Yep, we totally fell for it.

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Unvitation to Drama

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Yep, we totally fell for it.
« on: January 02, 2017, 03:09:14 PM »
So, I wrote a bit about this last week, but wanted to add an update.  As stated before, DH and I re-established contact with his sister and their family in January of last year.  We have had a great year with them, and really enjoyed the time.  However, after a long weekend visit with her mother (whom we are NC with), DH's sister became more distant.  In fact, we didn't see her again after that stay. I shot her a text about her father (who we are also NC with) possibly being sick, and wanted to know if she was handling it OK.  She used that as an opportunity (the conversation made zero sense) to go off on me, block me from her phone, and remove me on social media. Fast forward to 12/26 and DH texted and in no uncertain terms made it clear that the next time their BPD mother throws her out with the morning garbage, to not even think about calling us. He also told her he was disappointed in her behavior because we've none nothing but offer her (and her family) love and friendship. So, it turns out that DH's sister was most likely lying about her "falling out" with her uBPD mother and uN father, and has been conveying information back to them for the past year.  A spy of sorts. She was "holding out hope that DH would come around."  First, my life isn't that exciting. Second, I wouldn't dare tell her anything that I wouldn't tell anyone to their personally.  Now the stuff that she shared and texted me? Wowza!  So why did their big, diabolical plan implode? It appears as though uBPD MIL couldn't handle the fact that our life is very fulfilled without her.  She's also very jealous about a lot of things related to our lives which doesn't help her cause.  Anyway, we are back NC with the whole lot of them, and DH's sister and mother have re-launched their smear campaign.  Peace Out Nut Jobs.

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mayaberry

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2017, 03:53:02 PM »
That's awful. I'm really sorry you had to put up with that, especially when you thought you were getting somewhere with his sister and building a good relationship. I guess on some level at least you now know where you stand and won't have to go through anything like that again. It just goes to show that there's usually always something going on in the background with these pds that we have no clue about! It also shows that the relationships usually always remain the same even if it looks like there's been a breakthrough. It's really sad. We have similar with H's brother, he is an enabler for both nmil and their sister nsil. He made a visit for the first time in years earlier this year and we thought we were getting somewhere with him, but he returned home and went back to shunning us again once he was back amongst them. That's how he has been trained to deal with us, because nsil doesn't speak to us and nmil has issues then he chooses to avoid upsetting them by basically ignoring us. He's never been downright nasty and spiteful like your sil though, thankfully. Nsil has of course but then we've also never had any pretence from her of trying to get on with us.
I hope you get a bit of peace now, it may well be a blessing that she's blocked you on social media. Good luck!

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coyote

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2017, 03:59:13 PM »
Unvitation,
I understand the frustration created for us nons when PDs manipulate and then attack when it does not go their way. I also understand the feelings of knowing better but trying anyway. So sorry but we are caring humans who make mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on. One thing I have been focusing on is what is best for my FOC and not letting others interfere with that. It seems you have a supportive DH and as you say a fulfilling life without the uBPDMIL. Good for you.

Just a gentle reminder about name calling. Although it is hard we try to avoid it here and you were doing great until you threw out Nut Jobs at the end. Again I understand the underlying emotion but we don't want to offend anyone who might be reading this from a PD perspective.

Good for you in standing your ground and resuming NC. I don't know if NC has to be forever or not. I guess it is determined on a case by case basis. Wishing you peace and strength as you move forward. Thanks you for sharing. 
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?

Capt. Jack Sparrow

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all4peace

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2017, 05:07:41 PM »
uninvitation, I'm so sorry. What a betrayal when you were hoping for some sort of family relationships. I know not all our situations are the same, but this reinforces my extreme discomfort when either of DH's problematic sisters starts hoovering. I will always hold them at a safe distance, and this is a good reminder why. I'm so sorry you're facing this.

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Unvitation to Drama

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2017, 09:51:16 AM »
Thank you for the replies.

I just want to point out that this forum has been my "safe space" for the past four years. This has been one of the only sanctuaries I've had to vent and discuss the behavior of my in-laws.

I will not use the term "Nut Jobs" again. However, giving me the rationale that I don't want to "offend" a potentially personality disordered person is a huge trigger for me. Name calling?  I get it.

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coyote

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2017, 10:23:56 AM »
Uninvitation,
I am a relative newbie here compared to many other members. I am so sorry if my comment instigated a trigger for you. Again I understand how you have been undermined and blindsided by the PDs in your life. I have experienced similar behaviors. This is also a "safe space" for me and I try to give back when I can. Again I apologize for the triggering.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?

