He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?

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Clix

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He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« on: November 21, 2016, 12:01:37 PM »
My partner/fiancee punched me in the face about a week ago. He has been abusive verbally in the past, and when he gets angry he often just leaves and does not come home overnight (that has happened three times in six weeks). I moved to NYC to start a life together only seven weeks ago. We have an apartment together and are both on the lease. We were engaged on 11-11-16; later that day he got mad at me, stormed out of the pub where we were having a beer and said "fuck you." He did not come home that evening. I went out of town on business the next day and returned two days later. That's when he assaulted me. He's insanely jealous and constantly accusing me of cheating on him.

He surrendered to the police Saturday, and can not stay in the apartment or have contact with me. Currently I have an Order of Protection, and I have a court date this Wednesday. This is his first offense though I am aware that he had violence in at least one prior relationship. On Wednesday I could drop the charges and have the Order of Protection modified so that we could see each other or even live together again. He is a 26 y.o. social worker and this could end his career...though because of his own doing. Yesterday (Sunday)  he removed virtually all of his clothes (with Police observing) and is staying with a friend so far as I know. If he does not return, he will still be a tenant on this lease and that will be a bitch because I can not afford this place alone.

When he came in yesterday to gather his things, the first thing he asked was "where's the ring?" He had been staying in our apartment until Sunday and I had rented an Airbnb. Before he hit me last Tuesday he took the ring off and said "this means nothing".  The ring stayed on his bedside table in our apartment until he turned himself to the police and was arrested and charged last Saturday. I had set it aside, intending to return it.

Background: At the end of August he himself was attacked by a group of teens and that turned his life and mine upside down. He had hallucinations and imagined things. He checked himself into a psychiatric hospital. He's now getting psychiatric and therapeutic help. As am I.

I love him very much but all of this is driving me insane. I think he has been lying and cheating on me; perhaps abusing drugs. But I don't know for sure. As I sit in our apartment alone I wonder if we could start over. I could- though I change my mind daily. I harbor no illusions about him moving back or reconciling. But I don't know that I can drag this thing out endlessly.


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Latchkey

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2016, 07:26:40 PM »
Hi Clix,

I am so sorry to hear this. NYC is really expensive to be left with paying for half the rent and I can imagine this is a really scary time trying to get your bearings. Have you spoken with a counselor from a local DV center or a LGBTQ center's DV counselor ? There are counselors in either place that can help you with this more specifically as your issues are really common. Many in DV situations end up going back and it is a very dangerous time as the abuse cycle goes around and your BF can go from being violent to loving over and over.
I can't tell you whether you should drop the charges but I would keep the OOP in place at the least and use that to get him off the lease , or yourself off of  it-- if possible. I wasn't able to do this with my exBPD/ASPDH but I was able to get the locks changed with the OOP in hand at least.
Do you have other friends there you can network with and possibly stay with?
Is your BF able to work post assault or is he on some kind of disability leave right now?
Do you feel threatened by his behaviors now? Is he stalking you or have a history of stalking?

We are here for you!

Latchkey
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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snoflinga

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2016, 12:11:45 AM »
Oh honey. Hugs, what a stressful and sad time. You sound like you are handling everything so well! Be proud of having it made it through all of this so far.

I will tell you what happened to me: My exh assaulted one of the kids, badly enough to be arrested for it. When we went to court, he wept and talked about how sorry he was and he was already in anger management therapy and if I pressed charges he would be deported (he is not a citizen) and the kids would have no father and I would lose everything financially. I dropped the charges.

That is one of my biggest regrets, because all his promises meant nothing. Then in the years after when we were fighting in court for a divorce, I had no legal ground to stand on. His lawyer argued repeatedly that if because I had "asked for the charges to be dismissed" the abuse couldn't have occurred. It ended up being a very scary time for me.

You spoke the truth yourself in your post. It's possible that DM charges will have consequences for him. But those are HIS responsibility and the repercussions of HIS behavior, not yours. You can't protect him from his own behavior. It does him no good when you use yourself as a human shield to protect him. Violent people are charged when they hurt others, that's just how it works.

Financially it will be a bitch with the apartment, that's true. But it would be either way. You can handle that.

I know it goes 100% against what a lot of us had drilled into us but you must put yourself first. You would never advise a friend to accept this kind of treatment, don't allow it to happen to you. You deserve better!

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Lighthousegirl

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2016, 01:37:40 AM »
No
There's never a good reason to take violence from another.

