Why mother do you ignore everything about me

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Fightsong

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Re: Why mother do you ignore everything about me
« Reply #15 on: January 09, 2017, 09:41:29 AM »
Ah there country girl I hear anger finding it's own expression right here in this thread. A wise Bloomie once told me that anger was like  personal growth  just waiting to burst out. So give it expression. I imagine, like many of us, you have  felt unable to be angry for a very long time, maybe even not realized you had been angry - yes  its that bad isnt it, that you dont even know WHAT you feel anyway - and it's all stuffed away.

So - Here is countrygirl, no longer stuffing away, brave enough to see the rejection and invalidation and the cloak of invisibility she is shrouded in - and call them by name. Brave enough because now she knows she will survive without mother. Though soft and vulnerable enough to feel that it hurts.  You go country girl.

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Sunshine days

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Re: Why mother do you ignore everything about me
« Reply #16 on: January 09, 2017, 03:59:53 PM »
Wow!!! The cloak of invisibility , that's so profound it sent a chill up my spine, this thread has really helped me come to terms again with being invivisble, no contact gives us a voice and makes us feel alive. Can anyone on here tell me whether you ever become a equal with them ?

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countrygirlbetsy

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Re: Why mother do you ignore everything about me
« Reply #17 on: January 10, 2017, 06:15:51 AM »
 "As a scapegoat, you are trained to live in fear. You become afraid to defend yourself, express your opinions, or demand fair treatment. This attitude of worthlessness, fear and shame is carried into adult life. "

Above quote from https://luckyottershaven.com


fightsong, you are so right and thank you for your deep and true post.

 I am so angry and have been so since I was 12, the age I lost my father. Yet, only in my 50's did I realize how deep the anger was.  The anger was at my mom and I did not know how to express it. I was depressed often, super sensitive, felt like I was never heard, felt shame, and that I did everything wrong.  My poor husband put up with my bouts of depression, my outbursts of anger, himself not understanding...until, I opened up about my mom.  He still doesn't know what to do, he only says 'she won't change'  Hoping she would change is what I held onto for so long until the incident with my dogs death. She only thought of herself, her need for me to take her dogs now that mine was dead. Once again countrygirl could rescue mom :(,  So my pain didn't matter, I was as usual invisible.  The things shes said and done play round in my head, and the reason I can't let go is 'the anger' I want her to take responsibility which I know will never happen because she believes, truly believes she's been a great mom. So, now it's up to me, to stop the fear, guilt, and feeling obligated to her. She trained me well and sometimes it takes a lifetime to undo whats been done.

Sunshine days, Yes!  You are spot on going NC gives us a voice, but I am not there yet. It's one of the most difficult things to do. Nobody should ever feel invisible because it changes who we are. That message sticks with us long into adulthood and we always search for the answer believing we did something to make us that way.  I don't think I will ever feel equal to her. I never want to be like her but I understand what you mean,  maybe like we have just as much power as they do to not let them ever again hurt us.


 I am very LC but she won't leave me alone. I get emails "haven't heard from you in awhile" I suppose I should just laugh, because I have totally figured out her tactics. Because of OOTF and reading on every website I can find on N's,  I know the games she plays.  Yet......why do I read the emails, because she made me into the parent, taking care of my brothers, helping her, feeling I am to make her happy. Do you know, she never hugged me when my dad died, never talked about it.  Only in the last few years did I see that that is so wrong. But I was invisble, so she never gave it a thought. Only am I visible if it suits her needs

Oh wow....lots of work ahead!

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Fightsong

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Re: Why mother do you ignore everything about me
« Reply #18 on: January 10, 2017, 07:42:35 AM »
Its not just SGs that live in fear, silenced and invisible . Well anyway I think we don't all keep the same 'role' all the time. I know I didnt.
invisibility cloak  idea attributed to Moglow, not Fightsong's own idea. Brilliant though isnt it?

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Sunshine days

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Re: Why mother do you ignore everything about me
« Reply #19 on: January 10, 2017, 10:34:30 AM »
Hi countrygirlbetsy, sorry I meant are we ever a equal to our siblings? Not the narc mother, the narc is jealous and wants all her relationships to her self, they are selfish. You have to do the work and save your soul, forget about hers it's rotten to the core

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blacksheep7

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Re: Why mother do you ignore everything about me
« Reply #20 on: January 10, 2017, 11:34:11 AM »
Hi Countrygirlbetsy  I can relate to anger.  I  had it built up inside and when it came out with NM, last spring it wasn't pretty. I told her everything that was on my mind.  At first, I felt guilt but when I read that  anger is just a sign that we are being treated unfairly, the guilt left me.   For me, nm was an enabler, growing up, living in my enraging nf shadow.   When he died, she expected me to be her caretaker, friend, confidant and entertain her.  I went nc for 3 yrs because my anger was Very Very strong like I had with NF in my twenties.  We reunited but every time some situation did not suit her, she emotionally blackmailed, her favorite weapon.  She enjoyed provoking me with her sarcasm.  I had to go vvlc/nc because my anger was eating me up, just like the first time I went nc.   I won't put up with that any longer.  Knowing myself, my health is more important and is necessary for my own family.  My dh had to put up with all of this chaos.   I am not ready to see her and I don't feel much for her anyway.  They push us away.  NM doesn't even bother to call which is A OK with me.  She's got other kids and I know she treats them in a certain way the same with her sarcastic remarks when she is not getting attention or regular phone calls as she would like.  Wish you well.  Take care hugs
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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Sunshine days

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Re: Why mother do you ignore everything about me
« Reply #21 on: January 10, 2017, 03:11:55 PM »
Black sheep, we don't exist anyway, we wear a cloak of invisibility , we are unimportant to them. Good luck with expressing your anger . X

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blacksheep7

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Re: Why mother do you ignore everything about me
« Reply #22 on: January 11, 2017, 11:50:31 AM »
Hi Sunshinedays  My anger has diminished greatly.  Darn  right we don't exist for them anymore.  We are put away on a shelf or discarded as damaged goods.  How can we feel for someone, especially from our mother.  I do not need her approval anymore to feel good about myself.  I am building my self estime back that I had lost in the last year, once again.  I will not let her bring me down anymore.  x
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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Sunshine days

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Re: Why mother do you ignore everything about me
« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2017, 03:34:42 PM »
Hi Sunshinedays  My anger has diminished greatly.  Darn  right we don't exist for them anymore.  We are put away on a shelf or discarded as damaged goods.  How can we feel for someone, especially from our mother.  I do not need her approval anymore to feel good about myself.  I am building my self estime back that I had lost in the last year, once again.  I will not let her bring me down anymore.  x

I didn't have the anger like them and the negative emotions , it got worse when my narc aged shes vile at the moment bitter and full of hate. I had always been her caregiver but everyone else took over (money) and my role was gone and I started to see them all in a new light but I still wasn't angry and aggressive lke them, as she got worst they seemed to crack and tried to calm her but it was my job the calming and dumping ground and gc wanted and told me to get back there but I wasn't go back to the abusive chair while he sat in the comfy chair , what a self seeking muppet . The whole point of me going no contact in the first place was to get him of his comfy chair and see the narc for what she is a bully and he can't go back to the other place and that's what made gc go mad (crazy) . It's great that you don't need her approval no more that's what we wanted , only normal mums give it out. Yes I think we have always been discarded just that we hadn't noticed it and when we do they call us crazy in the end so they can hide their bad behaviour.