When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?

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Blackduckdiva

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2017, 05:59:09 AM »
Thanks all for sharing your stories.

I was NC for two years then went back to my FOO when I was pregnant. I've just gone NC again this week - for good!

This time it was an accumulation of things, of course. But the line in the sand was a property deal that fell over because they imposed completely unreasonable terms of sale. It took a lawyer to tell me to walk away. I lost a lot and very nearly everything. (Silly me.)

More than that though, I recently read a book written by the son of a high functioning bipolar father. Nothing in the book shocked me. Not even the scene where the father attacked his son and wife with an axe. I kept thinking, "And?" Finally I thought, "oh my story is far worse than that!'.

Then a counsellor advised NC to protect my children. Then finally I got to the point of realising I was not strong enough to endure another weekend visit with my children. I am too old to be told I am a bad person, that I need to change my attitude, that I need to consider someone else for once, and to be treated to scowls, silent treatment and verbal put downs when I displease the Queen.

Freeeeeee!!!!!



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Jade63

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2017, 03:54:40 PM »
The day I got a letter in the mail from NM stating that if couldn't be a better daughter, then I should not bother to contact her again. This was after what I thought had been a decent week long Thanksgiving visit from her.
So I never contacted her again. That was over 2 years ago.
The hoovering has recently started, tho...and it makes me smile.
I wonder what she thinks she has that I want enough to resume that emotionally abusive relationship again...boggles the mind really.

~Jade

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Blackduckdiva

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2017, 05:11:33 PM »
Sounds familiar Jade! It's a gift to see the funny side.

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biggerfish

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #18 on: March 08, 2017, 06:19:09 PM »
This is a great question. For me, the last straw was that she was demanding so much from me, and I already had a full plate with my four kids and everything I was already doing for her, that I developed panic disorder. I hadn't wanted to worry my uPDm, but no amount of reasoning and explaining was making her back off on some of her demands. So as a last resort, I admitted to her that I had developed a mental illness as a result of my responsibility overload.

And her reaction? She continued to argue with me. She had ignored my admission that I was sick. Needless to say, I was devastated, but it was an eye opener. I went NC immediately. I'm now coming up on 3 years NC.

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Sunshine days

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2017, 06:39:08 PM »
well done biggerfish  aint that the truth , hows your panic disorder now? your anxiety .

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biggerfish

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #20 on: March 09, 2017, 11:15:55 AM »
well done biggerfish  aint that the truth , hows your panic disorder now? your anxiety .
Thank you for asking. It's very much improved. I'm working on self-compassion, self-acceptance, and I've gone NC with my inner critic. As a result, the anxiety just isn't as intense as it used to be. It doesn't take over my brain and body.

Now I can try new things. Case in point -- I'm going for a volunteer job interview today. Wish me luck. Yes there is recovery from anxiety and panic!

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Sunshine days

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #21 on: March 09, 2017, 04:38:28 PM »
well done biggerfish  aint that the truth , hows your panic disorder now? your anxiety .
Thank you for asking. It's very much improved. I'm working on self-compassion, self-acceptance, and I've gone NC with my inner critic. As a result, the anxiety just isn't as intense as it used to be. It doesn't take over my brain and body.

Now I can try new things. Case in point -- I'm going for a volunteer job interview today. Wish me luck. Yes there is recovery from anxiety and panic!
Good luck, whats the new job for? yes theres recovery and isn't it a great feeling the more positive we get. x

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forforever

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #22 on: March 20, 2017, 05:39:05 PM »
After 25 years of marriage, my NH left me a year ago, assuming he could come back at any time.  We continued to "work on our marriage," including sex for a few months. At that point, I had not had my lightbulb moment yet.  Late last summer, within a couple of weeks time, my dad had a stroke and was in the hospital for a week, one of our dogs tore ligaments in both rear legs and had to have surgery,  and I suffered a ruptured disc that left me unable to walk and in severe pain for a couple of weeks, effectively removing me as my husband's supply for attention and sex.  While I was recovering from steroid injections in my back and just starting to be able to walk again, he came over to the house one morning.  Some workers were upstairs at our house, so he tried to forcefully pull me into a work room in our basement, with a concrete floor and filled with tools and workout equipment,  because he said he had figured out a way we could have sex without hurting my back.  That was the moment in which I realized that he literally did not care about me at all, that he was willing to risk seriously damaging my back and my ability to walk,  just because he hadn't had sex in a few weeks..   We own a business together and have children, so NC isn't possible at this point, but there have been very few times since that day when I have allowed myself to be alone with him.   

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all4peace

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #23 on: March 20, 2017, 09:45:36 PM »
allison--I just want to welcome you and tell you how sorry I am that this has been your experience as a marriage partner! What a terribly noncompassionate and cruel person to treat you that way. I'm so sorry.

