Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?

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IAmReady

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Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« on: February 13, 2017, 01:31:21 PM »
I've had the incredibly important realization recently that my enabler mother is also possibly a Narc. She has played a secondary role in my FOO, that of my uNPD father's #1 flying monkey and assistant. I've always viewed her through the lens of being a victim of my father's PD, along with my sister and me. Her mother was uNPD, and I know my mom dealt with a lot of abuse growing up. In her efforts to get away from her N mother, my mom said yes to a marriage proposal from her then boyfriend. She was only 19 when she married my father. And irony of ironies, he turned out to be another Narc.  :aaauuugh:

There is a coldness about my mother that is unnatural. You don't see it at first, because she has a very chatty, friendly, extrovert mask that she wears. She and my father are both social butterflies, and have a large network of friends. Towards her two children there is a display of motherly regard and affection, but it is surface level only. She is not actually intimate with anyone, and never discusses her feelings. Even though she is surrounded by people, I don't believe she has ever actually opened up to any of them.

She never truly bonded with us as children, and neither my sister nor I has any memories of tenderness and being held and comforted by her. I don't believe she ever wanted to be a mother, but life happened, and by the time she was 23 she was married and giving birth to me. The feeling I always had, growing up, is that my sister and I were burdens to her, and that there was a silent resentment. She seemed to lavish more sincere affection on her cocker spaniel (I joke that that dog was the Golden Child in our family).

You sense her underlying coldness, but don't really see it on display unless you dare to ask her for something. Expecting any sort of generosity from my mother is a big mistake. An example of what I mean:

About 10 years ago I put myself through a 2-year training program to start a new career. I juggled the demanding workload of this program with a part time job that just managed to pay my bills if I lived very cheaply. I finished the program with honors, and got an A in every class the entire 2 years. It was going to cost about $700 to get my license and start working in the field. I knew that, with my current job, it would take me many months to save that amount of money. So I got the bright idea to ask my parents if they would consider helping me pay for my license.  :doh:

My parents are well off financially, and could certainly afford to be generous. But that's just not how they operate. I called and ended up speaking to my mother. When I asked if they could help pay for my license (even just as a loan), she shut me down immediately. There was that icy cold heart of hers. "I really don't feel any inclination whatsoever to help you out," she told me. "If you need money, you should go flip burgers." I still remember how frozen and flat and dead her voice sounded. Apparently my parents were having some renovations done to one of the upstairs bathrooms, and couldn't think about any other expenses at that time. I ended up hanging up on my mother and not speaking to her again for months.

A few years ago, I dealt with a health crisis that dragged on for months and ended in me checking myself into the hospital. I purposely didn't share any of this with my parents, as I knew better than to look to them for emotional support. However, they began talking more and more about taking a trip to visit me in my city for the Super Bowl (I live 1000 miles away from them), and I was finally forced to tell my mother what was going on with me because I was in no condition to entertain visitors. I told her in a long text message what was happening, and how I was really scared about it all, and her response? "Keep us posted!"

There is a meanness about my mother, again that's carefully hidden, as she wishes to appear as a kind, charitable, giving woman. She is very active in her church, helping with the soup kitchen, etc., but her real personality is cold, critical, selfish and judgmental. She judges people harshly for their weight, their home, the car they drive, their spouse, and how much money they make especially. There is a sense with my mother that she looks down on many people as being beneath her and my father. This coldness is even displayed towards her own two sisters, who have always been raked through the coals by my parents because they are overweight and don't make a lot of money. My mother rarely sees either of them.

She was abusive to my sister and me growing up, but to me especially. Some of her acts of cruelty towards me were shocking to my therapist, whose been in practice for 30 years, and said that is some of the meanest sh*t he's heard from anyone he's counseled. She and my father have always demonstrated a punitive, authoritarian, controlling style of parenting that's lacking in empathy. My sister and I felt more like a couple of cute pets than equal members of the family - we were ordered about sometimes like dogs, and indeed that's the kind of voice my father uses with us to this day - a high pitched babyish squealing voice like you would use with a pet.

It's hard for me to imagine now, as an adult woman, having children and treating them the way my mother treated my sister and me. Seeing what healthy mother-child relationships look like, it's made it all the more evident that my mother is a sick woman who never should have had children. She was not capable of loving and nurturing her kids to adulthood. The fact that my sister and I have turned out as well as we have, I now regard as a small miracle.

