What have you lost in your PD relationship?

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Isabel007

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What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« on: December 19, 2016, 11:27:28 AM »
I woke up last night and started thinking of all the things I've lost in my relationship with my uN/BPDh. Then I wondered: I wonder what other folks in these relationships have lost? I'd love to hear if it's similar things. So here's what jumps to mind for me. I have lost:

1. My illusions. I believed I'd married a wonderful man who truly loves me. What I got was a tortured and sick man who I doubt will ever be the husband I dreamed of, or even a weak approximation thereof.

2. My strength. At least most of it. It is SO exhausting and draining living with someone with PD. I just feel my energy being sucked out, like he's a vampire. I used to be known for my strength and courage. Now I'm just tired and worried most of the time.

3. My joy. I used to be bouncy, funny, super-positive, always looking forward to things. Now it's like, "What sh*t will hit the fan today? How many problems are MY fault and will I have to fix? When will the next shoe drop? What landmine will I step on today?

4. My friends and family. This isn't totally true, but I feel like I've lost their respect. They see how twisted my husband can be, and have started to wonder about my sanity for staying with him. They give advice and try to help, and mostly I ignore it. (Although I follow the advice of my therapist as best I can.) The worst part is, I'm getting paranoid that no one likes my husband and that they're starting to avoid us as a couple. That's probably not really true, but see how one's mind plays tricks?

5. My career. I still have a professional career, but I mostly dial it in these days and rely on my fantastic staff. I'm too busy dealing with personal crises, worrying, going to therapy, running the house and what's left of my marriage, etc. I have lost all interest in a career I used to love. Just too exhausted and burned out to care anymore, and I wonder when my employer will figure that out.

So, that have you all lost?

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Rainstorm

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2016, 02:26:03 PM »
1. I've been mostly an optimist my whole life, and after so many years of living with my PD husband, my optimism isn't nearly as high as it once was. Sometimes I feel downright depressed and that just isn't who I am.
2. I've lost most of the benefits of being married, and feel very lonely at times.
3. I've lost friends, though this isn't completely his fault.
4. I lost a lot of trust in people in general, because my husband is so dishonest.
5. I lost being able to feel fully relaxed at home when my husband is around.

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CosmoMarie

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2016, 03:16:49 PM »
~ my academic and creative impulses.  I used to write, and attend college.  Dealing with my PD made school overwhelming.  He kept interrupting me when I would work.  And when I had an open mic (a class requirement, and friends and family were invited) he refused to go and got angry at my wearing heels.   :flat:  I have FOO problems, so between PD, FOO and my own sad self esteem, I eventually tossed all my writings and pretty much gave up on it. 

~ my connection to my family.  PD never got to know any of them.  They weren't great but they were part of me.  He also never got to know any of my friends, although he does want to use one of their cabins someday  :stars:

~ my desire

~ my optimism

~ my privacy (until recently  :evil2:)

~ my self respect

~ my sensitivity

~ my energy

~ my good credit.  Dumb enough to let PD use credit cards opened by me  :no:


I will never be the same, but the future can be better.  That part is up to me. 

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Penguincat

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2016, 03:40:05 PM »


3. My joy. I used to be bouncy, funny, super-positive, always looking forward to things. Now it's like, "What sh*t will hit the fan today? How many problems are MY fault and will I have to fix? When will the next shoe drop? What landmine will I step on today?


 :yeahthat:

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butterfly199

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2016, 05:12:49 PM »
The worst part is, I'm getting paranoid that no one likes my husband and that they're starting to avoid us as a couple. That's probably not really true, but see how one's mind plays tricks?

I can completely relate to this. I've actually had friends tell me they only put up with him because I choose to stay.  Our roommate introduces us to one of her friends. H had a hard time respecting her boundaries. She said she'd love to hang out with me again, but I'd need to leave H at home.  :-\ 

I've also lost another friend of ours. The sad part there is she has kids the same age as ours. So, not only did I loose that friendship, the kids lost those friends as well.

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manchesterford

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2016, 05:27:07 PM »
My belief that love is enough.
The future we planned together.
The baby I hoped to have.
Hope.
Much of my faith.
I've come to the conclusion there are only 2 reasons why people do anything. Fear and love. Let love be the stronger.

