When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?

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On.My.Way

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When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« on: February 06, 2017, 10:52:18 PM »
I have found that alot of us here have had a high tolerance for abuse from the PD's in our lives. A lot of us are also very empathetic, and so we have forgiven and went back hoping that someday they would change and finally see us as real people with a heart and feelings and as a separate person deserving of love and respect but we all have a limit. Each person knows their limit. So, to those that have went no contact and walked away, please tell me, what was your limit?

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all4peace

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2017, 11:13:46 PM »
I'm not NC, which would be nearly impossible since I live next door to uNBPDmil and family, but I'm incredibly LC considering that fact.

My very last straw was when mil was angry, hostile and pushing buttons before, during and after a major surgery I had, and my recovery time. The word that was screaming in my head at that time was DONE!!! I just kept on thinking, done, done, done, done, done. I've never felt that way before, and I felt like I was about to lose my mind, but I was weak, healing, in pain, anxious, insomniac, and this woman who had been nothing but a thorn in my side for 2 decades was showing me her very worst behavior when I was at my weakest and lowest point. There was no going back after that.

It was during that time that I started counseling, sought other counsel, and found OOTF. Coming ootf, I was eventually "forced" to see how bad my childhood actually had been, stopped accepting certain behaviors from my own parents, and unfortunately/fortunately have a greatly revised relationship with them also.

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Pantomeme

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2017, 11:29:37 PM »
For me it was the NPD person inventing that I was trying to go behind her back and develop a relationship with a guy she was interested in. She was fully convinced she was right and I was lying, despite 1) me being really happy in my own relationship (which she had a problem with), and 2) me getting to the point of tears because she was being so mean to me over it, and then when I would try to set things right with her, she would tell me I was being dramatic and I needed to stop bringing it up(huh?!). 

She gave me so much anxiety when I tried to stand up to her. We "smoothed things over" face to face and I was hoping to keep things peaceful, but then she went behind my back and told a mutual friend the whole big lie again. That was that. I disconnected myself from her on social media and blocked her.

The whole ridiculous thing happened and tipped the iceberg, but in truth several other episodes had happened before where she lashed out at me. This was just my final limit with it.

I'm still mad, but better mad and free of the BS, than taken emotionally hostage and miserable.



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Foreignwoman

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2017, 12:48:30 PM »
On.My.Way, I'm almost 20 years NC with my entire FOO and my decision was an accumulation of events. The feeling to break away was when I was a young teenager. Being abused for so long and as an intuitive introvert I had taken enough.

I went living on myself when I was 18 and I felt totally lost. Later in life I realised more and more how ill my entire FOO behaved. I was about 30 when I became so sick being manipulated an triangulated that I needed to move myself out of that situation. I had to protect my sanity, because I almost went insane. Everytime I saw them the life was sucked out of me and I had severe panic attacks.

After that, I maybe saw them once or twice, and that was never a good idea.
No regrets from my NC.

FW
Freedom is never voluntary given by the oppressor, it is demanded by the oppressed.

Martin Luther King, Jr

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blacksheep7

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2017, 03:44:08 PM »
I would have to say that it was at the end of last year, after already going nc, once, in 2008, after a year when my NF died.  Nm had tantrums.  I had to parent her.  She wanted me to be enmeshed, a friend confidant, nurse, to take care of her.  She was a submissive wife to our NF who traumatized us with his abuse.  I suffered anxiety and panic attacks for most of my life.  .  I was doing ok and my anxiety came back when nf died. 

Plus she always put our nf on a pedestal, never admitted to the abuse, saying we were bad kids.

We reunited after 3 yrs, she  was not to bad. Then her gc  alcoholic muppet son came back, 2 yrs ago  because  his narc, manipulative  wife died.  Couldn't be alone.   We all forgave him even though  we hardly saw  him in 35 yrs. He never attended our brother's son christening to which he was the godfather, nor to his wedding.  Did not even try to get to know his nieces or nephews.  Loved bombed us with big gifts, when he came back.
Well he screwed up again because of his drinking and she was a witness.  I decided to go nc with him but narcm , minimized it, lied, manipulated, triangulated and tried to punish me like a child by emotional blackmail, make me look like the bad girl. Got the silent treatment.  When I was nc, the first time, I was quite sick and hospitalised a few times. She heard about it but never even called  dh to show some concern or empathy.  She tries to show perfection, kindness and love to others.  She's so fake.  I'm not interested in her and this started years ago when I never had much feelings for her cause I saw right through her.  She disgusts me. 
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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Foreignwoman

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2017, 03:24:27 AM »
Blacksheep, so sorry to hear your story.

 :hug:

FW
Freedom is never voluntary given by the oppressor, it is demanded by the oppressed.

