practical, I'm so sorry. Your F is being horrible to you, and even though we are adults and we intellectually know that it's them, not us, and that it's not our fault, and all that other fun stuff, there's still the emotionally vulnerable part of us that just wants our parents to LOVE us, and treat us with love and kindness, to care about us and support us and protect us, to celebrate us on our birthdays, like parents are supposed to do. When they don't, it hurts. Even when we are grown and OOTF and understand about PDs and get that they are incapable of loving us the way a normal parent would, it still hurts. I get it.
My enStepmother did something similar to me on Easter. My kids and I went out of town for the weekend (first Easter we've ever done that, before we always stayed home and hosted Easter brunch and all that jazz, out of "obligation"). My stepmother had told me over and over that she didn't know if she'd be here for Easter, and I was like, fine, we're not going to be here anyway, it was her decision and her business and I didn't care where
she was on Easter, she could be in Timbuktu for all I cared. (I didn't tell her that, but it was how I felt. I also think she expected us to not make any Easter plans until she decided to let us know if she would be here, which is why she told me over and over that she wasn't sure where she would be, but I'm done with that kind of stuff. We will do what we want now, without waiting for her permission or feeling any guilt.)
Well, she ended up being here, and she dropped off a card at our home while we were gone. The card was addressed only to "Children", and inside it said (paraphrased) "Hi, Kids' Names, I miss you both and wish you a Happy Easter and I hope I get to see you both very soon." No mention of me, or my husband. I mean, how hard would it have been to write 'Happy Easter to Children, husband, and Terichan"? But no -- she sent the clear message that I don't matter to her, I'm nothing, she missed my CHILDREN and nobody else in my family, with a little dash of "I need to be provided with access to your children soon" tossed in for good measure.
And even though she is only my stepmother and, like you with your F, I pretty much don't give a toss what she thinks of me or how she feels about me, it still stung a little to see that card. She couldn't even write my name, even though I'm the person who's supposed to give her access to my kids, ASAP. Blah. It just sucks.
I'm sorry. But you're doing great and you've come so far Out of the FOG it's amazing. I do think that we will be sad about not having loving parents, probably for the rest of our lives, and we just have to accept that sadness as part of our lives. We may get it intellectually, but that emotional part will never totally go away. Especially when they are trying so hard to rub it in that we don't matter to them. It just sucks.
Happy Birthday, and I hope you enjoyed your cake!!