Life after NM's death!

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Miss Kay

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Life after NM's death!
« on: January 10, 2017, 02:43:25 PM »
I haven't been here in months and some of you may not remember me.  Just for a little background, I had been NC with my NM for 8 years before she died mother's day weekend in 2016.  As a result of going NC with her, I became enemy number one to the two golden siblings and thus NC with them until the funeral.  My mom was so hateful that about half of the family had gone NC with her (most of her grandchildren) but showed up at the funeral out of respect.  Us misfits set on one side and the GC's and their children sat on the other side.  Anyway, it was quick and we got out of there without drama.  Once I got home, GC brother sent me a letter mom had left for me.  I figured it was coming and had the husband read it.  He said it was bad, really bad so I told him to throw it away.  I don't know what was in it and don't want to know.  I was of course written out of the will but then she didn't have much so no big deal.

This may sound like the begging of a sad story but I am here to tell you there is life after the drama!  I haven't' been on this site since the funeral because I simply have not needed it.  I do love this site though because it taught me so much and got me through the worst of it so I like to check in from time to time to see how the rest of you are progressing.  As for me, life has honestly never been better.  For the first time in my life I feel free.  I have no guilt, no worry, I'm not looking over my shoulder or afraid to get the mail.  My other scape goat brother has experience about the same thing.  His wife tells me she has never seen him more confident or jolly.  Our tormentor is gone! 

I have made it past the angry phase toward my bad siblings too.  I actually feel sorry for them.  They bought her lies and sold their soul to win her love and affection.  She defined who they were and now they are just left with the damage.  He's got a drinking problem and my sister is a chronic crier.  They are some messed up people and they don't even know why.  I hope now that she's gone that they too can be set free.  I want nothing to do with them but I hope they can rise above the insecurities they have as the result of being played by a crazy lady. 

As for you, find the strength to get away from these vampires and start your own life.  Learn who you really are, not who they told you you were.  Healing begins when you allow yourself to believe that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their personality disorder.  Also, stop wishing it could be different, would have been different, it isn't and it never will be.  It's just one part of your life though and you can leave it behind and move on.  You can never move on if you keep reaching back, trying, hoping, and trying to find that one thing that will make a difference.  That one thing you need is freedom from toxic sick people and only you can do that for yourself.  It is hard and scary but I am here to tell you that true happiness is on the other side.  Now go and get it!   

     

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looloo

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2017, 03:23:14 PM »
 :yourock:

So glad you wrote in with an update, Miss Kay!  And I'm thrilled for you, and inspired for my own future.  Thank you so much!
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2017, 03:31:32 PM »
Thank you for your uplifting post! I'm glad to read there is a good, calm life after their death.

I've only told one person that I'm not going to be broken up when my N/PPDm dies. In fact, I've been thinking it would be ok if it were sooner than later! I know I will finally feel peace and light. Like you, I won't be afraid to check my phone, email, text or mail. I won't have to feel the guilt of not spending "enough" time with her or listening to her. Can't wait!

Good for you having your husband read your M's bad, final letter. How dare she but from what I've been reading here, typical.

I don't think I'd have my husband read such a letter. Knowing my mom, she'd mention some deeply personal things I told her about my husband when her and I were best pals and confidants.  :sad2:  :sadno:


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Bloomie

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2017, 03:38:19 PM »
Hi Miss Kay! Wow, what a powerful and inspiring update. Thank you for every word! You are so wise to not allow whatever malevolent message was in that letter to touch your heart and soul. HOORAY for healthy living and knowing when to not engage! Great example to me and I am in awe of the self restraint and self care you showed. You honored yourself in that decision!

This part is especially moving for me to read:
Quote from: Miss Kay
As for you, find the strength to get away from these vampires and start your own life.  Learn who you really are, not who they told you you were.  Healing begins when you allow yourself to believe that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their personality disorder.  Also, stop wishing it could be different, would have been different, it isn't and it never will be.  It's just one part of your life though and you can leave it behind and move on.  You can never move on if you keep reaching back, trying, hoping, and trying to find that one thing that will make a difference.  That one thing you need is freedom from toxic sick people and only you can do that for yourself.  It is hard and scary but I am here to tell you that true happiness is on the other side.  Now go and get it!


 :udawoman:



 
Bloomie 🌸
"Some people really don't get it, that we matter as much as they do." Moglow
"It takes emotional maturity to maintain decent relationships." Spring Butterfly

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NewDawn

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2017, 04:20:51 PM »
Miss Kay,

Thank you for your inspirational post.  I am so happy you had the strength to not read that toxic letter and you are now finally free from your tormentor.

I liked what you said about your golden siblings - "They bought her lies and sold their soul to win her love and affection.  She defined who they were and now they are just left with the damage." This perfectly describes my situation to a tea.

