When Others Speak So Well of Them, and/or They Speak Well of You

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looloo

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Re: When Others Speak So Well of Them, and/or They Speak Well of You
« Reply #40 on: October 13, 2015, 03:55:18 PM »
Thank you all for your comments and stories.  It's all about promoting her own image to others. 

She'll also smear and badmouth me, when her need for sympathy exceeds her need for admiration.  Not sure what happens in her mind that tips the scales one way or the other though!  :stars:
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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daughter

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Re: When Others Speak So Well of Them, and/or They Speak Well of You
« Reply #41 on: October 14, 2015, 11:14:54 AM »
Paramount to my NBM's thinking: WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME (NBM).  But that extreme consciousness of "other people's opinions" doesn't relate to NBM's own behavior and decisions, but rather in regards to her daughters' choices, and that's where her ridiculous control and glib ridicule operate: her npd-grandiosity extends to her "daughters-as-extension-of-self".  I've been rebuked for not owning a diningroom set, for moving to a nicer home 20 minutes from my parents' neighborhood, for sending my children to public school, for not relying upon an unknown doctor who's "brother-of-NBM's friend", for buying a station wagon, etc, all issues in the "who cares?" category.

Likewise, NBM's "apple-polishing" occurs when she meets "important people", when the charm is turned on full-blast, when both my npd-enmeshed parents are "life-of-the-party" jolly company.  Where the malice and malevolence is cloaked, because my NBM and enabler-NF feel these people are "worth cultivating".  They both can be arrogant and rude to "undesired people".  Their "charm" is like a spigot, turned-on and then turned-off, depending on how they assess the person.  I'm NC for 3+ years, and was secretly disinherited for nearly a decade before my NC decision, made while I was still a selflessly devoted "dutiful daughter/SG".  Recently my parents' estate-planning attorney called me, requesting that I sign documents relinquishing all interest in their real estate properties, even though I'm already disinherited.  And when I noted I was estranged from my parents, the disfavored daughter, the attorney responded that my parents were "nicest people he'd ever met".  Yes, charmed, I'm sure.  "Nicest people", disinheriting their estranged daughter, who had complied with their ever demand and expectation, until she couldn't stomach that self-flagellation anymore. 
« Last Edit: October 14, 2015, 11:20:37 AM by daughter »

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all4peace

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Re: When Others Speak So Well of Them, and/or They Speak Well of You
« Reply #42 on: October 14, 2015, 11:19:23 AM »
Likewise, NBM's "apple-polishing" occurs when she meets "important people", when the charm is turned on full-blast, when both my npd-enmeshed parents are "life-of-the-party" jolly company.  Where the malice and malevolence is cloaked, because my NBM and enabler-NF feel these people are "worth cultivating".  They both can be arrogant and rude to "undesired people".  Their "charm" is like a spigot, turned-on and then turned-off, depending on how they assess the person. 
Big-time resonation here. I have seen my uBPDmil literally sneer at a disabled child because their speech was incoherent but absolutely suck up to wealthy people with whom she wants to be friends. Old ladies, small children, people whom she doesn't perceive to be powerful? The mask comes off. My H explained this as why she has developed an interest in me in this past year, as I'm part of a business that is gaining attention among her peers and she would love to be in that circle of .... I don't know what it would be to her... power? attention? It's ridiculous, as we're talking very, very small time here, but in her eyes it's a circle she wants to be in. She doesn't seem to see that 1 year of butt kissing doesn't meld well with more than a decade of coldness and a lot of bad memories made.

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Mrsdubs

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Re: When Others Speak So Well of Them, and/or They Speak Well of You
« Reply #43 on: October 08, 2018, 09:55:06 AM »
I haven’t been on for a while, but this topic and the freedom to talk about it is amazing. I thought I was crazy when all man ms nurses and aides say how great she is andI am such a great daughter. The nursing home is where she needs to be, guilt follows me everyday. I try not to visit more then a nice a week for no more then 1 hour at a time. I send my kids, my nieces, as many other people as possible, not me. I still feel that pit in my stomach daily, the guilt pit. She still harassed me when I visit about how she needs to live with me. She is 89 and healthy and this I fear will be going on for more years to come. I am so so tired of her. Thanks for all sharing. This is a brave community. 

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louisebt

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Re: When Others Speak So Well of Them, and/or They Speak Well of You
« Reply #44 on: October 09, 2018, 09:38:21 AM »
urggh, now my uBPD mother is terminally ill and friends and family are rallying around her more i'm getting more of this rubbish 'your mother is so proud of you, she loves you so much'.
In BPD a lot of effort is put into maintaining an image of normality. It's all superficial and unstable.

I just smile awkwardly and move the subject on.

And from her it's just all over the place. 2 nights ago was 'you know i think you are amazing', in a drunken soppy voice.
Yesterday was 'saw the solicitor about the house, i'm not giving it to you! Only joking just wanted to see your reaction!'

 :blink:


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Orthocone

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Re: When Others Speak So Well of Them, and/or They Speak Well of You
« Reply #45 on: October 10, 2018, 09:01:32 PM »
Likewise, NBM's "apple-polishing" occurs when she meets "important people", when the charm is turned on full-blast, when both my npd-enmeshed parents are "life-of-the-party" jolly company.  Where the malice and malevolence is cloaked, because my NBM and enabler-NF feel these people are "worth cultivating".  They both can be arrogant and rude to "undesired people".  Their "charm" is like a spigot, turned-on and then turned-off, depending on how they assess the person. 
Big-time resonation here. I have seen my uBPDmil literally sneer at a disabled child because their speech was incoherent but absolutely suck up to wealthy people with whom she wants to be friends. Old ladies, small children, people whom she doesn't perceive to be powerful? The mask comes off. My H explained this as why she has developed an interest in me in this past year, as I'm part of a business that is gaining attention among her peers and she would love to be in that circle of .... I don't know what it would be to her... power? attention? It's ridiculous, as we're talking very, very small time here, but in her eyes it's a circle she wants to be in. She doesn't seem to see that 1 year of butt kissing doesn't meld well with more than a decade of coldness and a lot of bad memories made.

Ugh, my mom bragged about hassling a six-year old diagnosed autistic distant relative; had no idea why nobody agreed with her actions.  All I can say is I wish I'd been there, I would've set her straight right there in front of everybody.  She wouldn't have been happy with me.   :ninja: 
"You know makes the night so beautiful?  That the galaxy had a chance to sit in darkness, but it decided to let stars shine bright."-S D-B