Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #30 on: December 03, 2016, 11:51:48 AM »
Yesterday I had a burst of anxiety.  It's still hanging on.  I just returned from a walk, which sometimes helps, but today did not.  I also did something I did NOT anticipate - I broke long-term NC with my undiagnosed NPD mother by texting her, wishing her a belated happy Thanksgiving, and asking if she'd like to get together.  When she texted me back, she said "Just say when and where, and we will do it."  So I suggested her house, tomorrow, all the while wondering what I would say once I got there.  I can say that I'm relieved after receiving her answer this morning (she was likely checking in with my abusive older brother to ask him what she should say, which is why it took so long for her to respond....a pattern for them): "I will meet you at ________ [local, very public and busy restaurant] during your lunch break from work on Monday."  I responded by saying I don't get a break long enough to take a restaurant lunch, and not to worry about it, I just wanted to say "hi".  No response from her since, and I'm honestly glad.  I *think* I was looking for some sort of comfort, but how in the world I thought she would be able to provide it is beyond me.  It's an important reminder that I went NC for very good reasons, and that I wish to remain NC moving forward.  Lesson learned.  I am SO appreciative of the continued support regarding my feeling alone.  I know the pitfalls and traps of these unhealthy relationships - it's just that "knowing" and "feeling" are two different animals.  I'm mad at myself because I broke my own boundary with my mother, all the while knowing that there's a very good lesson in it for me, and also that why I did it was based on the desire for connections, which is not altogether an unhealthy thing.  On the positive side, I'm not devastated as I would have been 10 years ago, so that's progress!  :blush:

Christyjayk, hang in there......yes, these kids ARE smart....but they're also not really "kids" anymore.  Mine is 24, so older than yours, but 18 is still getting to be nearly adult (legally she IS one.....) so I do understand.  My daughter also has anxiety disorder, diagnosed.  She called me yesterday telling me her anxiety level is so high she doesn't know how to function......also told me it's my fault.  I felt empathy until that last part came out of her mouth, then told her I love her, to remember to breathe, and to try to find a doctor who might be able to help her find solutions.  It is so much better for my own state of well-being to keep a neutral posture with her (excepting the loving her piece, of course).  Being able to calmly suggest she seek help on her own is good for both of us: for me because I can stay grounded and centered without taking on the role of "fixer" or problem solver, and for her because I believe it's important for her to feel empowered to be able to find her own solutions (in a healthy way).  Yes - the mental health part  IS extremely hard.....but thank GOD we all have each other here.  Thank you for helping me to feel less alone today! And hugs to you.

Momnthefog - *thank you*.  Your virtual hugs are SO appreciated, as are your kind words of support.  I really hope I can hold this one important boundary for myself.  January 15th seems so far away, and yet so soon. 

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #31 on: December 04, 2016, 08:37:33 AM »
I left out a critical piece of information in my previous post....my mother also said in her text, "You're not welcome at my house."  It was THAT remark that was my wakeup call that my mother is not going to show me a drop of kindness.  I'm relieved this morning.....it's a new day.

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momnthefog

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #32 on: December 05, 2016, 09:26:57 AM »
Falling Up,

I'm so sorry that your mother reacted that way and for the relationship you have with her.

I've only come to understand in the past few years just how toxic my own relationship is with my mother.   It's as though life has come full circle.  It's so true that the sins of the father (or mother) are felt for generations.

It's a difficult thing when a daughter just wants to be seen by her mother.  And the mother responds with contempt. 

Many hugs for you friend.  You are not alone.

 :bighug:

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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bopper

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #33 on: December 06, 2016, 01:09:20 PM »
You may want to talk to a lawyer about giving her formal notice now about moving out...let's say Jan 15 rolls around and she refused to leave, or "needs to look for an apartment", or "needs to save for rent"...then to get law enforcement involved you may have to serve and eviction notice and that may be 30 days  or 60 days in advance of when they would have to leave.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #34 on: December 20, 2016, 10:19:50 AM »
I'm not there yet.....the "long arm of the law" is extremely scary to my daughter, and while I definitely feel the need for strong boundaries, this is not one I'm willing to pursue. Yet.  When she was very young, and a contrary little soul, her NPD father used to parent her with threats. For example, "If you don't brush your teeth I'm going to call the dentist and he's going to pull them all out."  Or, one of my favorites, "If you don't eat those peas, I'm calling the police and they will take you away to jail, and that's all they serve in jail: peas."  When I finally made the decision to divorce him, he showed up at the house in the middle of the work day after being served with divorce papers (at that point he had an apartment in a large city 2 hours away, where he also worked).  He stormed into the house, terrifying both me and her (she was 11), and began to abuse her both verbally and physically when she refused to get in the car with him.  This incident ended up in a call to my attorney, who heard both my daughter's screams and his threats, which included calling the police to have her taken away ("You will NEVER see your mother or your cat or this house or ME ever, ever again."  Direct quote).  My attorney immediately drafted a request for an order of protection for my daughter, which went into effect the next day.  We went into hiding until the OP went into effect.  He broke the order 3 times before the divorce was complete.  The impact on my daughter was substantial: a total disrespect for the law, anything legal, and a terror of the police which in her illness she directs outward in the form of anger and defiance when confronted with them.  I often feel that her issues with driving and receiving so many tickets are a weird psychological way of proving to herself that she's brave - a deep-rooted, and utterly subconscious way of confronting her deepest fears.....so no, the police and any sort of order would not be appropriate for me at this time.  I am putting my faith in the fact that her boyfriend is really a great guy, and also the fact that she has been here at the house very little in the last few months.  The clear boundaries I've put in place are so far being respected, although not without verbal complaint.  I'm really trying hard to find peace and joy in the upcoming holidays, which are a notoriously difficult time of year for me.  And then, I will see what transpires afterward. 

