Lies from Adult Daughter

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chowder

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Lies from Adult Daughter
« on: March 16, 2017, 06:27:37 AM »
Our 27-year-old daughter has been accepting our financial help to finish schooling.  At times we would ask how things were going, how finals were, and she would reply how she thought she did fine, or wasn't sure about the exam, or other responses that led us to believe all was going according to plan.

We have now learned that she has gotten 5 F's in a row and has not completed the recent semesters.   My husband and I have decided to not lend any more financial support, since she has not kept up her responsibilities.

For about two weeks we have told her this needs to be discussed, and she has been avoiding us.  Yesterday she called me to ask my opinion about her taking another course (!) and I said first we'd need to address the lying and deception.  She said she didn't have time for that, and actually hung up, saying she was sorry she called me.  Then she called my husband.

She is now complaining to him about me and how my reaction is "why she doesn't come to me with anything."   He has a history of telling her what's done is done and wanting to move on (and behaviors get repeated) and facilitates her avoidance of her responsibilities.   I do not see him sticking up for me and reinforcing the need for her to stand up and take ownership of what she has done.   He lets her vent about me.  Things get clouded over, where the issue of her deception and lies is not the focus, but she makes me the focus now because I didn't follow her script in the phone conversation.   To me, the lies and deception have to be addressed first and foremost. 

I am not confident that my husband will be strong and have my back on this.  In the past he has actually told her that he "swears on his mother's grave" that she would not have to have a relationship with me and that he would be her contact for everything going forward.  I moved out on him after learning that.  This was years ago, and after counselling we got through it.  However, I still think this is his "default" position and it's a struggle to get what I feel I'm entitled to in a marriage.

He also has a history of running interference with his two sons (my stepsons), where I am involved, but he does not have them come to me directly.  I have enjoyed a good relationship with them, but husband dominates.  Example:  stepsons went to a wedding in another state - and while my husband and I were out of the country on vacation, in the hotel pool husband told me that he let them take my car to the wedding.  !!   They didn't come directly to me, even though I was totally available.  I also thought it was sneaky that he told me at a time and place where I could do absolutely nothing about it.  It also shows a disregard for me and a disrespect for my property.

So I feel like I'm pushed aside again.   When I bring things up to husband, he gets exasperated and annoyed.  When I see him texting her, I do not trust that he has my best interests at heart.

Any ideas?  Thanks so much in advance.


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momnthefog

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2017, 07:07:55 AM »
chowder,

I think a 27 yo who is failing college needs to be taught a lesson. 

The lesson should be pay for it on your own. 

Its just human nature to value things/people/stuff that we sacrifice for.  We try to instill that in our children when we have them save allowance for that special toy they love.

I would be frustrated with H as well.   There needs to be a team effort in parenting regardless of the age of the child.   It was sneaky and underhanded for him to drop the bomb about the stepsons using the car like he did.  I'd be angry as well.  Maybe counseling....since that appears to have helped in the past?

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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chowder

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2017, 07:27:34 AM »
Counseling is an option, yes - though it always seems like a temporary Band-Aid.  And I feel like I'm always fighting for things that should be basic.

Yes, for 27yo it is time to stand on your own two feet - do you know what a battle this has been with H that it hasn't happened years ago?  He is an enabler, under the guise of "helping."

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momnthefog

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2017, 07:33:40 AM »
Counseling is an option, yes - though it always seems like a temporary Band-Aid.  And I feel like I'm always fighting for things that should be basic.

Yes, for 27yo it is time to stand on your own two feet - do you know what a battle this has been with H that it hasn't happened years ago?  He is an enabler, under the guise of "helping."

Sometimes its easier to "help" than deal with the drama/anger/fear/obligation/guilt that comes with saying no.

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2017, 01:47:34 PM »
Yes, it takes a lot of guts to say NO to a daughter, especially when your husband does not have your back and undermines you and tries to be popular with her. Think of her though. What lesson are you teaching her if you continue to suppirt her?
I was in a similar situation a year ago. I told my NPDh to not dare say anything to contradict me, in fact to not talk to her at all. Then I told her that I would reduce her allowance to medical aid and mobile contract and she would have to come up for whatever else she wanted. She was living with me and I fed her, so I knew she would not be homeless or starve. She did not like it. She threw an amazing temper tantrum. She accused me of all sorts of things. Eventually she snapped out of it and got a job. Today, a year later she is very happy.
You are on the right path. Maybe Uni is not for her. Let her find out what she can do and achieve.