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mrstring

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2016, 07:40:14 PM »


3. My joy. I used to be bouncy, funny, super-positive, always looking forward to things. Now it's like, "What sh*t will hit the fan today? How many problems are MY fault and will I have to fix? When will the next shoe drop? What landmine will I step on today?


 :yeahthat:


I third this.

The funny thing about it is she says that lately I am not the same and am more distant, she of course thinks it's because of affairs that I know I'm not having. In some ways I am more distant because I am more aware of my situation and until recently have been optimistic that things will get better between us. Now I am not so sure. I keep thinking if I twist my reality to meet her expectations that it will get better.


Anyhow back on topic.


-My privacy...at the drop of a hat she can confiscate my phone and look at all my messages, I never have anything to hide but it gets old...or take my car keys and do a search of my car or my drawers

-My health...even when I am sick, she seems to get upset that I am unable to take care of her. I am also losing sleep because she has no boundaries or respect that I have to work in the morning.

-Financial peace. I am not a huge bread winner but have had enough to plan to pay my bills, now I never know when she will take off in anger and blow over 600 dollars on a hotel for a week, or spend without knowing how much she has in her account

-My physical safety....not knowing when I will be attacked physically, it is rare but more that one is too much. Just yesterday she drove her knuckles into my shoulders while kneeling on my legs. Yes of course I could get up but I refuse to physically hurt or move her. She then tore my glasses from my head stretching them.

-My friends and family. If I talk to my family she wants to know what about which is no big deal but then critique if I didn't mention her enough or the kids. I have never had tons of friends but I am too stressed to do anything with the ones I have out of fear that she wont believe where I am

Freedom- To even go out of my way if every second isn't accounted for otherwise it will lead to interrogations. Even Saturday when I unloaded all of Costco's by myself because she was sick(I dont mind that part) but when I took too long on on one trip to the car she was angry and said why did that trip take longer and who did I see.

Side note( In her mind I must be having several 5 minute affairs with multiple women)

My confidence...which to be honest must not be very high to even stay in this relationship, but now I second guess every damn thing, did I do enough for her today, do I say things the right way, did I do enough today. If I go to the store I am scared if I don't hear my phone or if I take too long or if I don't pick up the right thing it's because I don't care enough for her or know her enough

My will...even if I don't want to have sex, usually because I am tired and we already had it that morning, I feel pressured, because if I don't it's because I must have given it to "those other bitches" or I don't find her attractive enough or desirable anymore.

Strength...I feel drained all the time, waiting to hear what I could have done better today, or last year or anytime over the last 14 years. As someone said always waiting for the other show to drop.

My ability to judge....I think this is a wonderful loving woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with yet all these things I listed above are prevalent almost day to day if not once a week or month. Is my judge of character so wrong???

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Lunagirl

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #7 on: December 25, 2016, 02:42:46 AM »
We all seem to have similar themes!
Friends
Connection to my family
 Career ambitions
Last few child rearing years spent with him , giving me false promises, now its too late!
Trust in myself and my own opinions
Ability to make choices
Faith in men and relationships
Sex life
Ability to relax and  be at peace

Happy to say though these things are gradually returning bit by bit.......seperated 2 months = family christmas, improving form at work as I now have mental energy again, finding out who true friends are and finding the old me!

Good luck to all

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stayputbride

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2016, 07:30:34 AM »
My youth.
23yrs with him.  Now I'm middle aged.
I've lost my youth.

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Ellie307

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2016, 10:08:55 AM »
Trust in people, especially men
Years of my life waiting for him to change
My good credit
Ability to see and feel joy in life's "little moments"
Some of my self respect (shameful things I did for him)
There's more but these are the first that come to mind.
"Make it worth the price we pay."
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
"If there's one good piece of me left, I swear, it's mine and mine alone."