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Badmom

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #35 on: January 01, 2017, 10:32:20 PM »
Hi falling up. First of I would like to say, I do NOT think your crazy! I have a 26 year old son with BPD and sociopathic traits, he is married to a woman with BPD and a lot of other issues, my sister had BPD and atypical depression, my aunt has BPD, so I am fairly familiar with the condition although honestly still don't fully understand it. The main thing I wanted to share with you is that my sister was a nightmare for our family until her mid 30s, like your daughter she was a genius and at that time decided to seriously go to college, started going to therapy and meetings and she did have a lot of improvements in her behavior although she was always BPD. I attended codependents anonymous meetings as well as al-anon (even though I didn't grow up with alcoholic parents) they helped me considerably. Perhaps that's something that would help you? Don't give up it dwell to much on the negative, believe it will get better, I do 😂

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #36 on: February 15, 2017, 10:24:51 PM »
Well, she's out......and it has been hard, and wonderful, and frustrating, and anxiety-ridden.....I miss her good moments, I do NOT miss the intense moodiness, the blame heaped on me for any and every little thing that goes wrong for her......but I am enjoying the peace, at least for now, as long as it lasts.  I will keep you posted should anything transpire...but for now - ahhhhhh - all quiet on *every* front!

Badmom, thank you for the recommendations.......I think I'm good.  I am the product of an NPD mom, an NPD ex husband, and I'm the scapegoat.  I've been through enough counseling to know what is my responsibility, and to understand codependency intimately (and also how to deal with my own tendencies for same).  I don't mean to sound "know it all", or defensive in any way......I only find that the most important thing I can do for myself is to trust *me*, after a long time in counseling, and even if I make mistakes, at least I've made them for myself, I can learn from them, make amends if needed, and move forward.  I've recently become intrigued by what I think I'm seeing as a crossover between very bright people and PD's.  My NPD ex is extremely bright, also has sociopathic tendencies (also BPD), my NPD mom is extremely bright, my BPD daughter - bright.....I'm in no way a scientist, but I do know the risks of anecdotal evidence, which my utterly non-scientific observation certainly is.  I only wonder......

Anyway, I will update as it all unfolds.....for now, as I said - PEACE.

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momnthefog

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #37 on: February 16, 2017, 09:40:51 AM »
FallingUp,

This was a huge step for you.  Setting the boundary and holding her to it.

Now to continue to hold the boundary.

I found that it took months-years to start feeling a sense of calm.

That calm is still rocked by the middle of the night txt....but there is more calm than not these days.

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Mama02

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #38 on: May 18, 2017, 09:03:46 AM »
From one sad Mom to another......
I am new on this site (as of today) and not certain if this is how things work but, I read your post and wanted you to know while I can't offer you any advice, I can sympathize with you as I am in a very similar situation with my daughter.
My daughter is 23. While not brilliant, she is extremely smart and artistic. She was raised in a loving home, in church, with morals and wonderful examples. Thinking back, her issues started around middle school but, we just assumed it was an overly dramatic teen. By high school, there were noticeable issues and thus started the downhill spiral of our lives. After many faked illnesses and various other means to get out of going to school, we started her in counseling. Her counselor quit her because she refused to do anything to help herself. And this pattern was repeated for years. By the grace of God, she finally graduated HS, with offers from universities for several scholarships. But, the only scholarship that she was remotely interested in was a private school three and half hours away. The only way she could attend this school was to keep her scholarships. The first semester she slept all day and either partied or posted on social media all night and was put on academic suspension. The second semester she promised us she would do better so we made the horrible mistake of cosigning for her school loans. Did the same thing the second semester and we brought her home. She registered at one of our local state schools, signed the loan papers, went one day and never went back. For five years it has been a repeat of her starting, failing, or dropping out of schools.
     She will not work, she sleeps all day and posts on social media all night. She cannot keep a relationship with anyone....male or female. She has not one friend and trust me when I say, she truly believes she does nothing wrong. She is always the victim. You cannot talk to her. Her views are so distorted I cannot even wrap my head around it. She is so cruel. And of course, we, the parents, have been made to look like the most evil creatures on the planet. Everything that she does somehow becomes our fault. She of course lives with us because she will not work or try to become a functioning adult. Everything, I mean everything, is posted on social media. It is her only friend. She lives for it. It consumes her life. If a thought comes into her head, it is posted. It is out there for the world to see. It is a nightmare. We have to disconnect our internet every night in order to keep her from creating havoc.  I live in H!!! 24/7. 
   

