"Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger

[divinehammer]

Reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.

It's answering a lot of questions about my wife's behavior of late, which of course I believe all stems from the dysfunctional family dynamic she grew up with.

I found the following helpful, a sampling of assumptions made by those with PDs (I've bolded the ones I've experienced):

• I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. I must be completely competent in all ways to be a worthwhile person.
• Some people are good and everything about them is perfect. Other people are thoroughly bad and should be blamed and punished for it.
• My feelings are caused by external events. I have no control over my emotions or the things I do in reaction to them.
• Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I lose everyone I care about—despite the desperate things I do to stop them from leaving me.
• If someone treats me badly, then I become bad.
• When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing.
• I will be happy only when I can find an all-giving, perfect person to love me and take care of me no matter what. But if someone close to this loves me, then something must be wrong with them.
• I can't stand the frustration that I feel when
I need something from someone and I can't get it. I've got to do something to make it go away.

[chibifloom]

 

I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells twice. It definitely helps me understand the turmoil of the borderline mind... and those examples you gave appear to be very accurate about the borderlines (I have 2 friends and my mother in law are diagnosed with BPD. I suspect my grandmother is as well) in my life.

I have found after reading that book that if you decide to continue the relationship with the borderline, you have to constantly validate their feelings and assert yourself by putting up boundaries. My mother in law has BPD and is very pushy and controlling. This book helped me realize that I cannot cave to her - even though it would be easier to deal with short term - as she repeatedly pushes my boundaries and limits. However, I have found the constant validation to be very tiring. I am constantly having my feelings invalidated by her and having to validate her feelings is tiresome and feels unfair because my feelings don't matter to her. I'm working on this step because I know that if I can show her that I understand how she feels it will be easier to reason with her.

I also recommend The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I found that it had more practical knowledge to putting up specific boundaries.

[MakingChanges]

I also find it tiresome to attempt to find ways to live peacefully with the PD people in my life.    I just get so tired of every interaction needing to be pre-planned so it can be successful.  I just want to exist and interact with others without all the drama.  Unfortunately, lately I've been choosing to be alone rather than to attempt to interact with others.  I'm just so burned out on needy people right now, that I don't even try anymore.  I'd rather be alone and at peace.

[Unvitation to Drama]

I also find it tiresome to attempt to find ways to live peacefully with the PD people in my life.    I just get so tired of every interaction needing to be pre-planned so it can be successful.  I just want to exist and interact with others without all the drama.  Unfortunately, lately I've been choosing to be alone rather than to attempt to interact with others.  I'm just so burned out on needy people right now, that I don't even try anymore.  I'd rather be alone and at peace.

MC,
This is exactly how I feel right now.  I'm exhausted.  I have two toddlers to which I am the primary caregiver.  I equate the management required to deal with a PD individual equal to or greater than that of a toddler, especially when it comes to validating feelings and pre-planning every single interaction.  My house is at peace and I don't want that disrupted.
UTD

[MakingChanges]

I think I'm dating another narcissistic man.  I wouldn't say he has a PD, but he's very self centered.  I just can't be bothered.  Maybe it's good that I'm tired of the whole thing.  Maybe now I'll stop humoring and enabling these tiresome behaviors in my partners.  My bf and I have fun together, but there's a whole nother tiresome side to him.  And I just stay home and don't bother with him lately.  Life's too short for me to center my life around another person's behaviors.

[Elizabeth Anne]

I can so relate to the title of this book and sounds as if it should be an interesting read - I am feeling I need to get as much information as possible in relation to my unNPD.  I need more advice, more help and encouragement - whether that means I stay or go.  I cannot continue to walk on egg shells!

[Malan40]

I know this post is kind of old but i had to comment on this. I have only recently, within the last several months, identified my Ex fiance as being a borderline. Every thing I read here from real people are so similar to my experiences, it's a rush of validation she is simply incapable of giving me.

