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Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: What should I do?
« Last post by HotCocoa on Today at 06:27:55 AM »
U/npd exH has now informed me that because I didn't respond to his email by his deadline, the usual arrangement is happening and ds will not be attending the activity. He says he has informed the school.
He put in false deadlines and changed the rules he now wants you to abide by.  This is his pd talking.  If it were me, I would state his false deadlines are his alone and you will stick to what you originally talked about. 

Should I bother responding?
Yes, absolutely

Ds doesn't want to talk about it with me so I'm not sure if he cares or not.  Some days he was looking forward to it, some days he was not fussed.  I would not talk with son about it further, you do what you feel is best as his mother.  He may care, but doesn't want to upset his father, such is the case with children of pd's.

Should I contact the school?  Yes, if you want your son to attend the event. I doubt that u/npd exH would have told them the true reason for ds' s absence. He's too smart for that.  He knows he'd look bad if the truth were known. If he's said anything other than "something has come up", it would have been a spin to make me look bad.  Don't play into that, just let them know he will be attending and you can let teachers know your ex is not supportive of his son going to school there. 

Part of the court orders say that if a change to the changeover arrangements is required it can be requested no later than 48 hours before. We still have 4 days to come to an agreement before this cutoff time.  But u/npd exH has already decided. And is not likely to budge.  So what if he budges or not, follow the orders and let him know since you previously talked about it, and you have it in writing, you will be following the orders by taking son to event and picking him up 4 hours later on xx day.  You have proof of what was stated.

He has for a number of years given me deadlines to respond to his emails. A few of them are understandable but most of them have no valid reason.   His reasons are his alone, you don't have to follow his reasons.  That is why divorce is wonderful sometimes, you don't have to be in the fog with him.

I told him a few years ago that unless he gave me a valid reason for each deadline, they would be ignored and I would reply when I was ready and able. That may be before or after the deadline.   Yep, stick with that, I would start ignoring any false deadline he puts in place and only follow the court order.

He keeps setting them but I'm now at the point where I don't even notice the deadlines he demands. As a result, I missed this latest one. I would have ignored it anyway as I was waiting for ds to return to me before I replied. It's a rule I apply to myself as I don't want ds to witness any of his Dad's rages.  It sounds like you didn't miss anything, he just wants to mix things up so your son can't attend an event that is important to both you and your son.  As far as your son witnessing any rages?  You can't control the ex, if he rages, it is on him.

Should I keep fighting to enable ds to attend the activity?  I would, good luck.

AOD
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Ok, deep breath
« Last post by Associate of Daniel on Today at 06:07:02 AM »
Welcome, Qilin!

I felt the same - and like Practical, this is the only online communication I'm involved in apart from email.

But I'm so glad I'm here.

One thing that took me a little while to get used to is that it often takes a while for anyone to respond to my posts. But I worked out that it is largely because many of the other members are on the other side of the world from where I am. I'm not in the U.S.A.. So when I post, most members are sleeping.

But usually someone does respond.

Anyway.   Welcome.  And do please take another breath and tell us a little about yourself.

AOD
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U/npd exH has now informed me that because I didn't respond to his email by his deadline, the usual arrangement is happening and ds will not be attending the activity. He says he has informed the school.

Should I bother responding?

Ds doesn't want to talk about it with me so I'm not sure if he cares or not.  Some days he was looking forward to it, some days he was not fussed.

Should I contact the school?  I doubt that u/npd exH would have told them the true reason for ds' s absence. He's too smart for that.  He knows he'd look bad if the truth were known. If he's said anything other than "something has come up", it would have been a spin to make me look bad.

Part of the court orders say that if a change to the changeover arrangements is required it can be requested no later than 48 hours before. We still have 4 days to come to an agreement before this cutoff time.  But u/npd exH has already decided. And is not likely to budge.

He has for a number of years given me deadlines to respond to his emails. A few of them are understandable but most of them have no valid reason.

I told him a few years ago that unless he gave me a valid reason for each deadline, they would be ignored and I would reply when I was ready and able. That may be before or after the deadline.

He keeps setting them but I'm now at the point where I don't even notice the deadlines he demands. As a result, I missed this latest one. I would have ignored it anyway as I was waiting for ds to return to me before I replied. It's a rule I apply to myself as I don't want ds to witness any of his Dad's rages.

Should I keep fighting to enable ds to attend the activity?

AOD
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Ok, deep breath
« Last post by practical on Today at 04:49:50 AM »
You are not alone. I had never been on a forum, am not on FB, twitter, Instagram or the like, so this was huge step for me. I'm happy I took it, as becoming part of this community has changed my life for the better. People here are caring and supportive, it is like a virtual fellowship. I'm looking forward to reading more of your story whenever you are ready.
:bighug:
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Just shut up and stay invisible
« Last post by practical on Today at 04:45:02 AM »
No wonder this triggered you, being unseen by whomever is a big trigger for me too. Hope you can regain your equilibrium soon.

It baffles me how NPDs can want children & yet will go to such lengths to create these emotionally cold and aloof relationships where they can't connect with you, and you are unseen and unheard unless you're saying or being something that makes them feel warm and fuzzy.
Did they really want children? Or did they want an animated doll that would make them feel warm and fuzzy when needed, do stuff for them and otherwise they could forget it in a corner? A doll doesn't have an independent mind and it also doesn't have feelings of its own. I know my parents had pigeon holed B and me early on and anything that fell outside of it wasn't okay. This reached from only a sunny version of Practical was allowed, to professional choices. Like you, my depression, my PTSD, physical repercussions from these were not allowed to exist, but so was so much else of who I am not. I just wasn't allowed to exist as an individual, but only as a projection surface and fulfiller of needs.