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Crayola13

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2017, 04:05:48 PM »
That is so sad. I would also address why she keeps failing and not completing semesters. Is she pursuing a major that is beyond her abilities? Did she choose this major because it was what she wanted, or because it was what you wanted? Is she working too many hours, etc.

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chowder

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2017, 06:31:09 PM »
Yes, it is sad.  It is not a course out of her reach, she just doesn't apply herself.  She graduated high school #12 out of over 500 students, and squandered a full college scholarship.  She has changed majors a few times, and this is one of her choosing currently, she enjoys the courses, and just doesn't finish.

My gut about H was spot on.  Tonight he told me he lied to me about her.  Last night he had called me on the way home from work, asking what had happened, since he got a message from her.  I asked if he had spoken to her, he said no.  So I filled him in on what was going on.

This morning I checked the cell phone logs online, and they show he spoke to her for 7 minutes before calling me.  When I approached him about it, he danced and said, Well, I tried to call her, but she didn't answer, I didn't realize the phone was open, blah, blah, blah.  I taped this interaction between him and me.

Tonight he came clean and said he did call her first, but she was upset and crying, etc. so he found out nothing.  I asked him about our conversation this morning when he clearly said "she didn't answer."  You now say she was crying, but this morning you said she didn't answer. Do you know, he tried to twist that around, saying "Well, I meant she didn't answer my questions."

I now have three different versions from H, who is supposed to be your soul mate and have your back.  He knows I will not live with a liar and is trying every which way to justify it or give excuses - he should have been more clear, he should have this, he should have that.   He plays these games and tries to cover them up, and I just am done, so done.  He's misleading, she's misleading.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2017, 06:33:07 PM by chowder »

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momnthefog

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2017, 07:45:14 AM »
Chowder,

Is this a second marriage?  If so, where do the children fall? 

Glad you are listening to your gut.  Its an amazing tool.

Based on what is going on with H (misleading and different stories), have you considered counseling for yourself? 

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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chowder

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2017, 08:22:12 AM »
Hi, momnthefog - yes, it is a second marriage.  He's got two sons in their forties from the first marriage, and this 27yo daughter is ours together.

Yes, I am considering counseling for myself.  I need to remain strong and there are very few people I can confide in.  Our friends think he is the cat's meow.  If only they knew behind closed doors...

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momnthefog

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2017, 10:04:09 AM »
Chowder,

Completely understand him being the "cat's meow."

I'm divorced.  Came to a great shock to church and family when we divorced, but enough was enough. 

I think counseling for you might help you determine what you want/need. 

You can always come here to share....between all of us on the parent's forum, there's not much we haven't seen or heard or experienced.

momnthefog

"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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hhaw

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2017, 10:17:56 AM »
Chowder:

I wonder what your husband feels would happen if he stopped enabling dd.

He likely has issues and deep seated fears you aren't aware of.... perhaps he's not aware of them entirely himself? 

It's certain your dd manipulates him.

I'm often frustrated when I'm punished for stating honest (perceived as negative) facts about someone. 

I realized that if I speak with deep and abiding compassion for the person or people I'm referring to, I receive a much better response from the listener.  If I give off even a tiny bit of judgement..... defensiveness is activated, and that's that, IME.

Can you suspend judgement, embrace curiosity, and ask your dh to speak about his feelings.... all of them?  Just sit and listen, allowing him to feel safe, and mirror back so he feels heard?

Your dh isn't just sabotaging you.... he's sabotaging his own dd, and marriage.  That's likely attached to deeply held core beliefs.... likely fear.  If you can help him identify these feelings, you have a starting point for discussing solutions.

Until then, attempts to talk about your dd will likely remain unproductive, IMO.  IF he could do better, your dh would.  For some reason he just can't right now, and it's likely a shift will have to come from you. 

I find that staying positive is a better position for me, my health, and the well being of those in my life.  I don't always manage to stay positive, but I work at getting back to it as I can.

Good luck,
hhaw

 
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

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bopper

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2017, 04:06:16 PM »
I read this on etiquettehell.com and thought it was pertinent:

Quote
First, someone looking for money will review their options from most convenient to least convenient.  When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail.  But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.

Second, we use the expression in our office that "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working."  It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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hhaw

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Re: Lies from Adult Daughter
« Reply #12 on: March 22, 2017, 04:55:10 PM »
I read this on etiquettehell.com and thought it was pertinent:

Quote
First, someone looking for money will review their options from most convenient to least convenient.  When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail.  But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.

Second, we use the expression in our office that "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working."  It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.


This is powerful truth, bopper.  I wish I had a chance to share it with a friend before she passed.  It might have helped her gain perspective on her addicted son's situation. 
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche