Recent posts
#11
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Is every discussion of the...
Last post by sunshine702 - Yesterday at 08:49:02 PM #12
Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Bereaved uNPD friend
Last post by Kaz1956 - Yesterday at 07:08:16 PMI have a friend who lost his husband suddenly 9 months ago. He's always been difficult, exhibiting many uNPD traits and his husband was lovely but the classic enabler. The husband filtered and protected us from most of our friends behaviours but get together always meant everyone was on eggshells around him to varying degrees. I guess we allowed a lot as we overall enjoyed our group dynamic.
Since the husband's death, our friend has leaned on us and me in particular heavily. He calls over the smallest thing such as his leg hurts, texts multiple times most days, and has visited a lot, staying several nights each time. He's relentlessly negative about everything and talks about himself nonstop, not a new trait but it is exhausting to be around.
We are compassionate about his situation and grief but what's becoming apparent is that we are not now being protected by the deceased partners enabling and are getting the full blast of his uNPD traits. It reached a point a month ago where we both felt boundaries needed to be placed with him. As I had a planned catch up with him it fell to me.
I planned ahead what I felt needed to be said and clearly but kindly explained that we were exhausted and feeling mentally impacted by the degree of support he was demanding of us and his relentless negativity. I gave him examples and explained that we care for him and wanted him to build a new life but that we couldn't continue as things were. He asked what we wanted and I explained that we felt overly enmeshed in his life and would appreciate some space and not being drawn into things that didn't concern us. Examples were disputes with other people, wrangles with his insurers, general gripes and complaining.
He responded well at the time. He agreed readily that he could see he'd been overloading us and me especially. He said he was changing and becoming a nicer and more patient person and he couldn't believe I hadn't noticed the changes. I said that it was positive that he was going in that direction but so far we had not seen that version of him. The chat ended amicably with him saying it had been good to clear the air.
I felt a huge sense of relief that the boundaries had been reset and that it had gone well. I was also relieved to have some distance from him and his incessant demands on my time and energy.
As the weeks since have gone by he's since not called or texted once. He will respond to messages but will not initiate contact. My husband and I have taken turns to call and check in every week. With my husband he is warm and chatty but with me he is cool and business like.
I felt that this was his issue and that in time he'd adjust however I'm not sure now. Yesterday my husband said that he felt we should invite him down for a night as it had been several months now since his last visit. I was OK with that as long as it was just one night.
My husband called to catch up and in the conversation extended the invitation. Our friend then said that he believed that I didn't want him to visit any longer. My husband said that wasn't true and that we had discussed inviting him and had both agreed.
I'm sensing triangulation here which is triggering for me having had both parents uNPD and three siblings. I was the family scapegoat and can feel that I'm developing anxiety from anticipating the worst. I know how things can cascade badly with an uNPD who feels slighted or rejected. Neither occurred but victim mentality means he now seems to have filtered the chat after the event. I'm concerned about wider repercussions ie scapegoating, propaganda campaigns, playing the victim, black and white thinking and more.
It would be natural with almost anyone else to quietly let the distance open up with this friend but it's complicated by several things. He is also my husband's cousin and we have longstanding plans for an overseas trip laster this year with other mutual friends.
My husband says that we should just act normally and that it's up to him to adjust to the new boundaries. I'm torn as to whether my husband should have his own boundaries chat along the lines of supporting that the first chat was representing us both and that he doesn't want to see blaming or scapegoating directed at me.
It feels complicated so I'd value anyone's thoughts on how to navigate it all. Thanks ❤️
Since the husband's death, our friend has leaned on us and me in particular heavily. He calls over the smallest thing such as his leg hurts, texts multiple times most days, and has visited a lot, staying several nights each time. He's relentlessly negative about everything and talks about himself nonstop, not a new trait but it is exhausting to be around.
We are compassionate about his situation and grief but what's becoming apparent is that we are not now being protected by the deceased partners enabling and are getting the full blast of his uNPD traits. It reached a point a month ago where we both felt boundaries needed to be placed with him. As I had a planned catch up with him it fell to me.
