Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue

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lifeline

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2017, 08:31:21 AM »
I'm sorry for all of you who have had less than great experiences in this area.

I've seen this... It is unfortunate... awkward for sure, immature, unkind, undesirable...

Stick to your boundary.

Just a note from my personal experiences, he's being awfully nice as you describe, he may try a more ...determined try.  My uNh was like that.  He'd get all aggressive, then back down and be really nice, they try and approach nicely, and when that didn't work, that's when he got angry, not just aggressive. 

I have also seen him get angry about this subject with his gf, and went so far as to tell me all about why it was so wrong for her to not just want to try this... I just shook my head at him and said, "some people are just not into that".  Their sense of entitlement is astounding.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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BlockedIt

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #16 on: January 10, 2017, 06:24:56 PM »
Einbahnstraße!

That sounds awful and painful. The only reason I would ever even consider it is if the woman I was with thought she'd be pleased by it. Even then, I would be uncomfortable because... well you know... poop.

Just a touch happier than I like to see him because of what is likely to happen......he finds something to be dissatisfied about/blame me for and gets surly.

Every time I read a phrase like this I think, "I'm not alone in this"
The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.
-Dan Millman

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Ylime

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #17 on: January 11, 2017, 04:04:43 PM »

Just a note from my personal experiences, he's being awfully nice as you describe, he may try a more ...determined try.  My uNh was like that.  He'd get all aggressive, then back down and be really nice, they try and approach nicely, and when that didn't work, that's when he got angry, not just aggressive. 


Yup.

This has been an ongoing battle with my uNPD husband for years. I will do it from time to time, I think initially because I wanted to do something nice for him but ocassionally because idk, it's something different and under the right circumstances it can be okay. But, his inappropriate and selfish behavior has many times made me wish I'd never, ever done it in the first place. Suddenly a couple times a year wasn't enough, and he'd argue if there was something I liked that much he's do it for me all the time, even if it hurt him, and acted upset and like there was something wrong with me that I didn't have a thing that I wanted. Sometimes I'd request a non sexual favor in response, like a massage, and he'd get all huffy and accuse me of being frigid. He's ruined many encounters for me by begging, and even trying to use force, after I'd already made it clear I wouldn't be doing that....that always leaves me feeling rejected, like what we were already doing isn't good enough? But of course he would be the one to pout about it. Then if he hadn't been a jerk about it in a while, he'd bring up that fact, like he was looking for praise!

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almostthere

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #18 on: January 11, 2017, 11:20:09 PM »
Ask if you can do it to him first a few times.

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randompanda

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #19 on: January 12, 2017, 08:51:08 AM »
My NPDexbf was also OBSESSED with wanting to do this, and I also had a medical problem that would have made it nearly impossible.  Every now and then in the course of our relationship, he would have an honest NPD moment, where he would tell me his motivation for something, but sort of disguise it as an "All guys do this because ________".  One time, when he was talking about how I should "just let him do it", I asked him why so many men seemed to be obsessed with it, and he said, "Because we know how badly the woman doesn't want to do it."

When he said it, I thought, "Well, there you have it."  It's not about sex.  It's about power.  It's about control.  It's about making you do something you don't want to do, because that is what brings him pleasure.  It's just sickening.

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penelopepureheart

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #20 on: January 14, 2017, 02:05:30 AM »
"Because we know how badly the woman doesn't want to do it."

When he said it, I thought, "Well, there you have it."  It's not about sex.  It's about power.  It's about control.  It's about making you do something you don't want to do, because that is what brings him pleasure.  It's just sickening.

Yep. It is sickening.  And very rapey. Treating us like objects.  It's not acceptable.

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LiveYourThrive

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #21 on: January 14, 2017, 11:38:39 PM »
Random panda - holysmokes! Our ex-bf's sound the same.  "It's about making you do something you don't want to do, because that is what brings him pleasure." That sounds like it fits and it freaks me out.

Codeep, thank you for posting your situation!  I had a similar situation with my covert-NPD-ex-bf (NC, broken up for over a year). It felt dehumanizing how he addressed the topic, ominously telling me the last time I was with him that he was going to do that to me next time although I stated that I don't want it and then telling me ominously that I was going to like it. Because sex discussion and certain kinds of sex are still taboo with some people, it felt horrible, but I didn't feel comfortable discussing it with anyone. Reading everyone's responses here has been incredibly validating all over again! Thank you for bringing it up.

One of you all mentioned revisiting things in your mind to re-validate yourself. I too re-innoculate myself now and then, so I will not question my decisions and will not regret his not being in my life. Ideally, there will come a day when I'm just so full of busy-ness with the good stuff in my own life that I've 'forgotten' thinking of this. But, especially, around holiday times, I occasionally revisit what happened with him.
 

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slow learner16

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #22 on: January 15, 2017, 09:51:57 AM »
in 16 years ive never felt anything short of shame before and after sex with him!! Hes always so over the top nice when he wants it, but the second he gets it, or thinks hes not gonna get it at all. U can legit watch his whole demeanor change as if someone else just stepped into his body. I am a survivor of rape, twice. And my own dad sexually abused me for years!! He also is aware of it, and i swear he says n does things purposely so hurtful, then will try to act like none of it was said or happened, and im crazy n just dont wanna do anything cause im lazy. And not that i have to defend myself to u good ppl, but i rarely even sit down im basicly a single mom that works at defussing live bombs everyday, on top of keeping an immaculate house to which he goes outta his way to destroy so "i dont get bored n lazy"

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slow learner16

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Re: Awkward Subject/Boundary Issue
« Reply #23 on: January 15, 2017, 10:24:37 AM »
if u dont mind me asking, how did u get him to acknowledge this disorder enough to get help?? Im so lost!! So any advise would be more than apperciated!!