Need advice

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Associate of Daniel

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Need advice
« on: February 17, 2017, 03:15:57 PM »
My son's (10) N Stepmum is manager of one of his sporting teams.  She is supposed to inform all of the parents each week of where and when the game will be, and other relevant info.

Initially she emailed everyone and had me down last as a cc (instead of on the main list) and under a name that no one would recognize (my official first name that no one calls me and my maiden name which isn't my official name and I don't use it).  But that's irrelevant.

She later changed to texting everyone.  I guess texts are easier for everyone to keep track of. But they also don't reveal the other recipients' details.

Her texts were long. Things like "hope you're all managing to relax with a bottle of wine on the balcony like we are, we 3 have great plans for the weekend.  My lovely husband is scoring this week" (ie: that's my  u/npd ex who she maintained an affair with throughout our marriage)....  she'd also provide info on the rival team and interesting, useful stuff like that. She's high functioning and good at making herself  look good to other people.

Anyway, this year, it appears I've been removed from her list of recipients for texts re the weekly game.

I can (and do) get the info for the games from the official website. But anything extra, like cancellation of training etc.   needs to come from her. And since I take my son to every training session, I sorta kinda need that info.

She sent a text to everyone except me regarding the term start date for training. I had to email her the day before the usual date to ask if it was on. She emailed back one word, no.  I heard nothing for the next week. So I emailed again on the training day, asking if it was on. Again, one word. Yes. She didn't refer me to the text she'd sent to everyone else which had given the start date and she could have given me the start date in response to my first email. If I hadn't asked her, I would have taken my son to a training session that wasn't on.

Come the first game of the year, my son's team had a bye. She texted me the day before,  "There's no basketball game tomorrow.".

Come the following week, she texted after 9.30pm the night before (she, my ex and I have a curfew of 9pm to 9am), 3 words. "(Time), game, (place)."

There is no way she'd be sending such sharp messages to the rest of the parents.

It's now the morning of the next game. While I've been typing, she's finally sent through details. It came through at about 6.40am. (Again breaking curfew.) Again, short and sharp. And strangely, on the phone she insisted she NOT use for game info. (I have 2 phones.)

I SO WANT TO CALL HER OUT.  I so want to let the other parents know what sort of person she is.  I'm tempted to ask one of them to forward any texts she sends to them but I don't want to drag any if them into the mire. And she's undoubtedly poisoned them against me anyway.

I know she's doing it to get my attention. She can't stand to be ignored. 

Should I ask her to reinstate me on the list? Should I bypass her and involve another parent? Should I just  pretend it isn't happening, not say anything to anyone and hope I don't miss any vital info?

I'm not sure when the season ends. Maybe my son will quit soon,  and maybe (hopefully) someone else will put themselves up to replace her as team manager. (Maybe she'll quit the role since our team is at the bottom of the ladder!)

I'm just so sick of her (and my u/npd exH) getting away with apalling behaviour and many people not knowing  about it.

The curfew thing has been normal for her game texts too, even the ones she sends to the other parents.  I don't think any parent appreciates receiving such texts so late at night.  One night it was just before midnight. It's attention seeking.

Sorry this has ended up so long.   I wasn't going to go into so much detail but I guess I'm frustrated.

What should I do, Folks?

AOD

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bopper

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2017, 03:57:29 PM »
First I would start out asking if you could be placed on the same email/text group as the other parents...you are talking to the other parents and it seems as if you have been inadvertantly left off as they are getting texts you are not or are getting them  much later than everyone else. (pretend it is inadvertant). 

Is she the head coach of the team? or is there anyone "above" her on the team?  If so, copy them with the above request.

If that does not work contact the league and ask if what the procedure is supposed to be to get information about cancellations in a timely manner. You have been asked to be put on the same list as the other parents but for some reason the manager won't do it.

Also ask some of the other parents when you see them in person at the games/practices  to foward you any email or texts that she sends out regarding team info as for some reason you have been left off the list despite repeated requests.

None of this mentions she is stepmum, had an affair, is too wordy or anything but you are a parent of a kid and are not getting the info in a timely manner.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
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Crayola13

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2017, 03:00:15 AM »
She's ashamed of her affair and feels like too much of a low life to talk to you.

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HotCocoa

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2017, 05:45:37 AM »
I would make it uncomfortable for her.  Start by calling and emailing the other coaches/managers of the team as well as the other parents.  "I'm not getting emails/texts from the manager, please send me all information about such and such, really appreciate it!"  Then, whatever form of communication you use, such as our family wizard, start letting your ex know.  "I haven't been put on any emails/texts for communication about games and practices, I have emailed and texted the other managers for information as well as spoke to the other parents.  This blatant removal of information is a violation of our court order." 
You can't play nice.  I would also do it every time they take your child to the dr. without your knowledge.  "This is part of a court order, I notified you xx day of when I would be taking child to dr., He came home and stated he went this weekend without my knowledge or consent, this is a violation of the court order." 
Start tracking it for the court so when you go in again, not if, when, you have proof of what has been happening.  It also puts them on notice you are aware of their games.
All business sounding emails, don't get emotional, although I know the feeling inside.  Hang in there!
 :bighug:

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2017, 06:10:46 AM »
Thanks for your replies, Folks. I've taken your advice on board and will decide soon what to do.

