"Stepmonsters" by Wednesday Martin

[practical]

Being the stepmother of by now two adult children and having a good relationship with one, while a basically nonexistent to strained relationship to the other due to parental alienation from her F which included me, I found this book validating and helpful.

It deals with the myth of super stepmom who loves her children beyond and above as well as the myth of the evil stepmom (the last few pages are actually dedicated to what one could learn from the evil stepmother stereotype: detaching, boundaries for example). It names real problems: from the loyalty questions faced by the children, difficult ex-wives', the father of the stepchildren not being supportive of his new wife, the anger, disrespect expressed by the stepchildren in many subtle and not so subtle ways, the outsider role of the stepparent and much more. It made me feel less lonely to know that my reality was one experienced by others, and that it might be okay to just accept it instead of trying forever to fit a round peg into a square hole.

The book does not deal with PDs, the focus is stepmothers and their experiences. I sometimes wished I had known more about the make-up of the families like relationship between the parents, age of kids at divorce ... it might have been too much for this book and this is a minor issue. I do wish I had had this book available to me when I became a stepmother, I think it would mainly have helped DH and me navigate some of the issues better. Therapists we sought out for help were useless, and so I want to share a resource mentioned in this book, where you can find a list of therapists with knowledge of stepfamilies and their special dynamics: http://www.stepfamilies.info

It was thought provoking for me, let to a number of good discussions with DH, and has given both of us a better perspective of what the future might hold in store for us, and how we want to shape this future.

[Coyote23]

This book was a life preserver to me when I was drowning in the FOG of being a stepmother.

It was so liberating to be told that it's normal for stepchildren and stepparents to not love one another! That it's not my fault if they don't like me! That it's ok to disengage!

I used to be on the forums for Stepmom magazine. After that imploded I found a small group of stepmoms and we created a very small support group online. We have become such a support for each other and have become very close, flying across the country to see one another. I hope you have the opportunity to find more. Just like being an ACON, people who have never had stepchildren have no idea what it's like to be in a blended family. We receive the same sort of misguided advice "you knew what you were getting into!" "just love them more!" "Treat them all the same!" (sounds like "No parents are perfect! you just have to get over it! It's your parent!")

I hope you get the chance to find your stepmom sisters if you haven't-we are out there and we get it!

Currently my situation with my PD parents is so enormous it's eclipsed my blended family stuff. Re-contacting NDad after NC and seeing he had no desire to work on the relationship was actually a huge lightbulb moment where I realized my SS11 showed more love and caring and willingness to work on the relationship than my father. But before that, about 6 years ago I was a mess and required EMDR therapy to get over anger issues relating to DS' ex wife.

I'm so glad the book has brought some validation, help, and better discussions with your DH. I hope it brought you relief. I haven't found anything else like it out there but I did really like StepCoupling, if you haven't read it.

[SPinSC]

Wow, both great things!

Practical - I will look into that book, even though both my step-babies are grown. One thing I've found, stepkids ALWAYS appreciate a sincere apology for things that were done wrong when they were kids. And that's from BEING the step-kid as well as the step-Mom.

Coyote - I was probably a member of that step-mothering website.  I joined one shortly after marrying my uBPD husband. I was sad to hear some of the crazy stories going on in other houses - bio-mom sabotage, parental alienation and other horrid stuff. BUT, there were also lots like me who were working through it all as custodial stepmothers, learning to love our step-kids and succeeding where allowed.

What I found funny IME as a step child was that my own step-mother went from being perceived as a friend, ok lady, step-monster, then finally step-mommy. Part of her ability to get through the stepmonster phase was her persistence. She would not give up on offering us love. Even if we were rude back to her, she kept up HER part of the bargain and loved us as best she knew how. We respected, then loved her for that. We really love her as her own person, now!

I took that into my own marriage. My DSS really tested me on that. I kept it up. It is/was harder having a hateful stepchild right in my own home, but I didn't back down from it. He pushed my buttons. He pushed his father's buttons. He pushed his mothers buttons. Being consistent for him, never giving up, was a big part of my decision to NOT divorce his father until he was an adult. Now that he is an adult, we love and respect each other. Not out of obligation - he doesn't have to love me, in all honesty, I'm just some woman his Dad married. He chose to, and I chose to love him also. Because of that being a choice, we'll be kind to each other even after I divorce his Dad (if I ever do).

[practical]

Thanks! I found the book validating that even if you try with all your might, it might not work out and that that is okay. The other thing I found helpful to know is that these issues can get carried over into adulthood, loyalty conflicts and the like don't disappear when the stepchildren become adults necessarily.

The only stepmothers I ever met always seemed to have perfectly merged families, with stepkids and their own kids coming for holidays etc., I never even mentioned my difficulties. Never heard of the "Stepmom" magazine, I would have been a subscriber.

One thing I've found, stepkids ALWAYS appreciate a sincere apology for things that were done wrong when they were kids. And that's from BEING the step-kid as well as the step-Mom.

Done that, not sure it had an effect, too much parental alienation towards DH and even more towards me.

My motto is now, I'll be there if they want me, assuming my boundaries are respected, otherwise I'm focusing on my own life and detaching from any need to be loved by them. One actually does, the other one will have to work out her own conflicts if that will ever happen, and that is now her own as an adult to deal with.

Coyote23, I so understand how dealing with your PDparents and your miscarriages would have obliterated this topic and put it on the back burner. For me doing my Out of the FOG work with regard to uPDparents actually gave me the strength to look at this topic again and gain a much better understanding. I found the book just at the right time.