How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?

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Unmasked

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #15 on: February 17, 2017, 10:46:16 AM »
There are some really great suggestions in this thread, thank you everyone for sharing.  Forgiving someone who doesn't see wrong in their actions is difficult to do for sure...and even more so when they refuse to apologize.  I've learned that forgiveness is for my own benefit...it doesn't mean I'm setting myself up to be let down or hurt by abusive behaviour again, but that I have some understanding of where it's coming from, and that I can't hang on to it because hanging on to it makes me feel worse...it's creates more toxicity in my soul.  I have definitely worked on not setting myself up for disappointment by trying to forget it all happens...although some of it is quickly forgotten thanks to my mind learning to disassociate in the middle of the screaming, berating and posturing.  Forgiveness does not mean acceptance that this is how things should be in my life, it means I need to feel better about myself and be the bigger person in all of this until she gains an ability to recognize the damage she does with her razor sharp words and attempts at intimidating me.

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Samuel S.

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #16 on: February 18, 2017, 12:20:48 AM »
Quite honestly, I try to feel better about myself and be the bigger person with my PDwife, but she has done so much undermining and manipulating in terms of our relationship. It hurts so deeply. She did a quick apology, but only after I brought it all to her attention. Then, although she has not been abusive ever since, she has been doing her thing, thus neglecting our relationship. Granted, she gets a lot of food and prepares it, but she says that's the best she can do. In the meantime, I am left with the toxicity that she is in complete denial about. Like for all of us, if the abusive behavior didn't take place in the first place, there wouldn't be any negative residuals, if you will.

You bring up the idea to disassociate when horrible things happen. How do you disassociate after horrible things happen?

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Whiteheron

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #17 on: February 18, 2017, 07:57:46 AM »
Samuel, it does hurt. Very badly. We go for years and years (in my case 20+) being the better person. Letting it roll of our backs, swallowing our pride, forgiving their abuse time after time after time. We do get to a point where we can't do it anymore. I physically and mentally couldn't do it anymore. I reached my maximum capacity for tolerating his PD behaviors. They weren't getting better. Some behaviors would, but then new ones would crop up. There is only so much a person can take. In my case, when I stopped taking it, and stood up for myself, he turned those behaviors onto the kids - it seems he needed an outlet for his feelings? emotions? whatever he keeps buried deep down inside. It needed to come out - I was the easy target, but when I stopped tolerating it, he moved onto the kids. I think that unless they get to the core of "why" they will never be able to change. Quick apologies from stbx only stoke my anger because I know it's not real, and he will either repeat the behaviors or move onto something new, but equally hurtful.

From what you write, it sounds like you don't have a wife, you have a cook. She is doing the bare minimum for your relationship.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  :hug:
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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waking up

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #18 on: February 18, 2017, 12:57:39 PM »
No matter what your spouse has done, the way I see it is you are only left with a few  choices. One choice is to TRUST them (which means we also FORGIVE them because we trust they have changed) or the choice where we realize we can't trust them again (because they've shown they are unable to change) and we therefore need to end the relationship (for our own peace of mind). And even after we leave them, we STILL need to FORGIVE them (again for our own peace of mind).
If you choose the option of not trusting them but still choose to stay, you will continue to feel hurt by them, over and over.
Forgiveness is necessary for our own healing - we can't move on without it. It doesn't mean that what they've done to us is right- it means we don't continue to give them the power to keep hurting us.

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raerae1610

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2017, 12:53:24 PM »
There are some really great suggestions in this thread, thank you everyone for sharing.  Forgiving someone who doesn't see wrong in their actions is difficult to do for sure...and even more so when they refuse to apologize.  I've learned that forgiveness is for my own benefit...it doesn't mean I'm setting myself up to be let down or hurt by abusive behaviour again, but that I have some understanding of where it's coming from, and that I can't hang on to it because hanging on to it makes me feel worse...it's creates more toxicity in my soul.  I have definitely worked on not setting myself up for disappointment by trying to forget it all happens...although some of it is quickly forgotten thanks to my mind learning to disassociate in the middle of the screaming, berating and posturing.  Forgiveness does not mean acceptance that this is how things should be in my life, it means I need to feel better about myself and be the bigger person in all of this until she gains an ability to recognize the damage she does with her razor sharp words and attempts at intimidating me.
:yeahthat:
When I finally reached my limit and woke up to the abuse I was suffering, I made myself the priority. I forgive my uBPDh and his family because I don't need to carry around their toxicity.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #20 on: February 20, 2017, 01:10:12 PM »
Samuel,
for me an important part of healing was first forgiving myself for letting it all happen.  this rewuired coming to terms with my part of being a care taker/empath and the things that set me up for this.

Then I quit taking that role to such an extent and was abke to let go of much.  then distancing emotionally and not letting it to continue was also a big part.

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Unmasked

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #21 on: February 21, 2017, 01:44:39 PM »
In regards to disassociating-it's not an intentional act in the moment - I guess I just become extremely overwhelmed and hurt in the heat of the moment, and my brain just shuts down-I can't keep up with what's being said, almost don't really hear it and really have to fight to bring myself back into the moment although I don't want to...the berating, criticism and judgements are tough to handle as we all know. 
When times are really crappy-I spend a lot of time in my head imagining things are "normal"- that I'm accepted, loved unconditionally and appreciated - try to tell myself stories about better times-made up or real ones from when we first got together and things were soooo amazing.  It helps me cope somewhat to live a fantasy in my head for a little while when things are way off.

