Mediation disaster

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Broken heart

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Mediation disaster
« on: March 20, 2017, 07:49:38 PM »
Everyone showed up and as soon as they noticed i wasnt there the nBils both raged. They had to be forcibly removed from the premises. Its clear they wanted to tear me apart and didnt get their chance. Thank you all for giving me the tools to deal with their volatile Nrage. I'm somewhat shocked that they did this with our counsellor as a witness but now H can't be in denial. His mom was aloof and sister cried crocodile tears. They both denied there was any problem with me and thought we were on good terms. Sil even denied having said she wasn't going to talk to me and that we've never been close and wont be in future. Mil defended the "man" that assaulted me and defended the nBros. Sil defended H ex gf and it was all twilight zone. Im in such a daze right now. H asked to have yet another meeting where i am to attend with his mom n sis. Im at a loss for words he would even ask me. Its insulting. They're in denial. They wont change.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2017, 08:03:12 PM by Broken heart »

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kayjewel

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2017, 08:27:56 PM »
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but the good thing is, who ILs are is clear to everyone now, including the mediator.

How long does the mediation go on before the counselor decides it's not going to work and calls a halt?

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H asked to have yet another meeting where i am to attend with his mom n sis.

Do you mean a mediation session, or just a personal meeting? What does he expect to accomplish at this meeting?

There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

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Broken heart

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2017, 11:50:44 PM »
Honestly I dont know. My H came home in the middle of bedtime routine with the children and began blaming my absence for their blow up. He says Im not there for him and that because I dont want to fix this it'll never be ok. He said I need to show up at the next meeting. He said all that in front of the children and i asked him to stop. He was getting agitated. He began snapping at the kids to get to bed and slamming things. I called our counsellor right away. My girl began crying inconsolably so l asked H to leave as he was being abusive. Just go for a walk to clear your head. He snapped at me that he was fine. I insisted that he leave. Counsellor called again after I finally got the children settled. He said H is in crisis mode but I did the right thing by asking him to take a walk as what he was doing wasnt ok. He said he was close to calling the cops on nBils and that they're seriously in need of a mental health team. They were hurling insults and profanity and needed to be forcibly removed. He said that H needed me and should have said that instead of saying I wasn't there for him. He verified that this is a bad case of projection on H part. That being said I dont know how to feel. Theres really zero reason to go to a meeting with his mom and sister. They are in denial. They even continued to defend my abusers. They will not take responsibility for their actions.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2017, 11:53:06 PM by Broken heart »

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Crayola13

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2017, 01:07:22 AM »
Whose idea was the mediation and why? Did a judge or magistrate order the mediation? Why is the whole family going? How did this start? Is this family counseling or a legal dispute?

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kayjewel

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 03:28:05 AM »
Honestly I dont know. My H came home in the middle of bedtime routine with the children and began blaming my absence for their blow up. He says Im not there for him and that because I dont want to fix this it'll never be ok.

Your H is dumping a lot of responsibility on you for things that you simply have no control over: If you'd been there, BILs wouldn't have gone berserk. It's within your power to fix this, if only you'd try.  :no: None of that is true.

It does sound as though H is at a crisis point. That can be a very "teachable" moment. Hopefully, with the counselor's help he can let down his mental and emotional defenses and have a breakthrough about his FOO. It's not just his M and sister who are in denial. He is, too.


There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

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Malini

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2017, 03:30:14 AM »
It's all awful Brokenheart and I'm sorry things took this dreadful turn for you. I don't have much advice for the mediation, other than I would encourage you to stay away.

However, based on your fear about what would happen with visitation re your children if you moved out or your H moved out, I would suggest you might like to meet with a lawyer and see what your options would be to safeguard your children from these clearly dangerous people, IF you decided to separate yourself from your H and this whole situation.  Now you have an external person who has witnessed their behaviour, you may have an option to limit visitation rights. It doesn't mean you have to do something about it now, but knowledge is power and it may help you figure out the next steps.
 :hug:
"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

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Broken heart

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2017, 04:42:27 AM »
No. None of this was court ordered in fact I set this up to be couples counselling only. It turned into his family. Im beside myself. His youngest nBro has said H is dead to him all because I wasn't there and his other brother is now texting how my family is screwed up worse then them and why doesn't he have to jump through hoops (he does by the way as my only brother is drug addicted). Because I wasn't there its a "slap in the face" and they were fully willing to "put aside differences" 
« Last Edit: March 21, 2017, 04:44:14 AM by Broken heart »

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DJCleo

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2017, 10:11:01 AM »
It sounds like the "mediation" is a disaster.

Can you cut your losses and just stop?

That way you can just know that they're a mess and stay away?
I'm not clear on why there was a mediation if it wasn't some type of court-ordered thing.

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Broken heart

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2017, 02:10:38 PM »
I want to cut losses and stay away but H does not. Maybe meditation in this context is the incorrect word. It was a counsellor facilitated confrontation with the in laws that they've dodged for 7 months. Im glad I didn't go. I knew they were out for blood.

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Sidney37

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2017, 02:17:38 PM »
Does the counselor think you should go to this mediation, especially after this? 

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Broken heart

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2017, 02:38:15 PM »
He wants to debrief tomorrow but I think thats what he wants. Just the mil and sil this time I think. Apparently H "did great and stood up for you and the children. He put them in their place and said if you dont get your act together I have no family. So figure out another date and time and if you dont im done!" But H didn't tell me any of that he just got mad because i said nothings changed and i wont be forced into this AGAIN.

