"Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward

[Nostromo]

"Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward
Publisher: Bantam; Reprint edition (January 2, 2002)
ISBN-13: 978-0553381405


"Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward is a validating and comforting book for adult children that have survived home environments that include, but are not limited to:

Inadequate Parents
Physical Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Verbal Abuse
Sexual Abuse

Many times, an adult child may not be able to pin-point exactly what makes their parents or parent-figure "toxic," and this book does a great job of describing behaviors that many survivors can relate to without crossing the line of telling the reader "how" to feel. Dr. Forward presents material in a thoughtful and caring manner, never blaming the victim, but empowering them and encouraging them to take action now that the reader is an adult.

Another aspect that can be comforting is that the author does not attempt to fit abuse all into one "box," and mentions that many times, abusers use more than one method of abuse when terrorizing their children. Also, the author allows room for more than just the societal definitions of abuse, which was refreshing considering that oftentimes these societal norms can prevent victims from either coming forward, or prevent them from feeling that they have "the right" to claim abuse.

"Toxic Parents" takes a different approach in that it encourages survivors to work on themselves, instead of how to fix abusers in the victim's life. By working on his or herself, the reader can truly set on a path towards hope, healing, and recovery. The author takes care in offering exercises, quizzes, and questions that allow the reader to get to know his or herself in a deeper and more reflective way; These features and advice are the most useful in the book.

While Dr. Forward's method of encouraging survivors to confront their past, face the trauma, and heal was a method that many will feel comfortable with and even embrace, her assertions that the abused should confront their abuser felt a bit forced, and at times, even wrong. She argues that by not confronting the abuser, the abused will go on to be afraid and be under the "control" of the abuser, but this does not seem to be necessary for every healing journey, and is definitely up to the survivor. While one may feel that they cannot move on without confronting their abuser, others may feel not only is it unnecessary, but in some cases, unsafe to do so. Even in examples in the book when confrontations ended in explosions and screaming, she deemed them as successes because the survivor placed boundaries, but does not delve into the emotional aftermath of such confrontations, or even interactions after the confrontations. Was there harassment? Stalking? Boundaries broken? This is unclear to the reader, and for victims that have lived through such treatment, confrontation seems like an unnecessary route.

Additionally, she does mention that it is possible to keep in contact with abusive family while still being your own person, and only recommends NC in extreme cases. However, experience would lend this decision to the reader, and not the opinion of the author herself.


Despite wariness regarding the advice of confrontation, I would recommend this book if you are interested in reading a book that is validating and written in a compassionate voice. It can be a relief to read experiences that echo your own experience, and the author's advice is overall sound and the focus is on the reader, not on fixing the abuser. Overall, 4.5 stars out of 5.

[gettingstronger]

This is another of my go to books. In the last chapter she talks about disengaging from the game. That was an important chapter, but it can be hard to do. She is right though.

[Celia]

Thanks for the review! This book changed my life. The case studies and examples are excellent—vivid and readable. I really appreciated Susan Forward's advice on confrontation, actually. Reading this book helped me acknowledge my anger at my parents. I had long repressed it and felt guilty about it; I thought my mother would drop dead if I get angry at her, and oddly enough, I felt protective of my father, despite the fact that he totally failed to protect me when I was a child... I confronted my parents (separately) by letter, one year after breaking off contact with them. That was one of the most liberating experiences ever.

[solidground]

This book is excellent.  I keep recommending it on the forum!

For many years after my abusive marriage I was tormented by not understanding how anyone could behave like my wife did.  Eventually I found out about BPD and was able to make sense of my experience.  Once that question was finally answered, my mind had space for another question - why did I stay through years of misery, rather than follow through on my regular threats to leave?  This book provided the answer.  Co-dependency.

When I read the book I felt like it unlocked the riddle of my whole life.  It described and explained feelings of self-doubt that had been there in the background controlling me for so long I didn't even notice them.  And helped me realise what had been staring me in the face - my dad was a classic NPD.

The author does not rant against the toxic parents for being evil, abusive or whatever.  Her approach is matter-of-fact.  She describes various "flavours" of inadequate parenting (e.g. alcoholism), the impact on children, and negative psychological patterns that can affect their whole life. 

I agree that you don't necessarily need to confront your abusive parent to move forward. (Too late - mine is dead!).   For me, just having the information was enough.

I was talking to a friend recently about this book and co-dependency.  She has had a lot of her own baggage to deal with.   She knows about my NPD dad, and she said her childhood was completely different.  But it turns out her mum suffered severe depression for many years - so my friend as a child had to always worry about not upsetting her mother.  This is another scenario described in the book - the child learning to "parent" the parent.  There is no "abuse" as such in this scenario - nevertheless the child's psychological needs are not met, and damage is done.  So it's very wide-ranging.

[poiu]

I just finished this one. Great book. I was debating about one thing though. She had a chapter on confronting your parents about their treatment of you. Usually, this is successful (she said). I wonder wondering this about Narc's. It would never be successful, right? Probably only make things worse.

[biggerfish]

Reading the above review has convinced me never to read this book. The idea of NC only "in extreme cases" feels judgmental, and who is to say what constitutes extreme? The author? Seems like the author speaks from both sides of her mouth: she defines abuse more broadly than society does, yet at the same time restricts NC to society's narrowest (and myopic) definitions. So, no thank you. 

[Foreignwoman]

Well spoken biggerfish. I started the book but never ended it, because I didn't like her tone overall and found the victim had to do all the work, so the perpetrator can sit lazy in his chair.
So, he's yelling and screaming? Here are some ideas to deal with that.
Other than that seemed NC the last resort, it is for most people, but no reason to spent so little time discussing it.

FW

[LittleStar]

Just finished this book and recommend it. It helps to understand the different types of toxic parents there are and how abuse can take many forms. It tries to help us to deal with our situation and the path to healing. I also skipped the part about confrontation because I chose to go NC with my uNPDm and don't think that confronting her would help, as she wouldn't be able to understand me or admit that she did anything wrong. She is not capable of change. My focus now is on me, my needs and my healing.

[Lillith65]

I have started this book, but agree with the posts regarding the tone. The idea that no contact should be only for the most extreme cases is one that I struggle with - sometimes people get tired of dealing with abuse by withdrawing from the situation or by identifying and addressing it with the abuser - sometimes we do just want to get away and stay away.

[Moxie890]

This is the book that validated me gut feeling that something was wrong, and it wasn't me.

[blacksheep7]

I found it very helpful, an easy read as a first book coming Out of the FOG, validating my experience of abuse and understanding PD parents. 

I agree to disagree that  nc is only in extreme cases.  It's up to us to decide.

My nc was not because it was extreme but enough hurt had been done and knowing that BPM wouldn't change as she caused chaos in my FOO.  For my mental health and recoving from C-PTSD, I needed peace and quiet.

[Adria]

Great Book! Thanks for reminding me.