He took my daughter away from me Part 2

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redfish

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He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« on: January 03, 2017, 05:08:44 PM »
For anyone not familiar with my story, I posted it under 'he took my daughter away' on November 23rd.
I promised to keep everyone updated and will do that below.
I hope that in me sharing what's going on that it will help someone, help them if they are in a similar situation, or headed in that direction.
If anyone has any suggestions or guidance for me, please let me know. My undiagnosed malignant NPD ex is definitely trying to take all control, even trying to switch her since-birth pediatrician and also lying to his own lawyer. I haven't had the chance to do anything about that since at the moment I have ZERO control over anything.

Anyways, nothing happened in court today. Nothing. Ex and his lawyer weren't even there so I had to call his lawyer and tell him to come. My lawyer was there, representing someone else but she did take a few minutes to talk to me, and she was the one who told me to call ex's lawyer to show up. Good thing she was there cuz apparently one of the papers I had filed the other week I was also actually supposed to mail a copy to ex and I only sent one to his lawyer. So if I had gone forward without his lawyer there it could've been contested if he didn't like the outcome. Also, on that same paper, the court clerk didn't fill out everything the way it should've been. And me not knowing the procedures for everything, I didn't catch it. Also, the judge was confused about everything, and the clerk in the courtroom cuz of me having so many court dates lol. Ex's lawyer should've been watching the court calender like I do and see all the dates. He only knew about Jan 10th!! And he hasn't checked his mailbox so he hasn't gotten any of the mail I've sent him yet.
And he stank like booze :/ And to quote my brother 'he looks like he slept in his car'. Though he was slightly more put together attire wise today. Generally he does look like he slept in his car. He tried bullying me and was subtly threatening me, but he is the opposition so I guess I can't expect anything but that. My brother did interject on my behalf cuz the lawyer didn't want to be stuck there waiting for me to see family services. He said there was no point but I still wanted to and did.
We ended up getting a continuance til the 10th and the judge said everything will be addressed then. So I have more time to pray and prepare. My brother said today was a good practice run and I agree. I wasn't as nervous as the last time I was in court and I can see where I need to be more assertive/aggressive.
Ex's lawyer was really adamant about how he is going to oppose my request for a Guardian Ad Litum citing 'we know what's best for your daughter given your history'. Meaning he and Ex know what's best and he said that a GAL is a waste of time and money. So I need to study up on law stuff and how to present my case, etc.
So that's What's going on.
And my brother said when he dropped off my daughter on Sunday that the basement stank like booze :/
Off course my first question was why we're you in Ex's basement?? Lol.
But still. It's all so UGH. Here I am stuck without my daughter and she's with a deranged person.

So that's where Im at. I'm curious if anyone has been in my position before? I can't believe I'm the only one??
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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redfish

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2017, 05:10:13 PM »
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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Liftedfog

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2017, 06:19:29 PM »
Thanks for updating us.  We worry about you and are rooting for you. I recall you didn't want to call cps as it might prevent you from getting legal or something like that.  But how about somneone call like a friend of family member.  The call can remain anonymous.  They will investigate all calls and will at least get them in his stinky basement.

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redfish

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2017, 08:01:04 PM »
Hmmm that is an idea.
My mom showed me a pic on FB of my daughter in his basement carrying firewood. There's a wood stove down there. She JUST turned two not even a month ago. For Christmas my ex blocked me on FB so maybe if I mentioned the smell and the carrying of firewood. Or someone else did. Those pics were posted after he blocked me.
I didn't do anything to warrant the blocking, I barely have contact with him.
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Liftedfog

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2017, 08:20:29 PM »
Have someone you trust make the anonymous call.   The caller could tell cps she is a friend of PD and wishes to remain anonymous.  She is concerned with the lack of care and non safe environment.   I would mention bruises if baby still has them.   It just might work to have PD investigated.  Hugs!

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Whiteheron

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2017, 07:11:20 AM »
 :yeahthat:

I agree with lifted. The calls can be anonymous and will be thoroughly investigated.
When my uPDh first came into his job, he had to fire a lot of people, one of them took revenge (he had a history of doing this to his own family) by repeatedly calling CPS on us. They said the calls were completely anonymous, but that it was suspicious they started right after john doe was fired. CPS came, spoke with me, my H and looked around the house to ensure it was a suitable living environment for the kids. If the caller specifically mentions the basement, I'm sure they'd be inclined to have a look.
Can someone take photos of your child's bruises? Any photo 'evidence' would help. Also your "friend" could mention seeing photos posted, if there are any out in cyberspace that would indicate inadequate care or potential abuse.

 :hug:
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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kazzak

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2017, 12:22:48 PM »
I have so little faith in CPS and investigations. Based on my experiences, CPS may end up validating that his home is ok. Then what?

Of course I'm not saying this to ignore any child abuse, but if it is real and convincing then I would involve the child's doctors regarding bruises. Children get bruises every day, and a doctor can distinguish when there is concern about physical abuse.


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mdana

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2017, 04:24:52 PM »
Your brother could also make the call (CPS) and indicate what he saw AND, your mom could testify on the Facebook pics. Anonymous is probably a good idea too. You may consider asking someone you trust to monitor his Facebook and keep a record (pics) of his posts for future evidence (should you need it).

