Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter

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chowder

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #20 on: October 22, 2016, 04:06:31 AM »
Falling Up - I, too, have a brilliant adult daughter who has behavioral issues.  She lives out of state and, while I look forward to our visits, something always happens where she overreacts and blames me for everything, and the interaction takes a downward turn. 

When she was in high school, she was in counseling - but unfortunately she still went ahead and beat me up the time I refused to give her the car keys.   She had just been rejected on one of her college applications, and was hysterical and in no condition to drive.  I was being a responsible parent.  She threw me up against kitchen counters, slammed me in the stomach sending me to the floor, and my head was put in the sink.   When she cornered me in the closet, I finally gave in to her demands for the car keys.  Then I called the cops.  (She had a history of despicable behavior towards me and my husband, her dad, for a very long time.)

She was arrested, went through pretrial intervention, and had to report monthly to her probation officer.  Through all this, she managed to graduate in the top 20 of her class out of a student body of 500+.  She is very smart and was able to work through the distractions and missed school time.

Through her high school years, her behavior had been deplorable.  Though if you were to meet her, she would charm you and you would think there was something wrong with me.  Much later, I found out lies that she told her friends and their parents, to make us parents look like the bad guys and to garner sympathy for her.  She told people her dad was hardly around and traveled a lot.  The truth is, he was fully retired and home every single day.   She painted a false picture of a poor home life to the outside world. 

She is now living on her own and not in counseling.  She has had to deal with issues on her own two feet, where before she would blame us and find a way to avoid dealing with things in life.  Our relationship is better with the distance, and I am thankful to not be in the position of convenient scapegoat.  As it is, sometimes when I do the right thing and encourage her on something, and then if it doesn't work out, she throws my words back at me.   I have to be careful now, even how I phrase my support.

As for my being beat up by my own daughter, I can't put into words the feeling of betrayal and a hurt that I didn't know could go so deep.  It never, ever leaves you.  Our relationship has never been the same as it once was, and it has changed who I am and, indeed, my interactions in my marriage.  I mourn the daughter I once knew when she was little.  And I am gentler with the person I have now become.

And just yesterday, I have ordered the book about setting boundaries with adult children by Allison Bottke - I suspect it will be my go-to book for a long time.  This will always be a work in progress, and I welcome any help that is available.

You are not alone.  You are doing the right thing by setting boundaries.  You need to do that for your own soul.  Be good to yourself first.

Sending you hugs,
Chowder


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Sunshine days

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #21 on: October 22, 2016, 05:28:49 AM »
Hello Sad mom, You are not crazy! So sorry you have been through this but you still have a handle on it , maybe your daughter will change and reflect on the good things you have done . The way I see it is my n/m made my sibling bpd because of the way she treated everyone so differently , me being the sg ( dumping ground). maybe you was the sg in your family of origin and during that time of your recovery as you say you have worked hard on becoming emotionally healthy. Maybe it was in that time your daughter started to develop bpd, when did she develop it? I think now I am recovered my own daughter has similar traits and I wonder is it because my own husband never emotionally supported her, he flares up and had no patience. So while I wanted to talk things out emotionally when they where younger he stopped all that by jumping in with his mood swings as he can't take it when it gets heated , u get shut up and on the last shout of shut up its pure anger. So she's picked up that tait and while I am giving kind and good I get dumped on again. So I have had to get strong and stick up for myself, maybe you didn't get the parenting of your parents to pass it down so we get treated as though they are the mom over us as we weren't there at a time we should of been because we where healing. I know it's all so complicated and love hungry as everyone pulls against each other . I have learned to keep being nice no matter how much it hurts me and then I give her a part of me that is whole and we all move forward and in the process I tell her what I am not putting up with . Hugs x

