My Ntrait alcoholic sister once said, in very snotty tones 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' It was in response to me voicing my objection to a repeated boundary violation (I'm not allowed to have boundaries & this particular one had been violated many times, to the point where I was furious at her continuing to disregard the boundary) and her tone was one of smug passive aggression of 'Well aren't you intolerant, clearly you are the one with the problem here.'I just looked at her and said 'Well, I am sorry you BEHAVED that way but clearly you are not, and until you are there's really no point in discussing it.'That conversation did not end well, and it resulted in NC, because the argument just escalated from there.I am NC because after all the work that I did to heal, to be more functional, and to learn how to have better relationships - well, none of that helped me to have a better relationship with my family and if anything I think it made it even harder.Knowing what good relationships were made it so clear to me what was going wrong with the way that my FOO acted, and I wound up having pretty much zero tolerance for it.No respect for boundaries, very little reciprocality, steady passive aggression, only hearing from them when they wanted something...you know the drill.I had simply reached the point where I knew that any apology from them was pointless because it wasn't sincere and it wouldn't signal any kind of change in the behaviour.It was really hard to come to terms with that, but honestly, an apology from an alcoholic, a drug user or a PD is meaningless, unless they've had some sort of epiphany about their own issues and they are actively seeking help to turn their lives around.Most of my mother's FOO simply interact in a way that for them is normal and which for me is like walking into a room filled with poison gas. I don't want to live like that, and as long as they do, every time they open their mouths the poison is going to seep out and fill the room.Change is hard, and I know they have their own issues which make it highly unlikely that they are ever going to sit down and look at how they do things, and decide to change.If that were to happen, I would feel like I'd won the lottery.I know what the odds of that are, and I also know that I've very low on trust when it comes to my family.I've built a better life away from them and all I can really do is to keep working on my issues, and work on building good relationships with people who know what good relationships actually are.
No, but I'm the problem & I'm the one who should apologise for existing. We're all very clear on that.
Yes. It seemed a true apology at the time. Years later something occurred to make me wonder if it really was a true apology.
During the fight that preceded NC, by which point I was already wishing that I'd given up & walked away, N-sis looked at me pitifully and said 'I don't know how to have relationships'.I was furious, because I'd spent the previous 20 years having T, reading books on how to have better relationships, how to communicate, how to deal with difficult people - all of it treated with utter scorn by both sisters - and then she says this.It felt like it was just a ploy to reel me back in & it was just too damned late. I simply didn't care.Since she hasn't made an effort to see me since, I'm guessing that learning how to have good relationships isn't something that rates high on her priority list. It's more important to put away the next bottle of Scotch.
looloo, on another note, if I may, because it caught my attention.... talking about your brother as being undiagnosed Schizoid PD. I think my sister fits that category. Your post made me research it again. She also always had a flat even voice. Don't get me wrong, she does show happiness but only, what makes her happy. Our relationship has always been superficial, always talking about the lighter things in life. She is in her fifties. Never really saw her express anger. Has no friends. Does not talk about her emotions and even her daughters told me so. They are very aware of how she is and are affected by it. She avoids it at all costs. If a situation bothers or hurts her, she always says, it's the least of my worries. For example, my narcm and gc sib, not attending her FIL funeral, last October. Will avoid any conflict. Last November, I expressed my feelings to her saying I was disappointed that she hadn't called my daughter to congratulate her on her second pregnancy, after three miscarriages in a row. We always were in each others life, so I could not comprehend. She shows interests in babies, my grandchildren, very much. I didn't hear from her in nearly four months. I called her to annonce the birth of that baby, end of January.I know, I'm off subject but thanks for listening. It's just sad that this is the result of our childhood abuse.
Well, sort of. My only sibling and I have been estranged since his marriage, he's now divorced. Over the last 10 years, he has called with tearful, dramatic apologies, probably three times, and I have accepted them. During these same marathon phone calls, we would "bond" over our crappy childhoods and I'd feel close to him. He'd always end up needing money and I would send it to him, thinking we were finally on the path to a "real" relationship. But, I'd never hear from him until the next big, dramatic "apology," always followed by his request for money. He called me last summer, same drill, except this time I asked him about NM and enF. Even though I haven't spoken to them in about two years, the three of them apparently get together all the time. Holidays, birthdays, just because. He even has to drive right by my house to get to our parent's home. I didn't give him any money this time, but felt used and betrayed like never before. When I asked him why NM and enF were giving me the silent treatment, he said in a haughty tone, "I really don't want to get involved." So, NC for all three. And, I will not take his next "apology" call.