"The Parallel Process" by Krissy Pozatek - Not just for Parents - Tools for all

[hhaw]

Here are Cliff Notes mom2four put together on the book THE PARALLEL PROCESS by Krissy Pozatek.  Anyone interested can get an an idea what the book is about without having to read the entire thing, which is certainly worth the read, IME.  I think the tools are more about us, and not necessarily the difficult people we're dealing with.

I've read it once, and having these notes, right here and now,  is a very timely gift.

::nod::

Thanks mom2four: )

Notes as follow:

"Knowing others is intelligence;
Knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
Mastering yourself is true power."  - Tao Te Ching

The Entangled Parent (Background...the problem)
Parents' emotions have become so entangled with their child's behavior that it's impossible to sort out what the parent is feeling internally and what emotional reaction the parent is having to the child's behavior.

Parents often overcompensate for any deficiencies their child might have, and over-involvement can lead to enmeshment and codependency.  In this dynamic, it's extremely hard for adolescents to develop the internal resources necessary for confidence and resiliency in adult life: the ability to solve problems, to set goals, to work hard, to delay gratification, to motivate themselves, to regulate emotions, be disciplined and to uncover talents and potential.

What begins as a nurturing response, can escalate into entrenched parent-child patterns that can be hard for either the parent or child to shake.

When a child feels that a parent shares responsibility for a failure or for some kids, solely responsible, he doesn't feel the consequence of the failure and thus has no impetus for change.  Likewise, the child may never feel the reward of success.

This dependency on another person greatly interferes with a child's emotional development, sense of self, and personal autonomy, because she never truly feels she's done anything on her own.

Concepts such as building trust, earning privileges, working hard, developing character and charting their own life are difficult for children who feel entangled with their parents.

"Autonomy, not dependency, is always the goal of good parenting." (The Price of Privilege)

Adolescents need to become invested in their own life and not be rescued by their mother.  But parents have to allow their teens to figure out the problem on their own.  If parents continue to take ownership (feel guilty) of their adolescent and young adult children's problems, then the latter will continue to shirk responsibility for their own life.

Who is in charge of your child's happiness?  Not the parent.  Lasting happiness can only come from within the child through facing adversity and challenging oneself to achieve in life.

"Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy".  (Robert Heinlein)

 
Balanced Parenting
Equally important as satisfying the physical needs of children, however, is providing for their emotional and behavioral requirements.  In setting boundaries and attuning to a child's emotions parents often repeat the patterns of their own parent or swing to an opposing parenting philosophy.  What is essential is that parents balance behavioral boundaries with emotional attunement.

Boundaries
Boundaries are placed when parents decide a child has crossed the line.

Boundaries give kids choices.  When there's no escape or shortcut around a boundary, when the external circumstances are firm and intact, kids need to adapt internally, to develop their own resourcefulness and adjust their behavior.

It's more effective to establish boundaries clearly and authoritatively without involving emotions.  One shouldn't guilt trip the child, using a judgmental or critical tone of voice.

With a non-reactive approach kids won't get tangled up in Mom's or Dad's emotions.

It is often easier not to enforce boundaries because holding children accountable can create tension in the parent-child relationship; it is critical to note that this happens at the child's expense.

All of these small tensions of holding boundaries can keep a child on course developmentally because they reinforce self-management skills and individuation.

Attunement
Emotional attunement is mirroring back to a child that you see what they're feeling.

What kids want most is to be seen and heard by their parents.

In attuned communications, parents validate the child's emotions, internal reality, and sense of self.  Tuning-in requires identifying the emotion and reflecting it back, so the child feels seen and heard.

Parents unintentionally communicate that feelings aren't okay by trying to stifle them such as "Stop crying" or "Stop whining".  Instead parents can communicate two messages at once: "I want to understand what you're feeling, but it's very hard when you're whining and crying." Or "You sound sad I want to listen when you're calmer."

"It is (insert feeling/emotion) to (insert action), how do you think (complete question)?"

"Crying about it isn't helping, what would you like to do about it?"

"I want to understand what you're feeling, but it's very hard when you're whining and crying"

Validating an emotion means allowing your child to feel it.

When parents don't acknowledge fear, sadness, hurt and frustration in a child, and instead try to assuage or quell the emotion, they're interrupting their child's ability to solve their own problems.

Parents cannot give their child self-esteem.  They can promote its development through unconditional love while actively supporting real-life activities that allow for the opportunity to succeed and fail.

