Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue

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Codeep

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Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« on: January 07, 2017, 11:05:23 AM »
Simple, troubling issue.  My BP narcissist H wants to have anal sex and he is using the request as a tool of some sort.  Don't quite have the words to describe it but it is very hurtful.  Sometimes he just asks on a bright sunny day while we are hanging out without aggressive tone and others he is mean and aggressive about it.  This doesn't really matter but the reason I won't is because I have active hemorrhoids so it would be sure to injure me.  This morning he read 10 womens' views on it on some website.  Fortunately, one woman said, "Women typically will have it twice, once to try it and a second time to confirm it was as bad as they remembered it."  There were other reviews, some + and some - but it helped me fend him off for a while.  This is exactly the sort of thing I'd like to communicate with his psychiatrist about.  This is not couples' counseling fodder (and BTW he is a horrible participant in that anyway so I pretty much refuse to do it with him anymore) and I shouldn't be alone in dealing with something like this.  Someone needs to set him straight besides me!!!  Plus he will be 65 soon.  Do men never stop???  I am not a prude and my problems with not being interested in sex have to do with his mental illness, cheating, etc., but feels perverted at this point for him to suggest this.  Sorry if this is TMI.

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Veloter

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2017, 12:09:57 PM »
This post struck a nerve with me.  My husband bugs me about this constantly.  He is 64.  Back when I was still in the fog, he guilted me into it (good wives do it).  No more.  That is a boundry that will not be crossed.  I tried to explain to him that it is painful and sex is something that should be enjoyed by both parties.   I flat out told him that that will never happen again and he still pushes.  Hold your ground.  If he brings it up I just walk away.  I have been married for a very long time and I am at the point that if he walked out tomorrow, I wouldn't care.
Hang in there.

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LeeJane

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2017, 01:30:09 PM »
This angers me that they ask for this. How would they like something up their rear end. If my PD hub asked for this my answer would be #@$£ off.

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Ellie307

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2017, 01:39:54 PM »
Their sense of entitlement is astounding. Where is the respect?! So, so clueless.
"Make it worth the price we pay."
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
"If there's one good piece of me left, I swear, it's mine and mine alone."

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LeeJane

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2017, 01:47:29 PM »
Their sense of entitlement is astounding.

Yes. This.

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leapsand bounds

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2017, 02:13:47 PM »
This makes me sad.  It is abusive to coerce another into unwanted sex acts.    Sex between people needs to be mutual and reciprocal because it has the power to affirm or negate the humanity of another, to bring joy or degradation.  Even the law recognises the seriousness of mutual and non-coerced consent in all sexual choices, and in every person's absolute sovereignty in regard to them.

You are a person not a blow-up doll.

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Fergie2

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2017, 02:18:43 PM »
 :yeahthat:

Where is he getting these ideas from anyways? Sex is not one sided. One person does not get to take pleasure from another persons pain. You already said no, he is not respecting your decision or body because he wants to use it for his own pleasure, regardless of how it feels for you.

I wonder if he is a user of pornography? Ask him if he would like the same thing done to him.

You should only have to say no once and not be pressured into experiencing pain and possibly other nasty infections, HIV etc from this for his 2 minutes of selfish pleasure. Makes me wonder if he is as selfish during other times of intimacy with you as well, does he have one-sided sex? Or is it 50/50 where he is focusing on you and making YOUR pleasure a priority.

Sorry to say but he sounds immature. That would be a total deal breaker for me.
« Last Edit: January 08, 2017, 04:45:36 PM by Bloomie »

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SmolderingDragon

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #7 on: January 07, 2017, 02:24:07 PM »
You should remind him that it's an exit not an entrance and wasn't designed for sex. Besides, that area of the body is very delicate. It's both structurally and physiologically very dangerous to have anal sex for numerous reasons. How would he like it to have it up his bum?
"Dracarys." — Daenerys Targaryen

"Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go." -- Mark Twain

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Fergie2

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #8 on: January 07, 2017, 02:37:14 PM »
Let me also say that I had an ex who was a HUGE user of pornography who also requested the same thing from me because that is where he got the idea from. I broke up with him and moved out a week later.  :wave:

Considering what that part of the body is intended to be used for, I don't see why a healthy, sane man would want to venture into a wasteland (literally!) unless he was a user and supporter of the degrading industry of documenting prostitution acts (Porn is short form for prostitute) and watching them himself. Just no.

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Whiteheron

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #9 on: January 07, 2017, 03:31:54 PM »
You should remind him that it's an exit not an entrance and wasn't designed for sex. Besides, that area of the body is very delicate. It's both structurally and physiologically very dangerous to have anal sex for numerous reasons. How would he like it to have it up his bum?

 :yeahthat:
Exit only!
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #10 on: January 07, 2017, 09:09:05 PM »
 :yeahthat:

Tell him ...let's try your bum first. 

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penelopepureheart

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #11 on: January 07, 2017, 10:36:45 PM »
It's one of the "unforgivables" in my marriage.