Capt. Jack Sparrow

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coyote

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2017, 01:36:34 PM »
Uninvitation,
I am sorry again that the term "not to offend PDs" was so triggering for you. I operate from a sense that all humans have an inherent right to be treated with respect and dignity because of their God given humanity. Not because of what they do or don't do, who they hurt or don't hurt, but just because they are human beings.

I also operate from a sense of forgiveness not revenge, love not hate, as St Francis said, "seeking to understand, not be understood." As my tagline says, "how I treat others is my karma."

So I do strive not to offend anyone I come across. I am not always successful. This is why I pray for forgiveness daily. Try as I might to walk in the Spirit of the Lord I know I fall short on a daily basis.  Yes I get angry, frustrated, feel as if things are not fair. These are my shortcomings brought on by my own issues, no one else's. Right or wrong, this is just how I choose to go forward in life.

I hope everyone who comes here sees it as a "safe place." This does not mean we will always agree with each other but we can always offer compassion, understanding, and support to each other. I truly do wish everyone here peace and strength on their journey, wherever it may lead.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?

Capt. Jack Sparrow

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Unvitation to Drama

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2017, 05:13:21 PM »
Hey Coyote,

I hear what you are saying, and I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate. I actually think it was the verbiage, and not so much you. I'm all for love, grace and forgiveness.  And, I agree with you about your "karma" since life is much more about making proper choices than a sense of luck. My personal experience with PD folks is that no matter what you might do, it's never enough whether it be time, money, attention, et cetera.  The thing is that there is no real way to NOT offend, insult or disappoint them. Otherwise, there would be limited splitting, scapegoating and lose/lose situations.

I get it, but hate to lose the ability to tell others how I really feel.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2017, 05:56:43 PM »
What betrayal and anger you must feel realizing she's been spying. It's good you didn't say anything you wouldn't say in person to the other. That's something I try to follow myself, that I don't want to say anything about someone to others I wouldn't say to them personally. The crazy making games are so energy draining sometimes.

As far the other topic, and I don't want to hijack, this link helped me understand the culture that was established here when I arrived and why. It's mostly for our healing and growth the guidelines were established and it appears from the post that the guidelines grew out of lessons learned from prior experience by those who established this place that has been my safe haven alongside you all.
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=27161.msg253293#msg253293
PD have no power, only words. We choose to give those words power, influence or keep them as they are, empty words. (thx WI) Accepting others are incapable of being anything other than what they are is step one. OOTF affiliate program http://www.outofthefog.net/Books.html

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coyote

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2017, 09:51:09 AM »
Uninvitation,
Thank you for your kind words. You say, "My personal experience with PD folks is that no matter what you might do, it's never enough whether it be time, money, attention, et cetera." I can so agree with this. This is why I stopped trying with my uPPDw. I finally realized that no matter what I did to try and satisfy her it would never be enough.

So I stopped JADEing, doing circular conversations, and set firm boundaries against abuse. I took her off my phone logs, blocked her on my email, bank account, etc., until such a time she respected my boundaries. We even separated for a time.  Now she takes care of all the finances, checks my email for me, helps handle our businesses, and I seldom get questioned or accused of infidelity.

I know every situation is different and yours seems so much more intense than mine. I can easily see where no contact is your safest and perhaps only option.

I would not be where I am if not for this site. I hope you continue to gain the same insight, tools, and support I have enjoyed. I appreciate you sharing your story, it is certainly one we can all learn from. Thank you
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?

Capt. Jack Sparrow

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all4peace

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2017, 09:59:26 AM »
I think the insidious part of dealing with PDs or other dysfunctional people is that we can start to lose the good parts of us, including trust in other humans. Things like this make it harder to trust again. I'm starting to think the safest route is to stay very cautious with all the people from a family with a PD parent. Although I don't feel this way with my own siblings, who have proven themselves trustworthy over the long haul.

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gypsysoul44

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2017, 11:29:19 PM »
Uninvitation,
I feel for you.  I seem to be in a similar situation as well.
You opened your heart up to a healthy relationship with them, and got stomped.  Don't let them steal your sweetness.

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Unvitation to Drama

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #12 on: January 10, 2017, 04:44:02 PM »
Thanks.  No good deed goes unpunished.

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Sesame

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Re: Yep, we totally fell for it.
« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2017, 08:05:36 PM »
Uninvitation, I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. My FOO has loads of spies and people whispering and gossiping behind others' backs, so I'm sort of used to it. Thanks to that, I will always be a very wary person who takes time to open up to others. It may mean I don't have a hundred friends, but at least I know that those who are my friends are people I can genuinely trust.

At least you know the truth now and they can't pull that stunt again. Guess you can safely put this behind you and remain happily NC for ever!