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #22 on: October 22, 2016, 02:55:29 PM »
I've been learning more and more lately to trust my intuition, and it is my intuition that told me to log in here today....and lo, and behold, here are new posts (some from today!).  I continue to be so grateful for this forum - for the parents who share here, and who support what I'm going through, and who help me to feel less alone.  Lately I've been thinking about the similarities to the situations of others here - there seems to be a theme of narcissism that coordinates with having a BPD child. In my case, my exhusband is NPD (heavily suspected by both my therapist and my daughter's, since he doesn't believe he requires therapy, and since they have never met him in person so diagnosis is precluded).  Our daughter was treated as a commodity in our marriage and throughout the divorce process.  She was used as a bludgeon with which to beat me emotionally, and when that didn't work, he did it directly to her - literally.  I requested and received an order of protection for her, regarding her father, when she was 12, and it remained in place until she was 18.  Our custody agreement involved limited visitation in a public place, every other Saturday, to which he was notoriously late or missed altogether.  During this time our daughter was heavily involved with horses and riding, had a stable of friends both equine and human at the barn, and I will say that this was the single saving grace of her life during an extremely trying time for both her and me.  It was unbelievably difficult to try to keep her out of the middle of difficulties between her father and me. Any time a discussion was had regarding dividing assets, selling the house, etc, he brought her custody into the equation like her life was a bargaining chip.  And she knew it - not because I told her, but because she's smart, and she knows how her father operates.  She's intuitive, extremely sensitive, and at that time terribly vulnerable.  I look back on that time and know that the damage inflicted on her is what tipped the scales into her mental issues now.  I ponder the genetic component to mental illness (especially BPD, NPD, etc), and what is situational and what is inherent to who someone is.  My thoughts and feelings have been different these last few weeks - less personalized and inward, and more curious and intellectual.

My daughter is still here in the house, although not here a whole lot.  She's still with her very nice boyfriend, and she stays at his house much of the time.  She is in yet ANOTHER job - but this time she seems to enjoy it, and we shall see how long it lasts.  She has been away for the last week on a trip with him, and I have been SO peaceful.  It is a glimpse into how my life will look when she moves out - and I am exerting pressure for that to happen when she returns from her trip.  No more pussyfooting - it's time for her to fly.  I have reached my "done" point.  I will let you know how it goes - there is bound to be a blowup.  I know she will end up driving dangerously and get more tickets. I know she will lose her temper, but I'm ready and prepared.  I'm not weak, and she knows it.  Please send me your good thoughts - I will need them, strong though I feel at this moment!  I'm sending you all the same - with more gratitude for all of your support.

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Sunshine days

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #23 on: October 22, 2016, 05:21:02 PM »
So was you the sg? Where does it all stem from?

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #24 on: November 03, 2016, 09:25:11 AM »
I apologize......I am not well versed on terminology or acronyms. I don't know what sg is! I can answer if I'm enlightened. I CAN tell you that I was the codependent, I was gaslighted, I was raised by an NPD mother to whom I was the scapegoat, and years of counseling with a really talented professional helped me learn to set healthy boundaries and learn healthy responses to unhealthy situations. The best eye opener was my daughter. When she was little it was readily apparent that her dad did not have parenting skills, from the littlest ability to help her feel safe to healthy foods to give her. It's long and involved and too much for here but I would definitely like to know what sg stands for!  :blush:

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bopper

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #25 on: November 03, 2016, 10:34:33 AM »
SG=Scape goat

Scapegoating - Singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame.
http://outofthefog.website/glossary/#S
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #26 on: November 03, 2016, 05:51:42 PM »
Well there it is! Yes - I was the sg in my family of origin. My father passed away when I was 25, and he was my protector. Since his death 27 years ago and since my divorce, I have gone no contact with them. My mother is local to me, a well known business owner in our very small town, and I caused a scandal when I did not attend her huge 80th birthday party last summer. It was never made public, except by me when asked, that I wasn't invited! Some of what has happened with my daughter has been at their hands - my older sister and brother in particular - and that, combined with the disaster that was her parents' dysfunction was really the perfect psychological storm for her mental health. Understanding how it happened has helped enormously for me, but it doesn't change the sadness that creeps in when I recall the beautiful young child she used to be, or my own role in that system. I miss her.