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Tootsie Roll

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #24 on: March 22, 2017, 10:17:30 PM »
After 25 years of marriage, my NH left me a year ago, assuming he could come back at any time.  We continued to "work on our marriage," including sex for a few months. At that point, I had not had my lightbulb moment yet.  Late last summer, within a couple of weeks time, my dad had a stroke and was in the hospital for a week, one of our dogs tore ligaments in both rear legs and had to have surgery,  and I suffered a ruptured disc that left me unable to walk and in severe pain for a couple of weeks, effectively removing me as my husband's supply for attention and sex.  While I was recovering from steroid injections in my back and just starting to be able to walk again, he came over to the house one morning.  Some workers were upstairs at our house, so he tried to forcefully pull me into a work room in our basement, with a concrete floor and filled with tools and workout equipment,  because he said he had figured out a way we could have sex without hurting my back.  That was the moment in which I realized that he literally did not care about me at all, that he was willing to risk seriously damaging my back and my ability to walk,  just because he hadn't had sex in a few weeks..   We own a business together and have children, so NC isn't possible at this point, but there have been very few times since that day when I have allowed myself to be alone with him.   
Reminds me of my x-husband!  After we separated and beginning the divorce proceedings, he asked if we could still have sex?  Um...  ya.  It's easy to see what the other person really cares about.  Definitely reinforced my decision to file for a divorce. 
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

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Siren

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #25 on: March 23, 2017, 09:47:23 PM »
When we were discarded after my NPD stbx left me for the 15th time a few weeks after a major craniotomy out West for a rare brain disease only affecting 1:2 million, over a silly fight. I had the lightbulb moment regarding the lovebombing, neverending cycles of devalue/discard, silent treatments, gaslighting, projection and every other manipulation tool within the narcissist's reach. It's been seven weeks since he left, and he told me he wanted a divorce, which too, was a game for him. It went too far. I found out many lies, and the lies just kept going. I am finally done. Done. Done. My kids are finally on board, and we're just going full throttle ahead, even though he left us in financial ruins because he's impulsive, has no real career, and he used my career as his own for status.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
― Anaïs Nin

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clara

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #26 on: March 26, 2017, 10:12:39 AM »
With my uNPD exh, when he spent his last dime on a camera he "had to" have,  leaving himself with no money and thus me to pay what bills we had.  After 7 years of crap just like this, it was as if a little light went off in my head and I realized that I could be poor all by myself, thank you very much--I didn't need the extra baggage of having him around since I was going to be poor regardless!  Got out soon after and yeah, I was broke much of the time, but at least I was dealing with a responsible adult (myself). 

With my uNPD/BPD ex-so-called-best friend, it just happened.  One day I got a curt response e-mail from him after an inquiry about how his recent vacation went, and I realized I was done with him.  It was literally like the fog had lifted and I thought, for the first time, what on earth am I getting out of this relationship besides nothing?  I ask a nice, polite, and sincere question and he gets short with me.  Yep, done and done.

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Tootsie Roll

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #27 on: March 27, 2017, 10:58:38 PM »
Oh Clara, I totally understand where you are coming from!  My X-husband and I...  we were always broke.  He would give me his paycheck, yes, and I would pay all the bills...  and we were still broke!  It was always he bought a new gaming computer on the credit card, or a new game came out, or...  well, the money just was always gone!  And, I have never been a spender. 

So, left him.  Did you know, I was more financially stable on my own income, by myself, than when I was with him?  All the sudden I am saving money, able to afford college classes and books - it was amazing!  Got my car fixed - even maintained a savings account just for emergency purposes.  Increased my 401K contribution. 

We're always learning... 
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

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Siren

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #28 on: March 30, 2017, 01:31:22 PM »
I had the enough is enough moment after the 20th cycle or so of silent treatment/discard, and when he left again over something that caused some huge narcissistic injury, and he threatened divorce again and went so far as getting a lawyer, I just decided that this would be it. No more space to let him come back. This was it. 10 years of my life gone to this NPD was enough. Now, I miss him so dearly, and there are days when I feel so weak that if he apologized, I would forgive him, but I can't this time. This was it. I deserve more. My kids deserve more. This was not meant to last forever. It was just a passage to a better place, and although I am afraid of what is to come and to learn what really is "me," I needed to jump off of the rocky waves of drama.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
― Anaïs Nin

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WeAreAllATadBitBroken

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Re: When did you reach the "enough is enough" point?
« Reply #29 on: March 30, 2017, 01:52:43 PM »
when 'the plaintiff' (former parent/ uPDf) said the following to me in the span of just a few hours at my home last september was the day i went NC.   these were the small straws that broke the camel's back:

'you can't afford a car' when i stated that it was something i wanted to get for myself in the not so distant future.

'that's sad' when i mentioned moving myself and my kiddo to not so expensive rental accommodations so that my income could be better utilized.

'what about me?' when i stated that i desired to have a normal adult interpersonal relationship with a significant other of my own, instead of playing the caretaking parts of 'wife' role to him any longer.
I know now there is no bargaining with the PD, nor with myself - because via research you learn that when you deal with PD you sure aren't getting a bargain!