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Separating & Divorcing / Re: and here comes life....
« Last post by HopefulOne44 on Today at 10:23:20 PM »
Greetings, 2nice!

I've been following your story and just wanted to say that I am overjoyed to learn you got your new place!  Thank you for sharing the wonderful news with us as we are all rooting for you!💟


Your post and the optimism within it reminded me of one of my favorite quotes by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ~

"At the moment of commitment the entire universe conspires to assist you.Ē

The reason it is a favorite is because reading it years ago gave me hope...and then later I found it to be truth. 😊

Warm blessings on this new chapter in your life!

🌼 HopefulOne44
The Welcome Mat / Re: New here and want to share my story
« Last post by biggerfish on Today at 10:22:45 PM »
Welcome Littlestar! I was the golden child too. I was supposed to be friend, support, and accountant.
She drained me dry. I've been NC for over three years now. I still have guilt days but it's worth it. I'm so glad you're here.
It's time to be selfish. You will find what you need here.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Small update
« Last post by JollyJazz on Today at 10:12:32 PM »
Hi Mint!

Oh wow, that is great news!!

In the meantime, some good things have happened. My difficult writing client has agreed to pay their invoice after 3 months of back and forth. I canít wait to cash their check and be rid of them!
I also got another writing project this week from another client.
I started working for someone from home as a social media manager. I did work for them in the past and they are easygoing and happy with my previous work. Itís very part time but it will help!
I also started selling DDís old but good condition clothes online. Made a few sales already! It all adds up.

Fantastic! So glad that you've got all those sources of income! It definitely will add up! :) And good on you for keeping it all quiet. I think that is very important.

Yep, you will definitely get something as you keep going with the job search. It sounds like you've already gotten close with the interviews you've had so far.

Awesome Mint! It's also great that you are seeing what is happening with your PD H so clearly. 

It is great that you are empowering yourself more and more and building things up for yourself! Awesome work Mint!!!  :bighug:

The Welcome Mat / Re: Hello, I'm New Here
« Last post by Bloomie on Today at 10:07:44 PM »
Hi there and welcome! I am so glad you have reached out to this supportive community for help and yet so sorry things are difficult with your partner!

As you settle in the toolbox and personality disorder traits, found in the menus above are great places to begin reading. I also have found just looking through the glossary and reading the subjects that feel familiar to be a great help as well.

I look forward to seeing you out on the forum boards and to supporting you as you find healthy strategies and coping skills in dealing with the issues you are experiencing in your relationship with your PPD partner.

Again, welcome!
You have detached well so far, and I would continue to detach. You or your children worrying (instead of their grandmother facing reality) will not change the inevitable.

I would not get involved with her medical issues. That is your father's job. I wouldn't advise or attend. I certainly wouldn't allow her to accompany your family on strenuous activities (or any activities at all that don't involve strictly couch surfing) due to the very real possibility that she could have a serious medical emergency while out ignoring her condition and then conveniently turn it around and blame you. That happened to me and I wasn't even present.

I also wouldn't reschedule any events. Grandma can't attend? Skype her in. It's not fair that your children miss out because Grandma insists on being in the middle of everything. Sometimes we must gracefully bow out and understand that, due to circumstances, we can't be involved in or attend an event. PDs expect everything to just be rescheduled to suit them. My NM was hospitalized once over Christmas and expected us to postpone the entire holiday until after New Year despite us having small children. Uh, no.
The Welcome Mat / New here and want to share my story
« Last post by LittleStar on Today at 09:20:52 PM »
Hello all, I'm a newbie and I have been reading this forum for some support and inspiration.

I am a thirty-something woman trying to live her life without being in the shadow of her Narcissistic Mother.
All my life I never feel connected to my mother, never felt the bond that you're supposed to have between a mother and a daughter. Hugs and kisses were not common between her and I. And i thought that was it. Many years have passed...

One day after one ugly fight with mother, who started to drive me crazy from time to time in the recent years since I moved out, I decided to google why couldn't I have a normal relationship with mother, why I didn't like my own mother. And I figured out we had a toxic relationship, that she suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder... Everything I have read about this disorder matched with my mother.  And I just cried to this realization and everything made sense. Things that I thought were normal, weren't at all and I became aware of the emotional abuse I suffered all this years. I realized that I was the Golden Child, the good daughter, while my sister was the Scapegoat. That happened one year ago. Since then I tried to go Low Contact. My relationship with my mother was deteriorating and i just felt anger towards her. I could no longer stand her. I was already apathetic towards her in recent years and now I understood why. She just drained all my energy and I wasn't happy when I was with her.