Well as i discovered more and more about BPD, I naturally started to look for resources to help me with the consequences i face from all of this. And one of the first titles I saw was this book. That was the single biggest moment of "OH MY GOD, I'M NOT CRAZY" And that is because if I'd said "honey I walk on eggshells with you all the time" once i'd said it 50 times. I am still waiting for a copy to show up at my local half price books and I am hopeful to find some answers or maybe some acceptance within.

[MakingChanges]

The book is fantastic.  It will help you alot. 

And as a follow up to my above post, I dumped the bf.  Too narcissistic, rude, and had a drinking problem.

[syd30]

When my sister was in a treatment faculty the psychiatrist there recommended the family read this book.  It helped me understand so much about why she was the way she was, why she acted how she did, and how we should relate to her.

On the one side it made me feel bad for her and the constant turmoil she must go thought in life, the emotional upheaval that is her daily life, but on the other hand I saw the unfairness that was OUR life with having to deal with someone with BPD. 

The book definitely helped me take some steps in dealing with her in a better way and in protecting myself with the constant manipulation that a person with BPD inflict on their loved ones.  Not to say that it its easy and the book solved all my problems but it definitely helped. 

I really do love this book.  I recommend it to anyone who is dealing with someone who was diagnosed with BPD or at least believes their loved one has BPD.

Thanks for the review.

[djcleo]

I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells twice. It definitely helps me understand the turmoil of the borderline mind... and those examples you gave appear to be very accurate about the borderlines (I have 2 friends and my mother in law are diagnosed with BPD. I suspect my grandmother is as well) in my life.

I have found after reading that book that if you decide to continue the relationship with the borderline, you have to constantly validate their feelings and assert yourself by putting up boundaries. My mother in law has BPD and is very pushy and controlling. This book helped me realize that I cannot cave to her - even though it would be easier to deal with short term - as she repeatedly pushes my boundaries and limits. However, I have found the constant validation to be very tiring. I am constantly having my feelings invalidated by her and having to validate her feelings is tiresome and feels unfair because my feelings don't matter to her. I'm working on this step because I know that if I can show her that I understand how she feels it will be easier to reason with her.

I also recommend The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I found that it had more practical knowledge to putting up specific boundaries.

Thank you so much for writing this! I feel the same way about the concept of validating someone who invalidates me whenever she can.

[BlockedIt]

First a short rant, then some good stuff...
RANT
When I finished reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" my initial reaction was that the book should be called, "Walk on Eggshells: How to Try and Avoid Triggering Someone with BPD, but Probably Fail."
I think the book does a great job explaining the symptoms of BPD and the out of control behavior that we live with, but section 2 (Taking Back Your Life) was a bit disappointing. It seemed to give even more details about the behaviors of a person with BPD and the tools for living with them are not well organized and seem to have a feeling of hopelessness regarding the behaviors.
To mix metaphors, I finished it thinking that living with someone with BPD is like living in a mine-field and the book about avoiding mines, defusing mines that get set off, protecting yourself if one explodes, and recovering from injuries.
Living with someone with BPD requires vigilance and hyper-awareness.
I think that sucks.

