Here's A Question......

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EnglishLady

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Here's A Question......
« on: January 11, 2017, 09:58:11 AM »
Hi - Here's a question for you.  Can you tell me how you cope when your adult sons/daughters keep in contact with family members who side with the Narcs.  My 26 yr old daughter (only child) still sends birthday cards etc to my sisters even though she knows they bad moth me to my Narc Mother & EF and even my friends.   I have been NC for quite a while now (18 Months) with no contact from my parents or my 2 sisters (apart from a door step row).  But my daughter acts as though nothing has changed.  Why doesn't she feel anger towards them, or loyalty to me?  I just dont understand.  She wont discuss it either as she thinks its "boring".   What do they have to do to get a response from her - stab me to death!!  Sorry a bit dramatic but this is how I feel.  She is being manipulated and I have told her so but she wont have any of it and wont have a bad word said about my sisters.  Its very hurtful.

I am nothing like my NM, I love my daughter dearly and tell her so, I have always been very supportive and always will be so its not as though we have a difficult relationship, in fact we are very close, which baffles me even more.   I would never ask her to choose.  I feel they laugh at me as it makes it look as though my Daughter doesn't care about me and is secretly siding with them by not saying anything to them in my defense (their perception not mine).

Any advice would be really appreciated thank you from anyone in a similar situation.  Thank you. 

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randompanda

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Re: Here's A Question......
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2017, 10:35:02 AM »
Definitely been there.  I wish I had better advice than "They're in the FOG", but that's what it really comes down to most of the time.  It certainly doesn't make it hurt your feelings any less.  Coming Out of the FOG and going NC is a huge step, and a lot of people are just so uncomfortable with having that kind of confrontation, they think it's easier to just keep toeing the line. 

When I was abused, gaslighted, cheated on, publicly humiliated and discarded by my NPDexbf of 10 years, I was stunned at how many of our friends remained friends with him - and still do to this day.  Friends who were way closer to me than my own family, who I've known and loved for decades made excuses like, "That's just the way he is" or "I don't want to seem judgmental", or "It's none of my business", and it just baffled me.  Even today, years later, they will tell me in the same breath that they can't stand being around him, that his behavior has only grown more obnoxious and entitled, and I just sit there like  :wacko:.  Then why are you still friends with him??!

He is very persistent, and likes to corner people and make them feel awkward until he gets his way.  It's his M.O.  Some people think it's easier to just go along with it and then talk about him behind his back than to just tell him to get lost.  Personally, I don't get it.  If someone does something terrible to someone I love, then as far as I'm concerned, they're a terrible person, and I won't stand for it.  I couldn't stand to watch someone act that way and brush it off as, "Well, they've never done that to me!".  It's like, yeah, just wait.  You'll get your turn eventually, and don't come crying to me about it unless you want to hear "I told you so!"

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freedomspeace

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Re: Here's A Question......
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2017, 01:22:05 PM »
I am so sorry you are going through this

I wish my response was a solid answer for you

Please know that you are not alone in this - it feels like a betrayal

I can tell you I understand

I have one son (youngest) that cut off the extended family once we sat down and discussed what I was/had been going through and my decision to go NC.

I have another son who i know has sat on the side lines watching and allowed DIL(his wife) and my 2 sisters slandering me.
 - we have one brother in law - who does not put up with extended family cr*p, who has stood up for me, who has witnessed this going on

Bottom line I think it just depends on the person and there strength of character
- my youngest son has a fair understanding of boundaries, and has been a narc target on occasion
- my oldest is living with a narc (DIL)

not wanting to be harsh or hurtful here
- is it possible your daughter is enmeshed with the extended family

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Healing Finally

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Re: Here's A Question......
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2017, 04:35:22 PM »
Hi Freedom70, 

It's totally baffling how that FOG works.  It sounds to me like your 26 year old daughter is just not ready to give up the dream of your family being "normal".  She's not allowing herself to see the pain (not just yours but theirs too,) probably for her own protection.  You know how difficult it is to come OOTF.  And she probably just isn't mature enough. 

My 33 year old son kept saying "I don't involve myself in the family drama" for years (I am estranged from the family by my sister, but he's still invited to all family functions.)  He feels a sense of obligation to his younger (now adult) cousins (her children) and my Mom. 

No one has stood up for my side of this whole thing, not even my Mom (she is too entrenched.)  I never wanted to ask him too, as I felt this was not my place.  But recently I reminded him that not doing anything is just enabling the dysfunctional dynamic.

It wasn't until last month (2.5 years after incident) when he said he is thinking of not attending family functions until I am no longer banded.  It took him years to see what they did to me, (all the slander and gas-lighting was successful!) But, now he finally does and hopefully he is ready to make that line in the sand.

I feel your pain!  But, I do feel that someday she will understand, when she is ready.  Until then, I recommend to distance yourself from her relationship with your family.  Hope this helps.   :)

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Maisey

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Re: Here's A Question......
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2017, 07:58:56 PM »
They  can't comprehend the depth of what is going on.