Internal feelings of happiness and esteem are achieved through struggle, hard work and reaching goals.

When kids are taught, compassionately, to stay with their emotions, they're given the opportunity to learn to regulate them, as opposed to being impulsive, overly reactive, or trying to escape them.

Video games and television are escaping the world and not engaging it.

Balanced Parenting
It is feasible to be emotionally attuned to your children while still maintaining boundaries and discipline

Many parents feel they are being "mean" when they impose a boundary or limit, and may parents intentionally steer away from limits, discipline, or simply saying "no".  Parents have an understandable fear of not wanting to create anxiety, guilt and shame in their child – something they may remember from their own childhood.  Yet it's essential for parents to separate out feelings and behavior, so their children receive consequences for poor behavior and not for their feelings and emotions.

Boundaries allow the parent to send the message "I'm going to hold you to a higher level of behavior because I know you're capable of it".

When parents rescue kids from limits, they're inadvertently saying "I know you need help, so I'll help you with your chore, homework, or whatever the expectation is.  I'm not sure if you're capable of doing this yourself".  In this way kids learn to depend upon the parent, rather than on themselves.

When children are raised without limits or behavioral boundaries, many lack drive, motivation, and internal control.  When kids learn that life is "easy" in the home while meeting constant impediments outside the home, chances are they won't successfully launch into adulthood.

Examples of boundaries are curfews (I care where you are), bed time (I care you get a good night sleep), respect (I want a healthy relationship with you), limited screen time (engage in the world don't escape it, and be a part of the family...look at what you are missing!)

The Fallacy of Self-Esteem Building

While parents cannot give their child self-esteem, no matter how hard they try, they can promote its development by showing unconditional love, while so actively supporting real-life activities that allow for the opportunity to succeed and fail.

Self-esteem has two key components, which mirror the premise of balanced parenting:
1.   Knowing you are loved for who you are regardless of what you do.  This is modeled in how your caregivers treat you and is learned from infancy on
2.   Feeling competent and achieving at tasks, gained through applying and engaging in real-world activities such as sports, school, music, art or other tasks in which problem-solving, independence, and autonomy are engaged.

Kids today are pushing for more freedom without the emotional maturity and parents are enabling this by providing children with freedom that should be earned rather than received through manipulation or entitlement.

Internal feelings of happiness and esteem are achieved through struggle, hard work, and reaching goals. 

The Parent Process
A parent needs to move into the role as listener in the relationship rather than fixer

"If our responses are intended to quickly fix a situation, we lose the opportunity to join with our children in a collaborative communication.  Also, trying to fix our children's problems does not give respect to their own ability to think and figure out solutions to their own difficulties."  –Daniel Siegel

Learn reflective listening:
•   Be present – begin by focusing on the person
•   Mirror/Validate – Reflect what you're observing/hearing and validate the feelings
•   Allow the child to problem-solve
•   Ask Questions
•   Keep the door open

Refrain from giving an opinion, do not insert your own ideas and opinions.  Adolescents will see this as a challenge to their individuality.

The minute the parent shares anything from his or her own perspective, it creates an opportunity for the child to oppose the parent (which happens easily of the child is angry), or look more actively to the parent to solve the issue.

The parent inserting himself reliably stops the child sharing further and allows her to avoid responsibility to the parent to solve the issue.

Meeting Your Child Halfway
What's your pattern?  What's your pattern when you've passed your limit, when you feel over your head, when the demands of the moment are exceeding your own internal resources? 

Patterns observed in parents with troubled teens (more than one pattern can be used):
•   Rescuing:  doing whatever you can to take away your child's discomforts in attempt to make your child happy
•   Yelling, arguing: using guilt, blame, or threats to attempt to get your child to listen
•   Withdrawing: resorting to silence and isolating from your child or the conflict
•   Finding distractions: always looking for something else to focus on, planning future events, and keeping busy
•   Stoicism: removing yourself emotionally from any conflict and responding in a detached, unaffected way
•   Workaholism: finding ways to avoid the home and stay at work where you feel more effective and more in-control (or working in the home and avoiding family life)
•   Lecturing: looking to explain, solve, fix the problem – telling your child what to do and what should be happening
•   Addictions: engaging in excessively in whatever brings a feeling of escape: alcohol, computer and internet abuse, gambling, etc
•   Worrying: constantly going to the worst case scenario, perpetually feeling unrest, and fearing a catastrophe

If parents can identify one, two, or even three patterns they fall into, they will have taken a courageous step toward solving them, because the reality is everybody has work to do.  Nobody responds to everything in an emotionally healthy and mature way.