Money was always an issue in my family. Mom always complained about it but since her 40's she didn't work. My dad was the only provider for the family and he struggled. So after high school I decided to start working. I had this gap year to work, not to travel... But then I realized I should go to college so I applied. I worked part-time throughout my college years and got subsidies. After finishing college, I also paid for my driver's licence and my first (second hand) car. I worked hard for what I had. Later on I found a proper job and every month I would send allowance to my parents. Like a good daughter...

I kept reading about this disorder from time to time. After finally accepting that my mother wouldn't change and that she wouldn't have the possibility to do so. After accepting that our relationship wouldn't go anywhere but to hurt me even more, I decided to go No Contact. For some weeks now. I also decided to cut the financial support. I need to save money for my future and I have a mortgage to pay. Am I being selfish, I wonder sometimes... But my parents never knew how to manage finances properly and never knew how to save. And I don't want to become like them. My sister also moved out. It's just dad and mom. I cannot longer be fulfilling my mother's needs and be responsible for her own happiness. I am very tired and sick of it all. There are days better than others but it is really hard. Specially when I have been the "good daughter" for so long. The guilt that was ingrained in me, I am learning to overcome that...

Thanks for taking the time to read. I guess I needed to let this out.
Not many people understand what is like to be an adult daughter of a narcissistic mother.
You're in the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle, and she's grooming you to abuse again.

If it were me, I would simply respond by repeating the boundary line of your email about the incessant texting. In addition, I would block her until about 9 pm at night, read whatever comes through and respond if you feel like it. If she complains about it, you have very limited time and you cannot respond to incessant texting. Not all texts require a response.

To questions regarding her pet, a good answer is, "That's a question for your vet." Questions such as "Did you move?" gets back "Why would you think that?"
I agree - 40andfab. I've seen it too often, but you are right that a professional is crossing a line when interjecting their own private life.

>> She claims to have "married into a narc family" where her husband, the "GC" deals with his mother regularly.

That's a specific example that I consider not ok for a therapist to discuss with a client.
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Frustrated (BPD and Illness, Part 2)
« Last post by Seven on Today at 08:07:39 PM »
Just curious, and you dont have to answer this, but what disease does she have exactly that she's been diagnosed with?

If your mother thinks she is grand, then that is her fantasty.  It is not your fantasy to own.  And of course she is grand...she is not dead.

I guarantee she is lying to you.  My own 87yo mother does this to me too.  Whatever makes her sleep at night, the practicing catholic she is.  Ive stopped caring.  I used to go to her appts with her.  No more.  Because she lies.  And it is well known with my siblings that she lies.  No one trusts what she says....medically or otherwise.

And no, you cannot postpone your own life.  My MIL tried this crap last week, making my M the FM, expecting us to drop everything and run to be by her side when she has this procedure scheduled out weeks in advance, and then carefully choosing her FM messenger literally less than 12 hours before her procedure.  Well, guess what...we had plans.  We went when it was convenient for us, even though we didnt even know what kind of procedure it was.  Ended up being an inpatient procedure.  If it had been an outpatient procedure and she had already been discharged, it would've been "oh well, we tried, she was gone" and then maybe a text that said "hope everything went well".

And DH will not make any attempt at contact again.  He did what he felt he needed to do to make himself feel better, and that was the end of it.

I have a very difficult time believing my MIL will recover well from this.  Recovery for someone WITHOUT COPD is a long road.  And she has so many other comorbid issues.

So save your FOC the headache of your mother.  Remind them and yourself she caused her own issues.  Go about your own life.  Do not penalize your kids for her issues.   It is not your problem if your parents are uninsured.  It is not your problem if your mother thinks she is fine.  Take her at her word and go about your life.  Dont reschedule any more bday parties.  Keep life as normal as possible with your FOC.  Work on the "my stuff/her stuff" thing in your head.  It is so important.

You have come such a long way.  Know that you have a lot of support here and we stand behind you.
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