Ridiculous exclusion

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Pepin

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Ridiculous exclusion
« on: March 19, 2017, 08:58:19 PM »
A nephew recently celebrated a birthday of which our family was not invited to.  His birthday, his guest list.

However, I was just informed yesterday by DH through PDmil that the reason we were not invited is because two of us in our family are gluten free and there would be nothing for us to eat.

So food is the sole reason to celebrate a birthday?  It isn't life threatening or anything like that.  We know how to plan ahead, eat before or bring snacks.  It is not a big deal.

I absolutely feel that it is ridiculous that our being gluten free is being used like this.  To date we have not been left out of other invites.

SIL just dropped lower in my list since she is behind this.  What up with DH's family?   :Idunno:

If we host a gathering this summer I will be sure to announce out loud while locking eyes on SIL: ALL of our food is gluten free and we hope that it is ok that we don't have gluten options!. Or something along those lines.  I am so upset I cannot even think straight.

SIL.  What a piece of work. 
Motherless daughter (now mother) raised by raging narcissist father. 
NC with NF since 2008 and 1997-2001.

Sometimes the grass will appear greener on the other side because it has been fertilized by bullshit.

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kayjewel

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Re: Ridiculous exclusion
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2017, 11:08:49 PM »
She sounds like a very small-minded, petty person.

It's for situations like this that the saying was invented, "It's her loss, not yours."
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

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boots40

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Re: Ridiculous exclusion
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2017, 07:46:24 AM »
We've had some lame excuses for being excluded too.  Whenever we have gotten to the bottom of the REAL issue it is usually because PDMIL has asked family members to not invite us because she is angry at us.  Because they know PDMIL is a difficult character they go along with it then make up some silly reason for the exclusion (to try and avoid further drama).

Another thing to think about - just because PDMIL gives you a version of events doesn't necessarily make it so.  We have been told a lot of rubbish by MIL in the past and when we have confronted people about it they didn't have a clue. Is PDMIL stirring the pot?
"What you say about me isn't nearly as bad as what I know about you"

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mayaberry

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Re: Ridiculous exclusion
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2017, 08:08:05 AM »
I have to say that I agree with boots. I would be wary of believing what your Mil told you. She might well have told sil that you wouldn't attend anyway due to the food intolerances. My nmil makes up excuses on behalf of people all the time and the people in charge rarely know anything about it.

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Fergie2

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Re: Ridiculous exclusion
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2017, 08:28:28 AM »
Sounds like it's more than food issues. Gluten free is so easy to cater to. As a host, you would ensure there were options for dietary restrictions for your guests, it's basic. And if you're not sure, call the guest and work it out. Every grocery store nowadays have a ton of premade, throw in the oven gluten free foods. Most of the outer aisles are gluten free. So every single thing they served had gluten in it? She's never catered to an adult or child who didn't eat certain foods or had preferences?Peanut butter, sandwich crusts, etc and turned them away? Doubtful.

That should mean that you should be excluded from all future events, weddings, birthdays and holidays with everyone due to having a basic food intolerance. Every person in the world including children with a food intolerance should not attend any events, birthdays and holidays. See how ridiculous this sounds? But your SIL actually justifies the above in an effort to exclude you.

Btw, I don't eat any processed foods, no caffeine, no sugar, no meat (unless organic, freerange bla bla bla), no alcohol, no gluten or wheat/breads of any kind yet I don't get disinvited to events because of it. Actually all hosts go above and beyond to ensure I'm comfortable. Especially extended family members, the ones I'm in contact with anyways.

I don't think this is about a simple intolerance to gluten. If it was you would have never attended them in the first place. But as the above poster said, it's SIL choice if she wants you there and the truth is she didn't so it's her loss. Write this down in your memory bank and move on. I wouldn't get too close or personal with what I tell this woman in the future. Medium chill all the way because you can't force someone to like you or change their behaviour so you may as well accept what is and concentrate on the people that actually matter. 💚

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Inurdreams

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Re: Ridiculous exclusion
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2017, 10:37:47 AM »
I agree with Boots, too.  I've had this happened to me, although food was not the "reason."

Look at this as a blessing.  You will no longer be invited to their Holiday craptaculars!  Yay!  You won't have to think up excuses not to go and not to host because your MIL (and possibly SIL) have given you a get out of jail free card.
Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

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DJCleo

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Re: Ridiculous exclusion
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2017, 01:53:13 PM »
I'd just tell them that that's not how this works. If they can't figure out how not to include wheat in something, tell them to call / text  / email or however is best to contact you.

If it's on facebook, then tell them to put it in the event details. Then you can tell them that if they can't manage to get wheat free food, then you'll bring your own.

I'd bring my own if needed or make my own arrangements. It's not so hard once you know how to do it.

Just be sure to take away their excuses. :)

P.S. - Thanks for the "heads up" that this might be used against me. I am also gluten-free! My PD MIL sent us a big book with bread recipes in it right after I went gluten-free. We gave it away to someone who could use it in a yankee gift exchange! Some people will do use anything to try to ostracize others. What a shame!

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Pepin

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Re: Ridiculous exclusion
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2017, 04:35:44 PM »
Thanks guys -- I absolutely feel that "food" was not the REAL reason behind this but one that was used as a cheap shot.  Two other family members (a cousin and her mom) are also gf and I wonder if they were invited to the party?  Should I ask them? 

I am also debating whether or not I should probe DH for some more info....whether this really came from PDsil or if PDmil just made it up so we wouldn't feel left out -- even though YES we actually were then made to feel left out!   :doh:

DJCleo -- yes, I posted a while back about PDmil getting on our case about being gluten free -- targeting our teenager.  Our teen has been gf for over a year now and it hasn't been all that easy.  She does miss being able to have things that she loved at restaurants and goes into a funk if we dine at those places.  Naturally PDmil picks up on this and instead of providing support, she pushes our teen to cheat.  This has created a lot of tension.  My daughter already is unhappy with PDmil and onto her being a PD...but has trouble when food she adores is put in front of her.   

Inurdreams -- YES!!!  I love avoiding Holiday Craptaculars and it is tiring coming up with excuses.  If I hadn't been a given a reason as to why we weren't invited to our nephew's birthday I would have been like whatevs....would have declined anyway.  But the reason that has surfaced changes everything.
Motherless daughter (now mother) raised by raging narcissist father. 
NC with NF since 2008 and 1997-2001.

Sometimes the grass will appear greener on the other side because it has been fertilized by bullshit.

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DJR

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Re: Ridiculous exclusion
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2017, 07:34:08 PM »
Pepin, the gluten-free reason for no invitation sounds like an excuse to me too.  I have a gluten-free friend and she always gets invited, it's not some insurmountable problem and she's an adult who can make her own decisions.

Like you say, I think there's something else at play, otherwise why let you know you were excluded from the party? Also why have this message of the reason/excuse be passed on through the grapevine to you?!

If it were me I'd resist the urge to find out more. Just feel the hurt and anger, maybe readjust personal boundaries, and then try move on and get back to normal life. Delving deeper often leads to more hurt, when I could've been enjoying life with nice people who aren't exclusive. This is something I've learnt the hard way!
 Good luck.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2017, 07:38:05 PM by DJR »

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all4peace

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Re: Ridiculous exclusion
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2017, 09:38:52 PM »
I agree. It is ridiculous.

DS was once excluded from his own bday party because GC SIL was sick, and wanted to attend, and they "didn't want to expose us." Very considerate, hey?

I agree on being glad you don't have to go and not trying to figure out more about the reasons. It's lousy and I'm sorry it was used against you. Like it's not already bad enough to have to have a specialized diet...