Martin Luther King, Jr

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blacksheep7

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2017, 10:26:36 AM »
Aww thanks Foreignwoman, your're a sweetheart  :-*
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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Sunshine days

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2017, 06:07:16 PM »
BS, I understand what you are saying , you have had enough and want it to be real and loving and you are so worth it. I have a gc muppet to just accepting it really that hes always going to be the narcs most desirable traits. I cant really say it was a build up of one thing after another , I kept getting snippets into things and I started to ponder stuff, came across narcissim etc etc then my path flew open and I was in tears and the first of 4 no contacts came , each one built my identity up and I am no contact at the moment 12 weeks in total , I am just starting to feel much freer with out the nagging feeling shes going to ring me, I don't get the anxiety I once had. come to think of it I was a nervous wreck and believing in myself was so hard but you know what I made it and life does get better. No contact speaks volumes and puts you in control. Do you really want that? or are you happy just hanging in there?

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static-pallor

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2017, 06:54:44 PM »
I've had a few "enough is enough!" points but had trouble sticking with that mentality when I was with my ex. And that's the thing, it'd be just the IDEA that enough is enough, but I'd never go through with it. I just hoped things would improve and things lately had seemed pretty fine.
Then he broke up with me one night randomly in December, after I confronted him about something, and then a few weeks later already had someone new. That should've been my definite "Ok, that's it" moment, and I wanted it to be, but not even then! I'd still try to talk at points and likewise. Not even about our relationship anymore, just even to talk in general. Even though I knew that was pointless and counterproductive, it's like I felt compelled to still. I still had feelings and it's been hard to totally let go, but I'm seeing I NEED to go NC just for myself. so I can totally let go.

And after I found this forum/site, the more I read about PD's in general, people's stories, their struggles, their feelings, it's also evident how beneficial it is to go NC. I realized I can't trust my ex, especially now. I had a hard time always trusting him before too but this all really ruined everything. Not only trust being an issue too, just how frustrated, anxious, hurt he could make me at times. I literally felt I was crazy a few times with him. One time in particular I was actually questioning my own sanity. I can see that's all not worth worrying about, having, or feeling anymore.

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Ohboy77

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2017, 04:02:10 PM »
I have found that alot of us here have had a high tolerance for abuse from the PD's in our lives. A lot of us are also very empathetic, and so we have forgiven and went back hoping that someday they would change and finally see us as real people with a heart and feelings and as a separate person deserving of love and respect but we all have a limit. Each person knows their limit. So, to those that have went no contact and walked away, please tell me, what was your limit?

After 20 +/- years I was just metally and physically tired. The situation was already rocky and it took 1 small argument where i was being demonized while i was away on business to say "I'm done, I'm not coming home." and that was that. I hit my breaking point. I was easily ready and willing to be mauled by wild boars before returning to that relationship.

It was like I finally realized that i was staring into the physical embodiment of a black hole and would never be able to fill it..
Take what I say with a grain of salt, I'm pretty sure I'm Nutz! But I'm feeling much better now ;)

Revenge is for the weak. Forgiveness is for the strong. Forgetting is for the stupid.

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Summer Sun

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #10 on: February 23, 2017, 11:58:00 AM »
Yes, we are forgiving, empathetic, hopeful.  Hope the PD that we thought we knew will show up and love us again.  The intermittent reinforcement kept us hooked.  Until, the last straw.  The straw that broke the camels back.  I never really thought about that saying until now.  A straw.  One straw.  Breaks a camels back.  Suggests to me that stacks and bales of straw preceded.  Which is the case with each of my UPD's.

1.  Uxnpd -  worn down to dust, isolated, fearful for my life, while trying to function and present as normal.  One night had a glimpse of my future in another woman.  i'll save the details, but said to self.  Is this what you want?  Can you survive another 30, 40 years of this?  I knew I had to escape, or die.  I chose life, and what a great life it has been with DH.

2.  UNsib -  after much invalidation, devaluation, using, bullying, projection - she served a dish of ST, followed by bullying ultimatum using her sick DH in attempt to emotionally hold me hostage.  Rewrote our recent history to vilify me, project her traits, behaviours and blame me for the state of our relationship.  I was put in the ultimate no win or double bind.  This UPD positions herself as a professional, superior etc.  I was simply done.  Lost the desire to attempt reconnection as I saw who she really is.  I mean REALLY? 

3.  The uBPDbro.  too much here.  Chinese water torture comes to mind.  I tired of the push pull.  Tired of the covert put downs.  Wearied from being only an audience, and being useful on occasion.  Drained from being the only one to initiate connection, and then not really feeling loved or welcome.  Dimished in every aspect.  The last straw was the obvious alignment, collusion, triangulations between these last two.  I am the IP or SG. 

