How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?

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boots40

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How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« on: February 14, 2017, 12:48:22 PM »
This may be in the wrong place, so please feel free to move it.  :)

My son is nearly 16 years old.  He is on the autistic spectrum with other profound learning difficulties.  He cannot talk and his interaction is fairly poor.  However, he is really coming on in leaps and bounds and has made some amazing achievements in the past few years.  He goes to an excellent special school who really understand his condition.

When he was 2 1/2 his speech was not developing and was showing some other signs of delayed development (no pointing, poor eye contact, preferring to play alone).

We went through all the specialist available, bought every book, went on every course that we could to try and help him. 

When I told my uNSIL (a teacher) that he was being screened for autism her very curt response was
"I blame the parents!"

No support, offers of help, positive suggestions, advice, moral support.  Regardless that we had an older child who was very advanced didn't seem to matter (she's off to Uni this year).  Everyone else that I talked to was very supportive and encouraging.  My husband didn't say anything to her.

This summer my H went to see his sister, he left me and my son at home.  She told my husband that she didn't like autistic children and would refuse to have one in her class.  This really hurt me and I found it offensive, but even more so that H didn't say anything to her.  If I speak up 'boots40 hurts too easy'.

So as I cannot do anything about it after all these years, how do I just get over it?

 
"What you say about me isn't nearly as bad as what I know about you"

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coyote

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Re: How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2017, 01:19:16 PM »
boot40,
Without going into details I am in the field. I've heard this response from teachers before. My attitude is I don't argue with stupid. It is a shame because people with those kind of attitudes don't know what they are missing. People with Autism can be a challenge for teachers and parents. They can also be a source of immense joy, humor, and satisfaction. So remember; don't argue with stupid. 
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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all4peace

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Re: How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2017, 01:22:41 PM »
I'm not sure you need to let it go OR hold onto it. She has shown you repeatedly what kind of person she is, and you are not going to forget that, especially since her very intolerant and unempathetic attitude directly affects someone you love--your child.

If she's not safe for your son, then you get to choose her level of contact with your family, and it sounds like you and your DH are already doing this. Nice work!

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Iguanagos

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Re: How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2017, 02:42:32 PM »
Ok, I have no children, and don't really know much about autism either, but I am aghast and just have to ask:

This person is a teacher?!

What an awful thing to say, to the parents or anyone else, really, and especially from someone in her field.  And then to say that she "didn't like" them and "would refuse to have them in her class".  And we wonder how bullies get their start.  I shudder to think of how she conveys these prejudices to her students.  She should be ashamed.  Her sense of entitlement and her cruelty toward others is awful.  It IS offensive, and I can totally see how you would be hurt. 

You asked how to get over it, and I'm not sure you should try.  Your hurt is proof of your humanity, and that's something to embrace.  Losing that sensitivity would only make you more like her. 

Bloomie has used a wonderful phrase on this board when she mentions "strapping a kevlar vest over your heart".  Maybe aiming for that, to protect what is special inside you, would be a good way to look at it.  I do wish your DH was more supportive, of both you and of your son.  But at least you and your son can stay away from direct contact.  Maybe ask DH to not report back anything your toxic NSIL says?

Best to you.   :bighug:

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Maisey

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Re: How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2017, 12:56:33 PM »
So this woman is being honest, and is seriously hurtful. She is incapable of being supportive of this huge responsibility you have as a parent and just needs to keep her mouth shut.

She would not be able to deal with what you do 24/7 for half an hour. That is the difference between you and her...you are up to it. She is just going to pass judgement on the condition and show her ignorance.

She doesn't want an autistic person in her class and that is ok, because she is not qualified to teach an autistic person. As a parent of a special needs person, I wouldn't want my child in HER classroom.

M.




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coyote

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Re: How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2017, 01:07:15 PM »
In the Native American culture people with autism were viewed a holy because they had been touched by the Great Spirit.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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Adria

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Re: How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2017, 01:13:04 PM »
Consider the source. That is a defect in her not you or your son. A good friend of mine used to say, Don't worry about it, some people are just dumber than others. 

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carrots

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Re: How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2017, 01:13:49 PM »
I read this yesterday, before I joined. My heart goes out to you, boots40.

No such thing as 'hurts too easy' imho. That's just a thing people or their enablers say so they don't have to look at their own actions.

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Maisey

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Re: How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2017, 01:26:26 PM »
And keep in mind that "those autistic kids" she doesn't like  wouldn't think she was all that great either.

M.

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Sneezy

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Re: How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« Reply #9 on: February 23, 2017, 04:56:45 PM »
This is one of my hot buttons!  It is so unfair when someone says something hurtful and then tries to make it your fault by either saying 1. your feelings get hurt too easily or 2. they were only joking.  Nope, that just isn't right.  Do not let someone else make you feel bad for having the feelings you have.  You are entitled to your feelings, whatever they are - your feelings are what make you, you.  It took me so many years to learn this.  If someone hurts your feelings, it's on them, not you.  They can't avoid what they did by turning it around and making it into something that is wrong with you. 

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DJCleo

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Re: How to let go of hurt things that has been said to you?
« Reply #10 on: February 24, 2017, 05:23:59 PM »
I'd talk to one of this teacher's coworkers and see if you can't get in contact with the principal. Maybe send an anonymous email quoting your sister-in-law to her other students' families?

That's probably wrong on so many levels, but that just burns my blood. I love Autistic kids. She's probably jealous of the attention they get since she's narcissistic?