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Thanks, Sweetpea and Penny lane.

I'm sorry you went through all that Sweetpea. But isn't it nice when it subsides? Although, I found it difficult to adjust to the silence when my pds cut down  on their correspondence.  I'd suddenly got what I'd wished for and didn't know what to do with it!

But I shouldn't have been surprised when they (mainly ds' s NSmum) started putting ds in the middle.

Penny lane,  I really don't recall what "work" I've put into the situation, other than setting boundries for myself. Eg: not responding to false accusations, wait 24 hours before responding if a response is required, stick to the topic etc..  God did the rest.  Time does make it easier.

I'm at the point where the abuse hurled at me doesn't bother me so much. But when they involve ds and try to triangulate with him it makes my blood boil.

I'm in a quandry as to whether I dealt with it in the right way.

I was so shocked when I first saw the NSmum's text to ds.  Probably if I hadn't referred him to it he wouldn't have said anything to me.

But I made him read it and asked his opinion on what had actually occurred. He started spouting stuff that his father had obviously said to him on the way home from training.

I nipped that in the bud by going through with him what had actually happened.

He seemed very uncomfortable.  He adores his dad and Smum and I think doesn't want to face the fact that they are imperfect and his mum (me) is not the terrible person they make me out to be.

I think also he was a little confused as to why they were making a drama out of nothing.

I was going to leave it at that but when I read u/npd exH's email the next day I showed it to ds without thinking.  I don't think I've ever shown him any of the email communications before.

I think he was quite shocked. He's now been exposed to the reality of his father's communication with me. He's seen a glimpse of a side of his dad that he didn't know existed. And it's not pretty.

I think he may be a little young for that. (He's 11.)  Maybe I shouldn't have shown him the email.  I don't know.

But I do believe I was right in discussing the drama with him.  I don't want him to think he's not allowed to talk to me or look at me when attending an event on his father's time.

And I want him to know that it's ok to wonder at the absurdity of his father and smum's accusations.

What do you think? Did I handle it the wrong way? Should I have not let on to ds that I'd seen his nsmum's text? Should I have not shown him the email?

Interesting thing happened after he read the email. He was so beautifully behaved for the rest of the night! We had a really lovely time together.

AOD
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Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Feeling happy and grateful
« Last post by Bothar on Today at 06:34:37 AM »
Thank you Day in September and All 4 peace for you kind replies. 
A day in September - your description of your mother being your number 1 thought is so true and helps me realise that this is a true honest statement from someone who really did care but our caring was a burden placed on us when we were little and that burden was crushing.  You are blessed that you are OOTF while your child is still little. My son is all grown up and I wish I had some of that time back but we can only do what we can do with the knowledge and awareness we have at the time.  I try not to dwell on it.
All 4 peace - You are right about the amount of hard work which came before.  We all have our stories of wading through all this emotional trauma, therapy, illness and stress. I kept going back in until I realised that all that therapy (20 years) was meant to be for my own benefit and my FOC .........not so that I could return to my FOO so that they could use it all up to perpetuate the dysfunction. 
I expect to have rough days again and to be challenged but knowing that I can have the happy ones too, keeps me going xx
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The hearing aid issue was the lightbulb issue for me. All my attempts to get her to wear one failed so I gave up and just let her not hear. If she didn't understand me, I repeated it once. If she still didn't get it, I reminded her that she was HOH. Since the TV was on its loudest, I simply took the remote and turned it down to tolerable.

She lip-read, and was fairly smart at guessing what people said, so if someone spoke to her, she guessed what it was they said and replied with something generic. But it's also how I knew she couldn't hear cuz sometimes she guessed wrong. So I wonder, slugsandsnails, if not giving your mum attention will actually get her interested in wearing them or if she will just strategize a way around.

My mom didn't wear AIDS bc mostly she was terrified of being ridiculed by the imaginary person who would ridicule her for not knowing how to use them.

And yes, cuthberta, my mom would read my non-verbals and accuse me of getting mad at her. Talking loudly and getting mad accompanied by similar gestures? Yep, no win situation.

As I said, when I gave up trying to make her hear, I then backed off other stuff, like worrying about her paying bills on time and taking her meds correctly.

Anyway, slugs, I appreciate what you are dealing with. Good luck!
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My Nsis outed me to our parents a few years ago- so not only have I not been allowed to state my truth, I've had it stated FOR me. I met someone and Nsis bumped into us on what was only our second date. The whole thing naturally became about her feeling hurt and angry that I hadn't told her and that she'd found out in this way. So she marched straight home and told our parents. She's not homophobic at all, it was all about self-entitlement and spite.

It sounds like you've had a lot in your family too. Good for you for setting your own boundaries too. They will always find a way of turning it around, like your sis and the telephone stuff. We both just have to hope that such situations quietly transition into LC/NC.
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: "You shouldn't have said that"
« Last post by Mons on Today at 06:12:35 AM »
So I heard back from the course leader and she understood my concerns without taking any offense at all.

I'm definitely going to be more careful what I share from now on. From the moment I told my mother about the email right up until I read all of your lovely reassuring replies, my head was spinning and I was kicking myself for sending it. All over nothing- I got a perfectly normal response to a perfectly normal question.