I have mentioned  before, that in the last year all of my FOO who live close have gotten a dose of my MIL's special love. So they know what she does, but for the most part its been one incident each.

One person said they are just waiting for everyone to come to their senses.

The big speculation going round was whether MIL would actually  show up for Christmas dinner ........

One person said " well, you know, this is her only chance to see her grandkids".

 I know they just do not get it. MIL has worked to tear my family apart from the get go. Its what she does. I didn't understand what was going on for far too long.

She can't have five minutes unsupervised, she launches right in with her tactics.  I can't enjoy a get together because I have to keep an eye on the predator.

So yeah, its now a feel good moment because MIL is finally getting another chance to tear up someone's heart.

M.




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EnglishLady

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Re: Here's A Question......
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2017, 02:57:34 AM »
Thank you for your kind words of support.  I have read with interest and yes I agree maybe by our loved ones still being in contact with the people who hurt us is their way of coping and they dont really see the impact they have on us.  To my mind it sends a message out that their conduct is acceptable and they have one over us in some way.  I just feel that nobody has my back.  It makes us all feel really on our own to deal with it all doesnt it?  My daughter and I have had the occasional row about it when it all gets too much for me to cope with and she just shuts down and cant see my pain.  I do feel as though its a personal betrayal.  I'm working to get past it and just to distance my self from their relationship.  Its really hard   :(.  It hurts also when friends are in contact with my sisters even though they know the hurt they have caused me.  All I get in return is "I dont get involved" - thats my MIL favourite line also.  All I ask is a little bit of loyalty, thats all. 

I'm so pleased you understand its lovely to speak to people who are experiencing the same.     :bighug:

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Maisey

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Re: Here's A Question......
« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2017, 10:27:09 PM »
I get the feeling that some people view the situation as a long running feud between myself and MIL. And I am proud that my FOO and friends aren't the type that will just drop a person by taking sides in a single person to single person argument.

I have been looking for a little more support, tho.

Also, there maybe a certain entertainment factor in play. MIL is almost 80 and this one group ( friends and foo) just socialize everyday. Its great they are all out and about on the town. Now that MIL is getting warmed up to throwing  fits and mean-girl stuff in the general public, she provides some excitement. Its something to talk about or even anticipate, now that they are all over that scared-out-of-your-wits stage when you haven't experienced a rage before.

M.

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overitall

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Re: Here's A Question......
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2017, 12:12:13 PM »
I only have one child (out of 3) who sees my uBPDm and uNPDf...his contact with them is very little (2-3 times a year) but I think it's mostly due to guilt---DS is the favorite of my uNPDf and father is very, very careful around DS....I think my father has warned my uBPDm about how she acts around my DS because she hasn't done anything DIRECTLY to him....she still talks about him behind his back, but he just ignores it.....It bothers me, but I cannot control my son....I have warned him, but he chooses to continue....his siblings have both been burned by my parents and they are done....
For me, I realize that my son is unable to comprehend the abuse I encountered because it has not happened to him....many people just can't understand it until they have lived it....I know my son and I know that when it happens (and it will) he will be done....this is a lesson he has to learn on his own.
The only boundary that I have set with my son is that he is not to disclose ANYTHING about me...where I live, what I do, where I work, etc., and he is very good about that....

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EnglishLady

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Re: Here's A Question......
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2017, 03:30:12 AM »
Hi Overitall
I have done exactly the same as you by telling my Daughter that if she chooses to continue to see my Siblings etc then she has to respect my wishes and not to mention both her Father and myself in anyway and not to tolerate any negative comments aimed at us.  I am not there to see if this takes place but if the do mention me or her Dad in a negative way then she can see what kind of people they are.  They use my Daughter to get messages back to us about how great their lives are (yeah right) but little do they know that their conversations are never mentioned as I don't ask and she doesn't relay back. I hope that in time she will realise whats going on but until then there's nothing I can do, I have no control over the situation. 



I only have one child (out of 3) who sees my uBPDm and uNPDf...his contact with them is very little (2-3 times a year) but I think it's mostly due to guilt---DS is the favorite of my uNPDf and father is very, very careful around DS....I think my father has warned my uBPDm about how she acts around my DS because she hasn't done anything DIRECTLY to him....she still talks about him behind his back, but he just ignores it.....It bothers me, but I cannot control my son....I have warned him, but he chooses to continue....his siblings have both been burned by my parents and they are done....
For me, I realize that my son is unable to comprehend the abuse I encountered because it has not happened to him....many people just can't understand it until they have lived it....I know my son and I know that when it happens (and it will) he will be done....this is a lesson he has to learn on his own.
The only boundary that I have set with my son is that he is not to disclose ANYTHING about me...where I live, what I do, where I work, etc., and he is very good about that....