Am I doing the right thing?

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freedomtoroam21

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Am I doing the right thing?
« on: March 16, 2017, 11:05:21 AM »
Hey all.  It has been awhile since I have been on here.  I have finally moved into my own apartment with our 2 young children after over a year of being separated from H.  I have gone to a lawyer and had our papers drafted up, but not filed yet.  I told H that I was done and that I wasn't coming back to live with him and reconcile.  He has been a roller coaster ever since.  At first, he didn't speak to me for weeks.  Then he was mean, telling me that I am cruel, and ruining his life, and depriving my children from a father, etc.  Then he says how much he misses me, and if I give him one more chance, things will be different and wonderful.  He says that if I knew him, I would know how much he likes to make others happy, even more than himself (this is news to me) :o .  But, he's not wrong, and that is the part that is so confusing to me.  I AM depriving my children of  their father.  he lives 2,000 miles away and cannot move since he is in the military, so they rarely see him.  (Although he did recently have a plane ticket to come visit and decided last minute not to come).  He also accuses me of being manipulative, which maybe isn't wrong either.  I was sneaky in leaving, and with my plans to not return.  So, is he really any worse than me? ?  Also, he really shocked me because with our tax return, he paid off my car!  It was really generous of him, and I wasn't expecting him to do that.  But I also feel that he did it so that he could guilt me into coming back. And at times, going back to him sounds great.  It would be so nice to have a second parent to help with the kids, and have a companion.  But then I remind myself of what it was really like.  I am just really struggling with knowing that I am doing the right thing, and that I'm not really the bad guy here.  Thanks for listening.

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Dufresne

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2017, 11:18:24 AM »
I don't know that it's helpful, or meaningful to boil these situations down into good guys vs. bad guys. Even normal life without PD flavoring is messy and complicated. Sometimes in order to take care of ourselves, we end up doing the wrong things for the right reasons. A great analogy that I remember hearing when I first came to OOTF was the airplane oxygen mask ... When the plane is going down, you put your own mask on first before you assist anyone else. Acting on your own behalf in not always an act of selfishness.
"I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not."  ~Kurt Cobain

“I’m responsible only for what I say, not what you understand.” ~John Wayne

"A man may fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins blaming someone else." ~Unknown

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freedomtoroam21

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2017, 12:30:18 PM »
thank you for that perspective!  it is so easy for me to get caught up in thinking about it, since I am one of those people that wants to please everyone. But I love that analogy!  I will need to remind myself of that daily.  Thank you again!

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mrstring

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2017, 01:50:35 PM »
Hey all.  It has been awhile since I have been on here.  I have finally moved into my own apartment with our 2 young children after over a year of being separated from H.  I have gone to a lawyer and had our papers drafted up, but not filed yet.  I told H that I was done and that I wasn't coming back to live with him and reconcile.  He has been a roller coaster ever since.  At first, he didn't speak to me for weeks.  Then he was mean, telling me that I am cruel, and ruining his life, and depriving my children from a father, etc.  Then he says how much he misses me, and if I give him one more chance, things will be different and wonderful.  He says that if I knew him, I would know how much he likes to make others happy, even more than himself (this is news to me) :o .  But, he's not wrong, and that is the part that is so confusing to me.  I AM depriving my children of  their father.  he lives 2,000 miles away and cannot move since he is in the military, so they rarely see him.  (Although he did recently have a plane ticket to come visit and decided last minute not to come).  He also accuses me of being manipulative, which maybe isn't wrong either.  I was sneaky in leaving, and with my plans to not return.  So, is he really any worse than me? ?  Also, he really shocked me because with our tax return, he paid off my car!  It was really generous of him, and I wasn't expecting him to do that.  But I also feel that he did it so that he could guilt me into coming back. And at times, going back to him sounds great.  It would be so nice to have a second parent to help with the kids, and have a companion.  But then I remind myself of what it was really like.  I am just really struggling with knowing that I am doing the right thing, and that I'm not really the bad guy here.  Thanks for listening.

Different situation, I struggle with if I am doing this right as well, what helps me is to think of what the alternative is and is it fair to me and how I should be treated.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2017, 02:26:11 PM »
All the reasons why you left him, are they no longer valid? As we feel better, we tend to forget what made us leave in the first place. When I feel that way, I visit my NPDh. Only takes half an hour to remember how it was.

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Aisumi

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2017, 10:22:35 PM »
I get the finding it hard to remember the bad because he is so determined to show you how wonderful he is. My recent ex-husband promised me he would give me all the money he got for Christmas, to show how dedicated he was to taking care of us. But, we spent some time together, and "all" became "half" became "well, here is the debit card for the account I put the money in and if you use any try to put it back". Yeah. Remembering why you left is painful and hard especially when he is dedicated(ish) to proving you wrong about him. But big promises usually don't get fulfilled, and it is so much easier in the long run to stuck to your guns about leaving than do a yo-yo dance.
“If you kept changing the way people saw the world, you ended up changing the way you saw yourself.”
― Terry Pratchett, Going Postal

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Greys0n

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2017, 05:42:29 AM »
never have doubts in yourself, u do the right thing