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Bikervet

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2017, 09:34:27 PM »
Great posts - thank you. So cathartic to be able to write this to people who understand:
1. Ability to see friends and family a my boyfriend is so anxious and hates holidays due to his rocky childhood, so any family event or even gathering with friends must be planned weeks or months in advance. Even with proper planning, it is so much more trouble than it's worth, so I just don't go anymore. He won't even allow people in our house, because we are remodeling and he is ashamed of it. I feel more alone than I did when I was single.
2. My belief in the sincerity and in unconditional love: He is so intermittently sweet and kind when all is well for him, but when things are not gong smoothly, he will not talk to me or even touch me, and he glares at me as if he despises me.
3. My spontaneity - see above. I feel trapped - unable to just get up and do something.
4. My morning bike rides: I used to join morning group rides, but he has so bitterly complained about this that it's not worth the battle. He has insomnia and can hear a pin drop so, despite sleeping in another room, using the restroom outside (yes, as not to wake him), and not making a sound, he claims that I wake him and ruin his sleep, although he is usually in bed at 9 and spends more one hoizontal than most.
5. My sleep. I keep vigil at night to be sue none of the pets make a sound, lest they wake him.
6. My confidence. Funny he tells me to stand up straight and walk like a confident lady, but he is the one, with all the blame and castigation, who has demeaned me to the point at which my self worth is circling the drain.
7. My masters degree program in Chinese medicine. He is already frustrated by the fact that my veterinary cared des not fit neatly into bankers hours, and adding this degree program sent him over the edge.
8. My sense of self apart from hm. From my clothing choices to my job, he has worked to change me, which is so ironic, since it is he who needs he changing.

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SP08

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2017, 09:58:38 AM »
So many common themes here.......

Sense of humour, sometimes I find myself thinking 'I used to be funny, I used to make people laugh but I don't anymore'

Confidence

Happiness, when things are good its always at the back of mind wondering when the next argument will be

My hobbies, I never have time for my interests and hobbies because I get made to feel bad about wanting to do something for myself, I get called selfish and then I get told 'fine, I am going to start prioritising myself if you're going to be selfish'

Celebrations! I cannot think of a time we celebrated a happy occasion together that wasn't ruined in some way

Also, my health - I feel drained, run down and my physical health is suffering

It find it therapeutic to note down what I have lost, it keeps me focused on getting out.

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Pepin

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2017, 10:59:23 AM »
My sense of self
Laughter and happiness
Confidence
Trust
Health
Zest for life

I miss the man I married...it seems that he is a much different person now because he has allowed his mother to come before our marriage.

When I look in the mirror I see how ugly I have become; a shell of my former self.

Living day after day emotionally beaten down has definitely taken a toll.

The last decade has been wrought with roller coasters of depressions....which at first I could not understand why they were happening.  I thought that maybe it was the past that was to blame (motherless and raised by a narcissist father) but I have done so much therapy and self healing!  I live across the country, am married, have kids and am NC with N Dad!  So what could possibly be the problem with me then being so darn unhappy all the time?

Right.  DH's mother.  Didn't see it while raising our young children and healing from my past.  DH's enmeshment with his mother. 

I went from one trap to another. 

I don't know who I am anymore. 

Motherless daughter (now mother) raised by raging narcissist father. 
NC with NF since 2008 and 1997-2001.

Sometimes the grass will appear greener on the other side because it has been fertilized by bullshit.

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Ellie307

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2017, 04:10:27 PM »
 :hug:Pepin,
I'm so sorry you're in such an awful place in your head and heart. I can relate to everything you said. We lose so much in these relationships. I hope you'll hang in there and stay strong so you can one day reclaim your sense of self.
"Make it worth the price we pay."
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
"If there's one good piece of me left, I swear, it's mine and mine alone."

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In loco parentis

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Re: What have you lost in your PD relationship?
« Reply #14 on: January 21, 2017, 10:55:32 PM »
In addition to so many like sentiments already expressed by others, here, I have lost my ability to trust in what I had BELIEVED was simple, basic human decency--or perhaps it was simply my naivete.  I don't know.  I am not sure I could function at ALL if I did not make myself believe I can somehow trust in simple, basic human decency from others.  I know I experience it here.  And thank you, folks.  But to have learned not only about BPD, but also of its prevalence, its insidiousness, its basic heartlessness, its tendency to exponentially increase with each succeeding generation, and the near hopelessness in attitudes, at least, as to the possibility that it can be successfully managed, well, that's a staggering loss to my peace of mind for the health of us all.

Otherwise not that much... .    :wacko:
A well worn path can be such a comfort... and/or such a rut.