Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change

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Palepinkpeony

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Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« on: February 16, 2017, 03:12:50 PM »
Hi friends,


I am incredibly confused and would really appreciate some advice.  The funny thing is that when I was thinking about how to describe my feelings, I slowly came up with; I feel incredibly guilty, obligated, and afraid (isn't that a coincidence, lol)


After my uNPDh made a HUGE purchase without my complete agreement, and misled his whereabouts for a full day and had me assume he was working, while leaving me to also work, juggle HIS two kids, my two kids, and our baby, all day-to and from school, childcare coordination etc... We didn't speak for several days, and I decided that was my "last straw'.  I told him that I want to separate, and he became very cold and angry. 


This morning I said that I was standing by my decision and he needed to find a place to go.  He called me and became extremely transparent, admitted his mistreatment of my children, emotionally abusing me, lying to me, and just said I am right about everything, and he will do anything to stay.  He promised to go to a counselor, I said we had already tried that- He wasn't honest or accountable with the counselor.  He promised that everything will change and admitted that he messed up and he understands the severity of the situation now and is completely committed
to doing anything he needs to...


I told him that I didn't believe him and that he has promised before and it always goes back.  I told him that I am done, that I will not tolerate his emotional abuse, or lies anymore, and most importantly, I will not tolerate him mistreating my children.  I told him that I hope he will seek treatment and work on himself, but I am still wanting him to leave.  He won't take no for an answer.


Does this sound like typical behavior?  I am so confused.  I also thought N's never admitted their wrongs.  Thank you for reading my post and I would be so grateful for some advice and thoughts.  :bighug:


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lifeline

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2017, 03:43:26 PM »
So typical, please, don't fall for it...
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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redfish

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2017, 04:31:32 PM »
 
So typical, please, don't fall for it...
:yeahthat:

Just my opinion but I feel you need to stay strong and firm. Give him a chance to better himself and pursue help on his own, outside your home, without your relationship.
I've been in your shoes and believed my now Ex and paid a huge price.

Something strikes me as very 'off' with how your husband was cold and angry at you saying you want to separate and then goes to suddenly telling you everything you want to hear. Sorry but I smell a rat.... N's don't admit any wrongdoing unless they believe it will benefit THEM, not you.
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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Kit99

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2017, 04:50:24 PM »
"told him that I didn't believe him and that he has promised before and it always goes back.  I told him that I am done, that I will not tolerate his emotional abuse, or lies anymore, and most importantly, I will not tolerate him mistreating my children.  I told him that I hope he will seek treatment and work on himself, but I am still wanting him to leave.  He won't take no for an answer."

I could have written this. I was in your shoes and the advice I was given by this forum was to proceed with my plans and watch his actions not his words. Well, sure enough he was declaring war when I didn't accept his empty apologies and rather than work in himself and try to earn back my trust and our family he found supply elsewhere and made my life and the divorce process a living hell.

I hope your H is sincere but do yourself a favor and make him walk the walk (long term! Not temporarily so he can Hoover you back in) before you accept him back into your life or that of your kids. Read Lundy Bancroft's books too... eye opening.

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Adria

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2017, 05:50:25 PM »
I agree with the others.  The only reason Ns admit their wrong is for their own benefit. If he will do whatever it takes to win you back, then let him do it in his own apartment and make him prove himself. That is the only way you will know for sure. :sadno:

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Palepinkpeony

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2017, 11:34:27 PM »
Thank you ALL so much!  I needed to hear that this is something that others have experienced also. It helps to lift the confusion. and the confusion is thick!

I will check out Lundy Bancroft's books -thank you Kit.

-tonight he has been calm and telling me he has read that he just needs to give me space.  He has been trying to bargain with me to stay here part time, while his kids are here (which would be 80% of the time) and saying he will stay elsewhere when they are gone.
-I just feel numb. And incredibly grateful to have you all. No one can understand the way you all do, as you've been there (or are still). 