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #27 on: December 01, 2016, 11:22:30 PM »
I'm re-reading the comments to my initial  post tonight....just in need of feeling less alone.  I wanted to say another "thank you" for all of the support I've received from my introduction.  This forum has been a godsend for me.  A brief update regarding my daughter: She's still in her job, but still having money issues, still having horrific outbursts of anger, still has the same nice boyfriend (although I worry about the day it falls apart), she's still the same.  I've had to set a deadline regarding her staying here.  She has been told that she needs to be out by January 15th.  It is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life.  And the boundary will be SO hard for me to keep.  I'm terrified - for her, for me, for the future......and on top of it all, the holidays are here, faster than I expected, and not anything I feel like dealing with.  I'll get through them, and then it will be her leaving time.  I came here tonight to remind myself that I'm not alone, that there are kind people in the world who get it, and that I can get through this.

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momnthefog

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #28 on: December 02, 2016, 06:33:13 AM »
FallingUp,

Thanks for checking in.  No you are not alone.  Launching these kids/young adults/adults is terrifying.  We have life experiences and we know how hard it can be.  But it is the right thing for you and for her.  Its always possible that this will be the catalyst that allows her to realize she needs some help.  And to find those resources on her own.

My own BPDd is now in mid 20s.  She has a child and maintains a job.  She is high functioning, but still drama surrounds her life.  When she moved out, it took a few months for me to get used to the silence.  It was in many ways a detox.  The detox took far longer than a few months, it took years.   There's a great deal of toxicity in a PD relationship.  It's not uncommon when a drama filled/toxic relationship changes for the more healthy of the two partners/parent to crave the drama.   Our lives and body have become so attuned to the drama/trauma and chemical changes associated with arguing/stress that we can crave it on a deep level, even though we hate it.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

You are NOT alone.

 :bighug:

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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christyjayk

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #29 on: December 02, 2016, 10:32:17 PM »
Thank you for sharing. Your not alone. I just wish I knew what to do. My step-daughter is 18 dx. BPD and anxiety disorder who dropped out of high school last year- she was high honor roll.  We have five kids in a blended family and only one without a dx. but the mental health part is sooo hard to get a handle on because these kids are so darned smart.

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #30 on: December 03, 2016, 11:51:48 AM »
Yesterday I had a burst of anxiety.  It's still hanging on.  I just returned from a walk, which sometimes helps, but today did not.  I also did something I did NOT anticipate - I broke long-term NC with my undiagnosed NPD mother by texting her, wishing her a belated happy Thanksgiving, and asking if she'd like to get together.  When she texted me back, she said "Just say when and where, and we will do it."  So I suggested her house, tomorrow, all the while wondering what I would say once I got there.  I can say that I'm relieved after receiving her answer this morning (she was likely checking in with my abusive older brother to ask him what she should say, which is why it took so long for her to respond....a pattern for them): "I will meet you at ________ [local, very public and busy restaurant] during your lunch break from work on Monday."  I responded by saying I don't get a break long enough to take a restaurant lunch, and not to worry about it, I just wanted to say "hi".  No response from her since, and I'm honestly glad.  I *think* I was looking for some sort of comfort, but how in the world I thought she would be able to provide it is beyond me.  It's an important reminder that I went NC for very good reasons, and that I wish to remain NC moving forward.  Lesson learned.  I am SO appreciative of the continued support regarding my feeling alone.  I know the pitfalls and traps of these unhealthy relationships - it's just that "knowing" and "feeling" are two different animals.  I'm mad at myself because I broke my own boundary with my mother, all the while knowing that there's a very good lesson in it for me, and also that why I did it was based on the desire for connections, which is not altogether an unhealthy thing.  On the positive side, I'm not devastated as I would have been 10 years ago, so that's progress!  :blush:

Christyjayk, hang in there......yes, these kids ARE smart....but they're also not really "kids" anymore.  Mine is 24, so older than yours, but 18 is still getting to be nearly adult (legally she IS one.....) so I do understand.  My daughter also has anxiety disorder, diagnosed.  She called me yesterday telling me her anxiety level is so high she doesn't know how to function......also told me it's my fault.  I felt empathy until that last part came out of her mouth, then told her I love her, to remember to breathe, and to try to find a doctor who might be able to help her find solutions.  It is so much better for my own state of well-being to keep a neutral posture with her (excepting the loving her piece, of course).  Being able to calmly suggest she seek help on her own is good for both of us: for me because I can stay grounded and centered without taking on the role of "fixer" or problem solver, and for her because I believe it's important for her to feel empowered to be able to find her own solutions (in a healthy way).  Yes - the mental health part  IS extremely hard.....but thank GOD we all have each other here.  Thank you for helping me to feel less alone today! And hugs to you.