The biggest hurdle for parents can be admitting they don't know everything and are imperfect.

How to Break Your Pattern
1)   Self-knowledge
a.   No parent can be accountable for his or her pattern or know how to change it without developing self-knowledge, which comes from seeing yourself clearly and accurately
b.   Because looking inward is so difficult most people need the help of others to gain a fuller awareness of their habits or patterns
c.   Most people are reluctant to hear anything negative about their behaviors, actions or character, yet it can be invaluable when someone provides you with a broader perspective that enhances your self-knowledge
d.   If it feels safe, parents can even ask their kids for feedback.  Parents who put on their own armor to justify their actions only reinforces the parent-child divide
e.   If parents want to break through to their children they can soften or dissolve their defenses and join with their struggling kids in becoming more self-aware
2)   Self-attunement
a.   Before we can read others emotions we must develop the capacity to attune internally to our own emotions and feelings
b.   Before parents can break patterns it's crucial they attune to these underlying feelings and emotions
c.   An essential component of attunement is learning to sit with your underlying emotions and feelings, however painful they may be.
3)   Accountability
a.   Parents need to own their patterns not only for their own growth but also as a means of halting their child's constant onslaughts.
b.   Kids are much more focused on their parent's behavior than their own.  Teens use their parent's behavior as a means for justifying their own.
c.   To have genuine behavior change parents need to cycle through these steps so frequently that they become new healthy patterns: self-knowledge, attunement, accountability and intentional responses.

Letting Go of the Reins
Parents must recognize they cannot hold everything together...Invariably when parents cling to this notion of making things better, the natural maturation process and individuation are impeded.  At some points parents have to let go.  When they do it's often a turning point.

Parents need to let go of their own strong opinions of their child and allow their child to figure out and develop their own beliefs, thoughts, feelings, interests, goals, and pursuits.

If the child lacks their own internal resources and internal navigation then adolescents will either will either adopt their parent's beliefs or rebel against them.

Adopting mom's and dad's viewpoints can be equally problematic as rebelling against them if the child is doing so only to please their parents rather than making choices that resonate with their own true nature.

Another critical area that parents need to let go of is their belief in school as a priority.  Parents fail to comprehend that as bright and promising as their child is their emotional problems are making it impossible for them to utilize their full intelligence.

Only when the emotional frenzy had been doused does rationality reemerge.
Parents must let go and switch the focus to themselves and begin to work on what they can control, such as self-awareness.

The Art of Reframing

When a child frames an issue or problem as the parent's responsibility the task for parents who want their child to solve their own problems and mature emotionally is to reframe who's responsible for the problem.

Reframing is a way of attuning, seeing, validating, and empowering your child to meet their own needs.  It's a way of communicating the problem in a new way by shifting responsibility back onto the child.

Steps for reframing:
1.   Listen to you child closely and attune to the underlying emotion
a.   Child says "I hate my school" parent says "Can you help me understand why you hate school?"
2.   The underlying tone and emotion is more important than the content.  Engaging in the actual content is a way to get hooked and miss the real issue
a.   Getting hooked by content looks like this example "Honey, you have to go to school.  How can you hate it?  You know you love science"
b.   This example invalidates and undermines the child's emotion
3.   Mirror and reflect back to your child the underlying emotion
4.   Validate your child
"When our children tell us what they think or how they feel it is important to respect their experience whether or not it's the same as our own.  Parents can listen to and understand their child's experience rather than tell what they think and feel isn't valid"  -- Daniel Siegel
5.   Keep yourself out of the problem.  Because when parents share their opinions or thoughts it's disempowering and often elicits a power struggle
6.   Place problem-solving back with your child.  Questions to ask:
a.   "How do you want to proceed?"
b.   "How will you cope with this?"
c.   "What do you think you're going to do?"
d.   "What's next?"
e.   "What helps when you feel this way?"
f.   "What do you think about this problem?"
7.   If you child continues to push the content then set a boundary, but only after you've attuned to your child

At the end of the day parents can only control their responses to their kids parents cannot control their child's thoughts, emotions, or actions. It's okay to set limits and let your child feel his or her frustration.