I long to get to the place where you have arrived.  I have been NC for many years on and off, enslaved in anger, unforgiveness and rage with malignant NPDm because she continues to  torment me and I can't control the emotional PTSD storm when she chooses to rear her ugly head.  This last time, only a month ago, she really made me loose my balance and caused a spiral of very negative events in my life.  I can't  wait for this to finally end and for the "fair weather" friends to stop telling me to "forgive and forget."   

So happy you have found true peace of the other side.

Blessings to you!

 :bighug:

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Sunshine days

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2017, 04:22:02 PM »
Thank you for giving me life on the other side, I am waiting as she's close to death, I know this burden will be lifted but I am scared as to what I am dealing with with the gc and nutty sg/bs . Them two are codependents in a funny sort of way and I am the true sg the loyal dutiful daughter so now I am no contact and I have stood my ground I wonder how cruel they will be with me.

I am so happy for you , reading your story made my heart jump for joy, you must be dancing knowing what true freedom really is, nothing like no contact.

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Amadahy

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2017, 02:33:54 PM »
This is just wonderful!!!  TY for posting. I am 2 1/2 mos NC and most of the time it feels amazing!  I'm learning to look forward and am intentional in my self-care as I heal up from c-ptsd, so your post is affirmation, especially as today has been a hard day.  TY and every blessing!  💕💕💕
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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almostthere

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2017, 10:59:42 PM »
This was inspiring.   Thank you!

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blacksheep7

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2017, 09:14:09 AM »
Miss Kay   Thanks for sharing,  giving hope and courage.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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magenta22

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2017, 10:48:19 PM »
Amazing self-respect on your part for not reading the toxic letter she left to torment you! Well done!

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Miss Kay

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2017, 07:25:22 PM »
Well thank you everyone.  That woman always had to win at all cost and she always had to get the last word, so when that letter arrived, I knew it couldn't be good.  I decided she could only get the last word if her words actually made it to my eyes and heart and I was determined not to let her win.  She had always won but this time it would be me.  I had my husband read it just to be sure and he said yes, it was bad.  It was upsetting for a day or so but not at all surprising.  Then I realized she had given me a gift.  If she had sent a sweet letter saying she was sorry, loved me, and wished we could have worked things out it would have haunted me with what if's!  Instead, she confirmed everything I had suspected, that she was crazy, evil, hated me, was intent to hurt me, and I was wise to protect myself and family from her.  That was the gift she gave me.  Confirmation that I was sane and she was the nut.  It also helped that I wasn't the only one in the family that she hated and attacked.  It was as if I let it all go with her death.  It's hard to be mad at someone who's dead.  Whenever I think of her, and that's not often, I tell myself she's God's problem now - not mine!  And then I smile.   

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Sunshine days

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2017, 03:02:05 AM »
Miss Kay, what a wonderful ending, yes Gods problem. I think Satan will just snatch mine away when the time is ready. So happy you put a end to her cruelty it takes a lot to stand up to such  evilness

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mokey

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2017, 05:48:26 PM »
Is it weird that I want to say CONGRATULATIONS!!!  ??  :cheers:  I am so happy for you that your tormentor is gone!

I sometimes wonder what it will be like when my mother dies. I wonder if my distant and fractured relationships with siblings and my dad and extended family will change. I'm ok if they don't, but I just wonder. Mostly I think I will feel RELIEF. It's so validating to hear from people who feel similarly.

stop wishing it could be different, would have been different, it isn't and it never will be. 
So true! When I really accepted that, life changed in a big way.

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Adria

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2017, 04:19:44 PM »
Hi Miss Kay,  Great post!  I was not welcome at my mother's funeral, and no one told me till it was too late.  But I agree with you.  My mother sold me out and lied to everyone in the family about me continually for years. My father was the Narc, but my mother turned from a loving mother to a horrible person towards me because of dad and my sisters.  But, yes, after she passed, I hate to say it, but it was such a relief for me.  I didn't have to think about how she was smearing me to everyone she knew anymore.  It was like the sky cleared and the sun came out.  I can't believe I can say that, but it is so true.  It's amazing how they can take your love and smash it to smithereens so that you actually come to a place like this. 

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Newlife33

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Re: Life after NM's death!
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2017, 06:27:34 PM »
As for you, find the strength to get away from these vampires and start your own life.  Learn who you really are, not who they told you you were.  Healing begins when you allow yourself to believe that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their personality disorder.  Also, stop wishing it could be different, would have been different, it isn't and it never will be.  It's just one part of your life though and you can leave it behind and move on.  You can never move on if you keep reaching back, trying, hoping, and trying to find that one thing that will make a difference.  That one thing you need is freedom from toxic sick people and only you can do that for yourself.  It is hard and scary but I am here to tell you that true happiness is on the other side.  Now go and get it!   

   

Best thing I've read all day!!!