Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.

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Newlife33

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Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« on: March 20, 2017, 10:05:47 AM »
It's so frustrating.  I'm at my wits end.  I have been NC for three months, so it has become part of my life.  A part of my life that I am very, very happy about.

The thing though that really kills me is when people find out about it they are perplexed.  Some give me the "family is family" line, or they say every family is crazy and that I should just support them.  Or they say that I'm too harsh to completely cut out my family.  Even worse some look at me like I am the crazy one.  How could I not want a mom or dad around?  Or worse, how could I abandon my father after my mother passed away?  Instead of validating or giving merit to my emotions, they just stick their own opinions or experiences down my throat and don't give me any help.  It's doubly frustrating because I only shared my situation with two co workers who I am close with, and to see them react the way they did was a blow.

Deep down this may be a good thing though, as I feel I am in a career that I chose and was good at because I allowed the PD influences of my family to dictate my life and my career and my social and economic choices.  Now that I am free of that it sort of makes sense that I am going to feel some friction in my life, so that is a small token of appreciation I have taken from all of this.

Anyway, it is good to know that this site is here and that everyone here understands.  Without the help, advice and therapy I have received I don't even want to think about the dark place I might have fallen into.  Thanks for being there and for listening.  It is appreciated. 

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Bloomie

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2017, 10:58:22 AM »
Newlife33 - how insightful to put the pieces together that there will be some friction in other areas of our lives when we have to make the choice to go NC with PD family members. How very true that is, yet unexpected too. There are those that will never be able to understand and it does help to have a safe refuge to share with those that absolutely do. I am sorry your sharing something that is the result of years of difficulty was not met with support and acceptance.
Bloomie 🌸
The 3 C's Rule: "I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and...I can't Control it." http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule

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Totallytickedoff

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2017, 11:17:15 AM »
My SIL (H's older sister) has been NC with the family for the better part of 10 years. At first I didn't get it but as time went on it has become crystal clear to me. Most of the rest of H's FOO don't get it and they probably never will. Either they just don't experience the abuse (it's covert) or they refuse to acknowledge it -- cognitive dissonance. I believe sometimes people become conditioned to the abuse so therefore it becomes a normal part of their reality.  :stars:

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coyote

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2017, 11:29:03 AM »
Newlife,
There is a saying; "those that matter don't care, those that care don't matter." The truth of the matter is that anyone who has not lived with a PD just cannot understand. It all seems so incredible that no one who has not experienced it simply cannot fathom what they put us through. Hang in there, you have plenty of understanding and support here.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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Adria

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2017, 12:01:25 PM »
There's another saying, ""For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, no explanation will do."

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moglow

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2017, 12:08:16 PM »
I'm pretty selective who I share that info with - I'm very limited contact with my mother but have been NC at times in the past. People don't get it. They think you're punishing some poor old (wo)man, and don't see that it's very much a choice of taking care of yourself. Few realize just how hard a decision that is to make or what it takes to get you to that place, where you can't subject yourself to their treatment any longer.


What others think is their stuff - try to not take it as a judgement. That's much easier said than done, but just keep in mind they have no idea what you've lived. For that, I suppose we should be grateful.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Newlife33

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2017, 12:47:03 PM »
Thanks everyone for all the responses, those words gave me comfort on a really difficult day. 

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nwbc

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2017, 01:55:16 PM »
Hi newlife,

I hear you and understand. Of course we're the bad guys for initiating NC, and often in our FOO we're the scapegoat and often gaslit too. My DW and I run into this all the time and we're literally in the process of finding new friends.
What we're doing - and I recommend this - is once a week we invite a new person over for dinner. It's a stretch and some weeks we miss doing it, but we make a real effort. If the dinner goes well, we work on the friendship. Since going NC I'm distant with those friends who have 'perfect' "put on a brave face no matter what" FOOs and just don't understand or want to understand why I am NC. We found ourselves with few friends, so we realized it would be work to make new ones.
My new friends ALL totally get my NC situation. One he was estranged from his FOO and uPDD but reconciled, so he totally gets it. Minimal JADING needed there. Another new friend, she has been NC for 15 years with her PDm, something I just learned today. It helps to heave friends and support you can confide in when the going gets tough.
How diverse is the community you live in? For us our community is fairly diverse, and our friends are more diverse now. It can be hard if you are in a fairly mono-culture community, especially if that culture frowns on diverging from your FOO.
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Newlife33

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2017, 02:16:45 PM »
nwbc great advice!  I am about to start doing that, I really have been lacking in inviting and trying to form relationships because it was so hard for me to tell the good healthy people from the toxic ones. 