I saw my mother as a codependent and an enabler for the longest time, a weak woman who was damaged by her Narc mother and overpowered by her Narc husband. I thought maybe she just had a bad case of fleas. And maybe she does. But a lot of her behavior over the years, I am now starting to see is solidly in PD territory. Only a Narc herself could be capable of such coldness, such selfishness, such meanness towards her own children.

Perhaps my parents are a duo, and my mother has taken the enabler role. Perhaps her narcissistic ways are more covert than his, and not as in your face. Perhaps she's not the victim and he's the villain but rather, they are both villains.

Some of the more vicious abuse that happened to me when I was little, was administered by my father. I remember these incidents, and I always placed the blame primarily on my father, because he as the one wielding the belt, or the paddle, or whatever. But actually, my mother was the one who would get him to do it. She was the one who would call him at work and report that IAmReady did such and such, and he needed to come home and spank me. She was the one who facilitated the whole thing, who would terrorize me during the hours til he got home, reminding me that he was on his way. Even though she wasn't the one hitting me those times, she was the person in the background who made it happen. She was just as complicit in the abuse as my father was, just as much to blame.

She was never an ally, never on her children's side. In fact, she would sometimes punish us if we stood up to him. I remember, 5 or so years ago, visiting my parents. My father's mother was on her deathbed, and we were in her nursing home. We were getting ready to have to drive 6 hours back to my parents' house, and I was appalled when my father began insisting that he wasn't going to stop for bathroom breaks (very typical Narc control bullsh*t).

But this was before I knew about PDs, and I got annoyed, and told my father that he had to stop, as there would be 5 adults in the car and we couldn't go that long without a bathroom break. My father didn't like being openly challenged like that, and became very ugly and aggressive, trying to stare me down with some evil intimidating glare, right there in front of everyone. I stared right back and said to him in a singsong voice, a little smile on my face, "You can stare at me just like that as long as you want, buddy. Doesn't bother me a bit. We can stay here all day if you like." I never broke eye contact.

Where was my mother in all of this? Not only was she not backing me up, she later made a point of sucking up to my father, rubbing his arm in a reassuring way and whispering to him, while giving me the stink eye over her shoulder. It was very pointed and blatant. Unbelievable. I shared this story because I feel like it demonstrates perfectly where my mother's allegiance lies.

Yeah I'm done putting my mother in the "victim" role. She is a villain, and was a full participant in the abuse of her children. She was not forced into it by her PD husband. In fact, being a member of this forum, and reading how many mothers there are here who are married to PDs and how much they love their children and are concerned for them, this has helped me to see the difference between these mothers and my own mother. My sister and I were never her concern. She never demonstrated that kind of love for us - still doesn't.

How many of you here have two PD parents? When did you figure out they were both PDs? I would love to hear your stories.

« Last Edit: February 13, 2017, 01:53:37 PM by IAmReady »

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Menopause Barbie

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2017, 02:57:48 PM »
Unfortunately, Iamready, I share your double PD plight.  :o My uNdad was the obvious meanie growing up. He is diagnosed OCD and is an insecure, negative, critical narcissist. He acts superior to try to convince himself that he isn't a loser, if that makes sense. As a father, he was always yelling at me and criticizing even my kind deeds. For instance, if I tried to surprise him by raking leaves, I would get scolded for hanging the rake up crookedly. If I watered the garden, he would be annoyed that I didn't loop the hose back on the hose bib in counterclockwise, symmetrical coils. His interactions with me were limited to criticisms, and he spent his time at home sleeping, doing yard work/chores, watching TV, or locked away in his study. Conversations that were not critical were insulting teases for his amusement. He loved to make me cry by telling me I was adopted. (I am not--my mother tricked him into getting pregnant with me because he didn't want another child after uNsis. My mother shared this nice tidbit with me when I was 12 to emphasize her love for me, contrasted, of course, with his.) His response when I won second place in an academic contest at school was to say, "Too bad you didn't win first." He also was an alcoholic, which was fun. If he was drinking and I was playing too loudly, he would make me sit silently in a chair by myself for hours. He didn't beat me like your dad did, but he made it clear that I was an annoyance and a disappointment.

