When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?

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biggerfish

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #20 on: March 09, 2017, 11:15:55 AM »
well done biggerfish  aint that the truth , hows your panic disorder now? your anxiety .
Thank you for asking. It's very much improved. I'm working on self-compassion, self-acceptance, and I've gone NC with my inner critic. As a result, the anxiety just isn't as intense as it used to be. It doesn't take over my brain and body.

Now I can try new things. Case in point -- I'm going for a volunteer job interview today. Wish me luck. Yes there is recovery from anxiety and panic!

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Sunshine days

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #21 on: March 09, 2017, 04:38:28 PM »
well done biggerfish  aint that the truth , hows your panic disorder now? your anxiety .
Thank you for asking. It's very much improved. I'm working on self-compassion, self-acceptance, and I've gone NC with my inner critic. As a result, the anxiety just isn't as intense as it used to be. It doesn't take over my brain and body.

Now I can try new things. Case in point -- I'm going for a volunteer job interview today. Wish me luck. Yes there is recovery from anxiety and panic!
Good luck, whats the new job for? yes theres recovery and isn't it a great feeling the more positive we get. x

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noregrets

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #22 on: March 20, 2017, 05:39:05 PM »
After 25 years of marriage, my NH left me a year ago, assuming he could come back at any time.  We continued to "work on our marriage," including sex for a few months. At that point, I had not had my lightbulb moment yet.  Late last summer, within a couple of weeks time, my dad had a stroke and was in the hospital for a week, one of our dogs tore ligaments in both rear legs and had to have surgery,  and I suffered a ruptured disc that left me unable to walk and in severe pain for a couple of weeks, effectively removing me as my husband's supply for attention and sex.  While I was recovering from steroid injections in my back and just starting to be able to walk again, he came over to the house one morning.  Some workers were upstairs at our house, so he tried to forcefully pull me into a work room in our basement, with a concrete floor and filled with tools and workout equipment,  because he said he had figured out a way we could have sex without hurting my back.  That was the moment in which I realized that he literally did not care about me at all, that he was willing to risk seriously damaging my back and my ability to walk,  just because he hadn't had sex in a few weeks..   We own a business together and have children, so NC isn't possible at this point, but there have been very few times since that day when I have allowed myself to be alone with him.   

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all4peace

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #23 on: March 20, 2017, 09:45:36 PM »
allison--I just want to welcome you and tell you how sorry I am that this has been your experience as a marriage partner! What a terribly noncompassionate and cruel person to treat you that way. I'm so sorry.

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Tootsie Roll

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #24 on: March 22, 2017, 10:17:30 PM »
After 25 years of marriage, my NH left me a year ago, assuming he could come back at any time.  We continued to "work on our marriage," including sex for a few months. At that point, I had not had my lightbulb moment yet.  Late last summer, within a couple of weeks time, my dad had a stroke and was in the hospital for a week, one of our dogs tore ligaments in both rear legs and had to have surgery,  and I suffered a ruptured disc that left me unable to walk and in severe pain for a couple of weeks, effectively removing me as my husband's supply for attention and sex.  While I was recovering from steroid injections in my back and just starting to be able to walk again, he came over to the house one morning.  Some workers were upstairs at our house, so he tried to forcefully pull me into a work room in our basement, with a concrete floor and filled with tools and workout equipment,  because he said he had figured out a way we could have sex without hurting my back.  That was the moment in which I realized that he literally did not care about me at all, that he was willing to risk seriously damaging my back and my ability to walk,  just because he hadn't had sex in a few weeks..   We own a business together and have children, so NC isn't possible at this point, but there have been very few times since that day when I have allowed myself to be alone with him.   
Reminds me of my x-husband!  After we separated and beginning the divorce proceedings, he asked if we could still have sex?  Um...  ya.  It's easy to see what the other person really cares about.  Definitely reinforced my decision to file for a divorce. 
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

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Siren

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #25 on: March 23, 2017, 09:47:23 PM »
When we were discarded after my NPD stbx left me for the 15th time a few weeks after a major craniotomy out West for a rare brain disease only affecting 1:2 million, over a silly fight. I had the lightbulb moment regarding the lovebombing, neverending cycles of devalue/discard, silent treatments, gaslighting, projection and every other manipulation tool within the narcissist's reach. It's been seven weeks since he left, and he told me he wanted a divorce, which too, was a game for him. It went too far. I found out many lies, and the lies just kept going. I am finally done. Done. Done. My kids are finally on board, and we're just going full throttle ahead, even though he left us in financial ruins because he's impulsive, has no real career, and he used my career as his own for status.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

― Carl Jung

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clara

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #26 on: March 26, 2017, 10:12:39 AM »
With my uNPD exh, when he spent his last dime on a camera he "had to" have,  leaving himself with no money and thus me to pay what bills we had.  After 7 years of crap just like this, it was as if a little light went off in my head and I realized that I could be poor all by myself, thank you very much--I didn't need the extra baggage of having him around since I was going to be poor regardless!  Got out soon after and yeah, I was broke much of the time, but at least I was dealing with a responsible adult (myself). 