Momnthefog - *thank you*.  Your virtual hugs are SO appreciated, as are your kind words of support.  I really hope I can hold this one important boundary for myself.  January 15th seems so far away, and yet so soon. 

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #31 on: December 04, 2016, 08:37:33 AM »
I left out a critical piece of information in my previous post....my mother also said in her text, "You're not welcome at my house."  It was THAT remark that was my wakeup call that my mother is not going to show me a drop of kindness.  I'm relieved this morning.....it's a new day.

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momnthefog

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #32 on: December 05, 2016, 09:26:57 AM »
Falling Up,

I'm so sorry that your mother reacted that way and for the relationship you have with her.

I've only come to understand in the past few years just how toxic my own relationship is with my mother.   It's as though life has come full circle.  It's so true that the sins of the father (or mother) are felt for generations.

It's a difficult thing when a daughter just wants to be seen by her mother.  And the mother responds with contempt. 

Many hugs for you friend.  You are not alone.

 :bighug:

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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bopper

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #33 on: December 06, 2016, 01:09:20 PM »
You may want to talk to a lawyer about giving her formal notice now about moving out...let's say Jan 15 rolls around and she refused to leave, or "needs to look for an apartment", or "needs to save for rent"...then to get law enforcement involved you may have to serve and eviction notice and that may be 30 days  or 60 days in advance of when they would have to leave.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #34 on: December 20, 2016, 10:19:50 AM »
I'm not there yet.....the "long arm of the law" is extremely scary to my daughter, and while I definitely feel the need for strong boundaries, this is not one I'm willing to pursue. Yet.  When she was very young, and a contrary little soul, her NPD father used to parent her with threats. For example, "If you don't brush your teeth I'm going to call the dentist and he's going to pull them all out."  Or, one of my favorites, "If you don't eat those peas, I'm calling the police and they will take you away to jail, and that's all they serve in jail: peas."  When I finally made the decision to divorce him, he showed up at the house in the middle of the work day after being served with divorce papers (at that point he had an apartment in a large city 2 hours away, where he also worked).  He stormed into the house, terrifying both me and her (she was 11), and began to abuse her both verbally and physically when she refused to get in the car with him.  This incident ended up in a call to my attorney, who heard both my daughter's screams and his threats, which included calling the police to have her taken away ("You will NEVER see your mother or your cat or this house or ME ever, ever again."  Direct quote).  My attorney immediately drafted a request for an order of protection for my daughter, which went into effect the next day.  We went into hiding until the OP went into effect.  He broke the order 3 times before the divorce was complete.  The impact on my daughter was substantial: a total disrespect for the law, anything legal, and a terror of the police which in her illness she directs outward in the form of anger and defiance when confronted with them.  I often feel that her issues with driving and receiving so many tickets are a weird psychological way of proving to herself that she's brave - a deep-rooted, and utterly subconscious way of confronting her deepest fears.....so no, the police and any sort of order would not be appropriate for me at this time.  I am putting my faith in the fact that her boyfriend is really a great guy, and also the fact that she has been here at the house very little in the last few months.  The clear boundaries I've put in place are so far being respected, although not without verbal complaint.  I'm really trying hard to find peace and joy in the upcoming holidays, which are a notoriously difficult time of year for me.  And then, I will see what transpires afterward. 

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Badmom

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #35 on: January 01, 2017, 10:32:20 PM »
Hi falling up. First of I would like to say, I do NOT think your crazy! I have a 26 year old son with BPD and sociopathic traits, he is married to a woman with BPD and a lot of other issues, my sister had BPD and atypical depression, my aunt has BPD, so I am fairly familiar with the condition although honestly still don't fully understand it. The main thing I wanted to share with you is that my sister was a nightmare for our family until her mid 30s, like your daughter she was a genius and at that time decided to seriously go to college, started going to therapy and meetings and she did have a lot of improvements in her behavior although she was always BPD. I attended codependents anonymous meetings as well as al-anon (even though I didn't grow up with alcoholic parents) they helped me considerably. Perhaps that's something that would help you? Don't give up it dwell to much on the negative, believe it will get better, I do 😂

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Falling Up

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #36 on: February 15, 2017, 10:24:51 PM »
Well, she's out......and it has been hard, and wonderful, and frustrating, and anxiety-ridden.....I miss her good moments, I do NOT miss the intense moodiness, the blame heaped on me for any and every little thing that goes wrong for her......but I am enjoying the peace, at least for now, as long as it lasts.  I will keep you posted should anything transpire...but for now - ahhhhhh - all quiet on *every* front!

