Lost on you

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lifeline

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Lost on you
« on: February 15, 2017, 01:53:54 PM »
The Subject is the title of a song I've listened to recently.

It amazes me how I fall for the subtle crack in your voice, the quiet strain that is audible in your words... It makes me want to cry with you.  And you would want me to.

But when I walk away, I Know.
All that I have done in the last decade and a half is exactly lost on you.  You.  No one else.  There are others out there more deserving of my time, energy, and love, but I chose to invest in You.

Talking about all the talking we have done and to what degree of depth I have or have not opened up to you is futile, why can't you see that?

I am messed up.  I started my life with the intention of being someone worth while, being a role model for my children, and instead I focused on You!  That is messed up.  Really and Truly.  Because the fact of the matter is I did nothing I said I was going to do, I just did YOU.  Your plan, your way, your concerns, your needs, your feelings.

Saying the words "I care about you and your wants, needs, desires" means nothing.  It means nothing to me anymore.  Because it's not true in Practice.

And what is theory without application, followed by consistent practice?  It's a lot of hot air.

Theory with nothing to follow is just words.  Words do not grant me the presence of my children for the last decade and a half.  Words do not grant me peace in my home every day.  Words do not pay the bills.

You're worried about this bill you cannot pay today?  Coercing me into giving you any money you may suspect me of having.  I see your bet and raise you one.  You get nothing from me.  I have nothing for you.  This is a monthly recurring bill, it was not a surprise, it was not an extenuating circumstance.  You are a grown man, capable of doing something, anything with your day to day life to make sure your personal bills are paid. 

Sympathy?  You want sympathy from me?  If I picture my stores of sympathy, I have compartments in my soul filled with sorrow, compassion, and sweet simple sympathy for others hardships and heartaches.  You drained yours.  It's gone.  Run out.  Run dry.  Never have I had genuine sympathy from you for anything, just a rubberband snap: "Well if you weren't such a [all the names you have ever called me]."

So smart guy, I say to you... All that I was, All that I am, has been lost on you...

Personally edited to better meet the site guidelines.
In all my anger, in all my negativity, I do try every day to simply be a good person. 
« Last Edit: February 15, 2017, 02:24:02 PM by lifeline »
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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DJCleo

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Re: Lost on you
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2017, 03:09:30 PM »
I feel like I could have written the first few paragraphs myself. It really is lost on that person what you've tried to do for them.

It feels like such a waste, doesn't it?

It's not really a waste. If it helped you grow, try to see the good that came from it at least and move on ever so slowly.

I wish you the greatest peace as time goes on. I'm sorry that this person wasted your time and your precious energy and stole your peace.

I really am.

What I'm most sorry about is that this person who hurt you and sucked the life out of you doesn't realize it, doesn't care, and is too selfish to ever figure out how to fix it.

If this person would just apologize, right? That would be great.

If this person would make any type of amends, I'm sure that would help.

But they're lost.

On this person's behalf, I apologize to you.

I am so sorry for what this person did to you.

I am so sorry for how they made you feel.

I am so sorry that you were hurt and that you had to turn to a website forum to get support.

I am so sorry you feel that your time, energy, and effort were wasted on this person.


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25below

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Re: Lost on you
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2017, 03:34:41 PM »
Great letter, Lifeline.   It's so good to put it "on paper."  There's no mistaking what you mean here.  I'm sad yet happy for you all at once.
"Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
and death's dark shadow put to flight."

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lifeline

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Re: Lost on you
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2017, 03:37:00 PM »
Thanks guys, many times I re-read what I write in this board, today I can't... not enough emotional control.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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Foreignwoman

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Re: Lost on you
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2017, 04:14:43 PM »
Lifeline, nothing is lost, you are still you, only more sad, and older and wiser. Promise yourself that you save yourself and your children and they will be proud of you and thank you for it later on in life.

It does get better, it really does. We're here for you.

 :hug:

FW
Freedom is never voluntary given by the oppressor, it is demanded by the oppressed.

Martin Luther King, Jr

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25below

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Re: Lost on you
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2017, 07:14:17 PM »
 :bighug: :bighug:
"Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
and death's dark shadow put to flight."