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Misshoney

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #39 on: June 05, 2017, 06:33:00 PM »
I'm new to this site today. And I am in tears. Tears for myself, tears for my bpd 17 year old daughter and tears for all of you. I'm at the beginning of this and I already feel depleted. Trying so hard to stay positive. Thank you all for sharing your stories. At least I know I'm not alone.

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momnthefog

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #40 on: June 06, 2017, 02:46:52 PM »
Misshoney,

I hope you'll start a new thread and share your story.

You are not alone here in your grief, pain, and exhaustion.

Momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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bopper

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #41 on: June 09, 2017, 02:16:16 PM »
Mama02, just some thoughts:

Right now she is getting free room and board and it is working for her.
Have you told her that she does not have to go to college, you were only trying to help her have the best start in life...but it is her life.
Since she has made the choice not to go to college, then it time for her to go live her life...and that means moving out.
You could give her a time frame to move out.

If you really think she cannot do it on her own, have  you worked with yoru State Office of Disabilities to get her placed in an independent living situation?
Or see if she could live with another relative in exchange for helping them around the house or something?

Also here is an article called "Is Facebook Luring you into being depressed?" I wonder if it has insights into your daughter.
 http://nautil.us/issue/31/Stress/is-facebook-luring-you-into-being-depressed
« Last Edit: June 09, 2017, 02:56:02 PM by bopper »
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #42 on: June 30, 2017, 07:50:33 AM »
I figured it was time I checked in again.......I really want to say a HUGE "thank you" to all of you who have shared your story, and who have supported me so kindly and gently......I am often not so kind or gentle with myself.  Mama02, I *really* resonate with your story......my daughter has issues with social media as well....it's her weapon of choice when it comes to any issues in her life.  Like you, I raised my daughter with love and care.....she attended church and Sunday School, and had a wide community of which she was a part.  And like your daughter, mine is *always* the victim, *never* responsible for her own words and actions.  There are days I feel like she's learning, and I can breathe.  And then there are those other days......

By way of a brief update, she is still out of the house, still managing herself.  My understanding from the little I can glean from her, and the sporadic communication from her bf (who I like very much, by the way), is that she has her good phases and her bad ones.  What triggers the bad ones?  People from work, me texting "I love you" with the wrong "tone" (even those three words alone can trigger her, so I don't text her much at all....which ALSO causes a problem).....*anything* she translates as being against her becomes her "raison d'etre".....  In many ways I'm proud of my daughter - she is gainfully employed, is absolutely a hard worker (although I wonder sometimes if this, too, is an addiction of hers), and does have a relationship with a really nice young guy.  She is also managing to live away from home. I don't say "on her own" because she's with her boyfriend so she's not really on her own.  I worry about her financial situation, because she has creditors, and debt, but I remind myself that that's not my problem.  It's hers - self-created, and hers to fix if she chooses.  For me this is a gigantic exercise in letting go.  There is relief in this process, but also moments of intense worry.  I'm her mother, after all.....and the role of "mother" doesn't change, only how that role works in our children's lives.  So it's a process I'm in, and will continue to be in, for the rest of my life.  And I've resolved that I will navigate it with my own mental and physical health protected at all costs.  After all, that old phrase "put on your own oxygen mask first" keeps popping up in my head.....in order to best support my child, no matter how old she gets, I need to first support myself.

*Thank you ALL* again for your kindness and insights.  I value both greatly.  There is courage and healing in sharing one's story.  Please keep sharing.  It helps us ALL to feel less alone.

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nightbird2012

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #43 on: July 06, 2017, 08:44:04 PM »
I have read all of these posts with an ache in my heart that it has to be this way.  We love our beautiful daughters, in so many cases I read that they are not only lovely but intelligent.  And this ugly illness smashes lives; both theirs and ours.  When she calls to tell me that she is hungry or being evicted into the streets yet again, I want to hold her and tell her it will be alright.  But she has made these choices and fights hard to hold onto them even though she is destroying herself and anyone who is unwise to offer help.  :'(

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Inconsolable

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #44 on: July 07, 2017, 03:43:41 PM »
My daughter trashed two of my homes (one was a rental home of mine that she ended up living in after I rescued her (pregnant) from a homeless hostel.  Her leaving home (mostly because she now has a little child) didn't see the end if it.  In fact it was (again because of the child and her attitude towards it) and boy the beginning.  Since then I have had to step in financially, emotionally and physically for the child's sake, with no real support from the authorities.  There is nothing left of me but I couldn't let a baby/toddler suffer however after 3 years of taking it on the chin, rescuing my grand daughter, bailing her out with thousands, taking abuse, baiting and blaming (amongst just a few) In short going through hell, she has played her Political Candidate card to hurt me by saying I am not a responsible adult and I can't see my grand child anymore.  Beware her leaving may not mean peace but I hope for you it does.  For me it has turned out to be a more painful thing .  I wish you well.  I am currently seeking therapy to find the strength I have lost over 10years of daughter hell.