That your ex deleted you from FB sounds in alignment with the pathology.You didn't have to do anything 'wrong' for him to do that. He likely did it to exert more power/control over you AND/Or because he is suddenly not the 'Disneyland' dad he wanted you and everyone to see.

Here's my opinion on CPS:  I have heard of CPS not being as helpful as everyone wishes, although sometimes it is.  I would argue that regardless,  it's all we have to work with these days (as far as I know) and that you should gather all the evidence prior to making the call.  Do any of the women's abuse centers/hotlines you have been in contact with have someone you can talk to about it? 

BTW,  IF CPS determines all is great...he should have custody...not much is lost (he already has full physical custody).  I also agree...you should get her doc (s) to weigh in too.  Even though you do not have physical custody, you likely still have shared legal custody and can get a doc to weigh in.  Although ... I am sure your ex will not make taking your daughter to a doctor easy!  Either way ... these cases often take time.

My daughter reported a child abuse case once (on her dad's side of the family). She did it anonymously, but the family knew it was her. They did the visit. Did not make any findings.  It was heartbreaking.  BUT... it got the other members of the family to notice and panic a bit.  They began to suspect what was going on ...What was a 'secret' came out into the light (even though it was denied, there was doubt). The incident went "on the record" and they interviewed the young girl (who I hope now knows, what her daddy does to her is "NOT" normal).  Any if any future reports get filed, the initial one will be there, giving more weight to whatever comes next.

One other possibility ... have you been in close contact with his family?  Would either of his parents be willing/able to oversee your daughter's safety and care? 

Hoping all the best for you!

M



Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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kazzak

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2017, 04:43:19 PM »
BTW,  IF CPS determines all is great...he should have custody...

Unless CPS makes a mistake and all is not really great. Just my experience.

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redfish

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #9 on: January 11, 2017, 08:28:13 AM »
So court went decent yesterday,  I got some of my rights back like I have to be notified of emergencies and Dr appts, Ex has to communicate with me as to how Daughter is doing. His excuse for never answering me about that was he's 'very angry about everything'. Judge seemed to buy that. Idk how long he's going to keep everyone and their cousin fooled. Ugh. I know he was doing that just to be cruel and controlling. The ins issue never came up, or the guardian ad litum. Unfortunately I have to pay for the car rental when he took my car away. I wanted to say 'did you stop driving your truck when you got your dui???' in response to his reasoning, but I didn't say anything, didn't seem worth arguing in front of the judge. The GOOD news is I now get Daughter on Thursday, Sunday, and Monday! 9am-6pm. My roommate spoke up for me in court and she's now an approved supervisor. She made the mistake of telling the judge she's been sober for 7yrs- the judge responded by saying she's not allowed to drive Daughter anywhere LOL. But now I can hang out with Daughter here and she can get used to her room. The court decided to do an investigation into me and I signed releases for the domestic violence coalition, my therapist, and the outpatient program that I did, so that will help. I go back to court March 8th.
I never got to bring up Ex' s abuse or his drinking, don't know if I ever will, unfortunately. I have tons of documentation of it. Before I left court I went and filed a modification to add my mom as  supervisor since I forgot to during proceedings. She's going to Florida for three weeks next month so I don't know how great that will work. I signed up with Perception Programs so I can keep taking toxicology reports and I don't start that til the end of this month cuz there's a waiting list so I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. I can always ask for a hair test March 8th if necessary! So that's what happened today!
I'm wondering if God has his hand in Ex' s abuse, etc, not coming up yet due to the possibility of her being removed from BOTH her parents at this point? The judge is extremely hard,  not like the other judge we've seen a couple times. I mean if she won't even let someone with seven yrs of sobriety drive Daughter around?! That's a real possibility. I wouldn't be able to see Daughter at all if that happened. I was accused of drunken breastfeeding by Ex's lawyer lol. Like, seriously?! Ridiculous. Daughter would've gotten really sick, or worse, if I had done anything like that ever.
I walked into the court building telling my brother and roommate that I did not want to leave without getting more time with Daughter- and I got it. Ex and his lawyer kept asking that I get nothing, nothing at all, not even one little thing but I stood up for myself and was more confident and assertive than the last time I was there. So that's good.
Ex is sounding like he's gonna oppose my mom being added as a visitation supervisor but I'll fight that too. I'm just gonna keep fighting and not back down til I have to! Me and my mom don't have a great relationship but she'd be on best behavior to have access to her granddaughter.
Family Services said next time I might be able to get unsupervised visitation but that means I'd see daughter less, cuz it'd only be 3-5hrs at a time. Right now in Sunday's I'm alone with her fir hrs, at church in the nursery, or I'm with ppl in the nursery that aren't approved supervisors. Back in Oct when j was still living with Ex and he had me on supervised visitation, he'd leave me alone with her all the time. He knows I'm not a threat to my daughter, he's just being a you-know-what. I hope someday this all changes. But for now, I'm grateful for the more time I'll be getting.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2017, 08:32:01 AM by redfish »
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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lifeline

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2017, 09:24:33 AM »
You made progress, that's wonderful to hear!!!   :applause:

Keep your evidence of his indiscretions handy, I am sure they will come in useful soon.   :thumbup:

I think you did marvelous, you maintained composure, you were assertive and confident, and you WILL come out shining Mom in the end.  You know that.  He's faking it, and one can only fake it for so long.  True colors always shine through.   :cool2:

Definitely push to show your clean & sober.  Definitely see what you can do to have his activities scrutinized, see what you can do to get him subject to toxicology reports, and of course do so without sounding like a toddler pointing the finger at another kid. ;)

While it is a bit more challenging to have a more stone-faced judge, it may very well turn to be in your favor.

