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Quote
Ironic, M always told me I was secretive.

My parents would say that about me and disparagingly so.  I guess it's one way to get someone to disclose more information.  My parents always liked telling people what I was doing and now I think that was their way of telling people how much money my parents were spending.  Oh, she's goin to Europe with her class this summer.  She's going to camp and so on.  I thought it was intersting that if I posed the same question to other people "What are you doing / did this summer."  I would get that knowing smile and no answer.

It took me a long time to be able to indentify that that upset me and there's nothing wrong with me when I choose the info that I want to disclose about myself.
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Committed to Working On It / Going Back to Therapy
« Last post by looloo on Today at 12:08:00 PM »
After yet another of Definitely ADHD/Probably NPD H's MOODS last night, I searched for a T this morning.  She seems to be able to discuss PD's, dysfunctional families, and ways of coping (however that might be).
It's been about a year and a half since I last saw a T, and last time, it was specifically to rehash my FOO experiences (dealing with Nmother and being her POA  was presenting specific challenges at that time).  I swear, I post on almost every board this forum has!  :stars: :bigwink:
I went to my new meetup group for the second time last evening, and it was such a nice breath of fresh air!  H had been acting up again and IMO, acting wonderfully to everyone BUT me.  I'd hear him on the phone being Mr. Charming, he'd be sending off thank-you letters to clients, buying little "just thinking of you" gifties for various people, and to me?  Pretty much ignoring and ST, along with a huge attitude of "You Can't Do Anything Right" and "Why Are You Even Here".  :(  I've gotten much better at MC, and at not getting nearly as upset and sucked into his b.s., but I'm getting sick of it.  Sick of how his moods and anger appear more and more often, how they're seemingly getting worse, how he thinks being this way is just fine (for HIM, of course; if I were to do it?  Lol!  Yeah, RIGHT...).  I was at the meetup for a few hours, and wondered how he'd be when I returned -- you never know.  He could be just fine, or he could be worse. 
He was worse.  Even though I didn't engage, the process of NOT engaging is its own kind of exhausting and stressful, and I'm getting fed up.  I wondered this morning if maybe I'd turned a corner emotionally, similar to the way I vaguely remember feeling about 18 years ago, when I realized that my previous marriage was a failure and there was nothing I could do to improve it.  If I recall correctly, it took me approximately 5 years from having that feeling to actually ending the marriage, so who knows what the future holds for me in my current one.  I'm long past trying to discuss or communicate these important issues with him--there is NO point, and to be very honest, the idea of angering him further frightens me.  I feel like staying MC and figuring out the "safest" way to cope, rather than what society or the psych world thinks is the "healthiest" way, is best for me now.   
Anyway, my appointment is for next week, and I'm keeping it off of our shared calendar.  I don't have any desire, much less a sense of obligation, to mention this to him.  I'm at that point where I just want to live my life with a basic sense of calm and emotional safety.

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Hello,
This is an emotionally difficult time, I am in it too. It does not help that she is probably being super sweet and the girl you thought you loved right now.
Even though you know it's going to pass, and the crazy girl will appear again, you have hope. Maybe she will be the one that "realizes" that you are too important to lose, and change. It's not going to happen, not long term anyway, then you will feel more regret to not have trusted your gut. Keep busy, and minimally avalible. You need to heal YOU.
I have been married almost 10 years, going thru the same pain, as i left him, even though I needed to for my own mental health.

How did I last so long? I made alot of excuses for the bad stuff, even pushed out of my mind that it happened, because I was so desperate for any bone of affection from him.

An even harder realization, was that I have my own arrogant belief that I was strong enough to handle him, that I could love it out of him, that I just had to be patient through all the storms.
What I became in actuality, was a vessel for ALL of his pain, rage, fear, and the one person HE had complete control of, which was reassuring to him, and mentally and emotionally destroying me. I almost had a nervous breakdown.
We will prob. Have a sad, amicable divorce. I will take responsibility on the surface for it, because he is not accountable-ever. I will move on and continue to improve myself, so it does not happen again.
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Answer me NOW!
« Last post by Whiteheron on Today at 11:38:39 AM »
:yeahthat:
A lot of their behavior comes down to power, control, and entitlement.

“I deserve” an immediate response (and to hear what I want to hear) is my exH’s mentality. Even after divorce, he wants to exert that control in any way possible.

 :yeahthat:
Divorce isn't yet final, but seriously. I wish he would focus more on controlling his gf and leave me alone!
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: KEEP A JOURNAL!
« Last post by openskyblue on Today at 11:34:35 AM »
 :yeahthat:

I started keeping a journal about 5 years ago, and I can't tell you the number of times I've caught myself in the FOG or heading into it. I think if you've been married to a big gaslighter (and were a codependent caretaker, as I was), slipping into "amnesia" can be all too easy.

Sometimes, I just go into my closet (where I keep my journals in a big box), pull one out from the past, and read entries. It's a good way to keep my feet on the ground, remind myself of how far I've come, and confirm to myself that the stuff I've gone through was really that bad.

Sounds like some ex love-bombing is happening. I'm guessing that the true colors will start to show in 3...2...1...
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: An interesting phone call.
« Last post by D.Dan on Today at 11:34:20 AM »
Go for it!  :thumbup:
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: An interesting phone call.
« Last post by slugsandsnails on Today at 11:30:18 AM »
Just looked them up. I'd say go for it. You don't have to tell them much, just find out what support they might be able to offer.

Looks like a lovely charity 😊

Thanks, Sun! It certainly can't hurt to ask!  :)
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: An interesting phone call.
« Last post by slugsandsnails on Today at 11:29:45 AM »
I say go for it!  If help is available, I'd see what they could do.  Divine intervention from the universe......

Thanks, bohemian butterfly - I will find out more! It could be just what I need - no harm in asking!
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Was Your PD Unable to Sit Still?
« Last post by csem on Today at 11:28:26 AM »
Both my BPDx and my uNPDx could not sit silently somewhere and just do their stuff. It was minor things in the beginning, like constantly shaking their feet. Later I noticed both felt the urge to "do something" or "play with something". Whenever we were sitting down to talk about something, making plans or whatever setting that requires focus and attention, they couldn't keep their focus. Playing with pens, the phone, checking messages, so a meaningful and distraction-free conversation even for 5min was not possible.

The uNPDx had even some more issues; when sitting on my lap, she constantly had to pinch me, squeeze something, pull the collar of my shirt, unbuttoning something or grabbing between my legs even in totally inappropriate situations.

What both had in common is this unstable, restless jumpiness to "do something". I noticed it with my BPDx of 4.5 years and saw it again in my uNPDx. When noticing the second time, I immediately got the feeling that something is not right here. Now, as I better understand how to read the warnings, this jumpiness definitely is a red flag for me.
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