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  Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Cloud & Townsend

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"Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No..." by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

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Spring Butterfly

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Excellent book on what boundaries are, how they are a basic human right, how to develop them. Being raised by PD boundaries was a brand new concept for me.

This workbook (link below) looks like an excellent resource and I plan to use it for a second go through the book. It's meant to use with the DVD video and book together but I'm going to give it a try with just the book.
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Boundaries-New-Revised-DVD-Facilitator-Guide_-Revised0812.pdf

: word of warning, the book is written with a definite Christian slant so might be off putting to non Christian people. Personally I appreciated a balanced use of scripture to explain healthy boundaries and feel there's enough other information for the non Christian to benefit as well.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2015, 09:11:49 PM by eclipse »
One cannot set boundaries and at the same time worry of others feelings. Knowing personal values and speaking truth makes boundaries easier for me.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2014, 05:32:51 AM »
Sometimes we need to set boundaries that hurt others but it doesn't harm them. In fact, in the long run, they are better off whether they know it or not and we are better off even though we may not feel that when first learning to set boundaries. Actually, at first, we may ourselves feel pain from trying to set boundaries, but they are a basic human right.

There's a big difference between hurting someone and harming someone. Hurt can sometimes cause growth for both parties but harm most definitely injures. What feels good can harm (sugar rots teeth) and what hurts can heal (dentist fills cavity) and keeping this in mind is helping me reconcile things in my mind.

The book uses this illustration: Going to the dentist to have a cavity filled hurts but it is not harmful, in fact you are better off without the cavity. Eating sugar feels really good but has the potential to harm you by causing cavities.

Getting the cavity filled - Does it hurt? Yes it hurts but does it harm? No in fact it makes it better. And candy, does it hurt? No in fact it's a tasty treat. But doesn't harm? Yes, in fact that may be why one has a cavity in the first place.

This helped me level set so many of my conflicting feelings about fear obligation and guilt.
One cannot set boundaries and at the same time worry of others feelings. Knowing personal values and speaking truth makes boundaries easier for me.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2014, 09:42:42 AM »
One cannot set boundaries and at the same time worry of others feelings. Knowing personal values and speaking truth makes boundaries easier for me.

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Spring Butterfly

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« Last Edit: September 02, 2014, 06:19:28 AM by Spring Butterfly »
One cannot set boundaries and at the same time worry of others feelings. Knowing personal values and speaking truth makes boundaries easier for me.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2014, 06:08:08 AM »
Excerpt from book:

Quote
Two parents with an adult son log to the therapist and complain about how he wouldn't come to therapy because he said he doesn't have any problems. Here's what transpired next:

"After they had talked for a while, I responded: “I think your son is right. He doesn’t have a problem.” You could have mistaken their expression for a snapshot; they stared at me in disbelief for a full minute. Finally the father said, “Did I hear you right? You don’t think he has a problem?” “That’s correct,” I said. “He doesn’t have a problem. You do. He can do pretty much whatever he wants, no problem. You pay, you fret, you worry, you plan, you exert energy to keep him going. He doesn’t have a problem because you have taken it from him. Those things should be his problem, but as it now stands, they are yours. Would you like for me to help you help him to have some problems?” p. 29-30 of "Boundaries" by H. Cloud & J. Townsend

And the chapter goes on to explain about boundaries. Boundaries, having  a life, and being a separate person from others around you PD or not, is a basic human right. Live your life, not others lives for them.
« Last Edit: August 23, 2016, 07:53:34 AM by Spring Butterfly »
One cannot set boundaries and at the same time worry of others feelings. Knowing personal values and speaking truth makes boundaries easier for me.

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Spring Butterfly

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One cannot set boundaries and at the same time worry of others feelings. Knowing personal values and speaking truth makes boundaries easier for me.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2014, 07:43:06 AM »
One cannot set boundaries and at the same time worry of others feelings. Knowing personal values and speaking truth makes boundaries easier for me.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2014, 08:00:18 AM »
One cannot set boundaries and at the same time worry of others feelings. Knowing personal values and speaking truth makes boundaries easier for me.

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sharie

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Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2014, 06:12:56 PM »
I love this book!  I think its what sparked my journey ootf.  Can't second your recommendation enough.  Glad I have it in print because its all marked and tabbed up!  Rarely leaves my nightstand (and if it does its only because it has traveled to the office with me).

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lifelonglearner

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Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2014, 11:20:00 PM »
I read this book years ago and appreciated it. I don't have it anymore...but I was thinking of it often recently because I feel I'm not sticking to my boundaries for myself as well as I could be lately.

Thanks for sharing all of your info...I'm looking forward to giving it a second read soon :)

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WaterRising

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Thank you for this!  It's a very useful resource!

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all4peace

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This book gave me the courage to finally start setting boundaries in the relationship that was causing me a lot of pain. It was very eye opening. As a Christian, I feel like a lot of my unhealthy behavior in this relationship was caused by a misinterpretation of the bible, so this book was so helpful.

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Caroline02

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While this book has some good information regarding setting boundaries in specific scenarios, I found it hard to translate it to my situation with an NPD spouse.  I have to admit I didn't go through the work book because I didn't see how to apply the book to my life. Am I missing something that helps set boundaries with NPDs?

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Spring Butterfly

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It would be difficult to say without knowing specific challenges. Can you share some of the challenges in the Chosen forum? Sometimes people confuse rules for others behavior with boundaries. Boundaries are all about what action we take to protect ourselves from abuse.
One cannot set boundaries and at the same time worry of others feelings. Knowing personal values and speaking truth makes boundaries easier for me.