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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: What would you do?
« Last post by Libby 12 on Today at 02:25:19 AM »
Hi. When I was getting near to going NC I gave up phoning PD parents regularly.  Eventually EF would call and bark that they thought we must all be dead. Is this an example of passive aggressive? 
DfromC:  my DD also got very similar guilt-inducing treatment about contact with GPs when she was about to leave for college so also went NC.  The entitlement is astounding.  I'm sure most of us would prefer occasional but genuine communication to regular guilt-based contact.  But not these parents.
I don't think you are over reacting at all. Seeing how typical this behaviour is I would just not respond and certainly keep DD out of it.  Children don't need the stress when they dealing with own lives.
Keep strong,  Libby.
The first msg did not read as 'nice' to me. It seems guilt trippy about him not seeing his grandson. Also the fact that you made 2 clear requests and were just plain ignored is enough to trigger you. There's something passive aggressive and controlling about his messages: he has guilt tripped you, is implying a need to punish you, and is ignoring your your feelings. PDs are masters of appearing to write 'nice' things that leave us confused and panicky...that's because the 'nice' messages are loaded with subliminal %$& about control, power, blame and guilt.
The Welcome Mat / Re: Hi there and Wow
« Last post by EaglePair111 on Today at 01:56:03 AM »
Thank you for your suggestion and welcome :) I sure will check that out.

On top of it, LOL, thanks... it doesn't feel that way.... More like shocked and wanting it to stop. Never been so put down or *triangulated*. I worked at an involuntary mental institution and it was much, much more pleasant than dealing with her. At least I could wipe the cocoa off my head.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Need some advice
« Last post by SonofThunder on Today at 01:38:20 AM »

In my head I had just decided that as much as it was going to suck, her walking away was something I was going to accept.  I'd fight for the kids, but if she felt like she needed to leave her family (over somebody calling her a liar)  it would be for the best for everybody.

So when I came in to get lunch she attacked.  I had completely had enough of this, so I told her exactly what everybody here had suggested.  I had rehearsed it over in my head thousands of times over the last few days.  Amazingly (not to discredit experience, but I was spectacle that my situation would end well), she completely backed down.  I was shocked.  It feels so liberating to actually speak my mind.  I've basically been "living in fear" for the past several years that she would leave.

I cannot thank everybody here at OoTF enough for the advice, support, and prayers, that gave me the strength to do what I needed to to make my life better for ME. 

I know that today is not the end of dealing with NPD but its a MAJOR step in the right direction.  I look forward to being a part of this community and offering support as well as receiving some I will no doubt need in the future.

THANK YOU!  and hopefully I wont need to post an end of my world story tomorrow.......
:applause: :thumbup: :like:
Committed to Working On It / Re: Boundary List
« Last post by SonofThunder on Today at 01:34:01 AM »
I was also hoping with this post, to have other members list a boundary/boundaries they have set/will set for themselves and posssibly how the set boundaries are working, or if not working, discuss how they could be fine tuned for effectiveness.  As Coyote said, boundaries are only as effective as the boundary setter is willing to follow through on his/her actions completely, every time.   

I personally feel that setting and following through on a very first boundary (to success!!) is very energizing for the setter and will encourage additional, and necessary boundaries to be effectively set.  The first one is very tough to do and will be very anxiety filling for us non's because of the unknown reaction of the PD, but it's this unknown that keeps us non's paralyzed and in control by the PD, and the first successful boundary will be a good indicator of PD's reactions to future boundaries as well. 

In dealing with some PD's though, one of the alternative actions of a boundary that may need to be stated/utilized is that if the first action you take in enacting a particular boundary is not respected, a secondary action may be needed.  For an example the first boundary  action could be "when voices are raised I will be retreating to my bedroom and locking the door". But if PD continues to harass, then the secondary action would be "if the harrassment does not stop when I retreat to my room, the police will be called to insure my privacy is respected". 

*I also believe that the non's effective boundaries are also beneficial for the PD as well in the long term, as possible reduced episodes of 'crazy' are beneficial in many ways, for everyone.   

Ok so I started this thread with three of mine.  Here's a fourth.

My uNPDw has been purposefully late to ALL my planned events in the past, but will be on time to her own events.  She knows this aggravates me tremendously and she uses it to try and assert her control over my timeliness and gets a kick out of being able to control.  She once told me "it's better for me to be late and look my best than on time and look average". For one, its conceited and two, she said it seriously, like trying to look great is a good excuse to be late, vs simply planning enough time in advance to prepare for looking her best.  She also claims she is a poor 'time manager' but doesn't understand I know better because she is on time to her own events.  And so, here is what I will say to her (and follow it by a recap email)

4. "I am uncomfortable and embarrassed to be late to planned events, as we have in the past.  From here forward, I am going to arrive to every event no later than 10 minutes in advance of the start of the event.  I will be using the Google Maps app to determine drive times, and I will be leaving at the proper time to arrive 10 minutes in advance.  If you are ready at the time I am leaving, I would love for you to go with me, but if you are not ready, i will drive on my own and save a seat next to me for you.  If I decide that a particular event is not something I want to attend, i will not be going and will give you an advanced notice that I'm not going, so you can decide what you will do". 

If you feel inclined, please list a necessary boundary of your own, and state what was told to the PD and let us know if it's been effective or not. 
Welcome! It can't be easy to get clarity in such a confusing situation. What I have learned over the years is by keeping secrets I allow the PD in my life to triangulate, divide and rule so to say, and thus assist in creating more dissent. On the other side, if you tell your cousin the truth as you see it, she might decide to take your mother's side and not believe you. Either way, you decide how you want to live your life - trapped in a web of misunderstandings and half truths or finding your own clarity.
When you mother picks up on your feeling have you tried telling her "I am really irritated, but there is nothing you can do to make it better." and leave it at that?
Also, since your mother has changed so much, have you tried discussing your childhood with her and how she treated you? Would that be possible for you?
The Welcome Mat / Re: Hi there and Wow
« Last post by notrightinthehead on Today at 01:09:15 AM »
Welcome! You seem to be on top of it. This is a very supportive community. You might want to check out the Co-parenting forum.
The Welcome Mat / Re: Entering the Dialogue
« Last post by notrightinthehead on Today at 01:04:27 AM »
Welcome! This is a great site with lots of information and support. You might want to check out the TOOLBOX.
Welcome! This is a great book your daughter got you and it helped me a lot. Check out the TOOLBOX here too, you might find some useful strategies.
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