"Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed: A Guide to Coping..."

[all4peace]

by Nina W. Brown

I have found this book incredibly helpful. Not only does it describe the reasons an N could become more difficult (and it rarely uses the N word, instead using "self absorbed) with age, but it gives so many strategies for coping. While sometimes it seems like it's just our job to appease our parents, it explains the rationale so well that I can't help but feel like it's simply the wisest thing to do if we want to have any sort of relationship with our parents.

It always allows for our own values and ethics to come first, but teaches how to avoid unnecessary battles and instead handle our parents in a way that reduces conflict and creates a shallow, calmer relationship.

It gets as specific as suggesting avoiding prolonged eye contact to avoid "catching" their emotions.

I found it very, very helpful, especially as I come to fully realize that my NM may actually be an uNPD, and my local sibling and I try to figure out how to cope with her increasingly distressful behavior. Interestingly, my brother already does nearly everything in this book. I have thought him too compromising, but it seriously turns out that he intuitively knows how to handle our mother in a way that makes her happy and doesn't compromise his values. No wonder he's the GC

[Coyote23]

All4peace, thanks for the review. I read and liked the first book. It sounds like I need to read this one to deal with my aging PD mother. I still get tripped up in the flea of needing to be "right" and calling her out on everything. It's the result of years of gaslighting-if I call her out and she gives a vague or defensive or lying response , I know I'm not crazy. I'm sure I'd be happier if I could let go and just appease more.

[all4peace]

Ouch, I understand the urge. It's almost physically painful for me to stay silent while listening to someone else lie.

[Sunshine days]

All4peace, thanks for the review. I read and liked the first book. It sounds like I need to read this one to deal with my aging PD mother. I still get tripped up in the flea of needing to be "right" and calling her out on everything. It's the result of years of gaslighting-if I call her out and she gives a vague or defensive or lying response , I know I'm not crazy. I'm sure I'd be happier if I could let go and just appease more.
[/quote

DIDN'T YOU APPEASE HER WHEN YOU WAS A CHILD , IT'S NOT EASY WHEN THEY BEHAVIOUR LIKE THEY DO

[all4peace]

I don't remember my mom outright lying as a child. I remember her staying silent when to speak up would make her look bad. I remember her wildly exaggerating to have a good story, but I don't remember lies. i don't know if I was too naive to spot them or if this is new.

[Sunshine days]

Sounds like something you need to explore. Mine use to pit the siblings against each other so naughty narc would say one sibling had said this about me and I would believe it and those feelings would grow about the sibling and my memory would be stunted and she repeated the same thing all my life . I thought I was her special friend until I realised she was doing the same with others and how mentally ill she was to do it , I was horrified so yeah mine is very good at dragging the old story up and rewriting it. I could never get out of the past I wa sstuck in her time warp, now I live in the future with no contact . Going back would mean the same old story, old record. They just don't have morals like me

[blacksheep7]

Coyote 23
I still get tripped up in the flea of needing to be "right" and calling her out on everything. It's the result of years of gaslighting-if I call her out and she gives a vague or defensive or lying response , I know I'm not crazy. I'm sure I'd be happier if I could let go and just appease more.

That's me alright! I am NC, couldn't take it anymore. The gaslighting, the lies and coverups.

It's the like you said, it's all those years, seeing what she is really like.
The image that she tries to portray to others: Perfection, Kindness & Love.   

[Sunshine days]

They don't change black sheep , I haven't heard or seen mine for 4 months, she rings me the other day just to regurgitate the pattern  she needs me back in, nothing has changed with her and her stories. I have done a full circle of healing out of the karpman triangle , weird to see I am still not much further out of her drama but free in my mind , spirit and soul. Good luck

[blacksheep7]

Thanks Sunshine Days!
Mine called in October, thinking she would strike up a relationship with me again because I saw her a couple of times due to cousins who were here from Europe.
Well, when she called, I didn't answer, had nothing to say to her, not really interested to see her. She didn't leave a message. Called again the next day, same time, no message.  That woman can not talk, does not, always superficial. Never called again after that.
She described my younger sis as (easy) to our cousins.  Says it all!
My daughter had three miscarriages in a row, trying for her second child.  My mother never called her to congratulate her.  She's stuck in her old ways, thinking my daughter would have called her.
Thanks! And good for you to be free in your mind.  I have been having a bit of guilt but she told me straight out that she would, at her age, say what she wants.  So, I think of that, don't need that.
I'm working on my spirit and soul.  I have good days, bad days.
Take care!

[Sunshine days]

There a weird bunch black sheep, I did all my healing on my own and just at the end where I am feeling proud of myself , crying it out and identifying emotions was bloody hard work. I get guilt from time to time when I have emotion as though I am not allowed to have them. I always had to put my needs to one side to serve her so it's difficult feeling in control sometimes but I am happier which is good. I met a woman as well who has a narc mother that was a real bonus as I got my healing from here and a other close friend who knew the family but this means I am not crazy , we went out for lunch and i felt at home it made me feel I was normal and I was just me it was wonderful , she understood me completely and she was further along the path then me and gave me hope. Wishing you much health, happiness and healing xx

[blacksheep7]

Sunshine Days, your words give me hope because I am doing my healing on my own, not going to therapy, for once in my life. I'm reading self help books and  doing the work from that.  I also, like you, went to lunch with a childhood friend who knew my family well and finally spoke about the abuse. She too listened to me, did not question or doubt my story, just supported me.  Yes, that does feel good! 

[Sunshine days]

Good on you blacksheep7, When I started the healing I had to believe it and then my path unfolded , that little girl had to be nurtured, I am pleased to say she's a adult now . I met my best friend on the path who enlightened me and I never ever thought I would meet a daughter of a narc mother , it was a natural flow of healing at the right time and was suppose to be , now that validated everything I had ever learned and she congratulated me on working it out and that was a inspiration. It's a journey , you can do it alone it makes you stronger and you process things at your own time. The only downfall is its slower but you don't miss any of your healing . Always here to chat too

[malena65]

How to maintain contact with Narcissistic Parents as they age. The book gives very practical strategies on how to protect yourself and lay boundaries if you wish to keep in contact and be there for the parents as they age. The majority of the book is exercises so one to 'work through' rather than read in one go.

I dip in and out as it is time and emotion consuming. The author also recommends that distractions are sought as the book can strike many emotional cords.

I would not recommend it as a first book to gather information, it is for those of us who feel still want to keep contact with NDP as they age.

[malena65]

Children of the Ageing Self-Absorbed- A guide to coping with difficult, narcissistic parents and grandparents, Nina W Brown ePub ISBN 9781626252066

[Fiasco]

Is this more of a book or a workbook? I don't want to pay for the e-book if you need to have the paper version.

[all4peace]

Book, not workbook.