I can very much see how this triggered you. Maybe your friend wanted a simple answer that would explain it all away and made sure she wouldn't have to feel like she could have done something. She might have looked to you for making her feel all better, instead you showed her reality, something she didn't want. IF she goes back to your times with FOO, she may also show similar characteristics simply because you may have picked friends similar to FOO at the time as that was your "normal". A disillusioning and painful experience.
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Did your PD parent have friends?
« Last post by UKannie on Today at 04:27:14 AM »
My mother takes no interest in her 'friends' lives and expects them to be very interested in hers. She lacks basic conversational skills. If someone says they're going camping in France she will not ask them whereabouts, or how they're getting there, She will move the conversation back to her own travel plans. Similarly someone will say their son is about to graduate and she will not ask what they studied or where or what they hope to do next - she will brag about my qualifications (because of this lack of curiousity she has become rather ignorant and her general knowledge is poor; this perpetuates the conversational problem).

If she doesn't hear from someone for a while, rather then checking in on them to see if they're OK, she becomes very offended and wounded and 'let down'. She resents their other commitments, especially if they have a career (another thing she never asks about is people's jobs). She also expects people to take the initiative and arrange to visit her or call in spontaneously if they happen to be passing. I have watched numerous 'friendships' break down because people tire of her self-centredness. Her mantra is "people always let you down". It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: Do my inlaws have pd?
« Last post by mayaberry on Today at 03:43:02 AM »
Your post brought back some memories I had totally forgotten about! H and I have been together for fourteen years but I'd forgotten that in the very beginning they treated me differently to him. The sackful of Xmas presents you mentioned is so true! I remembered that the first couple of years I was literally given a sackful of presents and H was given a token gift. I also remembered how great I thought it was that they were such a close family, they had lunch together every Sunday etc. My family never did that and I had just moved hundreds of miles from them so it felt nice to be included in a new family...
Then my eyes were opened. It became clear the family were enmeshed and the lunch was about control, it wasn't an optional event. As soon as my work started preventing me going, that was it. I was cast out. As soon as I wasn't seen to be spending enough time with them all, my card was marked.
I recognise so many things in your post. You've had some great advice. All I can say is that my H accepted the way they were and expected me to put up with it until I made him start dealing with them himself and he could see how awkward it was. When he couldn't hide behind me, suddenly he didn't want to deal with them. There are still issues, I'm still expected to entertain her on a visit but it's changed a lot just by me putting in boundaries for myself and reminding him they are his family not mine, which means I don't deal with her on the phone, fb, Skype nothing. Good luck!
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Dealing with PD Parents / Just shut up and stay invisible
« Last post by sandpiper on Today at 03:31:30 AM »
I've been triggered by a friend recently - wanting to know why another friend of ours committed suicide and then she goes completely silent when I say anything that she doesn't like to hear. It's email contact so it's very easy for her to just not respond to an email and to selectively just respond with the Enid Blyton 'life is great and we all drank lemonade' kind of thing.
I think one of the main reasons we lost our young one is because nobody was ever willing to acknowledge her PTSD.
It's why I went dark with my family.
It was stay, and be invisible and deal with that kind of response, where you can only be there with them if you don't talk about anything uncomfortable and they never have to actually look at you and see what kind of pain you're in.
It just reminded me that this is how I grew up.
This was my mother's family.
Anytime I said something they didn't want to see or hear, there was this stark message of 'We didn't hear that, we didn't see that, and you are invisible to us until you snap out of that nonsense and behave the way we want you to behave.'
My sisters were the same - they refused to acknowledge my PTSD diagnosis & to keep up any kind of relationship with them, I had to pretend I'd never shared that with them & it was all just BS I'd made up to irritate them one particularly bad day.
I'm finding it boggling because friend has been utterly confused as to why there was this suicide but she's willing to unleash the same 'Shut up and be invisible' crap on me that my family pulled.
Another reminder why I distanced myself from that friendship, years ago.
Anyway, I've posted it here, rather than in the 'friends' section, because the bottom line is that t's a trigger about my mother's family & while my friend may have inadvertently pushed that button, the wiring goes back to childhood, and my mother, and her parents.
It baffles me how NPDs can want children & yet will go to such lengths to create these emotionally cold and aloof relationships where they can't connect with you, and you are unseen and unheard unless you're saying or being something that makes them feel warm and fuzzy.
It just seems so two-dimensional, to me.
Some days I just don't understand how people can exist on that level. It's like they've just completely disconnected from the experience of being human.
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Yep I had this as well, it was only when I told my Npdm that the school bully had said something disparaging relating to her own appearance that she launched into furious action with the school!
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Did your PD parent have friends?
« Last post by Serendipity12 on Today at 02:57:31 AM »
No friends that she wouldn't disparage mercilessly behind their backs.  Strangely these friendships never seemed to last long.  I also noticed that she would talk about other people as though she was very close when actually they weren't.  Once I remember seeing a Christmas card from an 'old friend' that Npdm talked about with great familiarity (probably because they were quite well to do and high status) and I was surprised to see that it was a brief, formal signed card, nothing like what you would get from a close friend.
Looks like she missed the point of friendship her whole life.
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