Recent posts

#1

Working on Us / Re: The toll of chronic invali...

Last post by Invisiblewoman - Yesterday at 10:21:28 PM

When I read your post, I understood how that traumatic, offensive-to-defensive, isolating feeling is, especially when it feels like there isn't anyone for support to co-sign with you about the truth. How is that possible that it's so difficult to have that? I have gone through the same type of things.

Exactly, and it feels like I am trying to find people that I can explain it to and get a sense of validation, that keeps steering me towards a healthier way of thinking, beyond what my family system tried to instill.

I held onto a friend from high school who I explained it to and he got it the first time, and people like that are now my friends.

A lot comes up for me still about all the things they said, and my wishing it wasn't real.

#2

Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Sounds awful, but will he ...

Last post by Jane Doe - Yesterday at 08:31:19 PM

Thank you for writing this Blueberry, I certainly get it esp your title.  You have been strong and resilient with the situation that was put before you, hope I can be that strong when my birth mother has to be put in a nursing home if she lives that long.  She is also in her 80s.

I feel guilty thinking that way but I don't ever see her letting me live in peace until she dies.

#3

Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Bereaved uNPD friend

Last post by Kaz1956 - Yesterday at 06:03:31 PM

Thanks Bloomie, that's good advice. Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

He didn't accept the invitation but we will be seeing him socially with others in a week.

I'm struggling with feelings of being triggered given my PD family history. It never ended well.

I like your suggestion of a reset statement though so will work on how best to communicate around that. ❤️

#4

Common Behaviors / Re: Accusing you of the very t...

Last post by Invisiblewoman - Yesterday at 04:27:09 PM

My uNPD mother projects all the time. Onto everyone.

The worst recent example was when a terminally ill relative left hospital to go home to die. His wife was sending her updates to pass on to the family. Because he dared to ask his wife for some mango and yogurt when he got home, my mother wrote a great diatribe to the family about what a master manipulator he is, how he was not dying at all (as proved by the fact he could eat, apparently) but simply wanted to be out of hospital to be waited on hand and foot by his wife. And that his wife was stupid for making sure he had care and supervision 24/7. Apparently she should have gone out shopping and to hair appointments as she saw fit, and if he died alone in the house while she was out - well, too bad.

He died a week later.

 

I like how suddenly they know modern medicine and know the undeniable truth according to their world, especially as someone is dying.

Like that is not the time to start trying to judge people and play busy body.

They pick the worst times to be awful to someone.  And if you notice it they will pawn off their behaviour onto you, and play victim.

#5

Common Behaviors / Re: Accusing you of the very t...

Last post by sunshine702 - Yesterday at 04:17:58 PM

My uNPD mother projects all the time. Onto everyone.

The worst recent example was when a terminally ill relative left hospital to go home to die. His wife was sending her updates to pass on to the family. Because he dared to ask his wife for some mango and yogurt when he got home, my mother wrote a great diatribe to the family about what a master manipulator he is, how he was not dying at all (as proved by the fact he could eat, apparently) but simply wanted to be out of hospital to be waited on hand and foot by his wife. And that his wife was stupid for making sure he had care and supervision 24/7. Apparently she should have gone out shopping and to hair appointments as she saw fit, and if he died alone in the house while she was out - well, too bad.

He died a week later.

 

Dang that is epic awful.  I am protective of the dying.  Narcs really show themselves in these sensitive times

#6

Working on Us / Re: The toll of chronic invali...

Last post by LoverofPeace - Yesterday at 04:17:12 PM

I am no contact now. I know I am trauma bonded and there is just no fixing it, and no need for me to continue being in touch.

I feel like the more I am in touch, the more history is doomed to repeat itself.

working on being happy more now.

Hi Invisiblewoman,

On the contrary, I feel like you did fix it by being no contact. On top of that, you're wise enough to follow that with wanting to work on being more happy.

I know we can't stop thinking about them altogether, but I believe it's more about not ruminating about them. Lord knows that's been my issue of late. The frustrating part is for my years of practically no contact, I put the FOO-- particularly the Ngrandmom, Nmom, and Nsis--in the rearview mirror. Now I've had to be back in contact due to Ngrand's/Nmom's funerals. God bless and rest them, but I'm finding myself having to go through putting boundaries in place while dealing with this Nsis about family things.

I want to thank both of you for your validating replies. It means everything towards my steps towards healing.

When I read your post, I understood how that traumatic, offensive-to-defensive, isolating feeling is, especially when it feels like there isn't anyone for support to co-sign with you about the truth. How is that possible that it's so difficult to have that? I have gone through the same type of things.

I will give the benefit of the doubt with some family members, as they don't necessarily know the deal with my nuclear family's issues. All they do is go by what they're told by that person, when I think they should question why this person is always making all the moves and doing too much talking.

