Understanding the Borderline Mother

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Is This Normal

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #15 on: December 17, 2016, 06:36:32 PM »
Haha!!  ;D

Yes, it's definitely a better investment! Cheaper than therapy & drugs too!

-ITN-

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Sunshine days

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #16 on: December 17, 2016, 07:33:01 PM »
I have not read the book but i find all your comments interesting my mother is a hermit , I mean one who stays in the house forever , she use to be a queen but now she's a witch , could this be a horror story I am near the end of her life . I await my true freedom , these mothers are purely evil. Learning about this stuff has totally consumed my life, I nearly said ruined it, in some ways yes but in other ways I was a slow learner. Thanks to everyone on this thread who offers me love and understanding x

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DJCleo

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2017, 05:47:41 PM »
One of my favorites on BPD (if there can be such a thing)! I read it highlighter in hand, tears streaming down my face. It horrified me reading what I could so easily have written, words I have said, thoughts I have had so many times.

I didn't identify with the four types of fathers, as neither were around during mother's performances, but the mothers??  Oh yeah.  Mine was very much Queen/witch when I was growing up, and has evolved more into Waif/hermit as she's aged. I suspect that's because she realized the old behaviors simply don't work anymore. She doesn't have that power over our lives that she had when we were children.

I love that UTBM gives real time advice for how to manage yourself when faced with the various types. That's the first place I became aware of JADE - don't justify, argue, defend or explain your choices. She doesn't have to agree or understand??!  I don't have to keep explaining myself over and over?? Groundbreaking for me!

Thanks for reviewing this one!


My husband has explained about his upbringing often enough for me to say that this .... makes a lot of sense. The fact that sometimes the BPD exhibits different parts of the borderline mother traits at different times in her life makes total sense.

She's probably more of a hermit than when he was little, when they used to have friends (at least it seemed like it to my husband when he was small). She's more of a waif too, but she's been RAGING off and on during the wedding and then sometimes after. So she's still acting like the queen and witch, but at the same time, tries to pretend that she's made amends for things and tries to trick people more than she used to vs. just hit them when they were young.

My husband explains how once they were big enough to fight back, he did. My husband is extremely polite and warm and friendly, but he was extremely rebellious as a teen due to the bounceback of queen/witch mother being so controlling that his parents sort of gave up, according to my husband. They also talked to their kids *so* late about the facts of life and everything else that kids need their parents to talk to them about. It's so sad.

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DJCleo

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2017, 06:10:06 PM »
https://thrivingisthegoal.com/2013/07/23/understanding-the-borderline-mother-part-i/

This is a link to a blog extrapolating on the Borderline Mother book.

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moglow

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #19 on: March 18, 2017, 02:49:54 PM »
It is an incredibly difficult read, DJ, particularly in early days of facing that you have a borderline mother and accepting that everything really isn't all your fault [as you've likely been told all your life]. There are so many questions and emotions flying all over the place while reading, everything is crazy and makes sense all at the same time.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Hazy111

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #20 on: April 08, 2017, 07:35:12 PM »
I eventually bought this book about five years ago. As a man i thought it was aimed at daughters of borderlines, but it covers so much, sons of BPDS and also the men they marry.  I now have two copies. Although i find sometimes the fairy tale analogies a bit tiresome sometimes, its a tremendous book.

The scales fell from my eyes when i read it and i wept, finally someone had described my mother properly  and my childhood. I wasnt alone. Harrowing , painful and written with tremendous insight. The hardest thing to grasp is they are totally unaware of the pain they inflict.

All borderlines are narcissistic, so dont be put off by the title. If you read one book about narcissistic / BPD mothers read this one, it wont let you down.

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SmolderingDragon

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #21 on: April 08, 2017, 09:14:08 PM »
DJCleo, thanks for that link!  I've been reading that blog for the past two days and it has given me a lot of insight. My PDm just might be BPD and not NPD, although it really doesn't matter. Abuse and irrational crazy behavior is still the same regardless of the label.
"Dracarys." — Daenerys Targaryen

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carrots

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #22 on: April 08, 2017, 09:34:54 PM »
Thanks for the longer explanation, all4peace.

Sounds as if I have a Witch M. And a combination of Huntsman and Fisherman for F. He's the only one apart from me in FOO with an official diagnosis: depression. Me, I have C-PTSD and a whole bunch of symptoms like depression and anxiety. But the rest aren't that healthy, they just have never been for diagnoses. Why bother? There's a SG, me, carrots. But I'm working on moving out of that role.