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Whiteheron

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2017, 06:24:14 PM »
In regards to disassociating-it's not an intentional act in the moment - I guess I just become extremely overwhelmed and hurt in the heat of the moment, and my brain just shuts down-I can't keep up with what's being said, almost don't really hear it and really have to fight to bring myself back into the moment although I don't want to...the berating, criticism and judgements are tough to handle as we all know. 
When times are really crappy-I spend a lot of time in my head imagining things are "normal"- that I'm accepted, loved unconditionally and appreciated - try to tell myself stories about better times-made up or real ones from when we first got together and things were soooo amazing.  It helps me cope somewhat to live a fantasy in my head for a little while when things are way off.

Unmasked, that's interesting. I hope you don't mind if I ask you a question about what you wrote - so you mention that you escape into fantasy to help you cope. I mean no offense, so I hope it doesn't come across that way. After you 'return' from that fantasy in your head, do you sometimes think the fantasy was real? I mean, do you sometimes get mixed up between what you wanted to happen and what really did happen - after the fact?
thanks
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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lifeline

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2017, 10:07:17 PM »
I kind of do that fantasy thing except in my fantasy I'm not with him any more.

I can and have forgiven countless things said. Something I just realized I can't let go of is this poly thing. I cant... He keeps gaslighting and rewriting how it came to be years ago and I just will never be able to forgive or forget that I went against my own nature to try this, said no after several months trial, and he made me think it was my issues keeping me from enjoying this relationship. When reality is there is nothing wrong with me preferring monogamy and he discarded my desires. Love, huh? Not even close.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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Unmasked

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #24 on: February 22, 2017, 06:02:54 AM »
Whitehorn,
No offence taken at all.  And no, I don't get my daydreams mixed up with reality....its just my way of imagining, maybe hoping too.   Not for everything that my mind wanders off to necessarily, but hope that someday things will be better...I'll feel less like I'm walking on eggshells and that this part of my life will be stable.

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Whiteheron

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #25 on: February 22, 2017, 07:30:47 AM »
Whitehorn,
No offence taken at all.  And no, I don't get my daydreams mixed up with reality....its just my way of imagining, maybe hoping too.   Not for everything that my mind wanders off to necessarily, but hope that someday things will be better...I'll feel less like I'm walking on eggshells and that this part of my life will be stable.

Ok thanks, I get it. I've done this too. Make up an alternate life where I'm respected, have a job, lot of friends, happy, etc.

I asked because I'm sure H has does this too, he has that running script in his head. and somehow your post got me thinking...is the allure of this fantasy he has going through his head so strong that he somehow convinces himself that it's real? That he gets bits and pieces mixed with reality? But then when he's faced with reality that's contrary to what he now believes is real (from his fantasy), it's like two worlds colliding and he rages? Because he honestly believe that, yet I'm telling him something different?

I'm just seeking answers I'll never find. Can't help myself.  :upsidedown:
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Spirit Girl

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #26 on: February 22, 2017, 07:31:33 PM »
Samuel have you considered a two week vacation from her (or even a few days) to see if you feel more clear on what's going on? It seems like she's changed her tactic in order to keep you around. I'm thinking that you getting away from her and not having any contact will help you feel better and be a long-deserved breath of fresh air.

A friend did that recently, came to my place, and really had a good dose of happiness!

Have you considered that she will not change?

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

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Samuel S.

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #27 on: February 23, 2017, 05:22:07 PM »
There have been times when I have gone on trips to visit with relatives of my side of the family and the one time that she was on a college trip for 3 weeks, that I have times of rejoice and relaxation. Indeed, it felt very freeing without having her around. During those times, we would communicate with one another, and she would be considerate. When she was on her college trip for 3 weeks, she was very appreciative due to me helping her with her phone service. Nevertheless, when we would be back together, she would quickly return to her PD ways, before being abusive and now a lot of time of being just neglectful of our relationship.

I honestly don'tthink she will change to be more respectful and more appreciative of our relationship. It is almost as if she is being rebellious of her previous life of helping and loving. On the other hand, I have always been helping and loving and supportive, and then, she does a major turnabout. An example is when we first got married, she said my previous family didn't love and appreciate me. On the other hand, she is being exactly that - not loving, not appreciative consistently.

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stayputbride

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Re: How do you forgive your PD's unforgivable comments and acts, or do you?
« Reply #28 on: February 26, 2017, 04:19:26 PM »
Samuel, this forgiveness thing is one I struggle with as well.  I'm always being told by my npdh that I don't forgive even though he's said sorry.....mind you, most of his apologies are blanket statements such as "for the things that I've done over the last while that were hurtful...I'm sorry".
There's not much substance to those apologies, if you ask me.  I don't actually like "I'm sorries".  I like repentance in action.  which involves a changing of ways.  Newer, healthier ways of handling things.
I'm always reluctant to say "I forgive you" because it is always thrown back in my face if I happen to mention something for which I granted an "I forgive you".
As far as I'm concerned, forgiveness is a process.  sometimes long.  Every time the anger, resentment and bitterness want to rear their ugly heads, usually because I see the offensive behavior re emerging, I have to consciously remind myself to let it go.  In my case, I try and release it to God, whom I believe is the final judge between us and I trust Him with the consequences.

...but even when I feel forgiveness has been freely and fully granted, the restoration doesn't necessarily happen.  So much to rebuild before the relationship is not at a deficit. 
I do believe that mostly I've forgiven.  I just don't trust that he has my best interest at heart.  He just doesn't.  so we are never on stable ground.