I think maybe she is projecting her own rage on you. But also she is using you as an excuse to manipulate your DD and keep her in line - ie do it her way. I wonder if her own mother behaved like that, and that's what she thinks mother - daughter relationships are like.
there might be multiple layers to this:1. Your M projecting her own feelings onto you, while not expressing them as she may have been angry on the inside at your DD. Is this how she would have reacted when your were your DDs age in a similar situation? If so, she may also not be able to see beyond her own reactions and feelings "this is how I would have reacted and still would if this wasn't my granddaughter, ergo a4p will also be angry."2. Then there is painting you in a negative light, she is trying to help your DD and keep her out of trouble, because you are a bully (lucky you that you DD didn't fall for it and could laugh at it, great sign of how safe she feels in her relationship to you and of her own self-esteem :thumb up: )3. In there is something child like/childish about how she came to you with your DD and asked you to judge who was right, as if she wanted to get praised and be your favorite.Whatever the truth, and I don't think your M could answer what motivated her, the bottom line is it is dysfunctional. You handled it amazingly and so did your daughter, so I think while you have wounds and scars, you are healthy and so is your daughter, you don't have to wait for future generations to reach that point.
Projection. My NM used to tell people that I had a rage problem and to be very careful around me. She told them to people who knew beu, like my siblings and husband, and she seemed to believe it. Since I was an extension of her, it makes sense.
How do you sort out projection versus smearing?
..The more independent you are, the more your M may try to find allies, try to pull your DH or your kids on her side to increase her power over you, which you have taken away from her. M tried this with DH, he fortunately was forewarned. It is really sad and heartbreaking though when you realize your own mother would throw you under the bus to assert her in the end fictional power.
I suspect a fair bit of jealousy is involved here too. My? Pm recently asked adult d who had moved quite some distance from us, whether she contacts me regularly. When told "of course" she seemed very put out. When I left home contact was sporadic and one sided and am I'm getting silent treatment. She seems upset that I have a better relationship with my kids than she does, but isn't prepared to work on it either
The more independent you are, the more your M may try to find allies, try to pull your DH or your kids on her side to increase her power over you, which you have taken away from her. M tried this with DH, he fortunately was forewarned. It is really sad and heartbreaking though when you realize your own mother would throw you under the bus to assert her in the end fictional power.
I do think it is a power play. My NM always wanted to "one-up" everyone. Show everyone she could do whatever it was bigger and badder and better than they could. It likely wouldn't have mattered how your daughter accomplished the task, your mother would have taken a different approach so she could pit herself against her and come out on top.In addition to playing the One-up Game, she very well could also be using Divide and Conquer to get your daughter as an "ally". You sense this-- i.e., in your post to practical when you say "There is a vague sense of her wanting to team up with the grandkids to gang up against their parents, or even team up with DH against me." This is a description of a classic power play.It has been my experience that whenever you throw up boundaries with Ns, they sense that they are losing power and try very hard to regain that power by playing "games" such as One-up or Divide and Conquer. The fact that it may be at your expense is of no consequence to them. Your feelings aren't a consideration-- only their insatiable need to come out on top.
Projection vs smearing:I think projiis where they really believe something and will tell people who obviously know different, like in my above example. She truly believed, so she thought everyone saw and felt only she did. With smearing, it was an outright lie and she knew it. NM would never smearing to those that knew better and would skulk around like a guilty plea child if she was caught in the act.
I've read that PD parents can have this sort of "us against them" mentality when raising children so it's like your mom has assumed that you have the same sort of relationship with your DD. It never occurs to them that we are all on the same team. I was peeling the shells off hard boiled eggs this weekend and had a flashback to my mom yelling at me one Easter for not peeling the eggs perfectly (the shells were sticking to the whites really bad). I can picture my mom projecting that behavior onto me when DD gets older. Although this definitely has a smearing aspect to it, I don't think that was necessarily your mom's main MO. It is very likely that your mom believed her words. Luckily, you've done a good job in raising DD and she knew better.