He and my uBPDmom fought like crazy people. The stuff they would yell at each other was so twisted! My mother would act like she was the victim, which I believed because I knew that he victimized ME. I always took her side and comforted her and advised her on ways to cope with him. After their fights, which were usually started by my uBPDmom, she would "get a headache" and go to bed for 3 days. I would nurse her and mother myself for those days, all the while feeling so sorry for her and so resentful of my dad. After the 3 days were up, she would act as though the fight had never happened, and act all lovey-dovey with my dad in nauseating fashion.  :barfy:  I would still be disgusted with him for the mean things he had said to her and, meanwhile, she'd be using a sickening sweet voice and channeling her inner June Cleaver/Michelle Duggar. It was especially gross because a LOT of their fights were about sex--she wanted it and he didn't--so when they made up I knew she had gotten her way.  :barfy:  :barfy:  :barfy:

It wasn't till I got Out of the FOG that I saw how neglectful and abusive my mom was. She encouraged me to think of my dad as a bully, even inciting him to behave like a bully by pushing his buttons, or telling him how hard I was making her life that day, or waifily putting me in the role of her protector from his abuse. She would act like I was the only one who loved her, her only reason for living (there were also the suicide manipulations, though), but then, after she and uNdad had their make-up sex, she would throw me under the bus before I knew what was happening. It was like she couldn't like me and my dad simultaneously.

My mother, who I thought was an innocent victim of her own uNmom and my uNdad, has hurt me much more than my father. I never expected love from him and I never got it. My mother, however, I thought was my best friend. I thought we had an unbreakable bond. Her betrayals, which continued into my adulthood and culminated in her silent treatment which became my NC, have hurt me much more than my father's consistent rejection. In fact, I have come to see my mother's role as more sinister. She managed to destroy my relationships with my whole FOO because I would defend her from my dad and my uNsis and then, when she was done playing the victim, she would leave me to face the consequences of standing up against the bullies. She, on the other hand, would innocently cry and wonder aloud why everyone couldn't just get along. Um, maybe because you, uBPDmom, are constantly triangulating and stirring up drama!!

Now things have changed. I stepped out of my role as uBPDmom's protector and dumping ground. She has now made ME the villain. I am the bad guy. I am the one who hurts her. She remains the innocent victim, too weak to stand against such cruelty. My FOO is such a mess!  From what I've read, though, the BPD--NPD attraction is pretty common so I'm sure others here can relate.

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Liketheducks

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2017, 08:45:07 PM »
Menopause Barbie...if this wasn't an anonymous forum....we should meet for an adult beverage.    It is so comforting to know that someone else has been in this strange country.
My Dad was/is clearly NPD and alcoholic.  As this latest drama ensues....and my T confirms....mom is likely BPD(waif-form). Raising my hand here.  I have two.   Dad was physically violent, pointed a gun at me right before high school graduation.   Mom was the enabler, abused spouse.   I haven't had a meaningful relationship with Dad for nearly 30 years.   I was/am so fogged, I knew he was bad and wanted to protect her.  Black and white.  After decades, I moved her into my house.  We had a great long distance relationship over the phone.  Boundaries are really great at long distance.   She's healthy, could work, but had been fired at 65.  (which would be crap for anyone). 
I, too, waffle between Mom having fleas and being BPD.   Compared with Dad, she's nearly saint-like.  Though, my kindly - but firmly establishing boundaries with more than generous options for support....given it's not what she envisioned for herself or me...is a monumental betrayal.   Mom has cut off contact with me for the last, nearly, two months.     Not just me, but her grandson.
My FOO is whacked.   I haven't called her, because as the parentified child, I'm not going to reward bad behavior.   She's "supposedly" moving out - again - tomorrow.   Truly, I just want her to eventually be happy and, if she won't/can't, to be miserable elsewhere.   
Hang in there, IAMReady.  I'm right there with you.  I'm waffling back and forth between my boundaries are golden and these folks are wack AND I need to hang a scarlet letter for grand terrible D-aughter on my chest for my healthy choices.



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BreakAway

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2017, 09:54:08 PM »
IAmReady.... I almost felt like I was reading my own life with your post, but a few minor differences. I have been going back and forth with the "are thy both PD?" thing but was more convinced the PD mom was the sure thing and maybe PD dad was just her enforcer.  But the mean teasing and the criticizing everything is definitely his area, not just the belt beatings (also mostly at M's urging). M is also a cold person and does not know how to nurture a child really.  The only difference for me was that I was the SG and she encouraged my sister to treat me terribly and destroyed any chance for us to have any real bond. But even as the GC, she really wasn't that loving towards my sister either, just not cruel.