Hot Cocoa,  our court orders are a little too vague to hold him accountable.  I am in the process if trying to bring clarity to them in the areas you've mentioned.  But as my solicitor repeatedly tells me, the court can lay out all sorts of rules but they can't make someone behave.  The consequences for going against them are pitiful and meaningless.  The only real consequences to be had require physical abuse to occur. And (thankfully) that has never been an issue.

But I like your idea of emailing him to summarise the occasions with dates etc..  I do keep emails and summaries of events myself. But I usually don't confront him on his actions because it just feeds his fire and I'd rather have a peaceful life.

Crayola, I wish it were true that she's ashamed of her affair. But I don't believe she has the ability to feel shame. I see instead an extremely insecure woman who is desperate for attention.  Any attention - negative or positive. And she simply cannot see that what she does is inappropriate.  She sees that it hurts other people but she simply doesn't care. 

I do believe that my u/npd exH is ashamed and is riddled with guilt. But he deals with it by projecting his behaviour onto others so that he doesn't have to be accountable.

AOD

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Stumbleon

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2017, 02:02:59 AM »
Also if you have a parent who is a good friend of yours, even as you are asking to be placed on the proper lists, I would ask that person to forward any and everything to you in the meantime so you and your DS don't miss out!! Go team :)

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WesternLover

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2017, 07:27:03 PM »
Hello Associate of Daniel,

I really liked what HotCocoa had to say.  Even though the court may have what seems like insignificant consequences to this behavior, I would still document all instances it. You never know how it may benefit you in the future. Perhaps, since she is your son's step-parent, you will have to deal with her on other matters as well. If she acts the same way in other instances, you can build a better case for contempt.  Just a theoretical example, you can prove she tried keep you in the dark on the games, blocked your communication with your ex and refused to cooperate on informing you on doctor's appointments.  As Pink Floyd's says these are all examples of bricks in the wall she is building to keep you out and make you insignificant.  Eventually you may have big pile of bricks as illustrations of her alienating behavior.

I agree the Narcissist don't really feel shame. If they somehow do, it's only for a fleeting instant before they are able to quickly justify it away, blaming it on someone or something in the the outside world. It's YOUR fault they did what they did.  Her thought process says if you weren't such a bad wife, your husband wouldn't have had an affair with her, and he did because she is just better all around. These people are so callous in that regard, they could kill one of your family members, and say how you somehow forced their hand. Someone with no or an under-developed conscious cannot feel shame.

Me personally, I would definitely befriend another parent on the team. Usually narcissists wind up making an enemy or two. Perhaps she made a comment to another parent that somehow belittled their child. Also, if I didn't know her all so well, my kid was on her team and I had receive texts about her awesome life and how her husband was getting lucky, I'd find it totally obnoxious. I read it and in my head I'd be like "Lady, who the f*ck cares about how ridiculously amazing your life is, and how awesome you and your husband are???" I'd also find it inappropriate she was talking about her husband getting lucky on a group forum, as a coach, of a kid's sports. That's probably because I have experience with a narcissist though, and could smell that crap for miles.

And you know what? Since you said you can't see the distribution list on a text, maybe she didn't send the awesome weekend text to everyone. Maybe she just sent it to you in order to rub salt in the wounds. Narcs love to do that as well. Any who, my guess is she also rubbed someone else the wrong way on that team or maybe you have a particular parent you are friendly with. I would definitely see if they would be willing to forward you the texts, so 1) you can keep informed of what really going on and 2) your child doesn't miss out as a result of her own game playing.

I bet it would drive her even more nuts if you managed to show up at all the games despite her attempts to isolate you. Plus she wants to press your buttons and lead you into a conflict. I think it's best to go above her to like others said as well. See if you can get a manager involved somehow.  Remember though she wants to make you feel small. Be careful calling her out though unless you're sure someone else sees through her b.s. too.  Otherwise it may backfire.

I wish you the best of luck!

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2017, 12:05:36 AM »
Thank, WL. A little short on time currently but wanted to clarify... when I wrote that N Smum said her lovely husband was scoring it was in reference to him scoring the game on the weekend.  Each family is rostered to be scorers throughout the season and the team manager lets us know who's turn it is each week.

You made me chuckle though!

As an aside I initially thought that my ex and I would alternate the job of scoring the game when our family's turns came around. You know, share the load?  He made it abundantly clear that I was absolutely NOT to do any scoring and how DARE I think that that was a good thing to do.   

