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Separating & Divorcing / Re: My teen son doesnīt want to go with me
« Last post by October99 on Today at 09:29:14 AM »
My son is the GC as treated by uPDH. I have been staying for years because of his dependence on his dad for so much validation, but his dad is also the one that is quick to criticize and make him feel awful. I just want to have a space where that doesn't happen. I am scared that if time marches on it will be exactly like you are experiencing. ((Hugs)) I would feel the same way. I cannot leave my kids behind, but if uPDH will be level headed w the kids I will let them spend time and be super accommodating. I just need myself removed. I hope things work out for you and you are strong enough to break free and let your son find his way through with your guidance.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Run back to mommy and daddy
« Last post by Kit99 on Today at 09:24:06 AM »
LF- I can completely understand why you would be afraid! My exH didn't physically harm me but he was emotionally and verbally abusive, destroyed some of my things in anger/to punish me, and he threatened suicide on several occasions. Those things along with his limited ability to manage his emotions in a healthy way also makes me fearful at times because I don't know what else he is capable of.

They don't realize and/or care about the collateral damage that they create. It's heartbreaking and very hard not to be angry.
For years I ignored my wifeís anger whenever she threw a tantrum. They were usually short lived and then she would act like everything was fine. At first, I would react to her anger, but she would quickly ďget over itĒ and could not understand why I couldnít do the same. Then she would tell me that I was overreacting because I was still angry and hadnít ďlet it go.Ē So I just started ignoring her when she started slamming doors and things like that, telling myself that it wouldnít last long. But I wasnít really just ignoring her, I was really holding in my feelings. Her behavior still bothered me, but I was keeping it to myself rather than start a bigger argument and engaging her. I actually used to think that my reacting to her behavior was starting the argument when in fact she started it by having a tantrum in the first place. And yes, that gets to you after a while. It slowly builds into resentment.

For me, I recently came to the realization that I donít want to spend the rest of my life living like this, always wondering when sheíll get angry or say something hurtful to the kids. Iíve realized that unless she changes drastically and goes into therapy, which she probably wonít do because she thinks everyone else has a problem except her, our marriage probably wonít survive. Iíd like to think sheíll change and things will work out, but I really doubt it.

But coming to that realization has actually helped me a great deal. My situation hasnít changed yet, but just accepting that I would be happier without her has given me the freedom to enjoy my own life. I still ignore her tantrums, but not because I want to avoid a bigger fight. Now I ignore her because I know itís pointless to try to argue with a PD person at a time like this and Iím choosing not to engage her. Iíll say what I have to say to let her know that her behavior is unacceptable, but then I just walk away. I honestly donít care anymore if she is angry. Thatís her problem, not mine. Iím able to continue being truly happy while she rages on in the other room. I mostly focus on the kids to make sure that they understand how unacceptable her behavior is. As I said though, for me, it was only after accepting the reality of our probable divorce that let me relax and feel good about myself again.

Good luck and stay strong. And keep reading this forum, it helps.
I've read some interesting quotes lately on healthy hope.  Here's a recent read from a Christian standpoint.

I think the other thing to keep in mind is what the word meant at the time of the original writing and in the context of the time rather than what a word means in 21st century.

It is kind of jarring when you see the healthy reaction of your friends and the dysfunctional reaction of your F side by side. It is made even more painful because the dysfunction is what you had all your life. He is throwing a temper tantrum and has feelings of being abandoned, entitled or something, that is his circus and his monkeys, don't let him make them yours. I have reached the point with F where my response is "If you cannot have civil conversation at the moment, then I'll talk to you another day again."

I'm really sorry you had another moment of proof how totally unseen you are by your F. About guilt-tripping you with regard to seeing your M, that is simply passive-aggressive, and none of us likes to visit a person, a house where we are treated as objects. If he wants to see more of you, he has to make it a warm, welcoming place, unfortunately we both know it won't happen. As you say yourself, try to refocus on your own life while not ignoring the pain this has caused :bighug:
Sounds like she's dangling the proverbial carrot so she doesn't have to put effort, or funds, into obtaining custody.  Tugging on your heart strings so to speak.  If you give in to this, then the custody order will become just that, an ORDER you have to comply with. 

My opinion going through the courts is, get as much custody as you can RIGHT NOW.    Then you know your children are protected and you're not in an uphill battle trying to obtain more down the road.

Dear Samuel-- You've talked about your tutoring and outside activities.  I know they bring you much joy.  I, too, feel terribly under appreciated and ignored in meaningful ways.  However, I also finally reached that place where I really-- deep down really-- understand that it's up to me. It's up to me to cultivate new and old friendships.  It's up to me to find meaningful work.  It's up to me to create my life.  If he wants to join it, great.  If not, I'll be spending my time and energy focused elsewhere.

And you know the best part, Samuel?  It is working... I am feeling better and more hopeful.  I am wishing the same for you, and know that so many of us really do understand how hard it is to greet this sort of thing every morning. 

Sending all the best to you!
"I'm still your mother" is the pd-disordered parent's "Get Out of Jail Free" Card for deflecting responsibility for their bad behavior and for shirking all accountability for their inappropriate expectations and demands.
The NPD parent thinks their every demand and expectation must be met, no matter the inconvenience, or even genuine problems caused by doing so.  For instance, my NBM scheduled her birthday dinner for a Sunday winter-afternoon, the same day that oldest DS and I were to drive 6 hours to attend a college open-house.  She was unwilling to change time or date.  I faced consequences of attending mandatory party, leaving at 4 pm (long face on NBM) and driving into both setting sun (blinding) and night-time driving (I've poor night vision).  Now, fully OOTF and NC, I recognize the ridiculousness of that demand, that callous disregard for our well-being, and that pervasive "what mom wants, mom gets" mode.  That drive was scary.  We arrived in an unfamiliar rural town closed-up for night, hurried into our motel, and made-do with vending machine.

Plain and simple, really.  The governing consideration is whatever our parents set in their minds as what must happen.  If we hadn't attended that afternoon birthday dinner, hell would be paid.  You don't visit your parents due to stormy weather, so dad is mad.
Religious & Spiritual Discussion / Link to video
« Last post by momnthefog on Today at 08:54:16 AM »

I stumbled across this....primarily focused on narc in the church system.  Very easily a narc can fit the "language" of Christianity.

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