Like yours, they are withholding and I would die before ever asking them for money. Thank god I've never needed to. But they also think that others should be the same way. I had to hear PD mom's critical "comments" about our getting a new car for our daughter, as if it's any of her business. We can afford it and it would cause me great anxiety for her to drive an old nearly-broken-down car long distance through dark unpopulated roads to and from her college -- I am a parent who cares much more about my child's safety than making some power/control statement. They are both incredibly judgmental and say mean things about people all the time (and me/husband/kids when we're not there).

They also married very young (M was 19). And quite frankly, they barely knew each other. Dad was in the Marines and away for most of the time they were "dating" (he joined just after his 17th birthday, had already graduated HS) and they lived 25 miles apart even when he was at home (and he did not have a car). I think M was very immature and should not have gotten married. I always had the sense as a kid that she was unhappy (even when she wasn't attacking me).

There is no doubt for me now... they are the PD Dynamic Duo!

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warm entreaties

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2017, 11:51:47 PM »
Iamready,

We share some striking similarities. I was just posting on another thread about my process of understanding that both my parents have a PD. My dad was the obvious one, but my mother was insidious and did the most damage. She betrayed by trust and used my father's anger and abuse against me at times after comforting me and telling me that he didn't know how to love.

I realized as an adult that my mother also had a PD. I accepted a lot of outrageous behavior as normal because I didn't know any different. I first noticed that something was wrong when I was deployed in Iraq and found that the conversations often turned to her and her hurt feelings while I was the one deployed, isolated, lonely and sometimes afraid. She dismissed my feelings and insisted that I provide her emotional support while I was gone. One of my fellow Soldiers told me that he heard some of my responses on the pay phone and felt bad for me that I was responsible for someone's emotions while in that environment.

I returned to the US and we didn't speak for over six months because she felt that I was not "trying hard enough" when I began to have trouble leaving my house and dealing with night terrors. I was able to slowly return to normal function and put myself in graduate school.

While I was in grad school, she impulsively spent her entire retirement on a business and told me about it after she made the purchase. I panicked and spent and entire summer setting up her business because she was ignorant to much of what it would take to manage a staff of 11 employees.  A few weeks before opening, she ran out of money and relied on my husband and I to give her a loan. I ran the business for four months over the summer and returned to school in the Fall. I was approached by several of the staff later in the year once she was in charge. They were asking me questions about how to read her or deal with her emotions. Several of them reported feeling as though they were being subtly and covertly mistreated. They felt insecure, anxious and defensive and were trying to make sense of their feelings. One employee confronted her and told her that she was the most selfish and emotionally immature person that she had ever encountered. I felt bad for her, but found myself agreeing with their assessments. She gossiped about employees to other employees. She went through a predictable cycle of idealizing and devaluing everyone who worked for her and made her assessments very personal in nature. She invited them to attend her social events and used them to admire her in the presence of her friends. She gathered them for a staff meeting prior to a tropical vacation and told them that they had to cut back on product usage because money was tight. She explained to them that she was deserving of the vacation that she was about to take and took them through her emotional journey of discovering how yearly trips to Aruba was critical for her wellness. She lost her staff while she was on vacation. They left and opened their own business. She was so insulted and bewildered by their behavior. She was a victim and failed to see her role in what happened. She has struggled to rebuild her business since and I have seen her repeat many of the same mistakes over and over again.

My final straw of realization was when the stress of her business caused intense migraines and she was referred to a therapist after neurological testing revealed nothing. She began the therapy process with skepticism. Week after week she complained to me about her therapist, but refused to find another therapist or provide any feedback to the therapist. When the therapist suggested that she seemed to process shame in an emotionally stunted manner, she never returned. Her intolerance of shame was a spot-on assessment and she was unable to see it.

There is an abundance of evidence that points to this revelation that I have not discussed. I find that the things that persuaded me the most were not the outrageous things she has subjected me to, but the times when other gave her feedback that was consistent with my experience. I have been so conditioned to not trust my own instincts with her constant gas-lighting, that I needed others to assess her in ways that were consistent with my experience to begin to see the light.

I can now look back and see that there is an abundance of support for her having a PD based on her treatment of me, but sadly I didn't see it until others began to see it in her.

