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 (http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/519hcVHPLzL._SL125_.jpg) Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad

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Total Members Voted: 16

"Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstand, PhD

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OpenHeart

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It's pretty overwhelming to think about it all at one time.  I began by working on myself in the sense that I had lost track of who I was.  I didn't know my likes or dislikes anymore.  it was all about what dxNPDh liked or disliked.  A big victory for me was when I was preparing for a major vacation (the first in over 10 years) and I wanted a travel journal.  H likes all things Tokien or of that style.  I like other things.  He was with me when I picked out my journal.  I picked out one I liked after careful consideration.  He then said "oh, here is a Tolkien cover" and I almost reached for it instead.  Then I said, "oh, that would be nice for you but I'm buying this one".  He was surprised and I am sure miffed. 

Anyway, start with something small.  Maybe make a list of things you would like to change (focus on yourself).  Prioritize them in some way.  One of my goals was to rebuild my social life and support system.  I broke that into many steps.  It is over a year later and I have two new friends and reestablished with a couple of others.  Last night I started an art class (a very basic "no talent" class - it is actually in the course name, lol).  I'm just taken it for fun for myself.  I met a couple of ladies there who were friendly.  The class goes 7 weeks.  Maybe I will make another friend or two.  Or just a couple of "class" friends.  This was unthinkable last summer.

Good luck!
I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire.

WITCH - Woman In Total Control of Herself
BITCH - BABE In Total Control of Herself

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looloo

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OpenHeart, that is wonderful!  I have been saying to myself for years now how I "need" to get a social life again, and haven't done much about it at all.  My love of solitude keeps growing, lol.  But you have inspired me to begin again.
ďIf you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.Ē  Oscar Wilde.

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ChristinaK

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For those people who are living with someone who has some form of mental illness such as OCPD, Borderline Personality Disorder of Narcissistic Personality Disorder - I would like to strongly recommend the book I have been reading:

'Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist, How to end the Drama and get on with your life', by Margalis Fjelstad.

There were revelations for me on every page of this book but most settling for me was the knowledge that I was not a 'codependent'. I had explored this notion for a good year recently trying to find answers to the ongoing drama of the marriage and my upset feelings. Fjelstad explains that because people with a personality disorder make such a profound impact on their family members, the family itself cannot keep functioning without someone taking the Caretaker role. This is exactly what happened and Fjelstad gives straightforward knowledge about the situation and advice as to how to make it much better.

She writes, 'Your hope for a better relationship needs to be transferred from trying to heal the the BP/NP to your own healing.' She provides strategies to make communication and functioning much better. For example, she writes, 'Do not discuss any uproar situation afterward...ask yourself whether you ever successfully talked things through with the BP/NP and had anything really change...Remember that the BP/NP really relates only to actions in the present moment and if the present moment is going well, keep it that way." In large, Fjelstad focuses on the Caretaker having self-responsibility, getting control of emotional reactions and ineffective responses to the crazy-making actions of the BP/Np in "different, more honest and realistic ways."

This book has been a great deal of help to me and I have already noticed a sense of calm in myself which seems to have also had an impact on my husband. I am working on the basis here that OCPD is a specific set of behaviors (e.g owning the truth and being perfectionist/procrastinating) but that there are elements of other conditions as well in some cases (e.g. my husband has OCPD characteristics but also can be highly emotional. In bringing up a family the caretaker role is one I assumed in an effort to ensure the children grew up whole.)

What I realized in reading the book was that I have been extremely creative in trying to find answers to my married life but that any creativity on my part was only a temporary fix for a ongoing personality disorder. It's Fjelstad's brutal honesty which is the compelling aspect of her writing style. The Caretaker has no choice but to stand up and pay close attention.

I'd love to discuss the material of the book if anyone here has read it.

« Last Edit: May 17, 2017, 06:19:44 PM by ChristinaK »

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Latchkey

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Hi ChristinaK,

I am going to move this to our Book Review section if that is ok where you can see others responses to the book and hopefully get more of a conversation going. This is a great book!!

Latchkey
« Last Edit: May 18, 2017, 09:55:02 AM by Latchkey »
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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ChristinaK

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Thank you very much. I didn't know there was an area for books. That's great.

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Latchkey

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We moved it! Looks like you've found the book reviews!
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
-
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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SonofThunder

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Read this book last year. Re-read parts all the time.  Very helpful in understanding my uNPDw and father and assisting me along with the book, Boundaries. 
Proverbs 21:9  Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse.

Proverbs 27:15-16  A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet; You canít turn it off, and you canít get away from it.