The despair, depression, anxiety and overwhelming loss was robbing me of any joy, and I experienced dread at each interaction and the fallout thereafter.  I was allowing them the power to suck the life out of me, I was self soothing, and sinking.  I have been a good sister.  I deserve more.  I deserve love, honest, open, respectful relationships.  I cannot change or control them, nor did I create the generations of dysfunction.  I can only choose to save myself.  They are quite capable of looking out for themselves and have each other.  It is my turn now.

Hugs to all who've shared, still hurting, still healing.

SS
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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Sunshine days

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #11 on: February 23, 2017, 05:56:42 PM »
 well said summer sun, I feel the same and because I do I have healed. I was telling a friend today I feel my wound has closed and no one can pick at it no more, it feels good to be strong and not feel needy because someone treats us badly. take care xx

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Tootsie Roll

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #12 on: February 24, 2017, 07:42:28 PM »
Short, okay, maybe long story.
Received a text from my Nazi brother 8 days ago.  My cruel, old testament racist dad fell on the ice and was in the hospital.  My manipulative, guilt-trip, victim queen mom was home alone.  So, since I live 1,500 miles away, I called out the troops to help my mom.  Part of the troops was my Nazi brothers wonderful x-wife.  The x-wife is a Registered Nurse, with a bachelors degree, and my mom respects her.  Of course, Nazi brother saw the call the troops email and called me.  Condescended, raised his voice to me, "You do know her and I are divorced, right?"  I attempted to explain, then realized no matter what I said, it would make no difference.  I was sick and tired of the cruelty.  So, I told him F- u.  He responded in like and I hung up. 

Of course, then the text hate starts.  During this time, I realize to get rid of 1 (Nazi brother), I have to get rid of all 3.  Not a bad idea anyway, I had reached my last thread with my mom, and have never really acknowledged my dad's existence anyway.  I have listened to my mom complain about her terrible life for 40 years, and how she can't do anything about it, but suffer.  She told everyone I was learning disabled, oh poor her...  needless to say, I am not.  My dad is just, well, inhuman, so, going into his story is not worth it. 

So, I wrote a letter.  Read it to my husband.  And, with his support, signed it, put it in an envelope, and dropped it in the mail. 

Enough was finally enough.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

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Ellie307

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #13 on: February 25, 2017, 06:34:44 AM »
With my ex NPDBF I was so empathetic and forgiving, I eventually turned myself into a doormat. We were together for 12 years. I knew I wanted out for the last 3 years we were together.
I didn't leave because he had lost his job and had begun the long, arduous process of applying for disability. He refused to work as the pay scale wasn't what he deserved to make. I was his only source of income. After his D and B passed away, the rest of his family started shutting him out. I felt so sorry for him.
After four years of unemployment, constant complaining about what HE was going through, and the accusations that I wasn't supportive enough, I was tired. Combine that with the verbal and financial abuse which began soon after we met, the camel's legs were ready to give out.
The last and final straw was when he began verbally abusing my adult daughters (not his). He refused to let my oldest stay with us when she had nowhere else to go. When she came over, they started arguing and he spit in her face.
I told him to his face that was the last straw. I left 2 months after that. My empathy for him vanished and everything he had done and said to me came rushing in. It was like someone took my blinders off. All in that one moment.
Sorry, I didn't mean to hog your thread. Once I started this story I couldn't stop!
"Make it worth the price we pay."
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
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Tootsie Roll

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #14 on: February 25, 2017, 10:47:33 AM »
With my ex NPDBF I was so empathetic and forgiving, I eventually turned myself into a doormat. We were together for 12 years. I knew I wanted out for the last 3 years we were together.
I didn't leave because he had lost his job and had begun the long, arduous process of applying for disability. He refused to work as the pay scale wasn't what he deserved to make. I was his only source of income. After his D and B passed away, the rest of his family started shutting him out. I felt so sorry for him.
After four years of unemployment, constant complaining about what HE was going through, and the accusations that I wasn't supportive enough, I was tired. Combine that with the verbal and financial abuse which began soon after we met, the camel's legs were ready to give out.
The last and final straw was when he began verbally abusing my adult daughters (not his). He refused to let my oldest stay with us when she had nowhere else to go. When she came over, they started arguing and he spit in her face.
I told him to his face that was the last straw. I left 2 months after that. My empathy for him vanished and everything he had done and said to me came rushing in. It was like someone took my blinders off. All in that one moment.
Sorry, I didn't mean to hog your thread. Once I started this story I couldn't stop!
Reading your story, thinking of my No Contact brothers fiance.  I warned her when they started dating about 6 years ago.  He refuses to work, even though he was most recently a truck driver, it's just easier to collect unemployment. 
It's sad that you spent 12 years in that environment.  I hope his fiance doesn't take that long, she seems like a nice person too. 
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.