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daughter

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2017, 09:07:19 AM »
I think a lot of overt pd-disordered parents are partnered with a passive-aggressive covert pd-disordered spouse, the npd-enmeshed couple where both spouses have pd-disordered behavioral traits and both are enablers-enforcers of each other's pd-disordered actions, demands, and expectations.  Sometimes these covert pd-disordered parent masquerade as "martyr to your mother/father", the seemingly patient and tolerant put-upon spouse, the "Mr Nice Guy" or "saintly wife", while actually demonstrating the same poor parenting and unempathetic mannerism as the overtly narcissistic spouse-parent.  I've a blatantly malevolent NBM and a "Mr Nice Guy" enabler-enforcer NF.  Underneath that pleasant facade of my NF is the real guy: a "I'm the boss of you" domineering and bully personality intent upon getting everyone's full compliance and appeasement, whether to NBM's inapproporiate expectations and demands, or to his own likewise inappropriate expectations and demands.  Difference is that NBM's bad behavior and ready disrespect are often openly discernible to other people, while NF initially tries to sugar-coat and disguise his intent, to delay unleashing his bad behavior, disrespect and ultimately, his rage.

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SPinSC

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2017, 10:03:13 AM »
Shyly raises hand as well. For me it is Mom who is obviously uBPD/Narc.

Dad was the 'sainted' father trying to hold the family together and stay married to HER for the sake of us kids. I'm not real sure what flavor of PD, possibly mild covert Narc. He worries a lot about his kids, but only does for those he thinks are worthy of his time and effort (I'm not one of those). His PD may even be a result of being married to my Mom for 24 years. I don't know. I just know that I don't fit his picture of what his kids would be like and therefore, I'm an afterthought when I get remembered at all. Except he and his (I'm now realizing more overt Narc) wife do tell me that they worry about me a lot. All the time. Just not enough to call, write or visit me more than every season, month or few years - respectively.

But, I only recently realized that I've been completely emotionally and physically abandoned by my father at the age of 12. As soon as he walked out on Mom, he officially walked out on me as well. Even when I BEGGED him to take custody of me. He had moved on and I was part of the 'old' family that included his ex-wife.

It's been a hard realization. It explains some of MY coldness, my emotional distance. The one parent I thought genuinely cared about me has proven that he cares more for the life he has now than for his youngest child. Even his stepson matters more. It came to a head recently, in front of the whole family (virtually - it was an email thing). My brother, the GC, actually realized that I did have a reason for feeling excluded like nobody else in the family. That makes me the saddest. Dad didn't see it, but bro did. And bro is trying to do something about it at last.

Shoot, I'm near tears because this is all still so fresh. As in the realization was only last year and I've still had to chip away at a lot of denial. Bro's realization was just a couple of weeks ago and his effort just this past weekend. And, to see genuine love and respect in my brother's eyes for the first time ever, well.... yeah, I'm crying now.

It's so very hard when you realize the parent you THOUGHT was an ally was actually part of the problem! Like you said, becoming a parent and realizing that you can't imagine treating YOUR child(ren) that way really shines a light on the situation. And the parent who SEEMED innocent really gets dragged into the light of truth. They could have done something. They could have, I'm living proof (married a uCPTSD/BPD man). Because I know my husband has issues, I work twice as hard with our son and his previous marriage children. They ALL know that they are important, that we will be there for them, that we love them VERY much. We may stink at showing it sometimes, but the love is genuine.

I'm hoping my children won't raise their hands to answer yes to this question. Or, that if they do, they see that I've been trying to be the best I can and to improve when I see problems. So is their father. Really, he is. I hope we do a good enough job in time to help them be better, healthier people.

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practical

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2017, 10:42:35 AM »
Does some of this sound familiar  :(  Menopausebarbie, the correcting of things, the criticism of you when you tried to do something nice - still happening with my F to this day  :aaauuugh: so I avoid doing those things.

I have two too, I think they came as a double pack  :stars: The one I knew since my teens I had problems with was M, I had no knowledge of PDs or anything, I just knew she used me to live through me which I experienced as oppressive and crazy making and I got depressed by her. F had stylized himself as the ultimate victim of hers and I believed him, even if I gave him the name AWOL father, as he was never around to protect us, actually was often her enforcer. Add to this that M was bipolar, and you get how he could really stylize himself as the victim, the devoted husband who took care of her, completely ignoring that B and I usually cleaned up her messes, and hide behind her at the same time.