With my uNPD/BPD ex-so-called-best friend, it just happened.  One day I got a curt response e-mail from him after an inquiry about how his recent vacation went, and I realized I was done with him.  It was literally like the fog had lifted and I thought, for the first time, what on earth am I getting out of this relationship besides nothing?  I ask a nice, polite, and sincere question and he gets short with me.  Yep, done and done.

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Tootsie Roll

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #27 on: March 27, 2017, 10:58:38 PM »
Oh Clara, I totally understand where you are coming from!  My X-husband and I...  we were always broke.  He would give me his paycheck, yes, and I would pay all the bills...  and we were still broke!  It was always he bought a new gaming computer on the credit card, or a new game came out, or...  well, the money just was always gone!  And, I have never been a spender. 

So, left him.  Did you know, I was more financially stable on my own income, by myself, than when I was with him?  All the sudden I am saving money, able to afford college classes and books - it was amazing!  Got my car fixed - even maintained a savings account just for emergency purposes.  Increased my 401K contribution. 

We're always learning... 
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

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Siren

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #28 on: March 30, 2017, 01:31:22 PM »
I had the enough is enough moment after the 20th cycle or so of silent treatment/discard, and when he left again over something that caused some huge narcissistic injury, and he threatened divorce again and went so far as getting a lawyer, I just decided that this would be it. No more space to let him come back. This was it. 10 years of my life gone to this NPD was enough. Now, I miss him so dearly, and there are days when I feel so weak that if he apologized, I would forgive him, but I can't this time. This was it. I deserve more. My kids deserve more. This was not meant to last forever. It was just a passage to a better place, and although I am afraid of what is to come and to learn what really is "me," I needed to jump off of the rocky waves of drama.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

― Carl Jung

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WeAreAllATadBitBroken

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #29 on: March 30, 2017, 01:52:43 PM »
when 'the plaintiff' (former parent/ uPDf) said the following to me in the span of just a few hours at my home last september was the day i went NC.   these were the small straws that broke the camel's back:

'you can't afford a car' when i stated that it was something i wanted to get for myself in the not so distant future.

'that's sad' when i mentioned moving myself and my kiddo to not so expensive rental accommodations so that my income could be better utilized.

'what about me?' when i stated that i desired to have a normal adult interpersonal relationship with a significant other of my own, instead of playing the caretaking parts of 'wife' role to him any longer.
I know now there is no bargaining with the PD- because via research and experience you learn that when you deal with PD you sure aren't getting a bargain!

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mercurial

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #30 on: May 10, 2017, 10:56:02 AM »
My mother called me out of the blue and wanted me to have dinner with her. Idiot me (that poor kid) was so excited; proof I was cared about! She finally wanted to see I was okay and hear how I was! No. She wanted sympathy from her roommate for what a horrible daughter she had. As soon as I was at her house, she fiddled with her phone, and then excused herself from the conversation. After that she refused to participate in the conversation or even look at me, and kept putting me in awkward situations waiting for me to get mad. Turned out she had texted her roommate to come over, excused herself to let him in, and hid him in an out sight room as a secret witness. Except all she proved was she had a daughter very excited to be there whom she was treating very badly. Eventually it dawned on me that I was not welcome there, and it was her poor roommate that was standing there watching the realization come over my face, that I was not loved, and was not welcome. And though he tried to deny it, when I pointed out that any restaurant that treated the people the way they were treating me would soon go out of business, you could see he was pretty ashamed of himself. They talked me into staying for the rest of the meal but that was definitely the moment, standing there with tears running down my face realizing I would never be welcome in my mother's home while a stranger sat there and watched me crumble.

It would be another five years of sporadic contact before I accepted everything that meant and was ready to let go of every contact. I was just tired. I was tired of the realization that the only way I would know I had done something she should approve of was to see the sigh of disappointment, because she couldn't talk trash about what I had done, or it was better than she felt she could do and therefore she was going to have do something to put me back in my place.

