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Out of the FOG
The Welcome Mat
January 11, 2017, 10:16:10 PM »
I found this site a few months ago and am only just coming Out of the FOG! I love that phrase. I am in the beginning stages of separating from my partner who seems to exhibit a lot of the traits listed and I am overwhelmed by seeing him so differently with these new lenses. I have been blamed for much of what has happened. I have been made to feel and believe that I was the one that was disordered, or screwy in some way and I had felt that I needed him to take care of me and protect me. I realize now, after seeing a pattern that he has this way of undermining my mental health and sense of self, sometimes even my sense of reality, and then when I spiral down in despair feeling that I am oh so messed up and incapable, he comes to my rescue and starts seemingly to take care of me, making me food, being sweet and loving. But if I ask him for love or a hug, he will do so grudgingly and will usually say something mean at the same time. For example, one day I was crying and asked him for a hug, he hugged me barely touching me, then said you're really hard to love when you're like this. I just thought he had a problem with emotional intimacy, but he seems to be able to turn it on and off like a switch. I still don't know if he is disordered or if I am. I have been to three different counsellors, they all said I was responding normally and reacting normally to the circumstances I was experiencing. One flat out said I was in an abusive relationship. I have called two hotlines in the past couple of days, they also concur that I am experiencing coercive control and mental, emotional abuse. Which is devastating and shocking and I am coming out of denial now. It is a tough place to be. The reason I am here today is trying to figure out if this is some kind of pd, or if I truly am the one with the issue, what i need to do to repair myself so I can be better for my children. Yesterday I reached out to my family and friends and copied him and one of his family members I trust on the mail, explaining how incapable I was starting to feel to be separated and living alone so far from all of them and not sure how I was going to manage things. I expressed my fear that my email might be used against me in a custody battle but that I wanted to reach out in a last ditch effort to restore my faith in people, in everything. A flood of support came back reminding me that i am a good mother and a loving mother and I am strong and need to end this relationship and move out as quickly as possible away from him and that no-one should be undermining either of us in our capability to be good parents. Later this evening, my partner, in response to all these emails and me reasserting it was not ok for him to keep implying I had some kind of disorder, sent the following in an email just to me: I want this written into our divorce agreement, that I do not believe it is in the best interests of our children that you have primary custody , but i won;t contest it and drag it through the courts because I know that these things are really unfair and always on the side of the mother."
I haven't responded to his bait but I am still reeling. I want so much not to be affected by this kind of thing, but this has been going on for years, this weird undermining of me. On the other hand, I suppose its normal for an angry ex spouse to want to hit out at their parenting. Its just seems weirdly cruel to send this to me today. hot on the heels of my admitted despair about feeling incapable and scared about separation. He has suggested that he is concerned that I have some kind of delusion disorder, another time he suggested I was borderline. But he is so disparaging about this and doesn't seem interested in getting me help for those things. he says its not his place to. I am trying not to spiral down because of this. Thank you for listening. I hope I made sense.
Re: New Here
Reply #1 on:
January 12, 2017, 09:43:31 AM »
taraontherise, welcome. I am sorry to hear of your pain, confusion and feelings of despair.
A number of professionals have listened and advised you are in an abusive, controlling relationship. You have identified the traits here.
PD's can be very cruel, overtly and covertly. Expect cruelty. Expect that they do not, nor cannot truly care about you, your feelings, your needs. What spouse (if indeed it was true that you are the problem) would suggest it is not his place to find help for you?
It sounds like you have family support and their confidence in you and your parenting abilities. I encourage you to find your way out of the relationship, surround yourself with as much support as posssible, seek counselling, read and educate yourself on PD's, check out the toolbox here, don't engage him, save yourself and your children.
Wishing you courage, strength and hope for a better future with the love you deserve.
Re: New Here
Reply #2 on:
January 12, 2017, 10:48:21 AM »
Welcome to OOTF. If Tara is your real name I'd suggest changing you screen name to protect your confidentiality. I understand the pain and confusion created by a PD partner. Look at the Separating and Divorcing board. There is also a link for how to be safe when leaving in the Toolbox. The Toolbox can be helpful in a lot af areas, especially on setting Boundaries, no JADE and avoiding Circular Conversations. Wishing you peace and strength as you start this journey.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow
Re: New Here
Reply #3 on:
January 12, 2017, 11:08:22 AM »
Hello TotR (taraontherise)
Welcome to OOTF!
Coyote gives wise advice about the user name, as well as the useful materials here on OOTF!
Summersun pins it down quite well.
Read up on all the PD tools. Sounds like you have your mind mostly made up. What you will go through now with him is likely he will try every tactic that exists in the PD handbook. So read, read, read, then start studying the toolbox here for non-PD persons, that way you will be well equipped to get through the storm that will inevitably come of your separation.
Wishing you solid hope, confidence, and resolve.
Looking forward to seeing you on the boards.
"This isn't living, this is just not dying" - Eep Crood