from ChumpLady about this:
"Any two people are going to experience some conflict at some point. So when those issues arise, watch what happens next. If you enforce a boundary — how does this person react? Do you get the three channels of mindfuckery? Rage, charm, or self-pity? Or is this person capable of self-reflection? Most important, do they care if they hurt you? Do they want to please you? Does the relationship feel reciprocal?"
Because of my upbringing (codependent is one good way I could describe myself too!), it took me a long time to learn to spot these dynamics. I watched a video today where the speaker said something like, "If you were trained to overfunction, when you meet someone who isn't coping with their life well, you see it as an invitation for you to step in and overfunction to fix their problems." Oh my goodness isn't that the truth! I had to learn to proceed slowly with new people, to give the red flags time to emerge. I tried a couple of times, when I was younger, in pretty big, self-sacrificing, life-disrupting ways to help people I barely knew who were in crisis, and those situations did not end well.
The biggest red flag for me now, is when someone only talks about themselves and/or never asks anything about me. This is getting harder, because overall I think it's more and more acceptable for people to be self-absorbed, at least in the US. But I watch for that, and when I see it, or even think I see it, I take a step back and slow down the progress of the relationship. If I'm wrong, there's no harm done and the friendship can proceed slowly. But if I'm right, it's so nice to dodge the bullets instead of having to extricate myself from someone who only wants to use me for attention or whatever other personal needs they have.
#6
Last Days / After the Funeral / Do you feel sorry for them?
Last post by Invisiblewoman - Yesterday at 07:08:22 PMWhen they passed (my mom) I was initially relieved, which sounds cold but then I was confronted with the reality that I was being isolated and stonewalled.
Now I know that that was a typical reaction from my family (to seek out a scapegoat) I stepped back.
Now I seriously wonder how she was treated and if a lot of her behaviour was an outcome of poor treatment in our family?
I honestly just feel sorry for her now.
Now I know that that was a typical reaction from my family (to seek out a scapegoat) I stepped back.
Now I seriously wonder how she was treated and if a lot of her behaviour was an outcome of poor treatment in our family?
I honestly just feel sorry for her now.
#7
Other Media Resources / Re: Two great blogs on difficu...
Last post by Rebel13 - Yesterday at 06:28:33 PMOh my goodness, let me start you off! I haven't looked at Captain Awkward lately, and this new post is awesome. Winning line: "...you cannot love another person into being okay, and you definitely cannot love someone who treats you like shit out of treating you like shit."
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
#8
Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members / Re: NPD Father made NPD Sister...
Last post by Defiantdaughter1 - Yesterday at 06:28:32 PMYou need to see an attorney. Disability checks aren't sufficient to live on. Your sister is fully aware of that. Everybody knows that. She has lupus, which should make her more humble and understanding of your situation.
#9
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: They really didn’t want me...
Last post by Defiantdaughter1 - Yesterday at 06:24:33 PMYOU matter!
#10
Other Media Resources / Two great blogs on difficult r...
Last post by Rebel13 - Yesterday at 05:34:58 PMI've been sharing both these blogs in responses to threads, so I thought I would put them here for easy reference and give a little more context about why I like them.
ChumpLady: ChumpLady is hilarious. The main focus of the blog is on married victims of infidelity. However, ChumpLady's articles are always a great read, and since she believes that many if not most cheaters are narcissistic, the focus of a lot of her writing is on coping with, and especially leaving, relationships with narcissistic partners. With her snark, she decodes and deflates the self-serving rhetoric, emotional manipulation, and enormous egos narcissistic people use to justify their self-serving actions. She gives great emotional and legal suggestions and encourages people not to accept abuse. She says the only question we have to ask ourselves is, "Is this relationship acceptable to me?" Additionally, she has a large and active community of international commenters, and I believe there is a Facebook group as well. Hearing the experiences of others helps to cut through the sense of isolation we so often feel, and shows that there's a fairly small, predictable set of behaviors that disordered people use to try to get their way. Although my experience of infidelity was many years ago, I read this blog and the comments often, to keep my awareness of the red flags sharp. In my opinion, reading through the archives and past comments would be useful (and comforting!) to anyone struggling with a difficult relationship, particularly with a narcissistic or abusive partner.
Captain Awkward: Captain Awkward writes about all kinds of relationships, not just romantic partnerships or marriages. The best part, in my opinion, is that she often -- particularly in older posts -- provides specific, practical suggestions and even scripts for having difficult conversations with family, ending friendships, and other situations that arise frequently when trying to deal with difficult people. This is true even though the blog isn't focused on dysfunctional relationships. She's really great at describing how to set boundaries and countering the self-doubt and justifications a lot of us struggle with in our relationships. I didn't find the comments as useful as the ones on ChumpLady and Captain Awkward isn't accepting comments on newer posts, but the posts themselves are in-depth, practical, kind, and often quite amusing. The best way I've found to find posts relevant to whatever situation I'm coping with, is by using the categories/tags. And don't dismiss posts for being old, they're kind of timeless!
Good luck and I hope you find something that helps you.
ChumpLady: ChumpLady is hilarious. The main focus of the blog is on married victims of infidelity. However, ChumpLady's articles are always a great read, and since she believes that many if not most cheaters are narcissistic, the focus of a lot of her writing is on coping with, and especially leaving, relationships with narcissistic partners. With her snark, she decodes and deflates the self-serving rhetoric, emotional manipulation, and enormous egos narcissistic people use to justify their self-serving actions. She gives great emotional and legal suggestions and encourages people not to accept abuse. She says the only question we have to ask ourselves is, "Is this relationship acceptable to me?" Additionally, she has a large and active community of international commenters, and I believe there is a Facebook group as well. Hearing the experiences of others helps to cut through the sense of isolation we so often feel, and shows that there's a fairly small, predictable set of behaviors that disordered people use to try to get their way. Although my experience of infidelity was many years ago, I read this blog and the comments often, to keep my awareness of the red flags sharp. In my opinion, reading through the archives and past comments would be useful (and comforting!) to anyone struggling with a difficult relationship, particularly with a narcissistic or abusive partner.
Captain Awkward: Captain Awkward writes about all kinds of relationships, not just romantic partnerships or marriages. The best part, in my opinion, is that she often -- particularly in older posts -- provides specific, practical suggestions and even scripts for having difficult conversations with family, ending friendships, and other situations that arise frequently when trying to deal with difficult people. This is true even though the blog isn't focused on dysfunctional relationships. She's really great at describing how to set boundaries and countering the self-doubt and justifications a lot of us struggle with in our relationships. I didn't find the comments as useful as the ones on ChumpLady and Captain Awkward isn't accepting comments on newer posts, but the posts themselves are in-depth, practical, kind, and often quite amusing. The best way I've found to find posts relevant to whatever situation I'm coping with, is by using the categories/tags. And don't dismiss posts for being old, they're kind of timeless!
Good luck and I hope you find something that helps you.