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TooLongInWA

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2016, 02:38:53 AM »
Clix... I'm reading your story and snoflinga's and seeing some of my story in both.  My husband hit me too.  He was arrested. He was given a restraining order/no contact order. Couldn't even call me or give a family member a message for me.  I'm convinced my husband is BPD but he is undiagnosed.  This was 5 years ago and I am only just now getting the divorce process started.  After going through cycle after cycle of verbal abuse and apologies, and the constant accusations that I was cheating on him.  A good friend of mine was assaulted by her fiance ~ 20 years ago and she got out of that relationship in a heart beat. I always told myself I'd do the same thing if it happened to me.  But here I am.  My husband never took responsibility for that punch.  I asked for the restraining order to be dropped and didn't demand that he be put into treatment (he's been an alcoholic for years).  Clix - after reading your story I'm afraid for you.  He punched you. And he's a social worker?  Please, please put yourself first.  You deserve to be treated with love and respect love.

"Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too."    Will Smith

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manchesterford

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2016, 04:22:12 AM »
Sending you love. I can hear in your words your love for this man and concern for your own future. As someone eight years down the line I give you two pieces of advice. The first - it will only get worse do deal with it now. You have better hope to heal. The second - sometimes what is best for a person is not what they want. He needs treatment,  he needs help. He is out of control. If this isn't addressed he will damage his reputation,  career and all the love that those in his life have. He needs to deal with it now.

Be safe x
I've come to the conclusion there are only 2 reasons why people do anything. Fear and love. Let love be the stronger.

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Liftedfog

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2016, 05:49:52 AM »
Helping him means you press the charges.  This way he will "enter" the system and be on their radar.  He will be offered help, treatment, whatever courts or police feel he needs.  He will have to be on good behaviour or risk arrest again.  Best thing for him right now.  And it helps keep you safe.  Don't feel bad.  He did this to YOU.  There is no turning back.  Please keep out if the fog.  You have good insight.  Stay safe.

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Clix

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2016, 11:02:11 AM »
Never once has he taken responsibility. Never once has he apologized. The going out and not coming home.....on the night we were engaged? Threatening to never consider a future with me if I don't drop the charges. He once raged at me and threw a glass of water on me as he hurried out the door- before leaving, saying some pretty horrific stuff like "I hope you kill yourself" knowing that my mom had committed suicide....later explaining that I had hurt him (I made a totally benign remark that set him off) and that he wanted to hurt me. And more...as I look in the rear window.

Problem is classic. I feel that if I do press charges we will never reconcile. I feel as if I'm living in a nightmare- incredibly depressed, lonely. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I have zero interest. I can't even pet my cat- I'm not eating. I feel as if the best has come and gone. I put 100% into this relationship and went from being engaged to punched in just three days.

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Liftedfog

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2016, 05:09:09 PM »
There is no reconciling IMO.  I was in your exact shoes.  They are too broken and mentally ill to give us normalcy.  They are not emotionally capable of reconciling.   What you are seeing right now is exactly what you are signing yourself up for.  And worse. Because they will only deteriorate.  I'm sorry to sound so glum.  But I wanted my family more than anything.  30 year together, high school sweetheart, two small boys, a nice home, family pet.    But he choked me, was charged, took no responsibility, refused treatment, no insight.  I had no choice but to choose myself over continuing to hope in him.  There was no hope in reconciliation if he was refusing to do his part.

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TooLongInWA

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2016, 05:12:49 PM »
Clix - I am so sorry you are feeling terribly today.  You've seen his violent side before marriage... many of us didn't see that side of our significant others until we were already married... some of us after being married for many years.  If you read the posts of those of us who have been in these kinds of relationships with PD's for many years you'll see for many of us it doesn't get any better.  Sometimes it gets worse.  Please put yourself first.  If this man can punch someone he loves then I would be very concerned what he'll be like down the road.  I am sorry if this is sounding very callous and unfeeling, but you are the victim here, not him.  Please stay safe and stay strong, and know that there are a lot of people on the boards who've been down that road and pulling for you.   :hug: 
"Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too."    Will Smith

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12PointBuck

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2016, 03:53:50 PM »
Clix,

Man, as brutal as it sounds, you did the absolute right thing, my friend. Bravo! You have boundaries and you enforce them -- it took me 10 years in a PD relationship to learn I was sorely lacking in said department.

Listen, your fiancee blew it. He willingly threw your trust out the window. Then he punched you. Left you. Insulted you. Accused you.

Dude, be glad you're out of this early in the game. You'll find a roommate or a new flat or worst case move to New Jersey. :)

Just, please, try to understand that as hard as this has been for you, you did the correct thing. Every single person here at OotF will tell you: PRESS CHARGES.

Otherwise, trust me, next time he's gonna turn the tables on YOU, and YOU'LL be accused of domestic violence and possibly incarcerated.

Don't let it go that far, there are millions of other single men and one of them is right for you. This one wasn't. Take every red flag he displayed and BE AWARE of them in other's from this point forward.

I think you're gonna be fine. You did the right thing. You rock, man.  :applause:
Hearts are built like rubber so you'll be all right, welcome to the garden of earthly delights.

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Liftedfog

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Re: He punched me: Do I drop the Domestic Assault charges?
« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2016, 03:49:58 PM »
 :yeahthat:    stay strong and visit for support!