Poll

  Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Cloud & Townsend

:star:  :star:  :star:  :star:  :star:
6 (66.7%)
:star:  :star:  :star:  :star:  
1 (11.1%)
:star:  :star:  :star:
1 (11.1%)
:star:  :star:  
1 (11.1%)
:star:  
0 (0%)

Total Members Voted: 9

"Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No..." by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

  • 13 Replies
  • 6962 Views
*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 14637
  • Says who? Really says who? Question everything.
    • FOG vs Love
Excellent book on what boundaries are, how they are a basic human right, how to develop them. Being raised by PD boundaries was a brand new concept for me.

This workbook (link below) looks like an excellent resource and I plan to use it for a second go through the book. It's meant to use with the DVD video and book together but I'm going to give it a try with just the book.
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Boundaries-New-Revised-DVD-Facilitator-Guide_-Revised0812.pdf

: word of warning, the book is written with a definite Christian slant so might be off putting to non Christian people. Personally I appreciated a balanced use of scripture to explain healthy boundaries and feel there's enough other information for the non Christian to benefit as well.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2015, 09:11:49 PM by eclipse »
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." Mark Twain

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 14637
  • Says who? Really says who? Question everything.
    • FOG vs Love
Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2014, 05:32:51 AM »
Sometimes we need to set boundaries that hurt others but it doesn't harm them. In fact, in the long run, they are better off whether they know it or not and we are better off even though we may not feel that when first learning to set boundaries. Actually, at first, we may ourselves feel pain from trying to set boundaries, but they are a basic human right.

There's a big difference between hurting someone and harming someone. Hurt can sometimes cause growth for both parties but harm most definitely injures. What feels good can harm (sugar rots teeth) and what hurts can heal (dentist fills cavity) and keeping this in mind is helping me reconcile things in my mind.

The book uses this illustration: Going to the dentist to have a cavity filled hurts but it is not harmful, in fact you are better off without the cavity. Eating sugar feels really good but has the potential to harm you by causing cavities.

Getting the cavity filled - Does it hurt? Yes it hurts but does it harm? No in fact it makes it better. And candy, does it hurt? No in fact it's a tasty treat. But doesn't harm? Yes, in fact that may be why one has a cavity in the first place.

This helped me level set so many of my conflicting feelings about fear obligation and guilt.
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." Mark Twain

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 14637
  • Says who? Really says who? Question everything.
    • FOG vs Love
Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2014, 09:42:42 AM »
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." Mark Twain

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 14637
  • Says who? Really says who? Question everything.
    • FOG vs Love
« Last Edit: September 02, 2014, 06:19:28 AM by Spring Butterfly »
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." Mark Twain

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 14637
  • Says who? Really says who? Question everything.
    • FOG vs Love
Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2014, 06:08:08 AM »
Excerpt from book:

Quote
Two parents with an adult son log to the therapist and complain about how he wouldn't come to therapy because he said he doesn't have any problems. Here's what transpired next:

"After they had talked for a while, I responded: “I think your son is right. He doesn’t have a problem.” You could have mistaken their expression for a snapshot; they stared at me in disbelief for a full minute. Finally the father said, “Did I hear you right? You don’t think he has a problem?” “That’s correct,” I said. “He doesn’t have a problem. You do. He can do pretty much whatever he wants, no problem. You pay, you fret, you worry, you plan, you exert energy to keep him going. He doesn’t have a problem because you have taken it from him. Those things should be his problem, but as it now stands, they are yours. Would you like for me to help you help him to have some problems?” p. 29-30 of "Boundaries" by H. Cloud & J. Townsend

And the chapter goes on to explain about boundaries. Boundaries, having  a life, and being a separate person from others around you PD or not, is a basic human right. Live your life, not others lives for them.
« Last Edit: August 23, 2016, 07:53:34 AM by Spring Butterfly »
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." Mark Twain

*

sharie

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 184
Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2014, 06:12:56 PM »
I love this book!  I think its what sparked my journey ootf.  Can't second your recommendation enough.  Glad I have it in print because its all marked and tabbed up!  Rarely leaves my nightstand (and if it does its only because it has traveled to the office with me).

*

lifelonglearner

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 100
Re: Boundaries - by Cloud and Townsend
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2014, 11:20:00 PM »
I read this book years ago and appreciated it. I don't have it anymore...but I was thinking of it often recently because I feel I'm not sticking to my boundaries for myself as well as I could be lately.

Thanks for sharing all of your info...I'm looking forward to giving it a second read soon :)

*

WaterRising

  • New Member
  • *
  • 25
Thank you for this!  It's a very useful resource!

*

all4peace

  • Guest
This book gave me the courage to finally start setting boundaries in the relationship that was causing me a lot of pain. It was very eye opening. As a Christian, I feel like a lot of my unhealthy behavior in this relationship was caused by a misinterpretation of the bible, so this book was so helpful.

*

Caroline02

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
While this book has some good information regarding setting boundaries in specific scenarios, I found it hard to translate it to my situation with an NPD spouse.  I have to admit I didn't go through the work book because I didn't see how to apply the book to my life. Am I missing something that helps set boundaries with NPDs?

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 14637
  • Says who? Really says who? Question everything.
    • FOG vs Love
It would be difficult to say without knowing specific challenges. Can you share some of the challenges in the Chosen forum? Sometimes people confuse rules for others behavior with boundaries. Boundaries are all about what action we take to protect ourselves from abuse.
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." Mark Twain

*

emmab

  • New Member
  • *
  • 10
I  know this is an old topic, but I am here looking over book reviews today.  This particular book was the turning point in the beginning of my own recovery and healing. I do not consider myself a "Christian" (though I do believe in a Sovereign God), and I don't find the scriptural references and "God talk" off-putting at all. In fact, if anything, that Almighty God seems to think boundaries are good and necessary is pretty reassuring confirmation that we should find and set our own.  :D

*

practical

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 6551
The book helped me ground my boundaries and not because of faith, simply because of the way the book is written with feeling and rationality and real world experience and application. As a matter of fact it doesn't matter which faith you belong to I think (I'm not Christian) or if to any, originally the Christian angle put me off, but I'm so happy I gave the book a second chance.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

*

Oldguy61

  • New Member
  • *
  • 25
Just stumbled across this thread. "Boundaries" is a great book. Boundaries are a great tool for handling people with a PD. And this book in particular is far and away the best book I've ever read on the subject.

It's much more informative than the average book on boundaries. For example, the average book on boundaries deals mainly with "doormats" (people-pleasers) who find themselves unable to say "no" and end up getting walked on by other people. But this book by Cloud and Townsend goes a lot deeper into the subject than most. They break the "doormats" down into different types or categories depending on what kinds of sacrifices they make for others. Enablers, codependents, martyrs, etc.

As other posts have mentioned, the book is written from a Christian perspective: Lots of quotes from the Bible and all that. I ignored all that stuff, since I'm not a believer. Meantime, the psychology portion of the book is excellent, indeed flawless; rare to see in a book with a Christian perspective.

If readers are curious about the kind of advice given in the book (and how it pertains to handling PDs), I provided some notes from the book on the subject of boundaries in marriage in another thread. See this post of mine: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=67023.msg591141#msg591141
« Last Edit: July 25, 2017, 09:47:24 PM by Oldguy61 »