I planned ahead what I felt needed to be said and clearly but kindly explained that we were exhausted and feeling mentally impacted by the degree of support he was demanding of us and his relentless negativity. I gave him examples and explained that we care for him and wanted him to build a new life but that we couldn't continue as things were. He asked what we wanted and I explained that we felt overly enmeshed in his life and would appreciate some space and not being drawn into things that didn't concern us. Examples were disputes with other people, wrangles with his insurers, general gripes and complaining.
He responded well at the time. He agreed readily that he could see he'd been overloading us and me especially. He said he was changing and becoming a nicer and more patient person and he couldn't believe I hadn't noticed the changes. I said that it was positive that he was going in that direction but so far we had not seen that version of him. The chat ended amicably with him saying it had been good to clear the air.
I felt a huge sense of relief that the boundaries had been reset and that it had gone well. I was also relieved to have some distance from him and his incessant demands on my time and energy.
As the weeks since have gone by he's since not called or texted once. He will respond to messages but will not initiate contact. My husband and I have taken turns to call and check in every week. With my husband he is warm and chatty but with me he is cool and business like.
I felt that this was his issue and that in time he'd adjust however I'm not sure now. Yesterday my husband said that he felt we should invite him down for a night as it had been several months now since his last visit. I was OK with that as long as it was just one night.
My husband called to catch up and in the conversation extended the invitation. Our friend then said that he believed that I didn't want him to visit any longer. My husband said that wasn't true and that we had discussed inviting him and had both agreed.
I'm sensing triangulation here which is triggering for me having had both parents uNPD and three siblings. I was the family scapegoat and can feel that I'm developing anxiety from anticipating the worst. I know how things can cascade badly with an uNPD who feels slighted or rejected. Neither occurred but victim mentality means he now seems to have filtered the chat after the event. I'm concerned about wider repercussions ie scapegoating, propaganda campaigns, playing the victim, black and white thinking and more.
It would be natural with almost anyone else to quietly let the distance open up with this friend but it's complicated by several things. He is also my husband's cousin and we have longstanding plans for an overseas trip laster this year with other mutual friends.
My husband says that we should just act normally and that it's up to him to adjust to the new boundaries. I'm torn as to whether my husband should have his own boundaries chat along the lines of supporting that the first chat was representing us both and that he doesn't want to see blaming or scapegoating directed at me.
It feels complicated so I'd value anyone's thoughts on how to navigate it all. Thanks ❤️
#13
Common Behaviors / Re: Stalking/ Smearing/ Exposi...
Last post by Invisiblewoman - Yesterday at 05:02:55 PMI think what was interesting to me, and what should be a red flag to anyone in any type of relationship is if someone constantly is going behind your back to "build a case" against you, and seems to do it just to maintain a level of turmoil, or isolation for you, run. Run far, far away.
My aunt literally freaked out when I mockingly said I would disown her, if she gave out my address. My tone was totally facetious, and she approached me with "what would you think if I gave your address to your nmom?" Like lady you called her a toxic narcissist why are you even suggesting that? I laughed because I thought it was weird and it was just none of her business to give out my address. It wasn't over something I had done wrong, although she wanted it to be, and pretty much made it up in her mind, I deserved my mother's aggressive behaviour because in her mind, that was the only way to control me.
She was totally enraged I wasn't on board with that and used my reaction as an abusive threat of abandonment towards her. This lady screamed at me, and made me feel horrible at times but yet the moment I react to her manipulation with boundaries, I'm an evil abuser coming to abandon her. What does she think giving out my address without consulting with me is?
That busy body need to report on every little thing I do and frame it under a negative light, while saying she will do as she pleases with my personal information, especially if I am wrong about something (in her eyes) is hella sus.
My aunt literally freaked out when I mockingly said I would disown her, if she gave out my address. My tone was totally facetious, and she approached me with "what would you think if I gave your address to your nmom?" Like lady you called her a toxic narcissist why are you even suggesting that? I laughed because I thought it was weird and it was just none of her business to give out my address. It wasn't over something I had done wrong, although she wanted it to be, and pretty much made it up in her mind, I deserved my mother's aggressive behaviour because in her mind, that was the only way to control me.
