For years I ignored my wifeís anger whenever she threw a tantrum. They were usually short lived and then she would act like everything was fine. At first, I would react to her anger, but she would quickly ďget over itĒ and could not understand why I couldnít do the same. Then she would tell me that I was overreacting because I was still angry and hadnít ďlet it go.Ē So I just started ignoring her when she started slamming doors and things like that, telling myself that it wouldnít last long. But I wasnít really just ignoring her, I was really holding in my feelings. Her behavior still bothered me, but I was keeping it to myself rather than start a bigger argument and engaging her. I actually used to think that my reacting to her behavior was starting the argument when in fact she started it by having a tantrum in the first place. And yes, that gets to you after a while. It slowly builds into resentment.
For me, I recently came to the realization that I donít want to spend the rest of my life living like this, always wondering when sheíll get angry or say something hurtful to the kids. Iíve realized that unless she changes drastically and goes into therapy, which she probably wonít do because she thinks everyone else has a problem except her, our marriage probably wonít survive. Iíd like to think sheíll change and things will work out, but I really doubt it.
But coming to that realization has actually helped me a great deal. My situation hasnít changed yet, but just accepting that I would be happier without her has given me the freedom to enjoy my own life. I still ignore her tantrums, but not because I want to avoid a bigger fight. Now I ignore her because I know itís pointless to try to argue with a PD person at a time like this and Iím choosing not to engage her. Iíll say what I have to say to let her know that her behavior is unacceptable, but then I just walk away. I honestly donít care anymore if she is angry. Thatís her problem, not mine. Iím able to continue being truly happy while she rages on in the other room. I mostly focus on the kids to make sure that they understand how unacceptable her behavior is. As I said though, for me, it was only after accepting the reality of our probable divorce that let me relax and feel good about myself again.
Good luck and stay strong. And keep reading this forum, it helps.