GOOD STUFF - A list of points that mean something to me from the book.
Whenever I read a self-help book, I read through it quickly the first time, then I go back through it and pull out the tools.
I want to share with you all what I gained from my second time through:
pg 88
-Know yourself
-Live by your values
-Clearly communicate your needs and wants
pg91
-Be secure in knowing that you are neither a demon or an angel.
pg94
-Join a support group
pg98
-Let the BP take care of themselves
-Don't do for them what they can do for themselves
-Work on yourself
-Detach with love:
--Don't suffer
--Don't be used
--Don't do for them what they can do
--Don't create a crisis
--Don't prevent a crisis
pg 99
-Don't delay your own happiness
-Take time off alone to reflect
-Don't be their therapist
-Three C's:
--You didn't Cause
--You can't Control
--You can't Cure
-Get off their back
-Get out of their way
-Get on with your life
-Be good to yourself
-Don't drink too much
pg 100
-DON'T listen to cruelty
-Get a therapist
-Do things you'll feel proud of
pg101
-Remember that you chose her/him
pg 102
-Don't minimize severity
pg 103
-Don't intermittently reinforce
pg105
-Make decisions!
pg106
-Believe that you DON'T deserve to be treated bad
pg107
-Face your own issues about being needed
pg114
-Ask for clarification
pg117
-Work on self
-Get reality checks from those around you
-Decrease exposure to BP behaviors
-Know the 3 C's
pg119
-Set physical limits
pg120
-Set emotional limits
pg121
-Practice this quote: It sounds like you feel that I am rejecting or abandoning you. That must be very painful. You can believe that and make yourself feel bad, or you can try to work through why you are always doubting my love for you.
pg128
-State thoughts and feelings clearly
-be congruent with your values
pg131
-Use paraphrasing and reflective listening skills
pg132
-Use I statements
pg134
-Stay focused on topic
-Simplify
-Give feedback
-Ask questions
pg135
-DON'T Defend, Deny, Counter-Attack, or Withdraw
pg136
-Keep a log of criticism
pg136-138
-Agree with Part
-Agree with possibility
-Allow opinion and recognize it
-Use gentle humor
pg140
-Express confidence that BP can learn to cope with their feelings
-Communicate limits clearly
-Remove yourself
pg141
-Consider: What would you do if a stranger treated you this way?
-Breathe deep
-Keep seeing shades of grey
-Trust your instincts
-Check yourself: Make sure you are feeling your own feelings not hers/his
pg142
-Validate yourself
-Objectively consider their opinion
-Be aware of timing (is this a good time?)
-Be aware of your own moods
-Remember: You can CHOOSE your feelings
pg143
-Acknowledge their feelings, put words to them ("you seem...")
pg145
-Setting Limits
--Be specific
--One at a time
--Begin easy
--Practice with a friend
--Think about personal rewards
pg147
-Let them know they can take care of themselves
-Practice saying: I care about you and I want to be treated like the mature, responsible adult that I am
pg147-148
-Practice this apology: I know you feel very hurt and angry about ___. And you've said that you feel I do this all the time and that this means I don't love you. I can try to make up for ____ by saying that I am sorry and offering to ____, which I have done. I can also point out the times that I have done favors for you. And I can tell you that I do love you - which I do, very much. That is all that I can do. I can't change the past, I can't make you believe that I love you. I can't make you see the things I've done for you, if you choose not to look at them. I know it hurts and you are mad, and I wish I could make it all better for you. The way I see things, you need to step in here and help yourself. You can choose to keep thinking these things, or you can choose to try to calm down, accept my apology, and see where we can go from here. I can't do it for you. Perhaps with my support, you can do it for yourself.
pg148-149
-Listen
-Ask for clarification
-Restate
pg150
-Validate
-Practice saying: I can understand that if you thought I didn't love you, that would be upsetting. If that were true, it would be more than upsetting-- it would be devastating. Are you feeling hurt and sad right now?
-After listening and restating, assert yourself with "my reality" statements
-"I understand that you think this way, I see it differently"
pg151
-Ask, don't tell: "Please don't yell at me" instead of "Stop being angry"
pg151-153
-DEAR:
--Describe the situation
--Express clear feelings and opinions
--Assert limits
--Reinforce beliefs
pg153
-Practice saying: I am extremely uncomfortable when you yell at me. I feel angry and helpless. I am asking you to stop this right now so we can go back to having a good time.
pg154
-Practice saying: If you don't stop, I am going to take a break
-Be aware of counter moves
pg155
-Don't argue about limits
-Practice saying: I understand that you think I am a bad person, but I feel good about myself and I am proud that I respect myself enough to set this limit.
-Practice saying: I understand that you think I am manipulative and controlling. I think it is your job to make choices and decide how you want to act. And it is my job to think about the things I am comfortable with and the things I am not.
pg156
-Practice:
--That's your choice
--I would like to talk about this later when things have calmed down
--I need to think about this more
--There are no villains here. We just see things differently
--I am willing to take up to 50 percent of the responsibility
--I know you don't like this, but it isn't negotiable
--I know you want an answer now, but I need time to think
pg157
-change the subject
-leave the room, or home
-agree to meet only with 3rd party
-stop the car and refuse to drive with them
-be firm with "no"
-ask for help from others
-call crisis line
-call police
pg159
-Measure your success by things you can control (your own words and actions, thoughts and feelings)
pg160
-Believe you are doing this for the long-term health of the relationship - not just for you
-Be a mirror, not a sponge
-Stay on track - don't allow BP to distract you from your goals
-Feel good about the steps you've taken

