"I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg

[Latchkey]

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better
by Gary Lundberg (Author) , Joy Lundberg (Author)


      Paperback: 336 pages
      Publisher: Penguin Books (May 1, 2000)
      Language: English
      ISBN-10: 0140286438
      ISBN-13: 978-0140286434



Book Summary from Amazon: The Lundbergs address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect you to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the no-win role of "fixer" and empower people to solve their own problems through validation--a simple yet profound communication tool that is essential to any healthy relationship. Refreshingly straightforward, this inspiring and entertaining work is poised to become a classic guide for anyone who wishes to improve relationships with their partner, children, colleagues and friends.



Review: I found this book to be easy to access and start using immediately for communicating with everyone in my life with or without a PD. It is essential for learning validation with little confusion as to how to apply in the real world. It is also hands down the best book to curb co-dependency I know of. It helps in keeping boundaries and limits in place. I use the tools in this book for dealing with  all my kids age 2-16 as well as adults in my life. The validating questions  work well with teens especially.

I knew for many years I had co-dependent tendencies but this was the first book that I found that gave me practical advice on how to filter or stop the helpful advice just waiting to come out of my mouth. I now have a "help filter" in place since it seems I am programmed since childhood to help others.

While this helping is good and needed sometimes, it works against me when I am constantly taking on the problems of others. Fixing also works against me when I offer help and it causes the other person or myself a new dilemma. Like highly recommending an alternative medicine doctor to a friend for her son then having the same doctor order $1000 worth of tests that her insurance won't cover and prescribing a diet that her son refuses to follow. Or pushing a friend to go to my mechanic and having that mechanic fix the car but break the hood release and then not repair it. Trying to "help" my daughters figure out how to deal with  gossip and rumors when they are the ones who understand the complex world of school and social media that they live in and all they need is a listening ear and maybe a hug.

All these things I now - unless directly asked for a referral- try to leave up to the person to make the decision and go through the problem solving process and fix themselves. By listening to the person, asking validating questions, then the person who once needed helping can figure out their own strategies.

What it comes down to is empowering others to help themselves. Codependency usually means enabling and that is not helping anyone. Often it creates a cycle of harmful interactions with people.

I would encourage any member of Out of the FOG to pick it up and start reading today. It's one of the most simple and truly life changing books I've read and should be required reading for anyone trying to maintain or recover from a relationship with a person with a personality disorder.

Hope others here find it as helpful as I have.

Latchkey

[Spring Butterfly]

Huge for this recommendation. It came at a time when I was struggling with a particular aspect of codependency I just couldn't put my finger on and was struggling for some direction. Codependency was long conquered but how can I offer support without being codependent? How do I show empathy in a balanced way? Validation and how exactly to empower others has made a profound impact on my dealings with everyone in my life not just PD persons.

[notrightinthehead]

I am reading this book by Gary and Joy Lundberg because it was recommended somewhere on this forum and the title made me curious. I enjoy reading it, it comes with many little stories how relationships have been improved by validating the other persons feeling and avoiding to go into problem solving mode but rather listen and then to trust that they are competent to solve their own problems. There are many  examples on how to set boundaries in a kind, gentle, respectful and firm way. And they state that we humans have a universal need to feel that "I am of worth, my feelings matter and someone really cares about me."
It is repetitive which might help me remember that I do not have to make it better. Still while reading the success stories I think, Well, that won't work with my NPDh. I will implement it in my life anyway.

[Latchkey]

I still go back to this book nearly every day in it's wisdom. It's a simple book with a very strong message.