Badmom, thank you for the recommendations.......I think I'm good.  I am the product of an NPD mom, an NPD ex husband, and I'm the scapegoat.  I've been through enough counseling to know what is my responsibility, and to understand codependency intimately (and also how to deal with my own tendencies for same).  I don't mean to sound "know it all", or defensive in any way......I only find that the most important thing I can do for myself is to trust *me*, after a long time in counseling, and even if I make mistakes, at least I've made them for myself, I can learn from them, make amends if needed, and move forward.  I've recently become intrigued by what I think I'm seeing as a crossover between very bright people and PD's.  My NPD ex is extremely bright, also has sociopathic tendencies (also BPD), my NPD mom is extremely bright, my BPD daughter - bright.....I'm in no way a scientist, but I do know the risks of anecdotal evidence, which my utterly non-scientific observation certainly is.  I only wonder......

Anyway, I will update as it all unfolds.....for now, as I said - PEACE.

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momnthefog

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #37 on: February 16, 2017, 09:40:51 AM »
FallingUp,

This was a huge step for you.  Setting the boundary and holding her to it.

Now to continue to hold the boundary.

I found that it took months-years to start feeling a sense of calm.

That calm is still rocked by the middle of the night txt....but there is more calm than not these days.

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Mama02

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #38 on: May 18, 2017, 09:03:46 AM »
From one sad Mom to another......
I am new on this site (as of today) and not certain if this is how things work but, I read your post and wanted you to know while I can't offer you any advice, I can sympathize with you as I am in a very similar situation with my daughter.
My daughter is 23. While not brilliant, she is extremely smart and artistic. She was raised in a loving home, in church, with morals and wonderful examples. Thinking back, her issues started around middle school but, we just assumed it was an overly dramatic teen. By high school, there were noticeable issues and thus started the downhill spiral of our lives. After many faked illnesses and various other means to get out of going to school, we started her in counseling. Her counselor quit her because she refused to do anything to help herself. And this pattern was repeated for years. By the grace of God, she finally graduated HS, with offers from universities for several scholarships. But, the only scholarship that she was remotely interested in was a private school three and half hours away. The only way she could attend this school was to keep her scholarships. The first semester she slept all day and either partied or posted on social media all night and was put on academic suspension. The second semester she promised us she would do better so we made the horrible mistake of cosigning for her school loans. Did the same thing the second semester and we brought her home. She registered at one of our local state schools, signed the loan papers, went one day and never went back. For five years it has been a repeat of her starting, failing, or dropping out of schools.
     She will not work, she sleeps all day and posts on social media all night. She cannot keep a relationship with anyone....male or female. She has not one friend and trust me when I say, she truly believes she does nothing wrong. She is always the victim. You cannot talk to her. Her views are so distorted I cannot even wrap my head around it. She is so cruel. And of course, we, the parents, have been made to look like the most evil creatures on the planet. Everything that she does somehow becomes our fault. She of course lives with us because she will not work or try to become a functioning adult. Everything, I mean everything, is posted on social media. It is her only friend. She lives for it. It consumes her life. If a thought comes into her head, it is posted. It is out there for the world to see. It is a nightmare. We have to disconnect our internet every night in order to keep her from creating havoc.  I live in H!!! 24/7. 
   

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Misshoney

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Re: Sad Mom to Adult BPD Daughter
« Reply #39 on: June 05, 2017, 06:33:00 PM »
I'm new to this site today. And I am in tears. Tears for myself, tears for my bpd 17 year old daughter and tears for all of you. I'm at the beginning of this and I already feel depleted. Trying so hard to stay positive. Thank you all for sharing your stories. At least I know I'm not alone.