Poll

Understanding the Borderline

:star: :star: :star: :star: :star:
2 (100%)
:star: :star: :star: :star:
0 (0%)
:star: :star: :star:
0 (0%)
:star: :star:
0 (0%)
:star:
0 (0%)

Total Members Voted: 2

"Understanding the Borderline Mother"

  • 43 Replies
  • 3231 Views
*

Hazy111

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 459
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #20 on: April 08, 2017, 07:35:12 PM »
I eventually bought this book about five years ago. As a man i thought it was aimed at daughters of borderlines, but it covers so much, sons of BPDS and also the men they marry.  I now have two copies. Although i find sometimes the fairy tale analogies a bit tiresome sometimes, its a tremendous book.

The scales fell from my eyes when i read it and i wept, finally someone had described my mother properly  and my childhood. I wasnt alone. Harrowing , painful and written with tremendous insight. The hardest thing to grasp is they are totally unaware of the pain they inflict.

All borderlines are narcissistic, so dont be put off by the title. If you read one book about narcissistic / BPD mothers read this one, it wont let you down.

*

SmolderingDragon

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 379
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #21 on: April 08, 2017, 09:14:08 PM »
DJCleo, thanks for that link!  I've been reading that blog for the past two days and it has given me a lot of insight. My PDm just might be BPD and not NPD, although it really doesn't matter. Abuse and irrational crazy behavior is still the same regardless of the label.
"Dracarys." — Daenerys Targaryen

"Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go." -- Mark Twain

*

carrots

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 519
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #22 on: April 08, 2017, 09:34:54 PM »
Thanks for the longer explanation, all4peace.

Sounds as if I have a Witch M. And a combination of Huntsman and Fisherman for F. He's the only one apart from me in FOO with an official diagnosis: depression. Me, I have C-PTSD and a whole bunch of symptoms like depression and anxiety. But the rest aren't that healthy, they just have never been for diagnoses. Why bother? There's a SG, me, carrots. But I'm working on moving out of that role.

F believes his depression is solely 'biological' in origin. And is enraged about the sloppy language use of Borderline. 'Borderline what??' he rages. It would have to be Borderline Something Disorder, you would have to specify exactly what "borderline" is referring to. So while he's raging about 'bad and sloppy' language usage, he doesn't have to think about whether he could make other changes in life... or whether anybody other than SG carrots could be somehow at fault.

*

DJCleo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 545
  • Seize good and bad occasions to get stronger
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #23 on: April 12, 2017, 02:15:28 PM »
I'd love to do that, tho I've got to snag a copy first, & it's not cheap. About to go back to school & have to get out of the "I can buy whatever I want whenever" mentality.


Is there anyone who has been able to get this book for less than $33.00 used on amazon?

*

all4peace

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 5564
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #24 on: April 12, 2017, 02:55:49 PM »
I'd love to do that, tho I've got to snag a copy first, & it's not cheap. About to go back to school & have to get out of the "I can buy whatever I want whenever" mentality.


Is there anyone who has been able to get this book for less than $33.00 used on amazon?
I found it through my local library system. Have you tried there?

*

DJCleo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 545
  • Seize good and bad occasions to get stronger
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #25 on: April 19, 2017, 06:25:29 PM »
No, but thank you all4peace!     I got it used. Maybe I can pass it on in a few years after hubby and I read it through. :) It takes me forever to read a book all the way through because I read so many books in chunks.

*

DJCleo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 545
  • Seize good and bad occasions to get stronger
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #26 on: April 19, 2017, 06:29:36 PM »
DJCleo, thanks for that link!  I've been reading that blog for the past two days and it has given me a lot of insight. My PDm just might be BPD and not NPD, although it really doesn't matter. Abuse and irrational crazy behavior is still the same regardless of the label.

I've read that the "comorbidity" of personality disorders is up around 25-30%. That means around 25-30% of people with BPD typically have another personality disorder or mental illness such as NPD. Some have eating disorders, ADD or ADHD, etc. So.... I've also read that if you have a hard time figuring out "which PD it is", then it's likley that they have traits from both. Hopefully that helps you realize that BPDs are narcissistic anyways. Your PDm might have both.

I find it helps to know that it could be both since I kept going back and forth between the two. At any rate, you're right that crazy behavior is crazy behavior. My therapist isn't 100% sure that BPD is PD MILs diagnosis, but it's a good framework to use for dealing with her and we use his expertise with BPDs to help deal with her for sure.

*

Sunshine days

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1555
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #27 on: April 22, 2017, 05:00:49 AM »
"Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship" by Christina Ann Lawson

I found this book very helpful and enlightening. I've been reading nearly nonstop about PDs, family systems and other psychological issues, and this book stands out from the group.

The book first describes the overall problems between borderline mothers and children (lack of trust, denial, making children feel bad with shame, anxiety, guilt and rage).

Then it talks about four types of borderline mothers:
Hermit
Waif
Queen
Witch

and how they each behave, as well as the damage done to the children of each type (they can overlap) and how to survive them. I felt that it was well written enough that when I got to the sections that most pertained to my mother, it was like reading directly about her, and one of them I couldn't stop crying it was so spot on and emotionally wrenching.

I would recommend this book
Thanks I am ready for this read, just about to order the book x

*

DJCleo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 545
  • Seize good and bad occasions to get stronger
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #28 on: April 27, 2017, 01:54:44 PM »
WOW. I've been skipping around to read certain parts of the book. I tend to do that when a book is soooooo long. That way, once I've read a few separate chunks, I won't feel like tackling the rest is so terrible. Weird, but that's me.