She was totally enraged I wasn't on board with that and used my reaction as an abusive threat of abandonment towards her. This lady screamed at me, and made me feel horrible at times but yet the moment I react to her manipulation with boundaries, I'm an evil abuser coming to abandon her. What does she think giving out my address without consulting with me is?
That busy body need to report on every little thing I do and frame it under a negative light, while saying she will do as she pleases with my personal information, especially if I am wrong about something (in her eyes) is hella sus.
#14
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Ok what just happened. So...
Last post by sunshine702 - Yesterday at 04:29:29 PMQuote from: notrightinthehead on April 16, 2024, 01:34:40 AMThere seems to be much more than the mil. You might have had a lucky escape from an abusive relationship.
Did you not feel scared around him? Walking on eggshells, trying not to upset him?
He menaced me this morning waking me up at 5 am. I texted him about getting things from the shop but telling his mom to not freak her out. The family is protective of that space.
More emotional abuse. New favorite person his mom.
My new apartment is so so so nice!! The movers were perfect and everything fits in like a sunlit home
#15
Chosen Relationships / Re: I just realized I am being...
Last post by Rebel13 - Yesterday at 04:28:05 PMYes! I think someone else posted recently about needing time/distance and then realizations like this start coming through. I am so glad you recognize the abuse and that you don't deserve it!
#16
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Is every discussion of the...
Last post by sunshine702 - Yesterday at 03:49:22 PMListen to the HORRIBLE "therapist" (who I would bet money has BPD!). Talk about how you need to walk on eggshells and just take it because "they can't help it".
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sI2vy7e7QSU
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sI2vy7e7QSU
#17
Working on Us / Re: Small steps almost a year ...
Last post by notrightinthehead - Yesterday at 03:23:31 PMI guess he knows how to find kind and empathetic women.
Fortunately you and your friend are no longer under his spell.
Fortunately you and your friend are no longer under his spell.
#18
Chosen Relationships / Re: Society’s unhelpful mixed ...
Last post by sunshine702 - Yesterday at 03:17:16 PMDr Ramani talks about listening to these people about relationships especially with Cluster B people is like listening to a lotto ticket winner about how to build wealth on a small wage.
They have no idea they got lucky but think they know stuff!
They have no idea they got lucky but think they know stuff!
#19
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Is every discussion of the...
Last post by MaxedOut - Yesterday at 03:06:19 PMMy SO broke a bone last night and is in a lot of pain. Amid the barking demands and insults and yelling about how poorly I have been doing anything, she heard "I'm sorry" and "I'll go pour some water out of the cup now" as attacks, antagonizing, back talk, provoking, and arguing. I am trying not to say anything remotely triggery but apparently saying anything is an attack on its own. So is not saying anything right now. 
#20
Last Days / After the Funeral / Re: Thought I Was Planning A F...
Last post by Call Me Cordelia - Yesterday at 02:50:42 PMThat's stunning news and we're rejoicing with you for your husband's recovery of health! I'm so heartened that you feel that gratitude and find something to celebrate every day. Life really is such a gift.
I'm sorry you're getting that lack of care for you from both sides of your family. It tracks with my experience, though. I too had a miraculous healing from a long term illness, and my parents were disappointed. The supply of playing the tiny violin of oh woe is me was pulled out from under them, and that's as much as they cared for me. It's really wrong. Of course this is going to rock you some, but you are learning from the experience and their smallness and meanness, ultimately, does not define your happiness.
I'm sorry you're getting that lack of care for you from both sides of your family. It tracks with my experience, though. I too had a miraculous healing from a long term illness, and my parents were disappointed. The supply of playing the tiny violin of oh woe is me was pulled out from under them, and that's as much as they cared for me. It's really wrong. Of course this is going to rock you some, but you are learning from the experience and their smallness and meanness, ultimately, does not define your happiness.