I live in NYC, which was so scary at first but now it is so beautiful to have a great cultural breath of people to hang with and meet.

O and also even though this is "The Greatest city in the world." my FOO found every reason to make fun of me for moving away from them and moving to the city.  Some of my favorite where "Ah the skyline isn't that pretty." or "Isn't is so dirty there?" "I remember when I use to live in the city, it was so different back then" or "How do you breathe?" or "Have you gotten murdered yet?"

Wow they really ripped into NYC, I have lived here four years now and the impact of their judgement and negativity is JUST starting to wear off.  Yet another benefit of NC.

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bopper

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2017, 04:33:17 PM »
"In general, I agree with you. But not when one party is abusive."
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Eggshell Walker

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2017, 09:22:16 PM »
So ironic! 

I read your post today right after speaking with a dear friend who told me that she feels I am being too harsh going NC with my uNPDm.
Clearly my friend doesn't get it. I do feel bad speaking to her about my uNPDm and eF because both of her parents recently passed away and all she says is how much she
would give to just be able to speak to them one more time and how I'm wasting that opportunity - - guilt!

It's so nice to be able to come to this forum and be validated and understood by others. 

Thank you all!

And thank you, Newlife33 for posting the topic.
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all4peace

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2017, 09:47:56 PM »
This might be the type of info that is best shared with only an understanding few, if possible.

We live next door to ILs and are VVVVLC, and as we share a lot of communities, I'm planning to use the line "We're not close" or "We don't see each other that often" or something that is honest but vague and doesn't lead to more conversation. Only a few people know what it has been like to be in our situation.

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Newlife33

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2017, 10:52:32 PM »
This might be the type of info that is best shared with only an understanding few, if possible.

We live next door to ILs and are VVVVLC, and as we share a lot of communities, I'm planning to use the line "We're not close" or "We don't see each other that often" or something that is honest but vague and doesn't lead to more conversation. Only a few people know what it has been like to be in our situation.

You are right.  I think I knew this was going to happen and it was almost a kick in the butt that I need to find a different career or job.  I have struggled to find connections and have meaningful conversations at work and their are many negative people around me sometimes.  I guess I was just desperate to find some connection and talking about my fam situation I hoped would breed sympathy and connection.  Instead it just go me more distance. 

Lesson learned. 

Eggshells, sorry we both had a similiar experience but glad we both have been able to keep each other company. 

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EnglishLady

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #13 on: March 21, 2017, 05:51:08 AM »
Hi NewLife  - I too experience friction and tension regarding NC with my "parents" and my reply (politely) always is "its my life and it's my reality and you havn't lived it so with respect please don't comment on something you know absolutely nothing about".  This normally stops them in their tracks and sometime its followed up with " I wouldn't have the audacity to comment on your private family business so please don't comment on mine". 

The disdain normally comes from people with "normal" loving families so they have no clue what we all go through - I used to try and explain and now I think its nobody's business and I dont have to justify myself to anyone - None of us do, we go through enough without explaining it!! 

We know we have taken the right path by going NC and thats all that matters.  I wish you much love and strength

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betta fish

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Re: Nobody understands NC and some even look at me as evil.
« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2017, 07:25:19 AM »
I think we live in a time when mental health is not understood. If there is no scar, there is no harm done. Also I hate those tv shows where an abusive parent goes to the hospital, the NC kids get called in and everything is forgiven, because it is family! This does not help people understand our pain.

Recently, I have learned of a organisation aimed at reducing discrimination called "making it Akward". It suggests, when safe to do so, to ask questions to make it akward. For example, a colleague tells a sexist joke. Ask "why is that funny?" Making everyone uncomfortable, so maybe this person will think twice about telling that joke or better yet this person might reflect on his views. 

I have been using a similar strategy to make people think about their misconceptions about abuse. I am polite about it, and when done right, it tends to open dialogue. I don't do this with everyone, just family and friends I want to challenge in a constructive way.  The questions I ask are usually aimed at understanding their definition of abuse, when NC is acceptable....  If people wants to question and judge me, then ask me to justify my actions, they should be able to explain their inability to accept my choice. The conversations I have had are usually constructive, but I pick and choose whom I can do this with. It also helps me address the real questions they need answers to.
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
― Maya Angelou