Lol.  I get to watch my boy with my full attention at every game and not have the worry of getting the score wrong.  Ex doesn't.

Thanks all.  Will keep you posted.

AOD

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WesternLover

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2017, 12:54:11 PM »
Oh my, oops, that is funny indeed ;D :tongue2:  Laughter is a great antidote, at least I could provide a little comic relief :)

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2017, 05:36:01 AM »
So I've emailed N Smum tonight asking to be reinstated on her list of parents.

Her question was what info did I think I had missed out on. Um.. I don't know because you haven't texted me. :stars:

Anyway, of course she's refusing, saying she's sending me the info relevant to me. So is she sending seperate texts to everyone with info only relevant to them? I hardly think so.

I've drafted a text to the previous coach who is now "just" a team Mum, asking if she'd forward the common texts to me.  I will send it on Thursday evening after I've seen Smum and/or u/npd exH. I need to time things right. You all get that difficulty. ...


AOD

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #10 on: February 24, 2017, 07:06:33 PM »
Update:

It took 9 emails to and fro. The inevitable circular "conversation" but I managed to stick to the point,  I think.

 She tried repeatedly to say she'd told me the start date of training. LIE

She eventually said that if she managed to send everyone the text within curfew I'd get the same text. Otherwise I'd get a seperate one.  I said I don't mind receiving team texts out of curfew as long as they're the same texts and sent at the same time.

I didn't call her out on the fact that the seperate texts she's been sending have been sent outside of curfew and shouldn-t have been.

I didn't bother saying that the 9pm to 9am curfew was probably a good idea for the other parents as well.  (She's not a parent and only looks after my son on weekends. )  I don't know any parent who appreciates receiving such texts much later or earlier than those times. Especially just before midnight or before 7am on the morning of the game.

Her final email was that if I wanted to be treated the same as the other parents I needed to treat her with  the same respect that they do:  saying hello to her and thanking her for her texts.

Last time I said hello to her she yelled at me loud enough for a pool full of people to hear. And I doubt that every parent says hello and thankyou to her every week. Too many people around at games and we-re all a bit busy to send a thanks for every text.

And why should we fawn over her for DOING HER JOB?????

I so hope someone takes over the team manager's role soon.

Anyway,  she sent me the team text yesterday, and within curfew.  I sent her a thks (couldn't help but think she doesn't deserve any vowells!) text a minute before curfew kicked in. 

I didn't cc anyone into our emails and I didn't send the text I'd drafted to the previous coach. I've kept it just in case.

We'll see how this pans out.

Thanks for your advice,  Folks.

AOD

Ps:  I don't like the person I am with her. Not saying hello or thank-you, and thinking nasty things is not me.  But it's done for self protection. You guys get it.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2017, 10:42:54 PM »
Back again. (Are you surprised?)

So she sent 3 texts,  within curfew.

Then I hear from ds on Friday morning that the breakup party is happening the following day.

What breakup party?

Yep.  She hadn't included me in the arrangements and hadn't informed me it was happening.

I don't go to the breakups because they happen on my ex's time.  But as team manager she should have kept me in the loop.

Her excuse was that she knew I was going to a school event on that day and that I wouldn't be able to attend the breakup.  (I'll be speaking to the school about them letting my ex know of my involvement. Hopefully it won't happen again.)

She was sweet as pie, gleefully letting me know that she knows some of my private business.

I don't want this to continue into next season.  She said she'd include me in everything and hasn't.

Should I contact the other Mum as I originally planned to do?  If so, when?

The presentation night is in 2 weeks and it's possible that someone else will take over the role of team manager.  If they do,  and I don't tell anyone of her behaviour she will have got away with it (again). If she continues in the role her behaviour will continue.  Should I wait and see if she continues in the role before telling anyone?

Should I just forget about it?

AOD

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Medowynd

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2017, 05:20:05 PM »
I would not forget about it.  I would contact the other mom and find a way to stay in the loop with out the SM.  Why should she be rewarded for her behavior.  I would not be surprised that she is having friendly conversations at school fishing for information.  Hope this gives you some ideas.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #13 on: March 21, 2017, 05:53:04 AM »
Thanks, Medowynd.

Thinking about it further though.  Like many pd situations,  I'm going to look petty if I report it.  She's done just enough to be able to say she's done her job.  She's informed me of what was relevant to me. I just wasn-t given all of the same info that the other parents received.

I don't think outsiders would get the situation.

I don't know. Do I want the drama that will ensue if I report her?

AOD

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bopper

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2017, 10:24:24 AM »
If this was not the stepmom, how would you handle this situation?

The person is not giving you timely information.  Maybe it is time to tell the coach/league that you are having issues getting info and if there are other volunteers for team parent that might be good so it will be neutral. Could you volunteer?
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.