My husband was angry at me about something once, something that really wasn't my fault, but he of course blamed me.

To punish me, he forced himself on me anally. It was horrible. 

It was one of the clinchers that yes, I will leave him when the time comes, and I will not look back.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2017, 06:19:41 AM »
Penelope, I'm so sorry!!!  Can you speed up the leaving process?  Maybe seek more support of friends or family so you can get out sooner.   I too have awful memories of my expdh that are etched in my mind.  I recall each one often as I find it therapeutic to validate my leaving.  But nothing as horrible as what was done to you.     :bighug:

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penelopepureheart

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2017, 02:04:27 PM »
Lifted Fog, thank you for your kind words.  Fortunately, it was only the one time, and it was a few years ago now.  But, it taught me that he really is capable of wanting to harm me.

I wish my timeline was sooner, but I'm waiting for my son to graduate and be out of the house, so that it won't impact him as much. Just under 3 years to go!  And meanwhile, I am saving up money, putting things in storage, and other prepping.  I am so glad to have found this site! It is so very helpful to hear that I am not alone, and be able to vent a bit.  There is safety in anonymity--I had NEVER told anyone about that episode before, and probably never will in a non-anonymous format.

Best wishes to you in your journey!

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Codeep

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2017, 10:21:29 PM »
Thanks everyone for your input and for sharing.  No mention of this since he read the article!!!  He is in a good mood tonight. Just a touch happier than I like to see him because of what is likely to happen......he finds something to be dissatisfied about/blame me for and gets surly.  But I'm doing good today!  Some good time with one of our kids and he successfully put dinner on the table by himself and it wasn't from a restaurant.  It may be a first. In 20 years.

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lifeline

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2017, 08:31:21 AM »
I'm sorry for all of you who have had less than great experiences in this area.

I've seen this... It is unfortunate... awkward for sure, immature, unkind, undesirable...

Stick to your boundary.

Just a note from my personal experiences, he's being awfully nice as you describe, he may try a more ...determined try.  My uNh was like that.  He'd get all aggressive, then back down and be really nice, they try and approach nicely, and when that didn't work, that's when he got angry, not just aggressive. 

I have also seen him get angry about this subject with his gf, and went so far as to tell me all about why it was so wrong for her to not just want to try this... I just shook my head at him and said, "some people are just not into that".  Their sense of entitlement is astounding.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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BlockedIt

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #16 on: January 10, 2017, 06:24:56 PM »
Einbahnstraße!

That sounds awful and painful. The only reason I would ever even consider it is if the woman I was with thought she'd be pleased by it. Even then, I would be uncomfortable because... well you know... poop.

Just a touch happier than I like to see him because of what is likely to happen......he finds something to be dissatisfied about/blame me for and gets surly.

Every time I read a phrase like this I think, "I'm not alone in this"
The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.
-Dan Millman

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Ylime

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #17 on: January 11, 2017, 04:04:43 PM »

Just a note from my personal experiences, he's being awfully nice as you describe, he may try a more ...determined try.  My uNh was like that.  He'd get all aggressive, then back down and be really nice, they try and approach nicely, and when that didn't work, that's when he got angry, not just aggressive. 


Yup.

This has been an ongoing battle with my uNPD husband for years. I will do it from time to time, I think initially because I wanted to do something nice for him but ocassionally because idk, it's something different and under the right circumstances it can be okay. But, his inappropriate and selfish behavior has many times made me wish I'd never, ever done it in the first place. Suddenly a couple times a year wasn't enough, and he'd argue if there was something I liked that much he's do it for me all the time, even if it hurt him, and acted upset and like there was something wrong with me that I didn't have a thing that I wanted. Sometimes I'd request a non sexual favor in response, like a massage, and he'd get all huffy and accuse me of being frigid. He's ruined many encounters for me by begging, and even trying to use force, after I'd already made it clear I wouldn't be doing that....that always leaves me feeling rejected, like what we were already doing isn't good enough? But of course he would be the one to pout about it. Then if he hadn't been a jerk about it in a while, he'd bring up that fact, like he was looking for praise!

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almostthere

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #18 on: January 11, 2017, 11:20:09 PM »
Ask if you can do it to him first a few times.

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randompanda

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #19 on: January 12, 2017, 08:51:08 AM »
My NPDexbf was also OBSESSED with wanting to do this, and I also had a medical problem that would have made it nearly impossible.  Every now and then in the course of our relationship, he would have an honest NPD moment, where he would tell me his motivation for something, but sort of disguise it as an "All guys do this because ________".  One time, when he was talking about how I should "just let him do it", I asked him why so many men seemed to be obsessed with it, and he said, "Because we know how badly the woman doesn't want to do it."

When he said it, I thought, "Well, there you have it."  It's not about sex.  It's about power.  It's about control.  It's about making you do something you don't want to do, because that is what brings him pleasure.  It's just sickening.