F believes his depression is solely 'biological' in origin. And is enraged about the sloppy language use of Borderline. 'Borderline what??' he rages. It would have to be Borderline Something Disorder, you would have to specify exactly what "borderline" is referring to. So while he's raging about 'bad and sloppy' language usage, he doesn't have to think about whether he could make other changes in life... or whether anybody other than SG carrots could be somehow at fault.

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DJCleo

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #23 on: April 12, 2017, 02:15:28 PM »
I'd love to do that, tho I've got to snag a copy first, & it's not cheap. About to go back to school & have to get out of the "I can buy whatever I want whenever" mentality.


Is there anyone who has been able to get this book for less than $33.00 used on amazon?

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all4peace

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #24 on: April 12, 2017, 02:55:49 PM »
I'd love to do that, tho I've got to snag a copy first, & it's not cheap. About to go back to school & have to get out of the "I can buy whatever I want whenever" mentality.


Is there anyone who has been able to get this book for less than $33.00 used on amazon?
I found it through my local library system. Have you tried there?

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DJCleo

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #25 on: April 19, 2017, 06:25:29 PM »
No, but thank you all4peace!     I got it used. Maybe I can pass it on in a few years after hubby and I read it through. :) It takes me forever to read a book all the way through because I read so many books in chunks.

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DJCleo

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #26 on: April 19, 2017, 06:29:36 PM »
DJCleo, thanks for that link!  I've been reading that blog for the past two days and it has given me a lot of insight. My PDm just might be BPD and not NPD, although it really doesn't matter. Abuse and irrational crazy behavior is still the same regardless of the label.

I've read that the "comorbidity" of personality disorders is up around 25-30%. That means around 25-30% of people with BPD typically have another personality disorder or mental illness such as NPD. Some have eating disorders, ADD or ADHD, etc. So.... I've also read that if you have a hard time figuring out "which PD it is", then it's likley that they have traits from both. Hopefully that helps you realize that BPDs are narcissistic anyways. Your PDm might have both.

I find it helps to know that it could be both since I kept going back and forth between the two. At any rate, you're right that crazy behavior is crazy behavior. My therapist isn't 100% sure that BPD is PD MILs diagnosis, but it's a good framework to use for dealing with her and we use his expertise with BPDs to help deal with her for sure.

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Sunshine days

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #27 on: April 22, 2017, 05:00:49 AM »
"Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship" by Christina Ann Lawson

I found this book very helpful and enlightening. I've been reading nearly nonstop about PDs, family systems and other psychological issues, and this book stands out from the group.

The book first describes the overall problems between borderline mothers and children (lack of trust, denial, making children feel bad with shame, anxiety, guilt and rage).

Then it talks about four types of borderline mothers:
Hermit
Waif
Queen
Witch

and how they each behave, as well as the damage done to the children of each type (they can overlap) and how to survive them. I felt that it was well written enough that when I got to the sections that most pertained to my mother, it was like reading directly about her, and one of them I couldn't stop crying it was so spot on and emotionally wrenching.

I would recommend this book
Thanks I am ready for this read, just about to order the book x

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DJCleo

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #28 on: April 27, 2017, 01:54:44 PM »
WOW. I've been skipping around to read certain parts of the book. I tend to do that when a book is soooooo long. That way, once I've read a few separate chunks, I won't feel like tackling the rest is so terrible. Weird, but that's me.

One particular page was SO EERIE. This is my MIL, not my actual mother that I'm reading about. The witch borderline. "the borderline mother insisted on planning her daughter's wedding". Somehow or another my BPD MIL did certainly assume she'd be planning my SILs wedding "with" SIL. However, PD MIL pretty much was trying to take over and SIL basically fought back, but chose to grovel towards the end to get her mom to behave. :(


I really identify much better with the parts of the book that explain about everything from a real-world perspective such as about Mary Todd Lincoln and her son and their difficult relationship.

Oi. What a read. I've only read certain chunks so far.

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moglow

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Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #29 on: April 27, 2017, 07:08:19 PM »
I'm telling ya. It took a lot out of me and was a really hard read. Took me a while and a ton of tears to get there, but I faced many of my worst fears for the first time.

“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!