I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....

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Irish-Molly

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I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« on: March 20, 2017, 02:44:22 PM »
" I'm making them (the doctors) do blood work again to "see what really is going on with me"   She insists on it!  There's never anything wrong. She does have a UTI at the moment but is insisting "there's something else going on" so  'run  more tests'

UTI's I believe are common in the elderly.  She goes to a local clinic near her home because her nieces daughter is a nurse practioner and pacifies mom.  I would be sympathetic if this wasn't numerous times she insists on blood work. The past two years she's had more blood work than anyone I know. Such a waste of money.

I feel the doctors should say 'we just did blood work weeks ago' 

Do your elderly parents get so much blood work done?  Mom in my opinion, wants something big to be wrong :roll:

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practical

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2017, 04:39:43 PM »
It is about the drama and supply. I doubt she would actually really want to have something wrong, as this would require action and follow through and might be scary.

F didn't necessarily get blood work every 6 weeks, but he got plenty of tests, and whatever the doctors told him was wrong, because they weren't really reading there CT properly, or listening to him, or not looking at the results from 10 years ago for comparison or . F has neuropathy, has been told many times that it has to do with pinched spinal nerves, but this was never good enough an answer. Then during another hospital stay last year, they added something to the diagnosis and I talked to the neurologist, it was clear this was the final word on it. For one day the diagnosis was accepted by F, a day were he got pity and support, then we were back to "They are all idiots!" and "I need to see another neurologist, they haven't done the right tests, ". If he had simply accepted the diagnosis it would have been the end of the drama and that wasn't an option for F. I checked out after that mentally.

The phrases "I'm sure your doctors will help you.", "Talk to your doctor" are your best friends and otherwise ignore it as chaos manufacture and drama. I unfortunately spend many, many years as F's concierge doctor, till with the help of OOTF I finally understood why there never was an answer, a solution to his problems, he wasn't interested in answers and solutions, it was about getting attention.  This is why I think your M doesn't want to have a really serious problem, she wants the attention, but without real suffering, without the strength and effort required to deal with a serious illness.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Irish-Molly

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2017, 05:29:33 PM »
For sure practical, it's about the attention. I have been saying to her  'it's up to the doctors'  but not long ago she accused me of not believing her about her back problems.  It's hard to take it serious when she's out there moving the snow blower from the outdoor building to her porch.

I didn't say a word about the snow blower. My brother told me. Now she says she's been down for 2 days.

I don't know for sure if she gets the  blood work that often but is always saying 'I need more blood work"  and I know she had it taken today.  I truly hear it from her every six weeks or near abouts.

You have done a great job dealing with your F. I like how you said you "checked out mentally"  I always value your  good advice. We all need to learn how to do that! I am doing much better with the anxiety she used to cause me

Thank you Practical :)

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practical

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2017, 07:15:44 PM »
It takes time to detach, you are processing which is an important step.

It's hard to take it serious when she's out there moving the snow blower from the outdoor building to her porch.

I didn't say a word about the snow blower. My brother told me. Now she says she's been down for 2 days.
Oh, this sounds so familiar! If F wanted to do something he could, but at other times everything was so bad, case in point "I can barely walk! I hardly manage to get from the kitchen to the living room! This cannot continue this way, the doctors have to help me." only for me to find out he has been gardening in 100F, and I don't mean spraying weed killer but taking a tree inclusive roots out.  :wacko: :stars:

It also led ultimately to crying-wolf-syndrome on my side, I couldn't be bothered anymore, not only because it happened so often about nothing, but also because he wasn't open to any reasonable suggestions. So for me it is now "His circus, his monkeys." and I'm not buying a ticket anymore.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Crayola13

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 01:01:28 AM »
You just need to tell her that some problems don't show up in a test or blood work.

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Fightsong

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2017, 04:07:44 AM »
That sounds so very frustrating Irish -Molly!  External locus of control comes to mind. Those Doctors cant figure her out can they? No doubt she feels she  is a medical marvel.

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Irish-Molly

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2017, 05:11:02 AM »
practical, Thank you. I can't tell you how many times I hear "I can barely walk"  yet she's just driven 20 miles to the city for groceries :roll: but then I hear "I had to use the scooter chair the store offers because I just can't get around" Also like your F she will not take one suggestion.  They sure do like to cry wolf!  Wow! practical, he worked in that extreme heat pulling out roots!!