Dinah-sore: I'm also dependent on other people's opinions on what I should say, what I should do etc. Even in an academic setting- I feel compelled to run to professors for spoon-feeding. Yet every academic essay I've written on someone else's advice has been graded lower than those I've written by myself. So I don't NEED spoon-feeding. It's my mother's influence.

How did you work on building confidence in your own decisions, words, etc?
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Board Information & Questions / Re: Forgotten password
« Last post by xredshoesx on Today at 05:58:37 AM »
thank you for notifying the team- we can look into it.  please check for a communication from the mod/admin in your PMs.
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Hi Love,

In response to your post, I havenít tried anything like you have, but I found your post very helpful, inspirational even. Iím going to use the phrase, ďthe door to the relationship will always be open to them, but a great deal of change will be required to ever come through it, for example acknowledging DHís feelingsĒ.

It will be a great line to use with those flying monkeys - itís truthful, it gets to the heart of the matter and also fairly difficult to twist, although Iím already imagining how it will be twisted by nMiL (Why are you asking me to change?). It also leaves the ball in her court. Iím under no illusions that itíll work though.
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My nonpd partner who up till now has been wholly supportive of me is now turning on me.

He has been fielding the daily slew of phone calls and hoovering from my narc parents since I went NC.

I told him that he didn't need to do that. I didn't say "don't" do that as instinctively I knew this would make
him angry.

As all the contact from them range from fake concern to the bizarre..Asking about where they can buy
stuff they already have in their cupboards???

He is starting to feel the pressure and he thinks I am unreasonable.
He says answering phone calls is a courtesy. I say it is obligation and guilt.

When I mentioned the word "boundaries" to him, he just hit the roof.

I don't know what to do. These phone calls that he seems to think are innocuous are actually driving a
huge wedge between us.

I can't afford to process things too deeply right now, this is meant to be some calm time out for me.
If I think too much of the implications of my partner taking my family's side (which he has promised not
to do) I worry I'll have a breakdown.

In a couple of days I'll be staying with some friends for a while. Friends, I might add who believe me and
are on my side.

Until then I am not sure what to do. This is moving faster than I expected and not in the direction I had hoped.

Hi Babit,

I understand the situation. Your partner does not. He had a decent family and is deeply convinced that that is how families are. Which is reasonable. I thought that other families were like that and mine was the only one where it did not work.

I suggest that you tell him to come here. To present what is happening to us for our collective judgement. My name here is Bricky, that is for bricklayer. I am a 220lbs/100kg builder. I don't do political correct and and happy to upset people by telling them the truth.

My judgement might be that you are in the wrong and your parents are in the right. I doubt it, but then statistically the idea that all of us here are the victims of mad parents and none of us is the mad one must be wrong, surely?

So you and he can post here and get an outsider's perspective, in fact many outsider's perspectives. That will take the pressure off him to be making all the judgements in this and allow others to explain what is happening and that, yes, some parents are that mad and cruel.

Good luck.
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Hello all,

I don't know why I'm writing this, I guess to rant.. I'm just feeling guilty and kind of hate myself for doing what I did and the way I did it, the break up that is and I guess by extension the going NC...

Late September last year I made this post- outlining my situation and the behaviours exhibited by my now-ex girlfriend.

tl;dr Lived with ex for 5 years, moved my stuff out without her knowing and left after she got home from work...

I tried to remain in contact with her and remain friends and this lasted until mid - January. I've since gone no contact and haven't spoken to her in just over a month now. The reason for NC was just toxic conversations via text, one minute we'd be talking about normal things then she randomly sent me "I cut to relieve the pain". Claiming that was accidentally sent to me. I know better than this and knew it was an attempt at manipulation.

The morning I broke up with her I knew I was going to do it that day. When I left for work I kissed her on the forehead knowing that would be the last time, in hindsight that was a very selfish thing for me to do...

And now after reading more on the subject of BPD I feel I may not have tried as hard as I should have to facilitate and help her with her issues. Looking back on our relationship she did adore me at times and I feel so terribly guilty that someone she trusted and invested so much emotion into could just cut the cord and leave her without any prior warning. I guess there were signs but I never explicitely said. I broached the idea of a break with her, though she said it's "all or nothing".

I guess I was scared to approach her maturely and have a conversation about leaving because I know that A) I would've found it much harder to follow through with it and B) I had no idea what to expect regarding her behaviour once discovering the devastating news.

Her brother and I were good friends and I spoke to him recently. Apparently she's doing "good". Which to me means she's not overtly suicidal or doing anything reckless, which I'm happy to hear about. I hope that she can take from our relationship what I did and to use it as a learning opportunity. Sounds to me that she's well on the way to recovery (from our relationship at least). Which is great.

I know feeling guilty is a normal part of the process. But how do I get over this. When I told her I was leaving after she got home from work that day the look of panic in her eyes and sadness in her voice was soul crushing. I think I'll always feel the regret of hurting her the way I did. And will have to carry that with me. A small price to pay I suppose.

End rant.
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Common Behaviors / Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Last post by Upstream on Today at 04:02:38 AM »
Hey Redfish,
You are doing the right thing for her DD. Hang strong. Gather up your strength and spend your last day before going to court making sure all the loose ends are tied up. I'd call the therapist and make sure she followed through with that call. I'd check with the lawyer and make sure she has everything she needs. And then sit back and try to relax and gather up strength for tomorrow.
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