Keep on fighting Girl, you got this, you take back your and your daughter's life one little piece at a time!!!!!

Thanks for the update, we are cheering & praying for you!!!!
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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Liftedfog

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #11 on: January 11, 2017, 11:18:12 AM »
Redfish!  I am so happy for you.  I cried tears of joy when reading your update.  OMG.  God is amazing.  I am so proud of you.  No matter what happened to have your daughter removed from you, YOU are doing everything to change the train around.  Do you know how amazing you are!  Work with family services.  They will become your biggest advocate in helping you.  They come on strong and then will start lessening the chain with every progress you make.  The natural progression is your daughter in your care without supervision. 
I wish to God my expdh had worked hard as you and complied with everything CPS wanted for him to have unsupervised access to our children.  But, he is suffering from psychosis and that changes everything.    I will continue to pray for you.  God can move mountains.  I am living proof of this.
God bless!
 :yourock:

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kazzak

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2017, 11:20:13 AM »
That's good news, high fives!!

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Whiteheron

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2017, 01:48:05 PM »
 :cheer: Way to go! Baby steps...stick with it and in the end you will have your unsupervised visits. In the meantime, keep documenting everything, as I'm sure you already know.

Thanks for keeping us updated!  :grouphug:
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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redfish

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #14 on: January 11, 2017, 05:52:38 PM »
Thanks you guys! I'm going to keep fighting and doing everything I can do. I just want my daughter back and I don't know how I'll get her back, with everything working against me. I really wish the truth would come out. I think that would level the playing field, and maybe even tip it in my favor. In the meantime I'm gonna jump through every hoop Family Services asks me to.

Does anyone have any stories even remotely similar to mine?
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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mdana

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2017, 12:19:27 AM »
Good to hear redfish!

Everything ...isn't working against you, actually.  Some things are working in your favor...it's a process.

I am happy to read about your progress, and that you continue the work of recovery and self-improvement both for yourself and your beautiful daughter.
It's never an easy road, but it's the best journey you will ever travel.  Reminds me of the lovely poem by Mary Oliver, "The Journey". Here it is:

Poetry
By
Mary Oliver
The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.



Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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redfish

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #16 on: January 14, 2017, 07:00:36 AM »
Mdana- that's a beautiful poem, thank you!

It does at times feel like everything is working against me. I have the sneaky feeling some of Ex's friends actually know the truth though. I ran into one at work and the guy looked at me with some intense sympathy and then squeezed me with a hug. So that was reassuring. The smart campaign and gaslighting has me still occasionally doubting myself- as in is the problem really me??? But I get stronger every day. Well some days no progress is made at all and I cry off and on several times during the day. But most days are productive.
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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mdana

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2017, 09:34:36 PM »
I hear you ...

It takes a long time to recover from emotional trauma/abuse.  The longer you stay away from it ... the more clarity you will get.  NC is so necessary, because its repeated contact that draws us back into the 'fog'...we get confused, we begin to doubt ourselves, we aren't sure what we heard...

It's ok to cry ...it's good, you probably have allot to grieve!

XOXO
M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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redfish

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #18 on: February 22, 2017, 06:32:59 PM »
An update:

I talked to Court Family Services today. The case manager told me that when I get to court March 8th me, my Ex, and Ex's lawyer will be meeting in the office and the info court requested from my therapists, the program I went to, etc, will be read out loud. After that, the case mgr will try to get us to come to an agreement and then go before the judge. If we don't come to an agreement then The case mgr will read the documents in the courtroom before the judge.
I'm hoping it comes to that- read before the judge, and I'm pretty certain that's what will happen.
Family Services only informs the judge of the contents of the documents they collected if an agreement is not reached prior to entering the courtroom. Otherwise the judge doesn't know what's in them.
So I'm going to have to be calm cool collected with clarity and confidence in the courtroom. (Wow that's alot of C's lol). I have to be fearless and walk tall.
So that's where everything is at! Off course my Ex is still being as difficult as possible, trying to interfere, and lying to whomever he can. And still smelling like beer and other alcohol when my daughter gets brought back to him after visitation. So yup....nothing new there.
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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Whiteheron

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Re: He took my daughter away from me Part 2
« Reply #19 on: February 22, 2017, 07:20:48 PM »
 :hug:
Hugs and good luck to you!

Be sure to document each time he stinks of alcohol when he has your daughter (sorry, can't remember if you are keeping a record).
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.