Plus everything always saying don't call out the narcissist and that to me is like saying; their need to be stupid is more important than your need to say what your life is like. And I just can't abide that. I had a health scare and worked really hard throughout every day to get healthier. And here is this person come back into my life not just destroying all my hard work but talking trash about it behind my back to everyone, too. NO. She doesn't get act like that and keep me in her life, nor should she. If she wants to act badly, she deserves to be cut out. I will not stay around and by my silence and my presence condone her bad behavior towards me. No one else would, they would leave too.

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Sunshine days

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #31 on: May 11, 2017, 03:00:18 AM »
Well said mercurial x

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personal

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #32 on: May 26, 2017, 03:18:32 AM »
I have to say that after spending almost 30 years with my partner, it didn't end with a bang but with a whimper.
I remember having spent the last 6 months or maybe more trying to find the courage to say I wanted to separate.
The fact alone that every  day I would be fearful of his reaction prevented me from acting. And didn't he know my fear so well.
It was only after I had managed to save a small sum from my part time work, meanwhile paying all the bills, the rent and him giving me a measly token towards food.
I wont go into all the details because that's for another post, but I think it was the 8 bottles of whiskey that he bought for himself over that last fortnight and me finally saying to myself that now was the time , fuck the consequences. Even my life was worth it to save my integrity.
The irony was ,that he said that he'd been thinking about it for a year but I suppose he wanted to squeeze that lemon, just a bit longer.
Anyway, its been 2 months now since I  left and he spent that time  playing on the usual F.O.G. and today I told him not to come round unless he rings and that our Saturday breakfasts were off.
He replied in txts with the usual " you must have a guy there..."  I said I wasn't going to play the old games anymore and didn't want to know.
Then I got the verbal abuse. Ignored it.
 A saying  I was told by a beloved auntie who knows of him comes to mind and I should get a donkey tattooed on my arm.............which signifies  "you are the head not the tail " .
That's something I have to keep reminding myself of after years of his abuse and the associated consequences of that personally.
Good things to you all you brave people..

« Last Edit: May 26, 2017, 03:22:06 AM by personal »

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Jill6818

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #33 on: August 09, 2017, 12:31:24 AM »
The first enough is enough point was when he threw me on the floor and kept pushing me down when I tried to get up and then raged for an hour. Why? Because the potato chip bag made a noise when I closed it. I realized that he just might kill me at some point.  Several months after I left, I went back, which I thought was a pretty stupid idea once I got there.  However, it turned out to be a good idea because I now know in my heart of hearts that I'll never go back. Ever. My enough is enough point that time was within two weeks. He had been pretty good , but one day he returned from work, didn't say hello and started raging - shark eyes, red face, chest beating, spewing all sorts of distorted nonsense. The next morning after he went to work, my little dog and I got into the car, drove away and never looked back.

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InHidingWithMacSeth

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #34 on: August 15, 2017, 02:42:08 PM »
I think most of our breaking points come after we wake up, not that things get any better or worse. I had been abused for a period of about 5 months, and I realized that she wasn't going to change. I still don't know if leaving was my breaking point or not because going NC and murdering hope in things being different- at least tolerable- is very hard. I don't think most people know what I am saying when I say that I took my wedding vows very seriously- but now that I know more about myself and PDs, I think you guys know what I mean, even if others do not.

I gave her an ultimatum. I realized it WAS my choice- because if I gave her a choice and she choose the wrong thing, she was putting the ball back in my court, the decision to end the relationship in my hands. I told her toss this inappropriate relationship point blank period or divorce. She said divorce. Then it was up to me to follow through with it. It was realizing what I was telling her was that my BARE MINIMUM of treatment was being asked of her and she refused. How shitty does someone have to think of you for that to be the case?
No one is a bottomless pit of giving, but some are bottomless pits of taking.

*This message brought to you by someone recovering from toxicity.

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Kieveen

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #35 on: August 24, 2017, 12:08:53 PM »
I think it started when my late husband passed away at age 39 from a massive heart attack.  I have since remarried and both my late husband and my current H are wonderful.  But the three of us were all people pleasers and drew PDs to us like ants to sugar.  Shortly after I remarried, my people pleasing tendencies started to change.  I guess with everything I had been through I just couldn't put up with it anymore.
 I cut off relationships with several people in our social circle.

