I'm hurting too much

  • 4 Replies
  • 334 Views
*

YellowOchre

  • New Member
  • *
  • 12
I'm hurting too much
« on: December 22, 2016, 04:16:56 PM »
Hello,

I'm new here. A website I visited in desperation recommended this site. I'm from a different culture from most people here and English isn't my first language so please feel free to correct my grammar.

I'm an ACON, my mother is the malignant type. I never knew about personality disorders untill a few months back (though I knew my mother was far from normal) I always thought she was mentally ill and have cut contact with her for three years now.

My problem right now is that my husband fits the description of  the Covert type. All the years we've been married have been unhappy ones for me and I almost left him 3yrs ago, that was when it struck me that the marriage seems to be OK for him and he says he doesn't know what  unhappiness I'm talking about.

My problem is that I never was good at articulating my emotions. I knew my husband was inconsiderate, selfish and down right unreasonable but because he didn't shout at me, dish out nasty verbal put downs it didn't occur to me he was always doing the same things my mother and her husband did to me.

I'm writing here, now, because I hurt too much. He has done so many evil things to me, plus since i started to have time to myself to think a lot, I've realised that he wasn't just being inconsiderate, he did those things on purpose to hurt me. For example, after we had a big blow out, he realised I wasn't responding to him like before so he told me he was willing to make adjustments in his attitude and treatment of me. He said it was my fault he did some things to me. He said he did some (very painful) things to me because of a statement I made in the first year of marriage. I was truly shocked to my bones. There was no way any normal sane person would take what I said as a personal attack and then proceed to punish me for it for 20years!

Its all beginning to make sense; forcing me to have sex, the neglect, depriving me, policing my every activity (even tries to do that to my thoughts), never verbally saying so but showing by actions that I have absolutely zero rights in my own home, being mean to the children in order to hurt me, telling me constantly (whatever crazy thing he's doing) was all in my mind, creating a picture of a perfect family oriented man to the world, insisting I obey him without question, keeping secrets, manipulating me into doing whatever i do not want to do, ensuring i have little opportunity to socialize, giving people false impressions of me, sabotaging my business, blaming me for things other people did, never could have a decent conversation with him, the arguments never go anywhere and are so utterly pointless.

Should I confront him? Two days ago, I wrote down some things I could remember that he did, looking at them on paper helps me to see that I'm not crazy or making things up, and also to see if there's a pattern to his behaviour. I expect he will deny most of them or say he doesn't remember.

Please help! I would love to just up and leave but my circumstances make it impossible for me to do so right now. The children would never understand (at least not for a long while).

He does all these things while smiling and telling me he loves me, this guy honestly has no idea what love is (I don't blame him because his mother is NPD and his father was an absentee dad).

I have tried to model love to him, talked to him about the importance of showing affection to his children (why repeat what your dad did?) He would agree with everything I say and then do nothing or do the opposite.

Has anyone had experience similar to mine? Did confrontation work? Is it possible to confront without the endless merry-go-round argument? I can't take the pain any more. Please help.

*

xredshoesx

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 12172
Re: I'm hurting too much
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2016, 10:44:59 AM »
welcome to the forum yellowochre,

i'm so sorry the patterns of  PD  from your childhood and experiences with your mother are now being repeated in your relationship with your husband.  i also have an uPD mother (NC 23 years this year) and continued that patterns that were ingrained with her with my exuPD BF because i didn't see the link between the way i was raised to be a doormat and the choices i was making as an adult,  our situation was different and we didn't have kids, so my outcomes and choices were also different once i got the enlightenment and courage i needed to have to make the decision that worked best for me.

i felt trapped for the last year or so of my relationship with my ex and i know how long and hard the days can be.  so many things have to be in place for anyone involved in a relationship with a PD/uPD to be able to make a safe exit, and knowing that you can't leave but want to makes it so much harder to get through the days.  my heart goes out to you and i can say the one thing that helped me was having someone to talk to IRL about what was going on- i had taken a class that required the participants to meet with a SW intern to experience the steps of the counseling process and we ended up working together longer because of the depth of the problems i shared with her.  it really helped shore me up and get me through the next 9 months until i felt strong enough and prepared enough to make the final decision to go.

we do have an active group of members that are working on staying and improving their relationships with their uPD/ PD partner/ spouse.  i think that this area of the board could help you get the support and validation you need to be strong and be able to find some better strategies, boundaries and coping mechanisms to help you through this very difficult time where you want to be out of the relationship but can't leave.    we also have a group of members who are actively working on leaving their relationship who may be able to give you ideas as they have shared with the board the things they had to do in order to actively plan towards ending the relationship, as well as the roadblocks and things their PD/uPD spouse or partner did to make the process longer and more difficult.

please take care over the next few days- the holidays always brought out the worst in my biological mother and my ex, and i just hope you are out there somewhere seeing this and knowing that we get it and we want to be able to be a resource for you as you start this journey-

*

YellowOchre

  • New Member
  • *
  • 12
Re: I'm hurting too much
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2016, 04:41:02 PM »
Thank you so much xredshoesx.  From the little I've read here, I am amazed at how others are dealing with their various situations.

I live in an underdeveloped country and I don't know of any professional therapist, here most counselling is done by a religious leader.

Is it possible to work with a therapist online? I feel I need to talk to someone who will understand what I'm talking about. Can you recommend one please?

Any other suggestion will be welcome.

*

xredshoesx

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 12172
Re: I'm hurting too much
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2016, 05:54:03 PM »
we're a peer support group that works on an anonymous basis, so unfortunately we can't recommend professional services.  if you do end up googling someone, please check their credentials and make sure they are properly endorsed just for your own protection and peace of mind.

*

YellowOchre

  • New Member
  • *
  • 12
Re: I'm hurting too much
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2017, 05:54:33 PM »
Thank you again xredshoesx. I will search online and be careful in choosing a therapist.

I have been learning many new words and coming to clarity and understanding of all that I've been  through.

Some people here could very well be me! This helps me tremendously, though I feel so bad for them. Nobody should have to go through these things.