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notrightinthehead

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2017, 11:54:59 PM »
I am worried about your kids. If he mistreats them, he should not be near them. Sounds like you do most of the work anyway, he doesn't seem to be much help. Make a safe place for yourself and your kids. Go ahead with your plan.

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Palepinkpeony

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2017, 12:07:45 AM »
I am worried about your kids. If he mistreats them, he should not be near them. Sounds like you do most of the work anyway, he doesn't seem to be much help. Make a safe place for yourself and your kids. Go ahead with your plan.
He has not been physically abusive, or necessarily blatantly verbally abusive with them, but he has a constant tone of condescension with them. Requires complete respect (yes, sir! No, sir!) and they cannot have an opinion that differs from his.  He picks apart every little thing they do, and does a lot of non-verbal behavior, like rolling his eyes, huffing at them, disapproving looks, etc.  He questions most of what they say or do and they are good kids. Very good kids actually. 

Yes!! I do most of everything!!! And I'm flat exhausted. He does a few things here and there, and helps more when he is hoovering.
-That is where my feelings of obligation come in... I feel as though I am abandoning his two children. Their mother is a disaster, and definitely emotionally abusive to them (occasionally  physically abusive).  I love them as my own and feel intense guilt for this. I feel like I'm abandoning them. They are just little children and they don't deserve this.  It is breaking my heart. 
« Last Edit: February 17, 2017, 12:09:41 AM by Palepinkpeony »

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Beaner

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2017, 11:16:37 AM »
This sounds so familiar, Palepinkpeony!  We stand in similar shoes in many ways.  Wishing you peace and love.

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Palepinkpeony

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2017, 12:31:11 PM »
This sounds so familiar, Palepinkpeony!  We stand in similar shoes in many ways.  Wishing you peace and love.
Thank you, I wish you the same and I am thankful to be understood and know I'm not alone. (((Hugs to you)))

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142757

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2017, 03:07:31 PM »
  I told him that I hope he will seek treatment and work on himself, but I am still wanting him to leave.  He won't take no for an answer.


I think this is the key statement. If he truly is sorry for his past behavior, then he would realize he needs to seek help regardless of whether it will save his family or not. Whether you choose to go with divorce or not should have no affect on his decision if he is sincere. Too many nons go back on promises of change, not on evidence of change.
"Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb."

Adam West (Batman)
9/19/28 - 6/10/17

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Palepinkpeony

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2017, 03:42:12 PM »
  I told him that I hope he will seek treatment and work on himself, but I am still wanting him to leave.  He won't take no for an answer.

Too many nons go back on promises of change, not on evidence of change.
I think you are exactly right.  It's an insane level of difficult, they seem so sincere.  It's everything you've ever wanted them to say that they'll do.  I want it to be different so badly, but I have to stay strong.

Today, I'm having feelings of wanting to comfort him and love on him.  I feel so bad for him. But I know logically that won't help anything.

I'm just staying broken record today.  I keep telling him I'm serious, and that I am not changing my mind.  I feel like he's cracking with the sweet, sincere, remorseful persona and will soon break and then get real ugly.  I'm scared.

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142757

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2017, 10:43:52 PM »
I keep telling him I'm serious, and that I am not changing my mind.  I feel like he's cracking with the sweet, sincere, remorseful persona and will soon break and then get real ugly.  I'm scared.
Your instinct is probably spot on. It would follow the pattern I've seen from so many others when the hoovering doesn't work. So be aware, alert & protect yourself.
"Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb."

Adam West (Batman)
9/19/28 - 6/10/17

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dragonfly21

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Re: Please help... Suddenly transparent and promising to change
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2017, 11:59:00 PM »
I will chime in here.

Words are easy to say. They "sound" good. Especially when there is false hope and what ifs, as I call it. When you want to believe that "this time it will be different" "this time he REALLY sees it and is going to change". It's the actions that are the true. We want to believe that it COULD change. Observe the actions. That will tell you if this time is real. Change is really hard work, especially if he is getting everything he wants now, why change? "I will just say what she wants to hear and go back to getting what I want".