[GettingOOTF]

It's been a while since I read it but this book was SUCH a revelation to me. This and Codependant No More truly changed my life.

[Whiteheron]

Another Rant!
Blockedit - I had the exact same reaction when I read this book! I could barely finish it, I ended up in tears reading the advice they gave. At the time, I was so hurt, confused, and trying to reach out for help. It was a very difficult, disheartening and lonely time for me (just recognizing the abuse, FOG, etc for the first time). I was finding it very difficult to get help, so I reached for this highly recommended book. I was beside myself when I was reading it. I felt it was nothing but excuses for PD behavior - which I was already getting from the professionals I had tried to reach out to. All I could see was the way it was telling me to placate the PD to avoid setting him off, and giving me a road map to how I needed to change my behaviors to make it work with him. I just wanted to scream - "I've already changed myself and my behaviors to tiptoe around him and NOW this book is telling me I need to do it more??!!??!!" I was at the end of my rope, physically, emotionally, mentally. I could not change myself any more to accommodate his increasingly hostile, bizarre and unhinged behaviors. I was at my breaking point, the way I read this book, it was telling me I needed to do/give more. I could not. It would have broken me. Boundaries did not work with my PD - it made him much, much worse.

One of my issues with the book has to do with the 'good points' you listed. If I lived up to those good points, it would directly conflict with avoiding the eggshells. (so my takeaway was that I was basically screwed - damned if I did, damned if I didn't). Maybe my PD was too far gone, maybe he truly is bipolar coupled with PD and there was no way it would work. Maybe his issues run too deep? idk.

That being said, I am in a different place right now, and maybe if I read it again I would feel differently. I know it has helped a lot of people. At the time, I just wasn't one of them.

[BlockedIt]

@Whiteheron

All I could see was the way it was telling me to placate the PD to avoid setting him off, and giving me a road map to how I needed to change my behaviors to make it work with him. I just wanted to scream - "I've already changed myself and my behaviors to tiptoe around him and NOW this book is telling me I need to do it more??!!??!!" I was at the end of my rope, physically, emotionally, mentally. I could not change myself any more to accommodate his increasingly hostile, bizarre and unhinged behaviors. I was at my breaking point, the way I read this book, it was telling me I needed to do/give more...
One of my issues with the book has to do with the 'good points' you listed. If I lived up to those good points, it would directly conflict with avoiding the eggshells. (so my takeaway was that I was basically screwed - damned if I did, damned if I didn't).

Spot on how I feel.

I have been practicing some of the tools from the book over the last couple weeks.
I find it exhausting.
I have to speak to her like she is a child.
She lost control in a store recently. I pulled her close to me and, eye to eye, talked her through it. I stayed gentle but firm and confident.
It worked. We ended up having a pretty good day after that.
I'm curious if it will always be this way though. Will she grow out of it, or will I always have to do these things in order for us to have good days together?

[Whiteheron]

Not sure they ever grow out of it. My stbx has gotten much much worse with age.

Glad to hear the techniques worked in the moment. Good job!