Fightsong, It has been a very frustrating time. This board and all of you have helped so much. You know how stressful it can be. No doctor has ever figured her out. She hops from one to another!

Crayola13, Exactly, it's not blood work she needs it's a head doctor!

This morning I get an email. I had offered since I was going grocery shopping to pick her groceries up. She is mad because last week I told her that my brothers are going to help too!  Two of them do very little. My oldest does more. She got smart with me saying "the boys will get my groceries and do everything I need done"  At first I felt the old familiar tenseness coming on, my neck started to hurt, my anger started to move in, then....,I stopped and said to myself 'good, mom, let the boys do it all' It's the game she plays and game time is over and done with me.

She likes me to do the nasty work, like driving her and enduring hours of her childish behavior. The  boys can hop skip and jump to the store that's 5 minutes away. They all live minutes from her, at least I'm 10 miles but wish it were 500!! I have to watch at the doctors her anger at them, her crying, her childish comments like "just take me home" or "i'm going in there and give that doctor a piece of my mind" and she did!!! If I say the boys can drive now and then I get "I'm done with this, you and your the boys can help, they do help me"!!!  Yep taking a bag of trash out, picking up milk, all those terribly hard and exhausting chores :aaauuugh:

This morning I replied "so good the boys can help" and "have a good day"

She is mean and hateful and her days of stepping on me like I'm a doormat are DONE!!   

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bopper

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2017, 10:13:10 AM »
"That's fantastic! It makes sense since they live so close to you. Great idea, Mom. That way they get to spend time with you too!"
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Irish-Molly

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2017, 04:34:38 AM »
Thanks Bopper! Mom uses that to guilt me, pointing out all the things the sons do. Truthfully it isn't much they do. They never deal with her crazies driving her to appointments.   

Waiting for the day a NH has to cope with her

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lightworld

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2017, 11:42:58 AM »
They seem to think that doctors are wilfully not seeing what's wrong with them. My F says they won't tell him what's wrong because the treatment would be so expensive ! Once when I took him for yet another appointment to "get to the bottom of this", the doctor asked (quite reasonably) "what seems to be the problem Mr X?" My father replied in his awful bombastic challenging voice "I don't know YOU'RE the doctor" . Thankfully I don't do any of that any more, I leave it to the NH and you are right it is a mighty relief! Sorry you're having to put up with this but all done with the boundaries an  letting the boys do their bit! LW
"The opposite of love is not hate it's indifference" Elie Wiesel

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Irish-Molly

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2017, 02:49:50 PM »
lightworld, Thank you! Your F sounds much like mom.  She will say 'i just don't know about that doctor" and then next time we know she has a new doctor.  I'm glad you are free of that. I don't think it's long until brothers and I discuss NH.

Mom told me she'd been "down for two days" My brother said it's not true. He's been there and she was ok...and had been to the grocery store and post office. It's all to get my attention.

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lightworld

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2017, 06:22:47 AM »
Oh yes you are so right, Irish-molly, it's just to hook you in again. My f used to do that to me all the time, every little thing he'd phone me. Once when he was  in hospital he insisted that I drive 400 mile round trip to bring him soap because he didn't like the hospital stuff. I said no, even in my enmeshed state at that time I thought it was a ludicrous request. So he asked my brother (200 mile round trip) who took some for him and it turned out he wasn't even allowed  to use it because  of a skin rash!  He demanded my b take it THAT DAY this was at 3pm, when b said he couldn't go until the next day f said 'typical of my children, they never help me'. It's all for n supply, all for attention and also to look to the outside  world as if their children care for them, after all, they are perfect. :bigwink:
"The opposite of love is not hate it's indifference" Elie Wiesel

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Irish-Molly

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Re: I hear this from Mom at least every six weeks.....
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2017, 02:30:47 PM »
lightworld, you are so right! It's for the outside world to see. I think they like the world to say 'their kids aren't doing enough'  Your F did make a rediculous request..bring soap that many miles..oh my gosh!!! :roll:  It's all about them, nobody matters esp their children.