After M died a year and a half ago, and no longer dominated the picture, I realized I had another problem and it was a long standing one. Google send me here when I tried to understand something about M after her death and I got my first introduction to PDs (she was never diagnosed as NPD, everything was always explained away with her bipolar, even when it made no sense), and I soon realized F fell nicely into OCPD with a solid helping of N as I'm learning.

I don't know why I barely realized it before, even fought my therapist years ago when he tried to point out to me F was M's enabler. I think M was larger than life and managed to dominate the family stage, and F was only too happy to hide behind her, play the good guy. With her gone F has single billing and is making the best (= worst) out of it. He actually has managed to make dealing with M look like a cake walk  :stars: .

For me one of the give aways that you might deal with two PDparents is, when they stay married for a really long time. Mine were together for 54 years despite all their fights and other stuff   :wacko: . F is actually still codependent on her beyond death. I think they were both enabler, victim and abuser to each other, and found common ground in abusing us.  :sadno:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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IAmReady

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2017, 09:26:40 AM »
Quote
"For me one of the give ways that you might deal with two PDparents is, when they stay married for a really long time. Mine were together for 54 years despite all their fights and other stuff   :wacko: . F is actually still codependent on her beyond death. I think they were both enabler, victim and abuser to each other, and found common ground in abusing us." --- Practical

This really resonated with me. My parents have been together almost 50 years. They are so enmeshed at this point, I can't imagine one without the other.


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IAmReady

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2017, 10:01:43 AM »
I don't know if anyone would relate to this story, but in reading people's comments here, it reminded me of something that happened about 15 years ago.

My sister and I were in our twenties and home visiting my parents for Christmas. It was Christmas Eve, and being huge extroverts, my parents of course had people over. My sister and I were allowed to invite some friends who were also in town visiting their families for the holiday.

My parents are big drinkers and on this particular Christmas Eve, they both got tanked and proceeded to lash out at my sister and me. My father is the more overt PD, the more overtly abusive and angry one - his disorder is way more evident. But when it comes to alcohol, it was my mother who was the mean drunk, not him. My father always teasingly called her "acid tongue" when she drank.

On this Christmas Eve, my mother got drunk and mean early in the evening, and embarrassed me in front of my friends by making some very homophobic and racist comments. I asked her to please knock it off, and I'll never forget what she said to me. We were standing within ear shot of my friends and she looked me square in the face, very voice dripping contempt and condescension, and said, "Oh IAmReady... you're just so f*cked up."

My father is usually the jovial, light hearted drunk, but on this night he ended up joining my mother with an "acid tongue" of his own. After everyone went home, they kept my sister and me awake til 5 in the morning. We were in the family den, the Christmas tree lights blinking and the Christmas music playing softly on the stereo, while they tore into us.

We were told what disappointments we are to them, what failures. Our boyfriends at the time were called "deadbeats" and "losers" (neither of which was remotely true). What was so ironic is that both my sister and I were going through very productive phases of our lives when this happened. My sister had started her career and I had gone back to school and was kicking butt in my courses. We were both happy and doing well. So this attack seemed totally unfounded and to come out of the blue.

They were vicious. We were raked over the coals. What surprised me the most was that my mother was the primary antagonist, not my father. He was backing her up, not the other way around.

We got little sleep that night, and the next morning we were supposed to drive six hours to my aunt and uncle's house, as was our Christmas tradition. I refused to go. Refused. The idea of being trapped in a car with those two for that many hours, was repulsive to me. Of course my refusing to go on this trip set off a whole sh*t storm. My father in particular didn't take it well, and I think he was worried that my absence was going to embarrass him and make him look bad - it was his brother's house we were supposed to travel to. This was before everyone had cell phones and at one point, I was on my parent's land line phone, in my old bedroom, talking to my boyfriend back home, telling him what had happened. My father marched into the room without knocking, took the phone out of my hand, and hung up on my boyfriend. He then announced that I wouldn't be able to use the phone again until I agreed to come on the trip.

Still I stood my ground. NO. My father I think was stunned that I was proving so stubborn. Note that there was not one iota of remorse from either him or my mother about their abusive behavior the night before. None. It was obvious that they didn't see that they had done anything wrong. There was no empathy, no understanding that my feelings were very justified in light of what had happened.