One particular page was SO EERIE. This is my MIL, not my actual mother that I'm reading about. The witch borderline. "the borderline mother insisted on planning her daughter's wedding". Somehow or another my BPD MIL did certainly assume she'd be planning my SILs wedding "with" SIL. However, PD MIL pretty much was trying to take over and SIL basically fought back, but chose to grovel towards the end to get her mom to behave. :(


I really identify much better with the parts of the book that explain about everything from a real-world perspective such as about Mary Todd Lincoln and her son and their difficult relationship.

Oi. What a read. I've only read certain chunks so far.

*

moglow

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 11203
  • >^..^<
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #29 on: April 27, 2017, 07:08:19 PM »
I'm telling ya. It took a lot out of me and was a really hard read. Took me a while and a ton of tears to get there, but I faced many of my worst fears for the first time.

“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

*

Sunshine days

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1555
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #30 on: April 29, 2017, 04:28:33 AM »
I wanted to buy the book but it's £45

*

smarty

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 79
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #31 on: May 09, 2017, 12:01:27 PM »
I also really recommend this book.
I read it, as a daughter myself of a BPDm, but for me the biggest effect was what i learned and realised about my father...I was expecting the obvious info about M but hadnt thought as much about F, and the role he played...like someone else here said,I saw him as a victim, as we children were, and didnt give him as much responsibility for what happened,even though he was an adult, our parent, and also should have stepped up but didnt. He was the 'good guy'.... i needed to believe in a good guy, someone to not hate and be angry at...he would never say or do what she did,he wasnt a bad person, true... but he also never intervened when it was clear we needed him to. So for me, confronting the uncomfortable reality that he was also complicit and responsible for us and for all that happened was my main takeaway from this book,and the hardest to accept...since I accepted not having a mom a long time ago.
I ordered a used copy, on the barnes&noble website, and it was cheaper and in perfect condition, so I recommend taking a look there...i think it was about 20$. I knew from all the reviews that even though its from 17 years ago it is still a good read and worth it to buy.

*

Hazy111

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 459
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #32 on: May 09, 2017, 05:30:35 PM »
Smarty,

Yes the father part is important too. Whay type of men marry BPDs , not all are narcs and how they just dont intervene to protect  their children. They are not there  emotionally, they usually have thir own issues which means theyre just not cut out to be good fathers.

 Mine was a narc of sorts and he just seemed to live in an emotional  bubble in our home. There could be WW3 going on  and he would just sit in the back room smoking , reading the paper. Passive and unemotional. I think he massively disassociated (tuned out) , now understanding it.  But then i think his mother was  BPD and he was raised in a very  unhappy household too, (lots of rows he said) so no one knew what was normal.

Plus that generation it was argued the mother did the child rearing, which the father was happy to go along with .

He never abused us like her,  I think they call it an "enabler". As long as he was getting his needs met he  just went along with my mother for an easy life. I dont think it entered his head about our needs. The only time he was emotional was about  money. I used to think of  him as a moral coward.

My sister recounted a story once when my mother was ranting at her for not having children . Extremely hurtful and my sister looked at him, but he just stood there and said nothing. Just waiting for it to blow over.

Brilliant book btw

Hazy111

*

Moxie890

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 54
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #33 on: May 23, 2017, 01:49:30 PM »
Is this book sensitive to people who have chosen to go NC with a BPDm? Does it focus on self healing, or is it more focused on boundary setting and evolving one's relationship with their BPDm?
Thank you!

*

Hazy111

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 459
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #34 on: May 23, 2017, 03:38:47 PM »
Hi Moxie,

Its a bit of both.

The book has a chapter on how to deal with each type of Borderline. I suppose that would be called "medium chill" on OOTF.

There is also a chapter at the end called "Living backwards " that deals with self healing. She also advises therapy for the children of BPD mothers.

If you were raised by a BPD mother i would say its essential reading regardless.

Id call it the  " Bible " on BPD mothers.

Hazy


*

Moxie890

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 54
Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
« Reply #35 on: May 23, 2017, 03:53:29 PM »
Thanks Hazy!

*

Seven

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 286
  • The only winning move is...not to play.
Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
« Reply #36 on: December 27, 2017, 03:07:52 PM »
Worth. Every. Dime.

Just got done reading this on behalf of my DH (he's not a reader, and if he does he has issues with comprehension).  It definitely describes MIL and FIL.  If i had paperclips to mark pages, I'd be marking every page, and be out of paperclips.

Got to the "witch" part and was going "nope.  Not her."  But then "oh, wait!!  Yep.  There it is!!"

MIL definitely hits all 4 types.  I'm just glad it confirms my suspicions that she is BPD.

I even read exerpts from the book to him (with his permission) on how do deal with the witch, especially after he hung up on her Christmas Day.  I told him he did the right thing.  Get away.

The good thing was, it wasnt coming from me.  I wasnt making up the solutions.  It was coming from a book i was reading straight from.

*

louisebt

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 341
Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
« Reply #37 on: December 28, 2017, 05:00:48 AM »
Really solid book. I re-read this regularly at present to find new strategies to deal with my mother. Understanding she is predominantly hermit type with waifing as she gets older makes so much more sense how to deal with her behaviour.

I managed to find a second hand paperback copy off ebay. Good luck finding it, so annoying it seems to be out of print.

*

mangywolf

  • New Member
  • *
  • 13
Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
« Reply #38 on: December 29, 2017, 09:11:58 AM »
I got an Amazon gift card from my uBPD mother for Xmas. I bought this book with it. That felt pretty great. Thanks for the book mom. 8-)

*

all4peace

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 5564
Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
« Reply #39 on: December 29, 2017, 09:50:50 AM »
I got an Amazon gift card from my uBPD mother for Xmas. I bought this book with it. That felt pretty great. Thanks for the book mom. 8-)
Oh, the irony! :D