H and I have set more appropriate boundaries for our PD relatives.  H is still a people pleaser when it comes to his family, but I do think he's getting better. I'm focusing on relationships and friendships with non-PDs.

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helen55

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #36 on: August 28, 2017, 05:08:20 AM »
According to me,"engineering submissons time" is the time when I get to that point where enough is enough :p

Apart from this,as I'm bad-tempered there are some friends of mine who use to frustrate me deliberately and I burst out on them like anything.

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Kieveen

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #37 on: September 08, 2017, 12:30:35 PM »
I've only gone NC with a couple that were "freniemies" of mine for 20 years.   I  realized how toxic their behavior was right around the time my husband and I announced our engagement.  The PD male friend did not speak to us for 6 months.  His NPD wife texted me and told me it was because he was depressed because of their sexless marriage.  I kid you not this was the reason that was given to me.  :stars:

My DH was friends with him since middle school and still wanted them in our wedding party.  I was desensitized by their weird behavior at this point and just went along with it.
After the wedding I went LC after another incident.  Then I wen NC but got hovered back into a relationship by his NPD wife after she laid a guilt trip on me when his father died.  I ended up going to a funeral where I had ran into another BPD frenemy that I had NC with.  It was very stressful and I had difficult sleeping for weeks after.

 After all this I gave them one more shot for DH. I invited them to DH birthday dinner. My DH had another friend at the dinner.  NPD wife and PD husband did not come because of DH's friend that they were giving the silent treatment too.  They didn't even have the courtesy to respond to the invite.  My DH was really hurt it almost seem to him that they were now giving him the silent treatment.
I waited a few day and gave it careful consideration and after talking to DH decided to go NC.

Anyways that's my NC story.  But it took me a long time to do this.  My late husband who passed away was also friends with them and wanted to go NC with them multiple times over the course of the friendship but I was just too blinded to see how toxic they really were.

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OnwardsAndUpwards

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #38 on: October 19, 2017, 10:44:06 PM »
It was the tiniest straw that broke my camel's back when it came to my ILs. 

I have a life threatening food allergy. Interestingly, it started when as a child I was bullied by neighbour kids for 3 years who graphically threatened to kill me unless I gave them my treats containing this food, I believed them and repressed that memory for almost 3 decades (I was young when it happened). It came to the surface this last year out of the blue and all of the nightmares, panic attacks, my obsessive people-pleasing, etc. made sense because while not logical I always felt my life was in danger.

While dating/engaged uNMIL "joked" before a dinner she was making about hiding some of the allergen in my meal "to get rid of me". Also joked about putting it in a lip balm so when BF (now DH) would kiss me it would be a kiss of death, then she cackled. Fast forward 12 years, there's a social media post about how that food allergy is perfect at repelling pests. She shared it to my board and said how she would never do that to me.

1) Actually, she threatened/joked twice to do that.
2) Essentially was referring to me as a pest to get rid of.

It wasn't anything major, she's said worse things to me, but it finally clicked for me. She will never treat me with kindness, compassion, empathy, love, or respect. She will always rework history to reflect well on her. I will always be blamed as being too sensitive if I don't agree with something she says, how I'm hurting her feelings and being mean :stars:. I have flaws, but I (like everyone else) deserves to be treated kindly.

Now I'm moving forwards in my life, trying to heal past trauma, and creating healthy coping skills and boundaries. It's an exciting journey!
--OAU

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eternallystuck

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #39 on: October 21, 2017, 11:00:55 PM »
Eventually it dawned on me that I was not welcome there, and it was her poor roommate that was standing there watching the realization come over my face, that I was not loved, and was not welcome. And though he tried to deny it, when I pointed out that any restaurant that treated the people the way they were treating me would soon go out of business, you could see he was pretty ashamed of himself. They talked me into staying for the rest of the meal but that was definitely the moment, standing there with tears running down my face realizing I would never be welcome in my mother's home while a stranger sat there and watched me crumble.

Mercurial Wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You just reminded me how eager these people are to present us as the devil incarnate to people. Its desperate & sad but its funny how low people can stoop to avoid self awareness. For a long time my M would screenshot my replies to her nasty messages & send them to her brother. I had no idea what she was doing. My M also had a habit of being sickly sweet in front of my flatmates to make me look crazy, as she knew I would have told them all about her. Its funny when their carefully applied mask slips off though. This often happened at xmas meals when she'd had a drink. Distant family members would begin to see the vile way she speaks to me & give each other looks of concern.