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Sidney37

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2017, 03:35:26 PM »
Do you see a separate therapist for yourself besides this couples counselor?  I'm just wondering what they might think?  I'm left wondering why the counselor thinks this is necessary or will even work?  If I remember correctly, you have issues with your H that brought you to counseling to begin with.

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Broken heart

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2017, 03:39:42 PM »
Thats correct we did have issues within our relationship. I was at the end of my rope on those and now the in laws blew up. I'm having a hard time coping right now. I'm working on having a one to one counsellor. I'm so overwhelmed.

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Sidney37

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #13 on: March 21, 2017, 03:58:43 PM »
If possible, I'd try to find a personal counselor who can help just you.  You need someone in your corner and some clarity about this situation.

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kayjewel

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2017, 05:19:07 PM »
How did it come about that you started with this counselor on couples counselling, and then it got changed to family counseling with your H's FOO? Those are two entirely different things, with entirely different purposes.

What happened to the marriage counseling? It sounds like it just got side-tracked, which would be a very convenient way for H to avoid having to deal with the relationship problems in your marriage.

You mentioned that the counselor said you needed to be there at the sessions with his FOO, because "H needs you". What about what you need from H? Such as protection from his nasty, abusive FOO. Asking (demanding!) you to attend meetings where you're going to be treated badly ... that's asking a lot of you. For what purpose? What is the stated goal of this family counseling? Who is it supposed to benefit?

I can see why you're feeling overwhelmed. This isn't even your FOO, it's H's, and yet it seems like the responsibility for them is being dumped onto you.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2017, 05:20:56 PM by kayjewel »
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

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Sidney37

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2017, 06:24:05 PM »
 :yeahthat:

This is what I was thinking, but didn't manage to say.  Marriage counseling is different from individual counseling and it's different from full family counseling.  Many counselors won't do more than one type in a particular situation.  Often marriage counselors won't see one person in the couple.  It changes the dynamic and may lead to trust issues.  I'm also wondering how this changed from couples counseling to including the whole family? 

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Broken heart

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2017, 06:24:32 PM »
I too have brought up all these points. I have no idea whos to benefit from this certainly not me and yes it is very side tracking considering the huge issues we have. It is an awful lot to ask of me. H wont let them go and its making my life a living hell.

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kayjewel

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2017, 10:11:52 PM »
I too have brought up all these points. I have no idea whos to benefit from this certainly not me and yes it is very side tracking considering the huge issues we have. It is an awful lot to ask of me. H wont let them go and its making my life a living hell.

How can anyone be in counseling without knowing what the goals are? You can't. Seriously. Any halfway decent counselor knows that.

It sounds like this counselor is not doing his job properly. He ought to have gotten it clear with everyone at the outset as to what the goals are. This sounds very unprofessional on his part.

You're an equal participant, not a prisoner or a child.  Don't just "bring up these points" and hope someone gets it (which it sounds like they haven't.)

I'd suggest telling the counselor and H (not his FOO) that you will not continue with this counselling until and unless you have a clear understanding, agreed on by all three of you (you, H and counsellor) as to what the purpose of the family counselling is, what the goals are, and who will benefit from it.

If you, Broken Heart, don't agree with the purpose, goal, or intended beneficiaries, you can say "No, I do not agree to that." And then don't continue.

I hate to repeat myself, but something sounds very "off" about how the counselor is handling this. Is he making more money from the family counseling than he would from the marriage counseling? Or maybe he's projecting some of his own issues into the situation and trying to fix them. Very, very odd.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2017, 10:13:31 PM by kayjewel »
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

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sandpiper

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #18 on: March 22, 2017, 12:41:44 AM »
I'm with the others. I did couples counselling with a relationship counsellor many years ago for issues with my DH, caused by his family's behaviour. She was as dim as they come & suggested that his MIL would be nicer to me if we got married, rather than continuing to live as a defacto couple. (The hell with that, I have never wanted to get married & I am very contentedly into my 30th year of this relationship).
The good thing that came from T was that she told DH he needed to spend more time bonding with his parents, without having me there as the focus of their problems.
His parents immediately took that opportunity to show off just how dysfunctional they are & it was the beginning of DH seeing the light.

I think that your DH needs to continue with individual T in order to learn to deal with his own family issues and you are better off staying right out of that for the time being.
If the T wants to haul you in for more of their brawling then he/she has No Clue about the triangulation and pitting that happen in PD families & you are much better off finding a new therapist that does.
 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
If it's any consolation I've been through this too & while it was incredibly hard, 20 years down the track nobody in DH's family can bear to be in the same room as either one of his parents and nobody is under any illusions about them any more. DH's brother still has lots of fleas & I have made a firm but tactful effort to set the boundary that DH's family management is up to him & I stay right out of it, and managing my own family is mine.
Most of the time that's made for a lot of peace. There's always the occasional hiccough but it has gotten much easier over time. That said, we don't have kids & his family's dysfunction were a large part of me refusing to go down that path, so I appreciate that makes it a whole lot harder.
Hang in there, the T is right - my DH still occasionally has a slip-back where he thinks it's me rather than his family but I've learned to step back from responding or retaliating to that & I just wait for him to regain his balance.
You just have to focus on finding & maintaining yours.
xxxx

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Broken heart

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Re: Mediation disaster
« Reply #19 on: March 22, 2017, 06:23:37 PM »
You all are right. So I called the counsellors clinical supervisor and it stops tonight. No more family counselling. Its back to couples and one on one. Theres simply too much damage here to salvage. Considering this counsellor works for a battered womens center too. Counsellor will be telling H enoughs enough. He was very sorry and apologized to me. He says he hears me and that his plan will be given to H. Its up to him to work on his inner child wounds now that Im out of it. He needed to hit bottom and thats why I removed myself.