My nephew actually used the word 'narcissist' when I discussed the Nsis with him, even though I purposely left the word out because I didn't want that to get back to her (you know how the experts say that would only create more chaos). I wanted to explain to him what his Mom, who is another sister (she was the original scapegoat who was very sweet, and had to go NC-she has since gone to heaven) went through, because I could see him struggling when she first passed. So I told him why she used to have a lot of anxiety. While he loves his Mom dearly and thanked me because he said it helped to clear up the questions in his mind, he also basically accepts narcissists as a whole. He didn't say it verbatim, but he acts like he doesn't have any issues with it. Sometimes I think he even admires it. And he's a gentle soul himself, so go figure. Listen, I know narcs are a fact of life since the begining of time, but I have to say that human nature is something else. 

With all that said, your thanks wasn't needed but I am glad to know it helps in your healing. Trust that it helps me, too. And this is what I hoped to be the end goal for us all in this unfortunate situation we find ourselves in. This can put us on the road to healing.

And you mentioned not getting sucked back in. Exactly! Let me say that with all that work with my NC or VLC and yet with the event of my Ngrandmom and Nmom's passing, and then meeting up about tying up those loose ends (which I'm seeing will take time); those things didn't add up to nearly as much time as my NC/VLC. And yet, I'm feeling sucked back in! I don't blame myself because these are things that obviously have to be dealt with, but that's also why I'm still seeking how people who have gone NC avoids these type of things? I'm asking in general, because each individual and their specific family issues are different. I just wish I had all the answers to see mine through. That's why being labeled a black sheep by others really makes your life simpler by it automatically taking care of the avoidance part for you. And what's left? Working on ourselves toward increased peace!

And with that said...

Hi LoverofPeace,

That is a great name. It says it all in a way - we love peace!!

Hi and thank you, Treesgrowslowly! You completely get it! I meant to say how much I love your name, too. As soon as I saw it, I thought about myself as that tree who is growing all the time. And though it's slowly, it's surely. Of course, that means for you, Invisiblewoman, and others out there who are in this boat. Even if we swing back and forth on that pendulum, at least we swing harder on the growth side.

My go to resource for what you mentioned here (about memories) is Pete Walker's book C PTSD from surviving to thriving. I still re-read his section on managing flashbacks when I need a booster!

I hope to check this out one of these days. Lord knows I have gotten so many self-help books that's left unfinished, or unread altogether, but I don't want to miss out on a gem. I just have to re-learn how to focus. I used to have focus of steel and can't seem to get it back...yet. Though I know I'm responsible for my own life, I know it's a culmination of all this narc stuff that's affected me. The more I was determined to concentrate on the good, the more the 'narc sharks' kept biting until my mind just couldn't take it anymore! 

Personally, I think LC didn't work in my FOO because they punish people for breaking the rules, and my LC broke their rules. But in other families, LC is acceptable.

My Nsis is the one who likes to punish for 'breaking the rules'. It's sickening, because everyone else might be disappointed, but it's on a normal level. With her, she takes all the peace away (or has tried to) for living my life the way I want to. And who does that to someone who is trying to live peacefully? It's truly crazy because this one person makes me have to make sure to keep my guard up. I admit I'm not good at doing that because I'm naturally a loving, nuturing, communicative person. I'm not perfect by any means, but perfectly friendly. And I have to think on my toes on how that can be taken advantage of with people like her around. If you're dealing with more than one of that type in your family, they are doing you a favor with making NC as the only option.

Thank God for prayer, meditation, and forums like these!

This is so cathartic. Thanks and God bless you both!  🙏🏽

#7

Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Sounds awful, but will he ...

Last post by moglow - Yesterday at 12:34:56 PM

I could have written that one myself. I'll do what must be done to get care in place when needed then I'm dipping out.

Peace, friend!

#8

Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Sounds awful, but will he ...

Last post by moglow - Yesterday at 12:34:43 PM

I could have written that one myself. I'll do what must be done to get care in place when needed then I'm dipping out.

Peace, friend!

#9

Separating & Divorcing / Re: Is every discussion of the...

Last post by sunshine702 - Yesterday at 12:04:20 PM

So I am realizing he is mentally ill and it IS NOT ME.  "Hey somebody should have told me about CONFIRMING dinner" should not be seen in the same light as you cheated or stole a bunch of money — but in his mind it is.  I get raged at a lot over really tiny things and often things that are sort of body responses — a slight sigh in my facial expressions or a slight frustration.

You know he was always telling me recently that he would marry me if we could get our volatility fixed.  But it is 90 percent him so how can I fix that.

I see this now.  I feel so much psychologically safer now being gone.  The stress was bad though.  Slight rash.  But it's cleaned and Caladryl on it

#10

Last Days / After the Funeral / Re: Thought I Was Planning A F...

Last post by Invisiblewoman - Yesterday at 10:25:13 AM

How twisted they seem more emotionally uplifted by terrible news and then become indifferent when he recovers.

It's very hurtful to you.  I have had experiences with certain family only seeming to care when the news is gossip worthy or literally start making up terrible news to keep your attention, while invalidating your experiences, both good and bad.