In the end, I did not go. But I let my father bully me into calling my uncle and apologizing for not being there. My father acted like I was doing a shameful thing, and should be sorry, when really, my parents were the ones who had acted shamefully.

This incident was one of my first adult clues that something wasn't right with my mother, that she wasn't merely another victim of my father's NPD.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2017, 10:05:55 AM by IAmReady »

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Shockwave

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2017, 11:20:23 PM »
Let's see:

Avoidance-based uNPD father: check.

Malignant uBPD/uNPD mother: check.

uBPD sister with a golden child complex and shopaholic tendencies: check.

Scapegoat alcoholic drug addicted brother who managed to turn it around for 25+ years just for my parents to push him off the deep end into the fatal depression and abandon him at his last hour: check. 

Invisible child who took all sorts of abuse and gaslighting from his family (that would be me): check. 

Yes,  some of us come not only from two parent uPD homes,  but full on dysfunctional families. 
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

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sandpiper

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2017, 02:08:46 PM »
Sadly I think it's very common.
Healthy human beings simply won't stay with a PD. So it's common to get pairings of two PDs or else a PD & an enabler.
I think that sometimes if you look very closely at the enabler parent, on some level they've chosen the lame duck as a partner because it means that standing next to someone that disordered makes them look like they're functioning really well by comparison, and it's kind of like they can go 'Oh dear, I'm so wonderful and look what I have to deal with in this life.'
It's like 'look, over there!'
Since my discovery I've become much more suspicious whenever I see someone actively complaining about their partner. I mean, if someone is really that fabulous and wonderful and together, why do they end up with an abuser/drunk/PD/criminal etc etc.
Or as my T would put it 'What's the pay off for them, staying in this relationship?'
I read a psychology paper once saying that they'd found that people's vices often kept them together.
I.e. Smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling - so I'd surmise that it's the same with dysfunctional behaviours. People choose partners because the behaviours are familiar and comfortable to them.
It's how the cycle of abuse keeps rolling out through the generations.

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SmolderingDragon

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #12 on: February 18, 2017, 01:06:55 PM »
Add me to the list of peeps stuck with two PD parents.  In my case, it seems like my P's dynamic is my M is higher functioning than my F.  I think the only reason my M married my F is he was steadily employed and seemed stable.  He's a mess otherwise-- very immature, unambitious, and basically wants to be married to a mother figure who takes care of everything around the house while he sits on his butt and is catered to.  And IMO it seems like he has something else other than PD going on with him, like maybe mild Autism.

My M is a uNPD/OCPD control freak who on some level used to like the fact that my F went to work and then handed over his paycheck to her and was completely oblivious as to how she spent it. They divorced after 20 years of marriage.  I think it was my malignant N GM who pushed my F to file.  She was always highly envious that he got married after living with her well into his 30's because she lost his paycheck to my M which previously he used to dutifully turn over to her.
"Dracarys." Daenerys Targaryen

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Jdcooper

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #13 on: February 18, 2017, 05:27:44 PM »
Not two PD parents but one extremely narcissistic father and a bipolar mother.  Mom was the victim who wouldn't stand up to my Dad while he verbally abused me (scapegoat) as a young child.  Then when they divorced, we were stuck with Mom whose depression prevented her from parenting at all.  Extreme neglect.  NPDad was thousands of miles away and did nothing to intervene with what was obviously an unhealthy situation for my sibs and I.  He triangulated my sisters against me; so while they had each other and some of Dads attention; I had no one.

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Foreignwoman

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Re: Any of you out there stuck with two PD parents?
« Reply #14 on: February 18, 2017, 06:35:08 PM »
Yes, my NF and my enabler BPD mother. Like other posters here, it was a secretive way of life. A totally different world than the outside. Very confusing.

The coldness and the rage from my father, the undermining comments and the misogyny. The peacekeeper mother, who gaslighted us in believing all sorts of things and used us as a shield to NF. The betrayal, she let me down in so many ways. As a little child I wanted my parents to break up, that says it all I guess. I found the role of my mother more damaging than my fathers. He gave up on me early in my life, but my mother pretended to care. But did not, not really. That hurts the most.

FW
Freedom is never voluntary given by the oppressor, it is demanded by the oppressed.

Martin Luther King, Jr